My kid hates private school. Which is disappointing because we decided to spend the extra money to really get her the best education we could afford.
Anyway, if she is actually miserable there should we pull her out?
It’s not like she is being bullied but she is just having trouble making friends. What would you do?
It can be difficult to make friends at any new school. One way to meet new people is to participate in activities. We had to put one of our kids in a new private school mid-year once and it was tough. Kid joined a new sport, theater and other clubs. Made many friends but found it hard to overcome that all the kids had all started together the previous year.
Just one or two good friends can make a real difference. It has also been hard for kids with Covid so many have gone even more online than before making it hard for new kids to join in.
If your daughter knows that you are sticking to the private school plan, she’ll also be more willing to commit to putting herself out there.
Of course, the context matters:
There are multiple types of private high schools. Something like a Montessori or Waldorf high school will in terms of culture be likely to be very different from a prestigious expensive academy. Religious high schools might be different again.
When I was a student at a rather highly ranked university in the US most of the other students there (a very large majority) were from relatively normal public high schools. I was from a rather lousy public high school, as was my freshman year roommate (we had both done quite well at our lousy public high schools). You do not need to attend a prestigious high school in order to get to MIT or Stanford or Harvard for your bachelor’s degree. You also do not need to attend MIT or Stanford or Harvard for undergrad in order to attend one of these schools for your graduate degree.
On the other hand, the transition back to a public high school is not necessarily going to be easy either.
I do not think that this is an easy call. If switching back to a public high school is what your child wants to do, then I would be inclined to go for it.
I also agree that participating in activities can be very helpful in some cases.
How old is this child, and how long has the child been attending private school?
My parents put me in a private school for 7th and 8th grade - the school was k-8 and most of the kids were together since kindergarten.
I. Hated. It.
I was a public school kid and it was a true culture shock. I actually didn’t go to school for almost two weeks - pretended to go, intercepting phone calls - a lot easier back in the day.
Long story short, there was no way my parents were letting me out of it. (Our local middle school was horrible).
In the end, I made some friends and I look back and see it as a pivotal time in my life. I don’t think I would have achieved as much if my parents didn’t make that decision.
This is a high schooler or college student we’re talking about?
Need more context.
I think private schools are overrated for the most part and usually not worth the money, but sometimes depending on the context they can be well worth it.
For the record, I went to public school, but my kids at times have gone to private school, traditional public school, public charter school, and homeschool and dual enrollment in community college. My kids, especially my older one, have anxiety (clinically diagnosed) so we started out in a small, gentle, outdoorsy private school. We had to leave there when it dissolved, so then they went to public school, but it was not a great fit for my oldest, so then we did the charter school. 11th grade was really rough, so we did homeschool and dual enrollment CC, but that was not a very successful experiment, so went back to the charter for 12th grade. My younger, D22, has done all but the homeschool/CC combo.
For us the private school in elementary school was good in some ways, but because it was so small my older kid could not make good friends. Just didn’t click great with anyone there. The teaching was fine and the overall approach of the school was really sweet, but there was some mean girl action, too. Our public schools are very high achieving here (probably the best in the state), but we felt like middle school would be pretty stressful for our oldest so we tried the charter (6th-12th then). Our kid made really good friends there who still keep in touch 3 years after graduation.
I know very successful, top of their fields, public school graduates and from not so great high schools too. Personally, I do not feel that private school is worth it unless it is for the mental health of the child, but in this case it seems like private school is causing anguish for the child, so I would say pull 'em out and send 'em back to public if that’s what they want to do.
Obviously, you know your kid best and your school choices best, but I’d save the money for college if your kid doesn’t want to be there.
First off, I’m sorry this has happened - it’s heartbreaking when you think you are giving your kid the best and it’s making them miserable. I think she should finish the school year where she is and give it a real chance. If she is still miserable at the end of the year you can explore alternatives. I assume your public schools are acceptable - if not, you may want to explore other private options. Good luck.
I don’t have enough info to respond specifically to your daughter’s situation.
I can tell you , having been through it myself, that a small insular high socioeconomic status school is not a good setting for a child who is not a social butterfly, especially when they enter midstream.
I was so miserable and isolated when I entered that setting, in 7th grade. By 8th, after trying so hard and not making real friends there, I realized that it was a mismatch for me. There were only 40 kids in the grade, 20 had been together since first grade, and virtually all of those 20 came from wealthy, insular, related families. I tried to explain to my parents that I thought that I would be better off at one of the excellent city exam schools, but they were a long commute on public transit, at a time when the city was very unsafe, so my parents would not let me apply. Four more horribly unhappy years, as the school outcast. I wound up seeking friends and additional education in an after school/weekend special interest program.
Funny thing happened. The summer before senior year, I went to an Ivy’s summer residential program. So did a few other kids from that high school. I immediately made lots of friends there, had a wonderful summer. They didn’t. They were scared of the new environment, couldn’t adjust. I had nothing to do with them all summer, was too busy and happy with all the new friends I had made. But the one kid in the class who would talk to me (as long as no one else was watching) told me that the other kids from the school who were at that same precollege program had written home (in those days people actually wrote letters) saying how strange it was, that I had adjusted so well there, was popular there, while they were having such a tough time of it. He told me, “They’re jealous of you. You’re the smartest kid in the school, you run circles around them in classes, and you’ve got a life outside of school. They’re all terrified of the outside world.” I didn’t believe him, but looking back, I think that he was right.
Sadly, he didn’t adjust to college. He lasted all of two weeks at RPI, then ran home. I don’t know how many others had the same trouble, but when I spoke with a teacher from the school a year later, he told me that a number of my classmates had had a lot of trouble adjusting to college.
If your daughter is miserable there because it’s such a small school that she cannot find people with whom she has something in common, she might be happier, socially, at a larger public school where she is more likely to find a peer group.
Sometimes the more costly and “better” school in the parent eyes is not what the child sees.
But…how old? Are we talking about a 13 year old or a 16 year old…or younger.
I would listen to your child unless the public schools are just awful where you reside. But that doesn’t sound like it’s the case.
I am presuming your child is in middle or high school. I am also presuming that your deposit for next year is due soon and part of the conversation of whether to stay or go.
Many independent schools have full time counselors and/or your child may also be assigned an advisor. Have you reached out to any of these resources to talk about your daughter and see if what you are hearing at home maps to what the school is seeing? Has she spoken to anyone at school about her feelings and friendships? Is she still hanging out mainly with her friends from her old school?
A benefit of many independent schools is the community and the resources. I know this was asked above, but is your daughter involved in any clubs, sports, activities to find her people vs just attending class and heading home ?
It is hard to hear she is unhappy and I hope you can work with the school to get a better understanding of the source of her unhappiness.
Also….is this a day school or a boarding school? If a boarding school…does this kid board?
If you read the boarding school forum, everyone talks about finding the place where a kid can be the best possible version of themselves. And there are so many factors! Academics are only one part – what’s offered and how. Schools vary in terms of how competitive they are, how diverse, how structured, how artsy or sporty, how diverse, how inclusive, cliquey, conservative, religious, etc.
I’d try to work out with your D what isn’t working, whether there’s a way of addressing it and whether she can get from the school what she’d hoped for.
I live in an area with lots of private schools and can say that there are several that are excellent but would have been dead wrong for my kid. One of DS’ closest new friends freshman year left their school, which was totally transformational for my kid, and returned to his public school sophomore year. It is not unusual to see families send one kid to one and another to a different one. Not every place is right for everyone.
I know how hard it is to watch your kid be unhappy. None of us here know what’s right - this school, another private, or your LPS. Really wishing you the best.
My kids have attended catholic school since kindergarten. Right after junior yr, one of my kids said she was done. She withdrew herself from the school and started senior yr in high school. She wasn’t miserable in that school, she just felt teachers were not as invilved as she would have liked. I only heard from teachers if there was a problem. I thought it will affect her college chances bc private school curriculum is so intense and students can’t take more than 3 eventually 4 aps a year, and grading is also hard, so she would be compared to public school kids wjo have been able to take many more ap classes and easier grading system. But she made that choice. I thought she would have a hard time adjusting to public school, going from a small school of 400 kids to 1500+ but she has had no problems. Taking 6 APs senior year, got a job, lots of college acceptances + merit scholarships. She doesn’t regret it and neither do i. In fact, now i wish my other kid had done the same.