My Daughter Hates Boarding School

Day 5 of my daughter’s first year of boarding school and I’m getting 2-5 text messages a day. “Come get me” “I hate it here” “why would you think that I would like it here?” She wasn’t really excited about going in the first place, but said she would give it a try for a year. Her Dad graduated from the same school and she has visited the school on different fun occasions prior to applying. I know it’s still early but it really is breaking my heart. I feel awful hearing her so upset. She basically hates my husband & I right now. She is so missing her group of friends. I’m praying that things get better for her VERY soon.

Just wait it out. I know that’s hard to hear but coming from somebody who has gone through what your daughter is going through and witnessed it firsthand with countless others, it gets better.

No new student is going to be ckoletelt comfortable and content with their new environment after a mere 5 days. Most people will begin to adjust to the new schedules, routines, etc. after about a month or two. As I can only give you advice from what I have experienced and seen others go through, I can’t imagine how hard it must be for a mother. Just remember, almost every single student at a boarding school has probably felt a few of the same emotions your daughter is working through and feeing right now. I have seen many students at school who stay for 2 weeks, say that they aren’t happy, and then leave. I would argue that there has got to be an adjustment period that is longer than 2 weeks!

It is totally understandable that your kid is feeling the way that they are right now, but just remember that it will pass. Do not be hard on yourself, or your child. I personally know that for me and many other kids who have gone through homesickness and a rough adjustment period, talking on the phone every day makes things so so so much harder. Most kids will periodically text their parents a few times a week and then have a set 1 or 2 days when they will call to just talk and check in.

Your daughter is going to start a regular routine, get into her classes, have fun in sports and activities, and make lots of amazing new friends. Give her the time and space to do so.

Overall, don’t be too hard on yourself or your daughter. Give her some space and time to adjust. These feelings will pass. Give it another month or 2 at school to see how she settles into her new life and routine and then you can re- evaluate but don’t consider pulling her out before she even started. Take a deep breath- It is going to be ok. If you have any questions feels free to pm me and please give us updates on the situation! Best of luck to you and your family:)

My heart breaks for you! I know how it feels when your child is unhappy. If you feel like you need to do something, reach out to the dorm parent, advisor, etc. and ask if they can keep an eye out for her and help in any way. IME, adults who choose to work at BS happily take on this type of task.

It is early, and odds are excellent that this will turn out fine. Good luck to all of you.

No one has a seamless entry. No one. Definitely reach out to her advisor and read this thread: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1689420-first-year-reflections-p1.html

All the best and hang in there!

We had some of this too: I would just say something like: “you have to give it a fair chance. We decided to give it a year. If you dont like it when its time to renew the contract (generally April) then you dont have to return in the Fall.” End of story.

Sent you a PM.

I’m so sorry to read your post. I’m fortunate in that so far my daughters are loving their boarding school. Do you have the opportunity to communicate with your daughters advisor? Dorm supervisors etc. ? She may need help socially.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. It’s tough to be on the parental end of those communications.

While not exactly the same as your daughter’s situation, this thread has a lot of discussion of similar issues:

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1879349-getting-very-mixed-signals-from-homesick-kid-p1.html

Give her an adjustment period, without calling it that.

I had the same experience. My daughter texted me 14 times a day and I called the school and said shouldn’t they limit her access to technology and help her integrate. They said they don’t regulate that kind of thing; it’s up to the kids to learn coping mechanisms on their own. My husband wouldn’t allow me to pick her up from school and said that she can transfer (back home) if she is still unhappy at spring break. The BS spring break dates were different from her previous school, so when she came home, she attended her old school. After that experience she said, “it’s no use, it’s a double edged sword. I don’t want to go back to BS but I’ve outgrown my old school.” By the end of the year, she decided to stay with BS and by August she was really looking forward to seeing all her friends, decorating her room and new classes. (She’s a junior in college now, and that transition was a breeze.)

At Choate, they don’t let freshmen leave campus the first weekend, to help them assimilate into the community. I had such pangs of guilt when my freshman told me she cried herself to sleep the first night. I envisioned all kinds of feelings of abandonment. But kids are resilient. Fast forward. Dear Student is attending college on the other coast and thriving. All they need are a couple good friends which will come in due time. Encourage her to stick it out saying anything worthwhile may be difficult in the beginning.

I cried myself to sleep the first couple of nights (mostly becuase I was literally whisked away and put in boarding school (I applied late, was waitlisted, and then got in, 3 weeks after I had already started classes at my local school, and my parents had booked a family trip to Hawaii with 1st class seats (hey, that’s important when you are 14)).

But I got to love it, and have sent (or will send) all of my daughter’s to boarding schools with no fears.

@seasidemomx2 Are things better now?

bump

If you click on the username, you can see that she has not logged in since she made the original post, so I don’t think an answer is coming.