<p>I disagree that when they go off to college, it's time to 'cut the cord'. Relationships with your kids evolve but it's never a good idea to 'cut'</p>
<p>I couldnt agree more. </p>
<p>Moms do not birth or deliver their children into college there is no screaming first breath and they are not placed upon the breast of a college administrator or left upon the stone steps of the church/college. Its so much more organic than that. </p>
<p>Im even confused by the in the old days talk. In the old days most children (particularly daughters) didnt even go away to college. Much more typical was heading off to a jobby force of circumstance a local job, and the child likely lived at home through this slow transition. The growth was subtle but profound. </p>
<p>I speak with my college daughter 3 or 4 times a week by phone and about the same through email. I never call myself, not because I dont want to intrude but because shes almost never lying around her dormshes a very active girl with no cell phone and she still loves her mom:)</p>
<p>I agree with Calmom and don't think we should feel guilty about maintaining communication with our offspring - this doesn't mean we're interferring with their lives or overinvolved. How the college transition is handled depends on the unique personalities and relationships involved. I'm very happy when D calls - she's a second semester college freshman and had been away from home a total of 3 weeks prior to beginning college (the phone lines were silent then and I had to keep telling myself she must be too busy and involved to call and it was very unlikely she'd been abducted by aliens) so we were unsure what to expect. First semester went very well for her - she got involved in all sorts of things she'd never have considered in HS and thus made lots of friends. Surprisingly, she called almost daily I think as a way of her processing her experiences and I felt my role was to be at the end of the phone, but not to initiate contact other than for purely practical matters. I'm hopeful that she'll continue to share parts of her life with us but recognise the need for her to lead. It's quite clear that her "life" is no longer here - Christmas breqk was altogether too long- so I'm not worrying about the independence thing at all!</p>
<p>Maybe its different for those of us who went to boarding school first. College wasn't a big deal in that we'd already been away from home for 3 or 4 years.....but thiniking of my dormmates, none of us spent alot of time on the phone with Mom and Dad....Maybe now its a matter of convenience what with cellphones, etc. We had a few hallphones that we shared. (all of us had very close relationships with our parents, too...We just didn't feel the need to run things by them on a regular basis)</p>
<p>The amount of communication I have with my kids varies. With my son I occasionally find myself sending an email with the subject "PING!" which is the only email I require him to answer. The acceptable reply to that email is "I'm fine, Mom."</p>
<p>My daughter sends an email every couple of days to let me know what's going on, sometimes with photos attached. She seems to photograph her cookies a lot. I send her photos of my bread in return. (These are baked goods I'm talking about. No euphemisms or puns intended.)</p>
<p>Both children only call if they're concerned about something or feeling stressed. I look forward to the day when they call and tell me everything is great and then go on talking. </p>
<p>Generally I am accused of helicoptering if I pry into things, including such things as health, grades, courses, boy/girl friends, and so on. Sometimes I pry anyway. I figure that's my job.</p>
<p>i think it is just much easier with cellphones- internet....
whereas calling long distance used to be a big deal, it doesn't even cost anything extra anymore. We carry our cell phones with us, and we often access the internet at work or at school- so it doesn't take a lot to jot off a quick note. Contrast that to when my D worked at camp when she was in high school,I only heard from her when I needed to pick her up at the ferry.
Now that we all have cell phones- ( which the kids and H have only had them for less than a year) even my 15 yr old text messages me during the day to say" I love you" :)
Since this is a child who wouldn't even accept hugs when she was 5- I immediately messaged back " whats wrong" !</p>
<p>I'm with alwaysmom on this. D will be off in August for freshman year. Before she leaves she will set up IM for us to use-we're in Europe --also glad transatlantic calls have become a lot cheaper lately. Maturity will develop at its own pace--no matter how often we communicate, she will be facing plenty of situations and decisions on her own.</p>
<p>My older sister (a college sophmore) calls every couple days. She's not as independent as I tend to be, so when she has a problem she like to call and get advice. When she missed a class yesterday with a prof obsessed with attendence, she was very upset and called my mother to see what she should do and to get some comfort. If she doesn't call in several days, my mother will email her (or ask me to!) or call. I email back and forth with her pretty much all the time.</p>
<p>I suspect that I will call my parents when walking to a far away class or when I'm bored, probably once or twice a week. My calls, I am guessing, will be mostly for their sakes. </p>
<p>I should also mention that my parents talk with my oldest adult siblings at least once a week, just to check in. They are certainly not heli parents in any way, but they raised us all, and they like to know what's going on.</p>
<p>One thing no one has mentioned is that college has changed. Until the late 70's colleges had parietals that gave some stucture to freshmen. Now kids are more on there own. I think that might be why many use the "great umbilical cord."</p>
<p>I can assure you that they had no such thing at the public U. that I attended... and that students in those days were far more "on their own" than is typical these days. Not much parental hovering.</p>
<p>Ah yes, parietals. I recall a visit with the dean of women in 1975 over the small matter of violating that one! (I swear, I was innocently watching a Marx brothers movie! ;)</p>
<p>At the college tour that I went on with my parents in '73 (a womens college) the tourguide said, "yes, and we have 24 hour parietals!" My father burst out laughing with, "isn't that a contradiction in terms?". Needless to say, Dad wasn't thrilled about my suitemate's BF from Holy Cross basically living in our dorm.</p>
<p>I was a freshman at a women's college in 1968. That year men were not allowed above the first floor (where we had a living room and "dating parlors"). The exception described in the student handbook was for men who were the fathers of students, but the handbook noted
"then they may only be in their own daughters' rooms." We also had a matronly housemother. Then "the sixties" belatedly took hold on our campus--"the times, they were a'changin," parietals came, by senior year we also had "24 hour parietals."</p>
<p>I entered a state university in 1966 and graduated in 1970. I remember the first few years we had curfews (week nights and weekends) and no parietals. Towards the end we had parietals but I can't remember re:
curfews. We also had to wear skirts to classes and to the dining hall. My DH went to an Ivy League school during the same time and says he believes female students had curfews but not the men. My kids think I went to college in the Ice Age.</p>
<p>Geez, I started college in 1970 and was in a co-ed dorm. It was a 5-story building with boys/girls on alternate floors. The preceding year, there had been a big drug bust in that dorm and so the dorm had a bad rep and many parents wouldn't let their kids live there. I found out about the dorm's rep during a summer orientation session, when I was signed up to live in a different dorm -- and with the encouragement of an RA at the orientation, I promptly marched down to the housing office to change my assignment. The dorm fully lived up to its reputation and I had a blast. The pairing up and bed-hopping started right away. </p>
<p>My son's college residential experience was quite tame by comparison. He wasn't even allowed to have candles in his dorm room. </p>
<p>FWIW, my mom attended a Seven Sister's college with very strict curfews in the late 40's. She developed a regular habit of leaving on weekends to visit a non-existent aunt and instead went to New Haven and was snuck into my dad's dorm room. So much for parietals, or whatever they called them. In those days the men had all become men when they turned 18 and went off to fight WW II, and the women married young -- my mom married at 19.</p>
<p>I remember a cousin telling me about a rule they had at Hollins College....something about "room doors must be open and visitors and their hosts must have both feet on the floor". OK!</p>
<p>pyewacket,
I was a freshman in a women's college in 1969 and what you describe sounds EXACTLY like what we had...men not allowed above the first floor and living room and parlor on the first floor. Hmm, what are the chances we are talking about the same place? Location in the Northeast?</p>
<p>I wonder with the lapse of rules if there is a rise in pregnancy or other things that everyone must have been scared about ... that could be a interesting study if you could actually collect the data</p>