<p>Hi all-
I've been lurking here for years, but have never really posted. I'm now faced with an issue that I can't get a handle on, and hope some of you can offer some encouraging words.
My son is a junior, top of his class at a great HS. He works very hard, and has done remarkably well in all his classes (has a 97 unweighted average). This year, he has 5 AP classes and has (up until now) all A's.
6 weeks ago he started having severe panic attacks associated with schoolwork. He has done NO schoolwork since the attacks started, though he's been going to school intermittently. The teachers have been very accommodating (basically giving him a free pass for this quarter, because his grades are so solid). We got him in to see a therapist, and he's been on Zoloft for 3 weeks now (this is so hard for me...my wonderful, amazing son on medication).<br>
The new quarter starts on Monday, and he is going to school less and less (missed Monday, few hours yesterday, missed today). His therapist doesn't want us to push him at this point, because that will just increase his anxiety and compound the problem. He's basically spending all his time watching TV and playing video games (I know he is self-medicating with these electronic diversions...). Interestingly, he is still participating in many of his extra-curriculars (Jazz band, Science Olympiad, World Affairs Council), and is still enjoying time with his friends. It's basically the schoolwork that stops him cold.<br>
At this point, it looks like he may not be able to complete the semester at school. He may not be able to take the AP exams in May. This is so devastating for us (and him, too, of course!).<br>
Do any of you know of kids who had to leave HS mid-junior year, and who were able to turn things around and graduate and go on to a decent college? My son has had dreams of Yale, MIT, etc - and his grades, scores and EC might have gotten him there. Those dreams are slowly turning to dust. I hope some of you can give me some hope, encouragement, advice....I can't believe this is happening and I can't stop crying.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. While I’ve never had to deal with this type of situation, it may be a case of college jitters or more. Have you had a chance to talk with any of his friends to see if they can provide you with any insight. I would definitely recommend therapy sessions with a therapist that deals with teenagers. Keep us posted.</p>
<p>{{{Hugs}}} to you deb. I am sorry that you and your son have to go through this. I don’t have the answers, but you seem to be doing the right thing by taking him to a mental health specialist. Honestly, I would put the “dreams” of those reach school aside. Your son’s well being is what is most important. If he does not take the AP exams, or if he scores 1s on them, that is not the end of the world. Your son still has a bright future. If he were my child, I would want him in a program that he could handle the way he is today, and at a school where he could cope. If that meant taking one or two classes and commuting to a third tier school, that is what I would do. As long as my son were healing, and putting one foot in front of the other to make some academic progress I would be satisfied. I realize that is not the dream that the 2 of you may have had, but there are many paths to a full and happy productive life. Keep in mind that most students are rejected from Ivy League schools anyway.</p>
<p>One more thing, you might want to get a diagnosis to bring to his high school so that he could get appropriate accommodations right now. I would discuss the matter openly with the school so that they can help. If you don’t, the teachers may just start to fail him. See what can be done and if they want to change his schedule.</p>
<p>debMaine, I’m sorry to hear of your son’s difficulties. As I’m sure you realize, his health and well-being are more important than his academics. He should do whatever he needs to do to get better. Since he is smart and hardworking, once he deals with his health issues he can return to his high-achieving academics. If he takes one more year to finish high school, that is inconsequential in the scheme of things.</p>
<p>The important thing right now is to get to the bottom of your son’s emotional distress. This is more common than you might realize because there is SO much pressure on kids to excel and “get into Yale, MIT etc”. Junior year is the hardest year. He may not graduate on time, but that is not the end of the world. What does he think is going on with the panic attacks? Does he feel pressured? I am sorry you are going through this, but the important thing is your son’s mental health and not whether he gets to take his AP exams. He can get a medical leave for this next quarter if he needs to.</p>
<p>I am probably younger than your son, so my advice might be slightly “different”, but for what it’s worth: perhaps he ties his self-esteem to his grades too much. I used to be like that, and it really affected me, till I realised it wasn’t worth it; what you, and his teachers, need to do is point out to him that you aren’t defined by whether you got a 5 or a 4 in an AP exam. Also, ask him to write about this in the essay and how it’s changed him (if he feels up to it). Good luck.</p>
<p>Semper fi >>>.</p>
<p>I wonder what would happen if he cut down on the time spent on TV and video games and increased the amount of exercise he’s getting. From your username, I’m guessing you are in Maine, so maybe it’s hard to get outside right now, but I think it makes a big difference in managing emotional balance.</p>
<p>^Yes, I can allude to that. I notice myself that, when I play video games too often, create a happy little false bubble of a virtual life for myself, I tend to neglect my real-life activities too much. I’m not saying that the OP should ban video games, but maybe she should encourage her son to take up some sports - even something he can do on his own, like running. </p>
<p>Also, make sure he’s getting enough sleep (8 hrs a night) and eating right. As a teen, I can say that, if we don’t get exercise, sleep, and good nutrition, we can get pretty depressed pretty quickly.</p>
<p>Wow. What an amazing thing to have such quick, thoughtful replies.
We have let the school know - they have been so understanding and they certainly won’t fail him. The principal is bending over backwards to help. We’re lucky that he goes to a small school where everyone knows him.
His panic attacks are clearly from academic pressure. He has built up such high expectations for himself, and I think he just “cracked.” (what we used to call a nervous breakdown… you never hear that term anymore!) And python38 - what amazing insight! Yes, his self-esteem is SOOOOO closely linked to his academic persona. They are one and the same…
The video game thing is distressing, and we have a plan to get him to do other things. He takes martial arts, which is a great physical outlet, but he’s missed a lot of classes recently.
I do know his health and well-being are the most important thing. Just seeing, in print from you all, that it’s okay for him to deviate from the “accepted” path, helps me a lot. I just have to internalize that, and then communicate it to him.</p>
<p>What would you and the school do if your son needed to be hospitalized for an accident or illness? </p>
<p>Given the severity of the problems, it would be hard to get more passes for this year. It seems that the very best would be to get a medical leave and work towards repeating the junior year after the summer. With a repeated fall semester, your son should be able to focus on the EC and really prepare for college. Another option would be spend a semester in a different school or even abroad. </p>
<p>Consider this year some kind of early gap year. There are no reasons why this should preclude your son to attend a dream school. On the other, trying to push him through this year will probably backfire school/grade wise.</p>
<p>While it is none of my business, I would also check for a second opinion on the medical side, and make sure that the therapist knows his field.</p>
<p>I wonder if he’d feel less pressure doing some coursework online when he feels ready. Working at his own pace with no one watching might ease some of the anxiety. I understand your concern about meds, but they can be lifesavers in conjunction with therapy. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Better for him to learn to find some self esteem apart from academics now because the problem could have come up at a distant college. You will get a lot of support here. I know it took courage to speak up about this. When he is ready to look at colleges, finding a place with good support systems where he won’t fall through the cracks would be important. There is nothing at all wrong with starting at a CC while living at home. Whatever works.</p>
<p>Deb, I’m so sorry to hear of your son’s troubles. My high acheiving boy experienced a milder form of the same issues his junior year. He’s doing fine now and loving his freshman year at his first choice school. FWIW, I would:
- Make sure that your son knows that your love for him is completely unconnected to his acheivements, academic and otherwise.
- Work with him to identify positive self-care strategies for his anxiety: his ECs, exercise, snuggling with a pet, talking with a friend or parent. Then work to substitute these for the numbing behaviors (TV etc.) he’s currently using.
- Focus your praise on effort–“I know it was hard for you to get out the door this morning. I’m proud that you stuck with it.”–Never ask about grades or accomplishments.
- Seek his permission to be candid with teachers and friends about what he’s struggling with. Shame is a downward spiral.
- Make sure you have found the right therapist for your son’s issues. “Fit” in therapy is as important as in college admissions! Educate yourself about the various forms of treatment for anxiety–some have been shown to be much more effective than others.
- Consider out-of-the-box scenarios for the next phase of his life: a semester abroad, time off with involvement in a volunteer/service activity, etc. He will need opportunities to succeed and a broader definition of success than the high-pressure pipeline of college admissions.
- Be sure that you are getting the care and support that you will need to be loving and positive with him. He will need to see and believe that you can handle hearing whatever he needs to tell you about what he is going through, that you believe he will be fine and are ready to travel with him on whatever journey he takes to get there.</p>
<p>And please let us know how we can help.</p>
<p>Does he know he doesn’t have to take the AP tests? My daughter didn’t want to take a couple in subjects she didn’t enjoy. She would have been fine if she didn’t take any. Try to reduce the situations where he will be judging himself. Maybe have his teachers grade his papers pass/fail, keeping a secret ledger so that his transcript can be filled out at a later date. Break the habit of checking for the top grade.</p>
<p>Going abroad when emotionally fragile is usually a not a good idea. The stress of adjusting can be very hard on those kids.</p>
<p>I hope I’m not saying the exact wrong thing because I’m no medical expert, but, because his self-esteem is so tied to his grades, and that won’t turn around over night, what about letting him finish the year with self-study on the AP tests? Maybe the school would let his AP exam results stand in for finals so that the whole year wouldn’t have to be repeated and he wouldn’t feel like it was all for nothing. This would allow him a sense of academic accomplishment without the day-to-day pressure of everyday classes.</p>
<p>People smarter than me can weigh in as to whether this is a good or bad idea.</p>
<p>Of course, his health is most important and as long as he knows his grades are secondary in your eyes, then that’s the most important thing.</p>
<p>debMaine, I am so sorry about this. It sounds as if you’re taking the right steps, and there is lots of great advice here. I am going to throw out something, just in case. Has your son started taking anything recently? I am not talking about illegal substances, but any over-the-counter or prescription medication, supplement, etc. Some years ago the daughter of a friend had a sudden descent into what appeared to be serious mental illness. She was actually hospitalized in a mental institution. As it turned out, her symptoms were due not to mental illness, but to an over-the-counter medication that she had started to take. It may have been for weight loss. When she stopped taking the stuff, she was fine. She has always been calm and even-tempered, before and since. This happened when she was about 17, and she is now in her 30’s.</p>
<p>First, I want to tell you that yes, I do know a kid who had a breakdown his junior year of HS, recovered and went on to a good college. He had acceptances that surprised even college counselors.</p>
<p>As others said, you need to focus on your DS’s issues with worrying for now. There’s no reason everyone needs to head to college at 18. I would home school or find a school that can truly accommodate his needs until he’s on firm ground.</p>
<p>The young man I know ended up attending an emotional growth school for 2 years and emerged happy and confident. He’s doing very well at a top 30 college.</p>
<p>Good luck to your family and stay strong!</p>
<p>It usually takes some time to get meds right and for thing to settle down. The most important thing is for him not to feel as though he’s on a schedule and all will be lost if he doesn’t get right back on track. The worst results seem to happen when a kid returns to the rat race without being really ready.</p>
<p>Much great advice above. And support, as well. All wonderfully typical of this site, which is a phenomenal place for us parents when we are in need.</p>
<p>Only thing I would offer is the question of whether the new medication has had enough time to possibly have the positive effects it might yield. </p>
<p>Good luck to you and stay with us; let us know how it’s going.</p>
<p>Please don’t let worries about schoolwork and college plans add to your distress. There are many paths your S can take and life is not a race. In the grand scheme of things, it won’t matter one bit if he started college in 2010, 2011 or later. Once you accept that there are alternative paths, you can relax and focus on the healing. I’ve been in your shoes and I know how tough it is to see your child suffer. </p>
<p>Even as he heals, the pressure and time constraints of trying to research and visit schools, take tests and prepare apps by next fall may not be in his best interest. It may be too much to do in too short a timeframe. If that would be the case, relieve some of that pressure by looking for alternatives. Don’t rush his recovery, allow him to ease back in. There are online courses that can be taken at anytime to help him catch up on missed jr year credits. PG and gap years are a way to push off those college deadlines and let him get solidly back on his feet, both academically and emotionally before heading to college. Do some research now to let yourself see that there are plenty of options, it really does help. Best wishes, I think your family is moving in the right direction.</p>
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<p>O.K., you took your son to a psychiatrist who prescribed medication. The physician has addressed the immediate depression or anxiety. Have you talked to an educational psychologist about a full assessment of his learning abilities? (I am not one, by the way.)</p>
<p>If you think it is bizarre to suggest that your brilliant child might have learning “issues”, pop down to befuddled’s thread about her high achieving, dyslexic son. Apparently someone can have a very high IQ and yet be relatively slow to process information.</p>
<p>This may not be your son’s problem at all, but it just might be some other learning issue that has not been identified (something to be untangled from the emotional ones). Talk to your school professional or psychiatrist about whether this is at least worth exploring (before bringing it up with your son).</p>
<p>I am so sorry that your son and you are having these problems! There’s lots of good advice in the previous posts. </p>
<p>I would add that you might want to make sure that you have very capable mental health professionals giving him lots of attention right now. Apparently he is completely unable to cope with the main part of his life – school, which is pretty serious. I assume a psychiatrist is prescribing the medication. Does he have a therapist that can help him specifically with the panic attacks? He may need specialized help, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or exposure therapy, to help him through this.</p>