My CommonApp Essay - Does it stand out? (no need to proofread/only 500words)

Applying to College
1

<p>I'm wondering if this essay is effective? Here is my situation:</p>

<p>I've lived in France from age 7 to 16, and my cumulative GPA is low due to my 9th and 10th grade in France (2.91 weighted...classes in France are very difficult).
If you look at my Junior year in the USA though, I have a weighted 4.1 GPA and my senior year has been the same so far.
SAT: 1900
SAT II Literature: 640 French: 800</p>

<p>The person I am today has been influenced by my life and experiences in Europe. French Romanticist author Alphonse de Lamartine says ''There is no man more complete than one who has traveled a lot, who has changed twenty times the shape of his thoughts and his life'', and I can relate to this so much. I was born to a Palestinian father and an American mother; their culture grandly influenced me in becoming who I am. I was born in Athens, Greece, and after a few years in California and Saudi Arabia, my mother and I moved to Southern France. I earned a French education and became fluent in the French language. France became my ''homeland'', and my favorite place. The culture, literature, architecture, art, landscape and all else encompassed in the country, fascinates me. I traveled a lot throughout Europe, which enriched me in several ways. I discovered new cultures and people living in dramatically different circumstances. I discovered the various beauties of the world and how inspiring it is. I felt alive when I set foot on new territories: France, Germany, Austria, Slovenia, Croatia, Italy, Scotland, Saudi Arabia, Israel, they all amazed me. I fell in love with traveling and the pursuit of knowledge. These experiences had significant influence on my life. I wanted to be a cultivated person in order to make a difference in the future. In The Chosen, Chaim Potok writes ''a man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life'', and a life with meaning is what I desired to acquire. I focused on experiencing new things: trips to Paris, driving through Europe, participating in student protests for education reform, learning to play the piano, etc. Through this I felt I was mentally preparing myself for the future. I educated my spirit through the readings of European authors such as Sartre, Kant, Zola, Rousseau, Montesquieu, and Voltaire. They inspired me and influenced my vision of society, people, politics, and the world. My experiences in Europe made me view life in a philosophical way, seeing matters of the heart, mind, and soul. As Thomas Wolfe said, ''we are the sum of all the moments of our lives; all that is ours is in them: we cannot escape or conceal it"; the moments of my life spent in Europe entirely shaped me and couldn't have been more beneficial to my mind. We're all forced to make choices; I believe each bad one will eventually lead us to good ones. That belief has helped me maintain an optimist’s view. We must believe in our dreams and in ourselves. Most importantly we must live with the choices we make, and grow from them. My cultural background, educational experience, and my being bilingual, in addition to my international travels and experiences are significant assets that will help me bring diversity, maturity, and passion to my college career and help me towards success.</p>

2

<p>I didn’t read your essay but you should not be posting the txt for all to copy and plagarize.</p>

3

<p>Yes, at this last day before the deadline many ppl will be desperate for essays.
Hurry up and edit your post to delete the essay.</p>

<p>As for writing about cultural experiences, it is not uncommon. It will not make you stand out in a unique way, but you will leave an impression with the admissions officers.</p>

4

<p>Really not the best idea to put your essay out in the open like this.</p>

5

<p>I’d say it would be pretty easy to prove you wrote the essay if the details in it correspond only to your life.</p>

6

<p>Still… many people have lived outside the us for extended periods of time… I myself have done so.</p>

7

<p>I guess it’s too late to edit it; oh well.</p>

8

<p>In my completely honest opinion, does it stand out? Not particularly. But it is well written enough and only has minor grammatical errors which I doubt they’d notice, so it should be fine.</p>

9

<p>Thanks for your opinion! Hopefully it will be effective enough…</p>

10

<p>All you’ve said is that you grew up in France and experienced what is a pretty average European education and upbringing; you haven’t mentioned anything that most people haven’t done or read. As for the quotes… I cringed upon reading them, they’re not at all relevant to anything you’ve said - overall a very poor essay.</p>

11

<p>Unfortunately, it doesn’t stand out. Moreover, it could have been much more effective if you had better writing skills. The quotes could have fit better if you moved certain ideas around. The ideas are repetitive and could have been structured in a more seamless manner. Your word choice and sentence structure could have been much, much sharper. In short, you could have said everything in a more effective manner. Finally, as many readers have already pointed out, what you are saying isn’t that special. I wouldn’t call it bad- it’s okay, I guess.</p>

12

<p>Maybe change “…Lamartine says ''There…”
to "…Lamartine once said “There…”</p>

<p>Nothing wrong with the way you wrote it, I just think the revised version would sound better.</p>

13

<p>The only thing I would say-and I am no expert, but have just finished writing my own app essay- is that you have to make your experience come alive for the reader. What I mean is that you need to show more depth in your writing. My advice would be to pick one specific experience from youtr travels and write about that. You are unique in your past, so you should emphasize that. Right now, your essay sounds more like a fact sheet that lists everything about you (your likes and dislikes, hobbies, etc.) than a personal essay. The admission people will- or should- get all this information from your teacher or counselor recommendations. What you need to provide is a unique experience from your own life that tells about who you are through the way you react to the situation presented in this experience. I know this sounds confusing, but I am basically saying that you don’t need to list the ways that you are unique, as you have done here. Rather, if you write about one specific experience (For example, the first time you saw a particular painting in France, the first time your feet touched the soil of Israel, or the first time you felt the hot sun beating down on you in Saudi Arabia, the feeling of protesting along your fellow students, etc.), your personality and education will show themselves in how you reacted to this specific moment- and how you convey it to your reader. Make it as detailed and specific as you can- those are the essays that are remembered. </p>

<p>The admissions people recieve thousands of essays like this one every year. A list of accomplishments and facts about you. What would make this essay truly unique is just one of those experiences elaborated upon and explained in great detail.</p>

<p>I hope that none of this offends you, and I apologize if it has. Ignore my advice if you want, I am no expert. Good Luck!!!</p>

14

<p>A very poor essay…okay…oh well. Had to send it in last night, guess I shouldn’t keep my hopes up high for any good results…</p>

15

<p>I thought it was pretty good! My name is Nina too! :)</p>

16

<p>Thanks, I thought it was pretty good as well in the beginning :/</p>

17

<p>It really is good. Good luck!</p>

18

<p>I fell asleep 4 times reading this. I just woke up after getting 13 hours of sleep.</p>

19

<p>Had you fleshed out any of the below, the essay would have been fine. As it is, this essay is nothing but grandeloquent statements that tell the reader nothing about you other than you’re pretty good with the Bartlett’s Quotations. I wouldn’t encourage anyone to steal this essay.</p>

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<p>And could you have a more cliched conclusion?

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20

<p>Wow, thank you very much. I personally believe the essay says a lot about me, what I experienced, and what I believe in. I guess I shouldn’t have posted here if it was to be insulted…</p>