<p>Please know that it's difficult for everyone -- including adults -- to help with people who are grieving. However, the worst thing that anyone can do is to do nothing. Being there -- in any way -- is the best thing that you can do. You don't have to be perfect, just do something. Your friend desperately needs your help. Please give it to her and continue being with her during the many months that she'll continue to grieve.</p>
<p>Please do not be like the unfortunately many so-called friends who'll probably avoid her because her loss makes them uncomfortable. Yes, reaching out to her will make you uncomfortable, but there is no comparison between your discomfort and the pain she's in. Don't let her carry that pain alone.</p>
<p>It also is perfectly fine and appropriate to let her know that you cried when you heard of her dad's death. Otherwise, she may think that your lack of quick response to her message means you didn't care.</p>
<p>Here are some suggestions of what to do and a link to a site with more info. Also post in the Parents cafe for more suggestions.</p>
<p>"All that is necessary is a squeeze of the hand, a kiss, a hug, your presence. If you want to say something, say, "I'm sorry" or "I care".
Offer to help with practical matters; i.e., errands, fixing food, caring for children. Say "I'm going to the store. Do you need bread, milk, etc.? I'll get them." It is not helpful to say, "Call me if there is anything I can do."
Don't be afraid to cry openly if you were close to the deceased. Often the bereaved find themselves comforting you, but at the same time they understand your tears and don't feel so alone in their grief.
It is not necessary to ask questions about how the death happened. Let the bereaved tell you as much as they want when they are ready. A helpful question might be, "Would you like to talk? I'll listen."
Don't say, "I know just how you feel."
The bereaved may ask "WHY?" It is often a cry of pain rather than a question. It is not necessary to answer, but if you do, you may reply "I don't know why."
Don't use platitudes like "Life is for the living," or "It's God's will." Explanations rarely console. It is better to say nothing.
Recognize that the bereaved may be angry. They may be angry at God, the person who died, the clergy, doctors, rescue teams, other family members, etc. Encourage them to acknowledge their anger and to find healthy ways of handling it.
Be available to LISTEN frequently. Most bereaved want to talk about the person who has died. Encourage them to talk about the deceased. Do not change the conversation or avoid mentioning the person's name.
Read about the various phases of grief so you can understand and help the bereaved to understand.
Be PATIENT. . Don't say, "You will get over it in time." Mourning may take a long time. The bereaved need you to stand by them for as long as necessary. Encourage them to be patient with themselves as there is no timetable for grief.
Accept whatever feelings are expressed. Do not say, "You shouldn't feel like that." This attitude puts pressure on the bereaved to push down their feelings. Encourage them to express their feelings- cry, hit a pillow, scream, etc. "<a href="http://sids-network.org/grievingpeople.htm">http://sids-network.org/grievingpeople.htm</a></p>