MY CHILD IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS....not really but how do you deal?

Parents Forum
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<p>thanks, mythmom. And your last sentence is probably correct: happier for us. It's just that it's a shame that she is so controlled by unfinished business that she has to carefully circumscribe her world in that way. She may feel that it prevents a lot of re-wounding, but it seems to me it prevents a lot of potential happiness for her, as well. By contrast, I don't try to avoid her because I can't stand the thought of noticing areas in which she is better than me: heck, I celebrate those & openly admit my inferiority in those respects. I guess it depends on how big one's ego is -- or isn't, as the case may be.</p>

<p>The bottom line from all these posts, to me, is that we can't really control what drives other people to behave the way they do; we can only control how we express our reaction to it or how we manage these encounters. At times I have needed merely to avoid my sister for these reasons; maybe the OP needs to occasionally protect herself that way, too.</p>

<p>In the case I mentioned in my first post on this thread, the depth of the other party's unhappiness (the evidence that the misery emanted from her, not "caused" by me or my D) was illustrated by her sobbing when my D achieved an important (non-academic) award in a shared activity. (The Mom demanded the results from me.) The event had already passed when the mother learned about my D's award; nor was her own daughter present to hear the results, either. Yet this was such a personally involving event for her that she was 'destroyed' at the thought of my D getting the award. Had she thought her own D deserved it (and her d was in a diff. category, not competing directly), I would have thought she would have protested that her D deserved it also, or was equal to mine, etc. But no: rather, she proceeded to announce to me, one by one, that (and why) every other competitor deserved it more than my D. The point was, she was more focused on subordinating my D than elevating her own. (Or to her, that was one and the same.) I found this really sad.</p>

<p>While said Mom continued to deny the validity of the results (which included scoring), I looked her straight in the eye and said, "You can always file a formal protest with the judges; this is allowed by the protocol, and you might want to do that." She did shut up after that.</p>

<p>So back to the OP: Oh, the evil me. <big grin=""> I can imagine a comedy skit right now: the overly eager sibling (the OP, putting on best acting job), in a fit of exaggerated hype & with high voice, demanding of bro to have every eency weency detail of that child's accomplishment, SO THAT sis might write a publicity piece for the local paper. If it were I, I would physically come & play the part. Arrive in full energy, journalists's notepad in hand, gushing.(Now, if you think that bro is going to go public with FALSE information, I doubt that; so that might shut him up, too.)</big></p><big grin="">
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<p>
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Yet this was such a personally involving event for her that she was 'destroyed' at the thought of my D getting the award. Had she thought her own D deserved it (and her d was in a diff. category, not competing directly), I would have thought she would have protested that her D deserved it also, or was equal to mine, etc. But no: rather, she proceeded to announce to me, one by one, that (and why) every other competitor deserved it more than my D. The point was, she was more focused on subordinating my D than elevating her own. (Or to her, that was one and the same.) I found this really sad.

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<p>That is REALLY extreme. I don't know if I could have played it so cool.</p>

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<p>Yes, mstee. Agreed: it's extreme. You can see why I mentioned in the first post that this involved some psychiatric dynamics, i.m.o. So, while I can laugh now, I wasn't laughing (internally) at the time. I also found it alarming that she was so undone (& so obsessed) by another child that she apparently considered the chief "rival" of her d (or, symbolically so) that she would actually sob publicly about it. Even the supervisor of the event was alarmed. (He eventually heard about it, when it became An Issue during the continued subsequent 2-3 years of shared activity, as the mother proceeded to try to destroy us as a family on account of it.) I can't imagine crying because some competing student did well; clapping, yes. Crying, no.</p>

<p>Reminded me somewhat of the infamous Texas Cheerleader Mom, & her obsession. That mother was similarly way more focused on the competitor than on her own d, or so it seems.</p>

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<p>I would try citygirlsmom's approach first. I used to work with a difficult and annoying person (irronically he was a marketing manager) that most of my coworkers did not want to deal with. After taking a Dales Carnegie class, I was able to communicate with that person.</p>

<p>The OP in this case can easily declare war with the uncle. But I would try this only after exhausting all diplomatic methods. This is a delicate family issue. If the OP does not handle well, he/she may be misunderstood by other family members. </p>

<p>I also wonder, does this rivalry exist only between the OP and the uncle? or does it also exist between the OP's kid and the uncle's kid? If the two kids get along then I think things can be mended.</p>

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<p>Most often jealousy towards parents turns into intimidation of their kids. All we can do is to build the value system in our kids to understand the situation. I find it hard to swallow sarcastic remarks about my children. My children are able to handle the insinuating circumstances much better than I can. When situations arise we help each other to deal with them. In my family no one cared when we were faced with extreme difficulties for years. Now that my son has started working they want to know how much he makes. They are uneasy that we will get over our difficulties after all ....</p>

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<p>Epiphany, your situation sounds remarkably like what we went through and continue to go through with Zoosersister. A mother of a classmate who viewed my daughter as a competitor was the catalyst for a situtation that may now involve legal action (the bullying thread). The messed up part of it is that we never really knew the girl existed because we didn't see the competition. But you never know how much of their own self esteem someone has invested in their kids. What I find sad about the whole OP situation is that the OP probably loves her nephew dearly, takes pride is his acccomplishments and is rooting for his success just like any family member would.</p>

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<p>zm, that is so true, you want to be happy, but the other stuff people bring in, blech, that is why you say, wow, that is great....and then nada...acknowledge but don't engage....it is amazingly effective with some people and is not rude, of course, you may need to go further if the person persists and doesn't take a hint, but often, if they don't get any response or just a non commital, "good job", they will give up</p>

<p>The trick is to be consistent, and don't surreneder to the tempation to get in a you-know-what match the uncle seems to want...but to say, wow, you must be proud, you can be proud too, just don't engage in the answers or whatever other direction the conversation is led to...</p>

<p>you can't expect the uncle to change, all you can do is how you react at this point, I am SURE the rest of the family "understands" him the same way the OP does....</p>

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<p>Epiphany - WOW!! That is awful and you are right it's very sad.</p>

<p>Zooser - I think that you're right on when you say some people try to live through their kids. That's likely what bro is doing since (and I'm not going to go into specifics here regarding this topic!). </p>

<p>I really feel that my brother and his wife are way too involved in my nephew's life (I truly wouldn't dream of airing my son's dirty laundry to anyone - even family doesn't need to know when someone's had a bad day and messed up on something). There is a true lack of respect for my nephew on the part of his parents and I think nephew has no respect for them in return. I absolutely know that plays into some of his poor decisions.</p>

<p>I can't change my bro but I can control my own reactions - I will politely state that DS would prefer that we not discuss his statistics, I will praise my nephew and his accomplishments (and I really do love him - he's actually a pretty good kid who's made a few bad decisions along the way, IMO), and I will change the subject. Being consistent with that I'll hope my bro gets the point and moves on to greener pastures, topic-wise.</p>

<p>And, maybe I'll get lucky and nephew will go to another college and this will be a moot point as far as direct comparisons go!!</p>

<p>:o)</p>

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<p>Or wouldn't it be amazing if away from jaundiced eye of your brother the boys got to be friends and defeated his evil plans? </p>

<p>Families, I think, make us all very sensitive because we all need to belong.</p>

<p>Epiphany and zoosermom: those stories are awful, and I agree with epiphany, pathological. D has been the target of jealousy, but not to that extent. Although a former friend did resort to lies to try and prevent D from gettikng into the college she did. I can't imagine being that eaten by jealousy.</p>

<p>I agree with epiphany: people's talents are so different that there's always something to admire and celebrate in someone else. Taking joy in others' successes gets to be a habit that brings so much joy into our lives. Feeling diminished by others' successes is a bottomless, painful downward spiral. It's so sad that so many of us on this thread have been victmized by those feelings, but it's heartwarming that so many expressed the opposite sentiments.</p>

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<p>Beautiful posts on this page. Can't even add to 'em.</p>

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<p>but good threads don't die...</p>

<p>I was driving with friends and my soon-to-be-ex to a sporting event. Scores had just come out, and they talked incessantly about how great their DS did. Never once did they ask me about my child's performance, nor did I offer over the 5 hours. My ex- was ready to explode. He's the kind who would always make comparisons between kids. I didn't want to diminish my friends' joy. </p>

<p>The boys are each special in their own ways. My friends and I are still close. We share ups & downs of our lives, as well as the kids. NEVER have i regretted that I chose to keep my child's scores private, then or now.</p>