<p>speckledegg, I am trying to imagine a 24 year old at a high school prom. Somehow I just can't make it work in my mind. Nice idea though.</p>
<p>If she got to the UK she could do a few inexpensive programs at the Globe Theatre...</p>
<p>Idea # 53</p>
<p>ebeeeee, if this is her boyfriend, who else would she want to go with? And if he is a guy who looks or acts younger than 24, it's not out of the question. This is the reality of internet relationships: they feel real even though if the people involved lived in the same town, they might not otherwise mingle.</p>
<p>oy vey is pretty flippin' accurate.</p>
<p>now call me insane, but if this is an online boyfriend...why can't he stay an online boyfriend? seems pretty convenient actually...he can go where ever she goes and all she needs is an ethernet connection!</p>
<p>talk to her. if she wont listen to you, find someone she will listen to. you could even show her this post! i for one find the parents on this post to be incredibly helpful. what i hear from my parents is often reaffirmed on CC which makes me believe my own parents even more. </p>
<p>don't ban her from the boyfriend...she'll only rebel and make your relationship miserable. you could try setting some ground rules, such as it stays an online-only thing.</p>
<p>remind your daughter how hard she worked for what she's gotten. if this guy really likes her as much as she thinks he does, then he would want her to succeed and follow her dreams. he should want to support her and see her accomplish everything she's ever wanted. if not, then she should seriously reconsider their relationship. </p>
<p>it's so much easier for me to listen to my parents in small doses. talk to her in a non-threatening way; don't get defensive. listen to what she has to say...after all, i'm sure she has some really valid points. don't raise your voice. have a conversation and a discussion. don't lecture her. as much as she hates to admit it, she wants your love, trust, and approval...TRUST ME. keep an optimistic tone. offer to help her figure it out. she will appreciate all of this in the long run. best of luck!</p>
<p>Your post reminded me of a friend that I had as child, teen and young adult. She had a series of bf's through the years that were all long distance relationships. She did date men here and there that were close by, but these never developed into relationships. Frankly, I began to think that some of her long distance relationships were "made up", but I cannot say it with 100% certainty. I really think that the distance was comfortable for her, for all the reasons that Carolyn stated in her post. She also had a difficult time, I feel, with transitions. We went to a sleep away camp together at about 14, and she "hated it" and demanded to be picked up. She transferred colleges b/c she was unhappy with her freshman year at one university, but really became involved with sports activities at another school and was very happy after her transfer. I actually am still in occasional contact with this person, and I asked her what the real reason was for the transfer. I don't feel that I got an honest answer over 25 years later. My point in all of this is to suggest that perhaps 2 things are going on: The safety of a long distance relationship, and the difficulty of the unknown change, and transition. As kirmum suggests, you really do need to check this guy out. BTW, we have a distant relative whose 18 y/o met a guy who was from another country. Guess who moved in for several weeks! I did not ask how it ended, but mom and dad were not too happy the summer before college began.</p>
<p>Do you know this fellows name, date of birth, address,educational history, place of employment etc?
If so, you should hire someone to do an investigation asap. Its possible that he is a totally normal and nice fellow but its just as likely that he is very bad news.
If your D were dating someone in the old fashioned way, you would know all of this information by now, having met him, perhaps his family etc. If your D does not know all of this information its very suspect. Have you asked her for such information? If he is legit he should understand your concerns and wish to send you a resume, and anything else.</p>
<p>I remember a post like this before on CC, only I think it was a young girl dating another girl she met online and the mom didn't know what to do.</p>
<p>How do you know this guy is really who he says he is?</p>
<p>To answer some questions: D is not naive, and she's always had good judgement in various situations. In her freshman year, she was being stalked by a boy, and she sought the appropriate resources on her own to deal with him - he had some mental health issues, and he went into treatment and never bothered her again. This is a young woman who I trusted to fly from NYC to London by herself at age 16. </p>
<p>We are waiting until graduation because that's when he would be available to come up here. </p>
<p>I have a quite a bit of information on this guy, although who knows how accurate it is. I'll be running a background check tomorrow through one of the People Finder web sites, and if anything raises any red flags, then I'll consider hiring someone to investigate further.</p>
<p>I don't know if I would treat him so seriously. Your daughter is a drama kid. "Let's see...what dramtaic thing could I do to wind my mom up so that she sees how unhappy I am at high school?"</p>
<p>"Hmmmmmm....maybe I should pretend to be 'dating' an unsuitable man from the internet? Brilliant! Nothing to lose and, bonus points, I get to watch my mom's eyes bug out of her head."</p>
<p>I believe you when you say she is sensible. This is melodrama as written by a sensible, self-preserving girl who needs a little attention. </p>
<p>If he buys a ticket or if she buys a ticket, then treat him like serious threat. If not...let her fade away from him when she realizes she is going to have a fabulous summer in Ireland or wherever.</p>
<p>I have not read the entire post so if I am being redundant I apoligize. You may want to check the laws in your state. In our state a 17 year old can date anyone they choose as long as that person is not in a position of authority (i.e. teacher, coach, priest). My daughter never pursued it but had several older men messaging her and I checked with the sheriff. He informed me of the law and said many men know this and look for the 17 year olds.</p>
<p>I'm not usually an alarmist. I have 2 daughters, both of whom regularly flew back and forth between London and LA often at 8 and 10. My 14 year old is at school 3000 miles away.</p>
<p>The OP reports a child who is probably depressed, who is 5/500 yet no longer is interested in college, had multiple recent dissapointments and felt left out by friends. I would take this seriously. That child could be up and gone in a flash. </p>
<p>I would know who this person is and where he is. The most level headed of 17 year olds can be taken in by a smart adult. I don't think people finder will show you much. If he's a liar you probably don't even have his real name.</p>
<p>Find a good therapist.</p>
<p>I just found this thread and WOW is this similar to a problem we had last spring except we met the guy. He lied about his age, said he was almost 20, D was 16. Said he was taking a semester off from UCLA. She met him through a friend he was an acquantiance of an older sister. Dressed like a million dollars, was occassionally on a well known realty TV show featuring teens and D met the cast. Then he slipped a couple of times with comments to my H and I and his stories about UCLA, parents jobs etc didn't seem quite right but by ths time he had D convinced he was Mr Wonderful....
Well we said no more going places with him, checked her phone and reeled her in, she then went on a summer program for 4 weeks and we threatened legal action because the guy was actually 25. A friend is a Police Office, ran a check, and found out that he was actually on probation for Grand Theft, forgery. Our friend tossed his apt and let him know he was playng with fire.. He never attended UCLA, never attended the private HS he said he had etc....
D was given all of this info and we worked with her to re-gain her sense of self....It was a rough road but we are back on track and she is off to college in the fall. Her trip last summer with a large group of High School kids really helped her re-gain the perspective of a teenager!</p>
<p>I agree with all who posted to check into who this person is, and his background. Hiring an investigator is one avenue; meanwhile, here are some online tools that may help, depending on what information you have to start with. I am NOT a fan at all of invading privacy or snooping around on people without very, very good cause - and in fact I find it very distasteful, however, when a young person's safety is potentially at even slight risk, I think parents have some responsibility to gather at least very basic facts, and also to make an effort to expose inconsistencies in stories. At least make sure this gentleman is truly who he says he is. Of this list Zabasearch is probably the most useful for this type of situation. </p>
<p><a href="http://www.jux2.com%5B/url%5D">www.jux2.com</a> – compares Google, MSN and Yahoo in one search</p>
<p><a href="http://www.searchenginewatch.com%5B/url%5D">www.searchenginewatch.com</a> - ranks the best search engines</p>
<p><a href="http://www.a9.com%5B/url%5D">www.a9.com</a> – investigator’s search engine, has GPS mapping</p>
<p><a href="http://www.kartoo.com%5B/url%5D">www.kartoo.com</a> – presents search results in linked analysis format</p>
<p><a href="http://www.dogpile.com%5B/url%5D">www.dogpile.com</a> *- recommended</p>
<p><a href="http://www.grokker.com%5B/url%5D">www.grokker.com</a> – enterprise searches</p>
<p><a href="http://www.completeplanet.com%5B/url%5D">www.completeplanet.com</a> – over 70,000 searchable databases</p>
<p><a href="http://www.searchsystems.net%5B/url%5D">www.searchsystems.net</a> – the largest public records database</p>
<p><a href="http://www.zabasearch%5B/url%5D">www.zabasearch</a> – public records</p>
<p><a href="http://www.visualroute.com%5B/url%5D">www.visualroute.com</a></p>
<p><a href="http://www.samspade.com%5B/url%5D">www.samspade.com</a> – domain name register</p>
<p>I have to agree with kirmum in that I find the whole thing pretty alarming-- and I would try to act on it in some way while she is still 17. Perhaps better than waiting til she can say "I'm 18 and out of here!" (not that she would, necessarily, but still...).
Mostly I find the whole unknown aspect of him a huge creepy negative. Why can't he meet a girlfriend "in real life?" I think you are very wise to do a background check. Hopefully the news from WPI might help her snap back to reality a bit and help her get excited about the possibility of college again. In the meantime, can you discontinue WOW, and ask (not force) her to cut back on her contact with this guy? I wish kids could have the benefit of looking back on themselves from an adult perspective. Good luck!!</p>
<p>I am concerned that your D may be in danger. Have you checked this guy out on the National Registry? Maybe I am overly cautious, but... And there are organizations that check out kids on the internet meeting others, etc. Perhaps they can help you with this. I remember reading a story about a police officer who volunteers his time with such an organization and contacts the kids to let them know they may be in danger.</p>
<p>Your daughter sounds like my three kids, rolled into one. Son is addicted to WOW, has an online girlfriend he met there from Texas. She's supposedly his age. They are meeting this weekend for the first time. But he's 21 so nothing I can do to legally stop him. Middle daughter is a senior, caught up in a flury of activities, with a bit...."do I care any more? Applications are in, acceptances coming out." My youngest, however, suffered many setbacks as your daughter. School was easy, then difficult. Good friends found new interests and she was left behind. A boyfriend situation that ended swiftly when she refused his sexual advances. I didn't realize the extent of her depression until she lost 20 lbs in about six weeks. She didn't need help, spent hours online with "friends". The internet became her salvation. Through our pediatrician, found a good therapist. It's not easy. The therapy offices don't make new clients a priority. Have your doctor's office recommend another therapist. Ask friends, family for a referal. Ask your church. Do not stop until you find someone. You state she doesn't want meds. Neither did my daughter. But the competent therapist helped eased the transition. A year later, she's a different person. Self confidence returned. High self esteem. New friends and goals for the future. Please get her help. Depression is extremely difficult, especially in teens.</p>
<p>With or without considering the man, you have to address the changes in your D. So many kids that age live on an emotional high wire, and it seems that hers is caught in a storm. If your house were being threatened by a tornado, you'd make sure your family was safe. This is the emotional equivalent. I know people are suggesting that you not overreact. What I'd say instead is that you shouldn't let her see you sweat. If you appear to be panicky, then she's in control. But you know your daughter, you perceive that things are amiss, she’s a minor, you’re the mom. Reaction—and action—are necessary.</p>
<p>Of course, there is also the question of the man-- and as other posters have noted, that's what he is. Simple statement of fact: He’s a man, not a boy, who’s exerting influence on someone who’s a girl, not a woman. Is there any chance at all that he’s a fabulous human being and they’re a match made in heaven? Well, there’s a chance of almost anything. But I wouldn’t put a lot of money on this one. </p>
<p>Actually, the degree of influence that he seems to be having on her concerns me even more than the age difference. I’d rather not go into a lot of detail, but about a year and a half ago my D met a guy. They very quickly got extremely, deeply, we’re-spending-the-rest-of-our-lives-together involved. This was an IRL person, and we initially had a favorable impression of him. But it ended very badly, and my D went through some despicable stuff. Now, thank goodness, she’s doing great. And in retrospect she’s able to see very, very clearly that she set aside her dreams, goals, talents, social life and sense of self for this guy and for a skewed notion that they were “in love.” She did learn a lot from it, and the truth is that most of us at some point go through something really lousy that results in a big maturity jump. That’s certainly true for my D. She’s now more zealous than ever about being true to herself and making her own life happen.</p>
<p>Artsymom and Momray - 2 very good posts full of good advice. I'd just add that PIs have a lot more resources at their fingertips and can be a lot more discreet than you could with your own do-it-yourself detective work. I'd consult a good one now.</p>
<p>Irishmom, you've received a lot of solid advice. </p>
<p>Your daughter needs a therapist ASAP. Don't give up just because the therapist your doctor recommended is not returning your calls. I had a similar problem a few years ago when I needed to get my d. to a cardiologist, and no one would take her as a new patient unless she showed up in an emergency room with symptoms. You do NOT want to wait until your daughter does something drastic to finally get her help. Part of the problem may stem from her age: pediatric psychologists think she should see an adulty psychologist, and the adult psychologists think, because she's under 18, that she should see a pediatric one. (This is what happened to us, in part.)</p>
<p>I suggest you try a variation of what I did to solve the problem: call your primary care physician and tell him that the therapist is not returning your calls. Explain that you need someone else immediately because you are afraid for your daughter's mental health. If the new names don't pan out (don't give them more than a day or two to return calls), then ask your doctor's office to call the therapist and set up an appointment for you. Be willing to take any time, any day.</p>
<p>We found that specialists are more likely to respond to other doctors than they are to potential patients. Your doctor's office will be outraged that their patient isn't getting the help she needs, and the therapist, unless he is truly and irrevocably overbooked, will be embarrassed to tell a colleague that he cannot help. I had spent hours on the phone trying to find a doctor, and my doctor's office got me an appointment in less than an hour.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that, in most states, just about anyone can call himself a therapist. You want him to have a degree -- either PhD or MD -- in lieu of other recommendations. There's still no guarantee of quality, but at least you'll be taking your daughter to someone who is supposed to be qualified. Obviously, if someone you know highly recommends a non-doctor, then you might not need the degree.</p>