<p>I've been ranting about my little brother a lot on CC but there i just no hope for him! For those who don't know what I'm talking about, he's a high school sophomore, failed three classes last quarter ( at some point he just didn't want to pass in any of the work). He gets distracted by his social life and my parents can't really talk to him. It's just a big mess. His GPA at this point is probably 1.5-2.0. But I still want him to go to college! </p>
<p>I've always felt as though I pushed myself to become a good role model for him. In HS I graduated top 5% and I will be graduating from NEU next spring. I always just figured that since I made it, he would naturally follow my footsteps. Now, I can barely get him to tell me how his day was, or express my concerns without some big argument. I was unaware of this decline because I was away for school and abroad. I came home this summer and bam!</p>
<p>I am also trying to implement this experience on my student blog.</p>
<p>Hopefully I can help myself and others like me figure out a way to talk to their siblings or children about higher education. tips about my brother? suggestions? or even recommended topics for my blog in how parents and students can communicate effortlessly about education? Any experiences similiar to mine?</p>
<p>You may have been too successful to be a role model for him.</p>
<p>For someone with the academic record he has now, success as defined in your terms (top 5 percent, admission to a selective and very interesting university) is out of reach. </p>
<p>He might gain more from the experiences of someone who struggled in high school or who graduated with a poor record and then did well at a community college and successfully transferred to a four-year college. </p>
<p>Do you have any friends like that whom you could use as examples (or who could talk with him directly)?</p>
<p>Over the years there have been many threads on this topic. If I recall correctly, the general advice was:
(1) Make sure there are no medical/psychological ailments; then
(2) Pitch him out into the world … as in summer job or a long visit with a distant relative (where he is expected to follow house rules and contribute to the household).</p>
<p>It’s not normal for a smart kid to be doing this poorly in HS … but then you know that already. Best of luck.</p>
<p>It’s so difficult because he attends high school in a very urban area and everyone else around him is not motivated either! My old Hs friends who went to a community college dropped out after their first semester because they felt as though the education they were receiving was a repetition of HS. So they decided to work retail full time, and unfortunately got stuck… </p>
<p>It’s so strange because My brother and I went to the same high school and I loved it! I don’t know, I’m so confused. We have the same parents, the same high school education, and we live in the same city. I don’t understand how he can just throw away his education!</p>
<p>When my very unmotivated brother graduated high school, over twenty years ago, I drove him over to the local community college and he started there. It took him a while, and he worked the whole time, and now he is very, very successful, including having gone on to get an MBA.</p>
<p>If I had it to do over again, I would have worried about him a lot less and THEN driven him over to the local community college. My worrying didn’t bother anyone but me. ;)</p>
<p>I’m in the exact same situation. My brother might as well be a carbon copy as yours. I’m interested to know what other parents have done with their children who are in this situation. He has similar role models of success, and there is definitely enough intelligence in him for him to be able to get through college without much hassle. For some reason he’s just so damn wrapped up in things like sports, girls, hanging out, other…teenage activities…, anything that just isn’t school.</p>
<p>This was true of my brother and I, decades ago.( We joke that he was my first patient!) My mom coerced him into going to college; she borrowed a bunch of money; he dropped out. He promised her on her dying bed that he would finish, and he did. He now makes more than I do, and was nominated for a grammy, but I don’t think it had anything to do with him going to school.</p>
<p>He’s still very young; you may feel that it’s time he got his feet under him, and it is, but developmentally he’s still living entirely in the moment. College is years away, to him. The problem is, the more you try to motivate him, the more he’ll tune out your (to him) nagging, and the fact that you’re so successful makes it even worse–he can only rebel by being your opposite. This summer might be the time he turns it around, but he won’t do it through reasoned argument and persuasion and talk. Do stuff with him, stuff that’s fun and interesting, without an agenda. Get to be friends with him again, make it clear that you like him for himself; find out what he likes. Then, when you know what makes him tick, you can start looking at what he might want to do: does he like animals? Does he want to work with them? Take him to volunteer at a shelter (he probably needs the community service hours for graduation anyway). Does he like kids? Does he like science? What is fun for him? Tell him <em>you</em> want to have fun this summer, lighten up, enjoy his company; he doesn’t have to know that you want to get him away from his usual crowd and pursuits. Talk excitedly about your own plans for your future, and how much fun and how interesting college has been for you–without the heavy subtext of “and what about you, slacker?” Ask him for help motivating you to do something, turn the tables–“workout with me, I need a buddy,” “can you quiz me on this? I want to be ready for this course”–so it’s not always you who’s the teacher/authority figure. Any spark you elicit will have to continue to burn without you, since you’re going off to college in a few months yourself, so it has to come from within him.</p>
<p>Has he been smoking marijuana frequently, like so many “unmotivated” kids? This drug can kill motivation!
Has he been attending school? Does he say he is going to school but he actually goes somewhere else (maybe to smoke marijuana)?</p>
<p>"I’ve been ranting about my little brother a lot on CC but there i just no hope for him! For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, he’s a high school sophomore, failed three classes last quarter ( at some point he just didn’t want to pass in any of the work). He gets distracted by his social life and my parents can’t really talk to him. It’s just a big mess. His GPA at this point is probably 1.5-2.0. But I still want him to go to college! "</p>
<p>What are his goals for himself? You seem to want him to follow in your footsteps and be at the top of his class and off to a great college. He may not want to do that. He also may be so intimidated by your success that he has given up on his academics, feeling that no matter how hard he tries, he’ll never be as academically successful as you.</p>
<p>For many, it’s much easier being academically successful if they follow in the footsteps of an unsuccessful sib (or parents who didn’t do well in school) than if they follow in the footsteps of very academically successful sib or parents. I have 2 very smart sons. Older son hated school, deliberately did smart butt things to irritate teachers, did the minimum needed to graduate with his IB diploma, and then flunked out of college with the worst average I’ve ever seen. Younger son also was an underperformer in high school, but did it pleasantly, without irritating teachers. In college, he blossomed, and seems to have taken great pride in having been very academically successful, thus greatly outperforming his older brother.</p>
<p>Instead of trying to encourage your brother to be like you, see if you can help him identify and develop the interests, skills and talents that make him special and different from you. Maybe his goal should be to enter the military, an arts school or vocational training after high school. Not everyone – including not every smart person – wants to or needs to go to college, though to be able to support themselves, virtually everyone needs some post high school training.</p>
<p>Also share with him stories of your failures and mistakes, and what you’ve learned from them. This particularly may be helpful and a confidence boost for him if your failures and mistakes were in things that he’s successful at. For instance, maybe he makes friends easier or is more talented in sports or arts.</p>
<p>Ask him for advice on things that he’s good at that you’re not as good at. Give him a chance to shine.</p>
<p>@Poetgirl that is true! i’m only worrying myself out. haha</p>
<p>@Marysidney Thanks for your input! i find it very inspiring. you are right, if I’m always pushing him to do something, I should at least do it with him so it’s not a chore! His interest is in sports, or right now, just running but I can barely run down the street and a long day after my internship is exhausting. However, from your post, if i’m pushing him, i can push myself. I guess I’ll be super fit this summer!</p>
<p>I’m also afraid that once i leave, he’ll just revert back to his ways. Let’s hope I make an impact! </p>
<p>How about any tips for parents who work maybe a full work week and won’t always have time for their teen? How do we apply Mary’s advice ( from the post above). </p>
<p>It’s controversial. Some people say that parents should always make time for their teens (because their teens is never too old) and others would say that this 16 year old is old enough to find his own hobbies and learn how to be an adult. thoughts?</p>
<p>You just need to focus on your own work and doing your own thing. I promise that no matter how crazy you make yourself worrying about other people, or trying to “help” them, they are not going to thank you for it.</p>
<p>Your brother will grow up and it’s really not your “job” to make it happen. Offer help, if you want, within the bounds of what you can reasonably do without harming yourself, and then, he will either take it or not. It’s not a good dynamic you are setting up, and it lets your parents and your brother off the hook.</p>
<p>Your job is you.</p>
<p>Someday you’ll have kids and realize you have no business parenting your siblings or peers. It’s unhealthy.</p>
<p>hollyanne, you are a clone of me, and your brother is a clone of my S (also a sophomore, also unmotivated)! Although he isn’t failing anything (for which I’m thankful), he isn’t terribly motivated, instead preferring to spend time on the xbox or on his skateboard. My H and I have told him he has to get and maintain a 3.0 GPA before he can drive (this is the trump card in our back pockets). This has helped, but not to the extent I had hoped, at least not yet. But what I think will happen is that as he gets older and more of his friends are driving, he will want that privilege too. One thing I think does help is for them to be interested in something that’s “their own.” For example, our younger S (finishing 8th grade now) is a tremendous soccer player and a good student. I think older S feels he can’t compete, but then again, why should he? It’s taken awhile, but older S finally found his own thing-- music. He’d been playing guitar for over a yr now, and loves it. He jams after school on occasion with friends, and he’s going to a music camp this summer at a nearby university (gets to live in the dorms for a week!). See if your brother can get involved in something that no one else in the family does, that he can own, that helps him meet people with similar interests. It will build confidence. I also try to reason with S, asking him what he wants to do with his life, and reminding him that hard work will pay off in a big way. Example: a pro skateboarder who lives in a huge mansion. Very attractive career and lifestyle, right? Of course. But how did he accomplish that? Not by sitting around playing xbox. It took hard work.</p>
<p>I wish I had a simple answer for you, but I will say one thing-- don’t give up on him. He’s lucky to have you as his sister!</p>
<p>The child begins with very immediate focus from birth. They have few (if any) thoughts of the future (including tomorrow), so we organize their lives and socialize them to behave with the “program” (do your work in school, share your toys and don’t fight in the sandbox) while pouring into their minds the basics of functioning in their immediate environment.</p>
<p>Along the way we are supposed to teach them the concept of delayed gratification (work hard today for the benefits of tomorrow) which generally is learned by experience. Some get it sooner and better (OP) than others (her brother). Some never get it unfortunately.</p>
<p>I think a lot of teaching delayed gratification is about a sense of dissatisfaction with the present (not being able to do something desired or not having something today). This is often the motivator that gets someone to invest a little to day (not much happening now, so doing my school work might make next week’s test less stressful). It is a bit of a negative experience based motivator. Most kids learn basic stuff from potty training to slogging through mindless homework sheets for good grades. However, a kid who is easily satisfied (no problems with wet diaper or D’s in class) with the things and activities immediately around him/her will never invest much in tomorrow.</p>
<p>The other part of delayed gratification is exposure to future things (being able to visualize things that can be). This is more sophisticated thinking that we want our children to have. It is a positive experience motivator. This is all about future dreams.</p>
<p>To the OP - it sounds like your brother is stuck in being satisfied with his immediate world of friends and whatnot without that future vision to move forward with.</p>
<p>As to the solution, there are no proven formulae here. As much as parents think they’ve go their kids figured out, not every kid is so easy.</p>
<p>Ultimately though, the group he socializes with will move forward either as individuals or collectively (my guess is that his friends are very similar in motivation). Perhaps a change of scenery (and thereby friends) may be in order here as a stimulus. However, this action can also isolate the child who is resistent to that change, losing that social help in moving forward.</p>
<p>I’ll agree with BfloGal though that you should not give up on him. He’ll come around after he has thoroughly tested your (and your parents’) patience.</p>
<p>Dr. Rutherford, a Clinical Psychologist writes about this very issue about how to motivate a high school student to do better for his future <a href=“conversationswithmymother.com”>conversationswithmymother.com; and stresses the importance of developing an alliance with the teen rather than than the parent “telling” him what to do. Visiting a college campus might be very helpful - it’s very real, and may help motivate the teen.</p>