My child is merely average.

<p>bhmomma,</p>

<p>We tromped through ten of the 40 colleges. My question was, how much did these schools pay to be included in that book? Without naming names, a few of them look and feel like high schools; a few of them told my D she was eligible for Presidential Scholarships (which is scary -- if she represents the higher level or maybe everyone gets told this). The book is an interesting concept but some of the represented schools are very lucky to receive the publicity. When you are standing in a dorm room the size of a closet and notice the paint peeling from the exposed pipes, there is a disconnect between that and the 47K annual tuition. I am just saying. Anyone who wants to go to college can, if they have enough money. And that is part of the undercurrent of Mr. Pope's book: lower yr expectations and open yr wallet.</p>

<p>Why is it "laughable" to have no special expertise? Some go for depth, others for breadth. It sounds like your daughter is good at a lot of different things; so what if she isn't great at them?</p>

<p>To OP:</p>

<p>Your daughter is not "average."</p>

<p>She is "normal."</p>

<p>Normal is wonderful. Normal is to be celebrated. Normal has endless potential. </p>

<p>Remember when she was born and the doctors said she was healthy and normal? Remember how relieved you were? She's still normal, and you should still be relieved.</p>

<p>I gotta tell you one thing, though. </p>

<p>Normal can be destroyed. It can be undermined by a lack of belief by a parent. Your daughter 100% <em>knows</em> that you think she doesn't measure up. If you ask her to design a holiday card, you cannot cast her drawing aside because it is not good enough. That sort of behavior is quite toxic to a normal teen. It needs to stop, like yesterday.</p>

<p>So buck up. I know lots of kids who are doing amazing things and lots of kids who are deeply troubled. You (and I) got "normal."</p>

<p>Me, I'm OK with that, and I think my normal D <em>rocks!</em></p>

<p>^^^^ cindysphinx wins Post of the Day Award!!</p>

<p>I just got a call from my neighbor. Her nephew - a 19 year old who struggled to find his place in the world - an average kid without much ambition who ended up at the local, low-rated public university much to the dismay of his parents - died unexpectantly yesterday. That type of things can happen to any us. So, as I start to get frustrated and nag because my S is more concerned about his status in his computer game clan than the status of his college applications and his grades, I guess I need think more about how it would be if this very normal kid wasn't around.</p>

<p>I hear such a sense of grief and loss in the OP. What is the loss exactly? . </p>

<p>Really at the end of the day, what does one want for their kids and more importantly, why? I'd like my child to have a career that gives them fulfilment and financial survival, loving relationships with a family and friends, and to be a person of character, with joy in their life and a sense of esteem. Am I really that unusual? I don't think so. </p>

<p>As for an educational path to those goals, there are a million ways to that. And there are a million lives and lifestyles to live.</p>

<p>a few of them look and feel like high schools</p>

<p>Small doesn't equal high school.
My oidest as I mentioned attended a college that is smaller than her sisters high school-
It has been in Mr Popes books- for several editions- it is also one of the most intense undergrad academic experiences in the country- but is that what you are looking for?</p>

<p>If you are looking toward post high school education as a path towards a definite career choice or expect the image of a campus given to us by Big 10 football games and name dropping sitcoms, then you don't want a liberal arts college.</p>

<p>But others may be interested in the take by the head of the adcom dept at her school.
Center</a> of Inquiry in the Liberal Arts - What Admission Officers Know (and Faculty Need to Know) About Public Perceptions of Liberal Arts Colleges</p>

<p>
[quote]
Research at liberal arts colleges in both the sciences and the humanities is similarly misunderstood. Despite numerous studies (HEDS, 2006) showing the disproportionate share of small liberal arts colleges among the nation’s top per capita source of future PhDs (Bryn Mawr College, Carleton College, Oberlin, Reed, and Swarthmore are in the top ten), even the best students I encounter express surprise when learning that they will have the opportunity, perhaps may even be required, to do collaborative research in the arts, humanities, social sciences, or sciences as early as the sophomore or the junior year at colleges like Reed. There is a widespread and powerful fallacy that research is only done at big universities with massive laboratories and legions of graduate students. Small liberal arts colleges need to work harder to counter this mistaken belief.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>This illustrates your disconnect</p>

<p>Her essays were quite literal and middle of the road. Testwise, she took a prep class and pulled up her SAT score 100 pts to a laughable **1830....*</p>

<p>a few of them told my D she was eligible for Presidential Scholarships (which is scary -- if she represents the higher level or maybe everyone gets told this)*</p>

<p>This is the SAT requirement to be considered for Presidential Scholarship</p>

<p>
[quote]
Have at least a 1240 combined math and critical reading SAT score or 28 ACT composite score

[/quote]
</p>

<p>S1732, I'm so sorry. Certainly adds perspective.</p>

<p>I think the best of us worry about how hard to push our kids and when is "good enough" enough. S1 got a failing progess report in a tough AP class, and part of me thought "Well, he's reached his greatest potential"; however, part of me thought "He's not exactly busting his butt with homework, the slacker!" I told him he needed to start going for tutoring and, lo and behold, he makes a 100 on the next test. So, now I'm wondering, do I continue to push him to do things HE should be doing on his own to get the better grades, or let him just be himself and coast through with Bs in multiple classes? <em>sigh</em> No one said parenting is easy.</p>

<p>On a more practical note, what about some UK schools, like St Andrews, or Canadian schools like McGill, U of Toronto for your D? See up here, kids don't have to have resumes full of awards and intriguing essays. With few exceptions, no one asks about their ECs: just good grades and test scores about like your Ds (since few have to submit SAT scores at all the competition is different for them). See up here, kids tend to go to the university in their province as all are pretty good. With the lower tuition and the higher US dollar, it's a financial bargain too. </p>

<p>And your child will fit right in. You D sounds like just about every kid I know at the university I teach at. Not as in they are a bunch of slackers, but just normal everyday teens who haven't had to find a passion, build a resume, take AP classes or get coached in the SAT for years because of the hyper-competition in the states (more like how it was when you went to school). They get a great education and almost all go on to every occupation you know, including doctors, lawyers, leaders, teachers and nurses. </p>

<p>These aren't second-rate public schools, but highly ranked in the world. We are a big bi-country family and none of us has had any problem going from Canada to the US for employment or graduate school. </p>

<p>QS</a> Top Universities: Top 100 universities in the THE - QS World University Rankings 2007</p>

<p>My heart is absolutely broken for this child. I hope like hell that she has adults in her life that are able to explain to her that her mother that is deeply troubled. I do not know what the situation is with the OP but she has repeatedly shown a disconnect between reality and what she so firmly believes about her daughter. </p>

<p>And if the OP thinks that her daughter has no idea how much time the OP has put into degrading her, think again. </p>

<p>Once again, I sincerely hope that if the OP gets nothing else from this thread, it will be to get into counseling. Your daughter deserves at least that from you.</p>

<p>So many issues here.</p>

<p>I'll just say that I think your daughter probably belongs in college, given her intellect, even though you don't see her as driven in a particular academic direction. College is much more than trade school. It's a place to finish growing up and to explore many areas of study which will ultimately lead to either more school or a job. Give her a chance to mature and explore, surrounded by stimulating peers, good teachers and a place she likes. </p>

<p>And you do sound depressed. I agree with others that you are probably harming your child with your negativity. Maybe that's why she escapes to Facebook so much of the time. Please get some help.</p>

<p>To LC</p>

<p>From 2004, posted by "Blossom" this is by far the bst piece of advice I have ever seen on CC, bar none. Especially good, I think, for parents who may be disappointed in what thier kids are, or look like they will turn out to be. I've printed it out and my wife shares it with me every time I lament that my high school S may end up living in a box on the sidewalk. </p>

<p>I have only one piece of advice and I posted it last year but it bears repeating for the newbies..
Love the kid you have, not the one you wish you had.</p>

<p>It's easy to be proud of the varsity athlete who "relaxes" by composing for the viola, the kid who worked in a medical lab finding a cure for Parkinson's, the kid who taught himself German and Japanese for fun last summer.</p>

<p>The rest of us are stuck w/the kid on the sofa whose teacher's always talk about how much potential he'd have if only.... The kid who mopped floors at a fast food restaurant last summer because she missed the deadline for applying for a neat internship ('cause she was helping a friend with a boy problem and skipped her appoinment with the guidance counselor), and the kid who should be an all A student except he hates busywork so refuses to do half his homework.</p>

<p>Hard as it is... this is the kid you need to parent right now. I often practiced my adoring gaze pretending my kid was thanking me at the Nobel prize ceremony "I'd like to thank my mom who reminded me to take a pencil to the SAT's since I had completely forgotten to prepare or study, let alone pack a pencil and calculator and photo id". My other son would thank me at the Oscar's "and to Mom, who never gave up on me even when the principal wouldn't let me march in graduation since I'd skipped gym for two years and owed $200 in lost physics textbooks-- both the original and the replacement" .</p>

<p>For the parents of the Uberkids (and you know who you are)-- all the other advice is great. For the parents of the rest of the planet-- this is crunch time. Don't let your aggravation at wondering what might have been "if only he'd taken the SAT again; if only her Spanish teacher hadn't hated her attitude, if only he had an EC other than watching reruns of the Simpsons and Law and Order...." prevent you from being there for the kid on the sofa. Love your kid for what's in front of you and try to guide him/her through this next stage as best you can</p>

<p>Thanks, BAD. I hadn't seen the whole post before. Reminds me of when I cringed upon reading my son's application to a school, and he included a line from his favorite Garfield cartoon: "I never met a lasagne I didn't like." I didn't say anything, and he got in, so I guess they liked it!</p>

<p>I was (almost) the first to respond to this post, assuming it was a joke, then I deleted my response and decided to wait and see if it might be serious. Only on college confidential! This CC atmosphere was SO strange to me when I first found it. I know NOBODY like the folks here!</p>

<p>Edited to add; Now I'll go back and read some of the responses.</p>

<p>Hey, you guys do such a good job being me I feel like a failure IRL.</p>

<p>Seriously, I had just finished reading through this thread wondering how I might help the OP when you guys beat me to the punch. </p>

<p>Our kids surprise us. Sometimes we get one that finds his or her way early on in life, so we get to be the parents sitting on the bleachers or listening in the auditorium or watching the awards ceremony when they are young and still living under our roof, so we get to congratulate ourselves on such fine parenting. </p>

<p>Most of the time, they find their way much later. We have to hear about it third hand, "Your boss said what to you? And then gave you a raise?" or find out after the fact, "you got into which grad program? And how much money are you getting? when did you apply to grad school and why didn't you tell me?" or even not find out much at all, "What does it mean to make law review? it is a big deal?"</p>

<p>OP- you are really to be congratulated that you and your D have come this far after such a big loss. It is an accomplishment that your D is a kind, loving person- so often, a loss early in life makes one bitter and self absorbed. It is also an accomplishment that she hasn't taken all of the attention and focus and "enrichment opportunity" you've put in her path and decided to become a cocktail waitress like so many kids I know who felt burnt out from all those academic goodies thrust at them so early in life. Not to insult all the hard-working intellectual cocktail waitresses out there- and I know since I was one of you... but you catch my drift.</p>

<p>Your D sounds great. Your D will find something that ignites her interest down the road- probably not now, and most likely when she's moved out and is prepared to give someone else the credit (a mentor, a signficant other, a boss, a colleague at work....) So try to enjoy the little time you have left with her... and pat yourself on the back for having been a steadfast influence in her life during adolescence.</p>

<p>As far as I know, OP is not a troll. </p>

<p>Here's one thing that I hadn't thought about before, but there's certainly some separation anxiety involved with getting ready to send off a kid to college (and further into life). OP is just getting it a little earlier than some of us. (Summer after graduation was especially bad at our house. D could do no right!)</p>

<p>One thing that I might suggest to OP--starting today, just concentrate on always thinking in a positive way about your D, verbally comment positively to her about herself, look for the positive things she does as if she were in second grade again. I think your thoughts about her will change and her thoughts about herself could very well change as well.</p>

<p>In fact, I think I'll do that myself with my D, starting today. This senior year will pass so fast and she will be gone before you know it. Enjoy the time we have left.</p>

<p>Starbright, THANK YOU for the awesome suggestion; I actually stayed across the street (hotel) from McGill last year but assumed that the instruction was in French. A visit to their website reveals that is not the case. Of course, my d has taken four years of Spanish but even that has its story of, well, let me skip that other than to say how can someone sit through four years of Spanish and not be able to order a taco in a Mexican restaurant? And this includes a two week intensive course in Barcelona. Whatever.</p>

<p>I am thinking a fresh start in a new country really might be a great point of departure for my student. I have been wracking my brains over what to suggest to her that makes any SENSE. I feel like Mrs. Glass, the mother in Franny & Zooey, rattling around in her bathrobe, nattering on about Zooey and Seymour. </p>

<p>To those who insist that my child is going to be a walking basketcase because of my concern that she is average/normal/undistinguished and that I am some sort of Mommy Dearest/abusive/cruel figure, let me just say that I am articulating what many would never say and many will never see and while it may come across as harsh, I am very concerned about helping D find some sort of meaningful place in the world, a world that, at the moment, is calling loudly for kids with 2300 SATs; kids that are Varsity swimmers; kids who are starting businesses and grossing 20000K a month; kids who are completing an AA degree at the same time they graduate high school; kids whose family incomes are a thousand times that ours is; kids who for some reason are great in Math or great at debate or great at Chinese. I have an average kid. I am not a monster or insane: I have an average kid. And I know it.</p>

<p>
[quote]
I am very concerned about helping D find some sort of meaningful place in the world, a world that, at the moment, is calling loudly for kids with 2300 SATs; kids that are Varsity swimmers; kids who are starting businesses and grossing 20000K a month; kids who are completing an AA degree at the same time they graduate high school; kids whose family incomes are a thousand times that ours is; kids who for some reason are great in Math or great at debate or great at Chinese.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I can identify with this! But it is top colleges that may be calling for kids like this--definitely not the world. Average people find meaningful places in the world...they may, or may not, be running for president later in life or becoming Supreme Court justices. But they provide the world with teachers, nurses, businesswomen, mothers, lawyers, accountants, day care providers, etc.--the kind of people who make the world run on a daily basis.</p>

<p>I can feel your concern about your D's future. But I'd just worry about getting her into an appropriate college now. No need to borrow trouble yet...</p>

<p>She's not "average." She's a normal college-material, college-bound kid.</p>

<p>Normal. NOT average.</p>