My anxiety and depression are wrecking my study abroad experience.

Applying to College
1

Hi,

I’m an American abroad in rural Japan. I’m living alone in a dorm with no common rooms or areas to hang out, and I live a 30 minute walk away from campus. So far I’m having a terrible time and I’d love to hear some advice or even just other people’s experiences because right now I feel crazy that I’m not enjoying anything.

First of all, I’ve struggled with depression for years and years. I’m 20 now and my first suicide attempt was at 12. It was getting better because I finally had a solid friend group and a loving boyfriend and good relationship with my family, but now that I’m away from all that, I feel like I’m back to square one. The program I’m in is for international students from all over the world, so the classes are extremely easy and I’m very, very bored. I even doubled the usual classload in order to give myself extra work, because I’m quite studious and academically-oriented and this program is just not stimulating at all.

The town I’m living in is super boring without even a coffee shop to study at, and I HATE using the Japanese metro system–can’t stand being touched by strangers. But to get anywhere interesting, it’s my only choice. Furthermore, the sexual harassment by members of my university and by locals and other foreigners has been absolutely nonstop. I’m one of the only petite and feminine girls in my program and so everyone hits on me then reacts angrily when I say I have a boyfriend, and walking down the street I get grabbed, guys will try to lead me places, etc. It’s really shocking because in America I don’t really get this attention at all, but I’ve started avoiding going out as a result.

Everyone else here seems to have the money and passion to go all over the place and take crazy trips and hang out with each other but so far I haven’t met one person that I like (the program is either entirely nerdy people obsessed with anime or super-chic Parisians who are trying to hook up with everything that moves). At my home university I’m known for being funny and intelligent, outgoing but introverted, more interested in art, film, and reading but still goes to parties/drinks/etc. But my sense of humor totally doesn’t transfer when most of the people here hardly speak English, and as a result I just seem awkward, unfriendly, and quiet. I don’t enjoy conversations with people I don’t connect with deeply. My few friendships take yeaaaars to cultivate, and I couldn’t be happier with them now, but I just don’t instantly connect with other people in a one-on-one setting.

I really, really miss my boyfriend. We’ve been together for almost three years. He’s my best friend and we connect on so many levels like I’ve never connected with anyone before. When I go somewhere in Japan, I just think “this would be a lot of fun… if he were here.” I feel confident in our relationship and I’m not worried about him cheating on me or anything but I can’t stop thinking about him. With the 16-hour timezone difference it’s rare that we even get to text each other at the same time, let alone Skype or call.

Basically I’m feeling extremely depressed being here and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m wasting my life alone in my dorm. The good news is I’m catching up on the reading and studying for the MCAT and working on my charcoal drawings, but despite being an introvert I miss that deep friendship I get to feel every day at home. I’m almost worried that my voice is going to get rusty from how little I use it.

In summary:

  • I’m lonely
  • I’m awkward
  • I’m depressed
  • I’m poor
  • I’m malnourished

I’d love to hear people’s stories or advice. Even if it’s just to say you had a bad time studying abroad too, every single article I read starts with “I hate study abroad” and ends with “I hate study abroad because I loved it so much it made me sad when I had to leave.”

2

Hi there. I wanted to make sure you have the phone number for the Tell Lifeline in Japan: 03-5774-0392 .
https://telljp.com/lifeline/
It is based in Tokyo but handles calls in English from anywhere in Japan.
How long have you been in Japan, and how long is your program?
Do you speak any Japanese?

3

One of my kids had a tough, lonely study abroad experience as well. You are not the only one!

So… just to defer the harassment, I’d consider getting a cheap fake engagement ring. It wouldn’t stop it, but might slow it down.

My kid did Skype with her SO often, and it helped. I’d suggest you make appointments to do that with your boyfriend or friends at home. Some people will probably say not to, but if you are really isolated and unhappy, I think you should.

As awkward as you feel with them, at least there are other students living in your area. My kid was in a studio apartment well away from her university with no other students (local or international) living around her. I’d try to make yourself interact regularly with them. If someone has a get together, go. Open up to learning more about anime and things others are into. Is there a kitchen in your dorm? Maybe get a few people together to cook desserts from their home countries or something. Or just make cookies yourself and pass them out in your dorm. Right now you are wallowing - friendships will not form with no effort on your part.

4

I’m not sure about the situation with student life at your school in Japan, but I did study abroad in Korea this past summer so I understand the anxiety and some sort of onset of loneliness that you feel. I’m aware that it comes to people a lot at some point during their time abroad. The only difference is that I did have a friend or two that I knew from my home university that was with me a good amount of the time so I was less afraid to do new things. I consider myself to be quite an introvert and also quite shy, so the decision to study abroad itself was a huge leap for me.

Even while knowing that, I also knew I wanted to not be that one person stuck in my room scared to do anything with other people so I initially and purposefully placed myself in awkward and uncomfortable situations (socially). I made lots of plans and agreed to going to many places – I find that traveling in groups of between 2 to 10 really helps with the passes people may make at you and whatnot as well as helps you feel more safe and confident walking around. If you’re uncomfortable with big groups, even having some one on one time with someone will make you feel safer. I highly advise you to push yourself out of the comfort box that you’ve crawled back into and make an effort to seek out some activities and events that may exist within the international student program – I had a lot of fun participating in those activities and even though not all of us spoke English, we did our best to communicate with “sign language” body gestures and whatever English they knew. I was also studying Korean at the time, so we would use our mediocre Korean skills to communicate – usually studying the language gives you a common ground with others who are trying to learn and utilize the language around the country you’re in. I made sure to reach out to a few classmates (and ask for contact info and make plans with people I’ve participated in activities with) and ask to go out for lunch or dinner and to cat cafes and whatnot (even day trips to another town/area), and those turned out well despite the initial awkwardness and nervousness. Chances are that there are definitely other people who feel similarly as you and would also like to meet new people and find friends to hang out with. Even if you guys don’t exactly have the same interests, the fact that the both of you are in a completely new country away from home and may not be sure what to do is enough to put you guys on some sort of common ground. I’m not sure if your program has this, but I got matched with a student (“buddy”) from the university abroad so I made sure to keep in contact with her and ask to hang out and agree to other plans so she could show me around.

Studying abroad is fun and exciting, but only if you seek out opportunities to meet new people and give them a chance, open up to them, and learn new things. Lots of people might seem super different compared to you and your current lifestyle and situation because they’re from different cultures and countries and have different interests, but it’s the differences that can make hanging out a lot more interesting! You guys don’t necessarily have to have the same interests, but finding one common interest and being open to getting to know someone that may be completely different than you may make all the difference.

5

I’m sorry you are having a terrible time. Maybe you won’t find what I’m going to say helpful, but I don’t think your situation is unsalvageable.

I’ve read your post twice and this is my takeaway: it seems as though everything apart from you is the cause of your unhappiness on this study abroad program. Make friends with the nerds and the super chic girls. So what if they aren’t like you? Did you go to Japan to be surrounded by people who are just like those at your university?

I’m not saying you have to accept it, but are you sure you’re being harassed and touched as much as you imply? FWIW, my daughter is currently studying in Japan (not Tokyo.) She has not mentioned to me once that she or any of the girls on her program (about 20 of them) have been harassed or touched. Japan’s metro systems ARE crowded. My D has no friends near the house she lives in. She has to take public transport by herself to the university everyday, forty minutes away. It’s crowded, but she deals. No one likes to have their behind pushed next to someone else’s, but you just have try to ignore that. Obviously don’t tolerate overt sexual harassment.

My D has a long term boyfriend. She hasn’t seen him since early January. They communicate via Skype or what’sapp or fb messenger. You’ll see your boyfriend again. This is temporary. You’ve become paralyzed by a misperception that your situation is terrible, but it really isn’t. You are in Japan! What an amazing opportunity to see how people live in a world so different from your own.

Superficial conversations are better than none. Everyone starts out by making small talk. Instant connections are not the rule for the majority of people. Relationships are built over time. Make small talk with someone, anyone, on your program.

I studied abroad back in the day. I lived overseas for seven months and never once took a trip outside the city I lived in. I went to museums, shops, shows, and the like on my own. I had a great time. I had friends, but they returned and I stayed on.

If you are studying at a university that hosts foreign students, see if there are any clubs that you can join. Volunteer in the community. The Japanese are eager to learn English, so find out if there is a group you can be part of. Say hi to a nerd, or go along on one of the activities your program is sponsoring. At lunch, ask if you can join a group who seems friendly. Don’t worry about what you think they might be thinking about you.

You can turn this around if you stop blaming everything that’s beyond your control, and make an effort to leave your dorm room. Good luck.

6

@Lindagaf , what OP is describing in terms of sexual harassment is absolutely common and quite a shocking part of study in Japan. The common western perception of Japanese as polite and quiet and reserved does nothing to prepare you for the reality of being a young, pretty foreign woman. If your daughter hasn’t mentioned anything - I am sure I never told my mother - it’s because she considers it disgusting but has adjusted her expectations. Ask her.

I studied in Japan twice, and taught English. I was tall and blonde and skinny with a C cup, which made me stick out like a Barbie doll. I was frequently groped on the trains, walking home one night a drunk business man followed me, asking me to take a bath with him at a bathhouse (it was a play on words and he thought he was being very funny) and I was ignoring him until we passed a parking lot and he suddenly lunged at me and knocked me to my knees. I beat the crap out of him with my folding umbrella, which he wasn’t expecting probably.
In NY, construction workers might look up at me and say “Smile!”
In Japan, they would step into my path and heft a breast and say “heavy, huh?”
Little kids would ask to pose for a picture or touch my hair, then suddenly grab my hair and pull and run away carrying their “prize”. A nice guy I met and was talking to in a coffee shop essentially asked me if the carpet matched the drapes, and could I spare a few pubes to prove it?
If you have ever seen anime, it is full of long-legged half naked women, quite often underage and wearing school uniforms. Their underwear often shows with a random gust of wind. There is a lot of sexual violence pictures, some quite degrading and extreme.
I know there is some anime that is not explicitly about sex, but much of it is, and it is unhealthy. And it explains a lot obout the type of thing that can happen to a person who doesn’t look like “a real person”, i.e., a nihonjin.

So what I am saying is, I believe her. I had 6 brothers so I was quite comfortable with giving a guy an elbow or just walking away knowing that it was him, not me. But I loved Japan, and had a great homestay family, and STILL I got so tired of Japanese people. It wears on you. Even a very outgoing person who can shrug off a lot can get very very tired of sticking out, of people obviously regarding you as different, a curiosity, having strange expectations of you that you only half understand. Japan is a tough place.
I hope you only have a few weeks to go. I hope you are done in May. You can probably get thru.But I am a little concerned about your program and how you chose it. I had one thru my school, and another i arranged in Tokyo on my own, followed by teaching English in Kyoto and studying at a language school and loving with people I had met on my previous semester abroad. I was in cities and had friends. I have to question the wisdom of a program that drops you off in rural Japan with no support and nothing to do.

If you really have extra time, try walking in to one of the English language schools and asking for a job. I didn’t have a proper visa, only a student visa, but they hired me anyway. I worked 9-12 AM and sometimes 6-9 PM, teaching two classes at a time of private students to start, graduating to small groups. It was decent money, and I made a lot of friends among the other teachers. We called Japan “the Island of the misfit toys “ because there were ALL kinds of people teaching in Japan, for all kinds of reasons. Just having the money and a fired to go have dinner with can make a big difference.

Then again, if you don’t see anything improving, and you are really not talking (so not learning much Japanese) AND at risk of suicide, something that is a very Japanese thing, come home. Really. Better to do a semester at a CC to make up for it than to risk your life for a temporary situation.
Another bit of advice? Do NOT work for a Japanese company if you are a magnet for harassment. Trust me, they don’t know any better when they come over here. And in Japan, I had no bad experiences waitressing or teaching, but in a LARGE corporation in Japan AND Tokyo…the most disgusting things happened, much worse than anything I have described here. Just…don’t.

7

@imstayinghome: Your summary indicates that you are “poor” and “malnourished”.

Why are you malnourished ?

This may be a significant factor affecting your mood.

8

what does the vanilla.comments.edit mean?

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@Lindagaf sexual harassment happens to many women in Japan. Some like me seem to be a magnet for it. I typed a very long post but it must have contained some material too graphic for CC, I am assuming, since I got a message I don’t understand. Shenisnt making it up or likely exaggerating. It can be so bad you get PTSD.

10

@Gudmom , I don’t think the OP is lying and I don’t imply that. Calm down. People have different experiences. I asked my daughter about this last night, in great detail. She is adamant that she hasn’t been sexually harassed. Obviously I don’t think anyone should suffer it, and of course it’s wrong.

I don’t know if sexual harassment is rampant in Japan or not, but my daughter and the girls on her study abroad program are not experiencing notable sexual harassment. It’s possible some of them are, but if so, they are not speaking about it.

As for anime, I’m not sure how that is relevant. Every single culture and country has its own way of sexualizing women. I seriously doubt the Japanese are any more perverted than the rest of the world. Young, pretty women are harassed in EVERY country.

This is off topic now. I don’t know if the OP is returning, but I do hope she gets some useful advice from this thread.

11

@Lindagaf I don’t know what you mean by “calm down”, but in this context it is not appropriate. I was conveying my actual experience, and I don’t think I was particularly agitated.

I will say though that OP is probably understating the problem rather than overstating it. At her age, I am sure I would have called it sexual harassment also, but in hindsight sexual assault or at the very least “groping” was the much more common type of “harassment” I experienced.
I am glad your daughter isn’t having the same experience, but

“I don’t know if sexual harassment is rampant or not”?
Well, I do. It is. It is common, and accepted. Being groped in the trains is a particularly common experience, for Japanese women as well as for foreigners. Being grabbed on the streets in broad daylight is not uncommon. Anime is rife with depictions of sexualized schoolgirls in skimpy uniforms, and graphic depictions of sexual violence. It is very much a part of the culture of Japan.

12

But OP - my advice to you would be to find a job at an english language school. They would hire you even with a student visa, and would work around your schedule. It’s decent money, you would be busy, and
probably make some friends along the assortment of oddballs who end up teaching in Japan (like me). Just get thru the next few weeks.

If it is NOT just a few weeks, or if you are really in bad shape, go home. Make up the semester at a community college. It isn’t worth your life to try to stick it out.

13

I’m concerned about your history with depression. Please be sure to reach out for help and come home if you start feeling worse.

14

Oh, I see my original post made it thru, with edits. So sorry for the unnecessary duplication.

15

How much Japanese do you know?
Have you tried to befriend any Japanese girls or join any circles/clubs that are all-female (to avoid the sexual harrassment).

16

When is the program over? When is the current semester over? If you can come home after completing the current semester, you might consider it. If you have a history of mental health problems, you should be where you can get the help you might need. Also, what do your parents think?

17

And try to find the positives.

For instance, I found the food in Japan to be amazing. Delicious, high-quality, and not that expensive. The sushi from even some old run-down grocery store in some mountain village in the middle of nowhere Japan where literally every shop shuts down by 8PM (and most restaurants by 3PM) was better than the sushi from the top sushi places in a US metro of 2.5M (so probably better than anything you can find outside of a few American cities).

Can you ask females (Japanese or gaijin) out to dinner? Don’t pre-judge them. Appreciate them for who they are.

Also, I find that when it comes to humor, physical humor translates better (you can pantomime). This is definitely true with Japanese.

18

I know depression is a really hard thing to deal with and studying abroad is an especially hard thing to do but I think the best way to get through the rest would to be either really focus on school work or another hobby or just try to have a really positive attitude and get through it. I think you’re already a strong person for sticking with it.

19

I would like to help you. I’m trying to understand what area of Japan they’ve placed you in. I lived in rural Japan for 3 years and most rural places only have regular trains, not a metro.

At any rate, my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, living abroad is challenging for anyone. You also sound like you’ve been placed in a program that’s a very poor fit for you. (Additonally, constant sexual harassment is not o.k.! That was not my experience of rural Japan but I’ll take you’re word for it.) Does this program have a lead person you can turn to? Such as a counselor or program coordinator? Is there any way to switch to a different kind of residence, like a home stay? (With some caution: private msg me the name of your exchange organization if you’d like. Some have better track records than others.) I don’t say this very often, but if the exchange is really setting your entire environment up poorly–it is an option to return home. In that case, I would hope that you would, at a different time, under different circumstances, have the opportunity to study or work abroad again.

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The OP hasn’t been back to CC since posting this thread.