My dad doesn’t want to let be an adult

I’m currently 17 but may of next year. I’ll turn 18. My dad is forcing me to go to the college of his choice. He doesn’t want me to go to the college of my dreams just because he wants to control every decision I make. He doesn’t let me go out at all, have a job, or even have friends of my liking. If I don’t do everything he wants, he makes me feel horrible and humiliates me or anyone who disagrees with him. He is ignorant and rude. He also doesn’t talk to me or check on me, but when it’s time for me to make a decision, he calls me ungrateful.

First of all, I’m sorry you are going through that. It sounds very difficult indeed. To better help with advice, can you tell us why he wants his school over your choice? Is it cost? Distance from home? Prestige? Something else?

Perhaps there is a way to compromise here.

Sorry you have such a difficult relationship with your father. But for better or worse if your father is paying for college then your best course of action is probably to go to the college he wants you to attend (perhaps cost is a reason for his choice?) and work toward a career that will allow you to reach financial independence upon college graduation. Once you can support yourself you can make your own choices.

In addition, either now (if your father will pay) or else once you are in college (when it is free) I’d suggest you go to the counseling office and see if a professional there can give you some tools to help you develop a healthier relationship with your father.

The reason he doesn’t want me to go is that he wants to be able to control everything I do. He wants me to become an engineer, and that’s not my passion. Thankfully I’m able to pay for 80% of my college with scholarships. I also start college in august 2021, and I turn on 18 May 2021, so I’m planning on getting a job to move out and pay for my college.

If you can pay for school with scholarships and a job/loans, then that’s great! All the better to be able to move out and make your own decisions.

Where is it that you want to go, and where is it that he wants you to go? Would you be living at home for either or both schools? Do you need him to file the FAFSA to be able to get the scholarships about which you spoke?

Make sure you fully understand all of the costs associated with living on your own; you will need to earn enough to pay for school (less scholarships), rent, food utilities, insurance, transportation, etc. for 12 months out of the year. It is likely you will need to work for a year or two to save enough to pay ahead, unless you have a savings account in your name. You can only borrow $5.5k/year (freshman year) without a co-signer. Will your school allow you to defer admission/scholarship if you don’t have enough$? We don’t know your father, but we’ve all been around enough to know if your relationship with your father is not good, he may not co-sign a loan or cooperate for FAFSA (to get FA, student loan, etc). It can be done (work and pay for school yourself), but it is not easy, been there/done that. Try to find out what the homework load is like for your school/major of choice. Will there be enough time to work 1-2 jobs, take 30 credit hours and do well enough to keep your scholarship? What happens if your grades drop? There is a lot to think about and consider; the path of doing it as an independent is a difficult one. Are you up for the challenge?

We need more background.
Can you tell us more about the college of his choice? State U? LAC? Nearby to your home? Bible college?

Can you tell us more about the college of your choice? Private? Full pay? How selective? How far away?

Not every kid gets into their dream school. Not every kid can afford their dream school.

It is hard when you are 17…you are the oldest and most mature that you have ever been. But the adults here know you have room to grow. We know it is hard/unaffordable to do it on your own.I am not saying that your father isn’t disordered…and you should make plans to get out of under his control.

Yes, when you are 18 you can do whatever you want. But then you might be completely on your own. Having to pay for school, a place to stay, food, transportation, your phone, insurance, etc. That is tough.

One way to look at it is this is a job. Your “job” is going to the school he will pay for, and your “payment” is your father paying for that school. Once you graduate, you can get a job and move wherever you want. When at school find ways to make and save money. Try to get summer jobs not near home. Work over Winter break. Try to minimize the time you are at home. Go visit Grandma at spring break.

Senior or junior? Have you been accepted to any of these colleges yet?

Are we supposed to assume this is rolling admissions and you already got some financial aid award? It seems early for that to be set. There’s still paperwork due. Unless you mean some state program that underwrites a chunk of the costs for qualified kids.

The test of maturity is not chronological age. It often is how one approaches challenges and conflict.