<p>We don’t have the best relationship due to other issues, and this has only compounded that situation. I don’t blame her for preferring to keep her distance; I’ve said and done hurtful things to her and she feels the need to protect herself. She prefers the distance. </p>
<p>Oh boy. It is never too late to repair a mother daughter relationship. Never. Letting her know you care is the first step. Aknoqledging hurt feelings is the second. </p>
<p>Okay… but that is not going to help fix this issue. SOMEONE needs to take her to see colleges before she makes another choice if she is going to transfer.</p>
<p>Anyone who claims to be a perfect mother is a liar. Anyone who thinks they are a perfect daughter is even more messed up. We are all flawed. We all have regrets. What matters is how you both choose to handle the situation at hand. </p>
<p>Your D is going to need to know that she has options if she is going to make it through till May. My own opinion is that if in May she still feels the same way, you should let her transfer to another school you can afford. 4 years is a long time to be unhappy and life is simply too short. Give her budgetary parameters and let her handle all the paperwork.</p>
<p>I know she’s been going on tours places where she knows people; she has a car on campus and a job to pay for the upkeep and has been going to different schools on her own. She asked if I wanted to come with her to Simmons, so that’s something</p>
<p>She asked and you said, " I’d love to! I want you to be happy. You’ve worked so hard and I’m so very proud of you . Now let’s go take a hard cold look at these others schools and see what ypu think. You education is very important to me." </p>
<p>In the mean time she still needs a solid plan for next semester. Like a class at MHC or smith. Push for that. Women’s colleges are a unique animal. With some women’s college time under her belt she may be better equipped to realistically evaluate Simmons.</p>
<p>I’ll keep pushing it! It is something she was interested in anyway, so she’s been very on top of meeting with the proper advisors and peer mentors who can help her with registration</p>
<p>Ok here’s a tatic. Has she considered pursuing a 5 college certificate (like a minor) ? She is a unigue position to take advantage of some of top programs in field of LGBT studies at some of the tip top colleges in the nation. </p>
<p><a href=“https://www.fivecolleges.edu/queerstudies/certificate”>https://www.fivecolleges.edu/queerstudies/certificate</a></p>
<p>If we decide to let her transfer, would it be reasonable to say that she has to stay there? My husband wants a signed contract stating that she’ll stay there, but I’m not sure that’s reasonable. </p>
<p>No that’s not reasonable. Limiting what you will financially and emotionally contribute is reasonable. </p>
<p>She has choices, one of which is to stay put at cost you can support. Anther is to invetigate other school for accede mic and economic feasibility. </p>
<p>To me signing a contract smells like punishment. Transferring is not failure. She should not be made to feel guilty because she doesn’t like umas. </p>
<p>The first semester of college sucks for a lot kids. Tell your husband to sign a contract that he’ll just listen for next two months ang refrain from making demands until your daughter has a chance to get her bearings. </p>
<p>Op- hugs. </p>
<p>I think even if your relationship is somewhat rocky, you guys need to find time for a face to face discussion (or you driving the car with her next to you or taking a walk in the woods) where you communicate the following:
1- Your goal is for her to get a college education without saddling her (or you) with massive debt which hampers her lifestyle for the next 20 years.
2- You also want her to have a successful college experience- socially, intellectually, etc.
3- You stand behind her 100% in helping her to achieve those things.
4- She needs to develop a plan and then come to you for help (if she needs it) in executing the plan.</p>
<p>I think your geographic restrictions are complicating things- unless she needs to be close to her oncologist (god forbid), drawing an arbitrary line is crazy. If you lived in Illinois, your D could be at your State flagship and be hundreds of miles from home. You live in the Northeast where the states are small- what’s wrong with NY, NJ, Penn, etc? That opens up hundreds of colleges, some of whom may in fact, be willing to bridge the gap between your need based aid and the costs.</p>
<p>I think your job is to be transparent about the financials- “We can afford to pay X every year”; and to fill out the financial aid forms on time. Then her job is to figure out a transfer plan, or a way to make U Mass closer to what she wants.</p>
<p>A contract? Sure- fire way to further alienate her. Did you sign a contract at your job which states “even if I’m miserable I’m going to stay here for three years?” I doubt it- and if you did, no court would enforce it. You might have signed a contract which says “if I leave before the first year I forfeit my sign on bonus or pay back a portion of the relocation costs you paid” which is a very different animal.</p>
<p>I would be shocked if your D couldn’t find a college which you guys can afford. It may mean leaving Massachusetts; it may mean compromising on other things. Or kicking the tires on these other schools may help your D get creative in making new friends and getting involved right where she is.</p>
<p>But communicating that somehow she’s a screw up for not loving a school she never visited isn’t the way to go IMHO.</p>
<p>What are her academic interests and what exactly is your out-of-pocket funding limit? do you know what you are eligible for in need-based aid at a school which meets full need? The posters here can probably help with a list of affordable options. And please post your D’s stats just to help us calibrate…</p>
<p>I’m a little confused about the finances. That being said…even IF finances are the main reason for UMass, if the student truly hates it there, I don’t see the point in staying there, there is much to be said for liking the place where you go to college…for feeling at home there, for wanting to be there.</p>
<p>I live in New England, and Blossom is correct. There are many colleges within a 2-3 hour drive of the NE states…in other states. </p>
<p>I think the imoortant thing to remember is that this is the DAUGHTER’S college education. It appears that the parent loves UMASS. The daughter does not.</p>
<p>I would be supportive in your daughter’s hunt for a place where she can transfer. </p>
<p>Could it be her dorm situation? I am assuming that since she received several scholarships she is a good student and would potentially qualify for honors housing if it exists at UMass. Other than honors housing there are other types of living and learning groupings for dorms which may be a better fit. </p>
<p>She had other offers of admission to colleges which were her top choices. She might want to contact the admissions department of those colleges and explain what happened with your requirement that she enroll at UMass before she even received their offer. Then she can ask if they would still honor their financial aid offer and could she transfer this spring or next fall. Then she should visit those colleges and ask lots of questions and sit in on classes, and see what everyone is doing on the weekend, and all those things</p>
<p>As she’s now visited Smith, if she liked it and wants to apply, they generally have good financial aid especially for local students - just what I’ve heard and I’m sure someone will correct this if my understanding is wrong.</p>
<p>Support her and help her in any way you can. Hopefully she’ll be able to find a good affordable choice which won’t require loans beyond the usual student loans. Let her know about these forums so she can ask questions and learn more about her options too.</p>
<p>Lots of good suggestions here.
I too would be supportive in your daughter’s desire to transfer. </p>
<p>Let’s assume cost is the driving factor keeping her at UMASS. UMASS list price in-state is $24,500 for tuition room and board. Can you be a little flexible on the cost, that might allow a workable solution? </p>
<p>A couple of suggestions:
If it’s city life she misses, and it needs to be in the UMASS system for scholarship reasons, the obvious thing to do is to transfer to UMASS Boston or UMASS Lowell.
These are both less selective schools and may have fewer of the academic types. </p>
<p>If you can be a little flexible, and she wants more academic kids, some other state universities are not THAT expensive OOS.
University of Minnesota Twin Cities - $30K - about a 3 hour direct flight from Boston, right in the city.<br>
SUNY Albany - $32K
SUNY Buffalo - $34K
Some of the CUNY schools like Hunter, Queens, and Brooklyn will come in right around the $30K mark depending on the private housing options chosen and what she spends on food. These are mostly commuter schools, but urban and there are a lot of good students saving money.
McGill in Montreal might be reasonable depending on what she intends to study.
UToronto is a very serious school, again, might be too much, but it depends. </p>
<p>All schools will have some aspect of partying but perhaps going to school in a city the “partying because there is nothing else to do” will be less of a problem. </p>
<p>I can’t help you with the Mother/Daugher dynamics, but I would presume that you at least WANT her to be happy. </p>
<p>"I don’t want her to transfer; I have another heading off next year and I don’t need both of them in private schools. "</p>
<p>This statement concerns me. Are you saying that you need her to keep her cost down so you can send your other kid to a private school? </p>
<p>In Response to the previous comment that:
“If it’s city life she misses, and it needs to be in the UMASS system for scholarship reasons, the obvious thing to do is to transfer to UMASS Boston or UMASS Lowell.
These are both less selective schools and may have fewer of the academic types.”</p>
<p>I wholeheartedly agree with the former, but not the latter part. UMASS Lowell is not less selective, in fact I have seen the admission standards at UMASS Lowell to become increasingly more stringent since my son was accepted in 2013 compared to my daughter applying this year. At the same time, it’s reputation has increased exponentially.</p>
<p>I would also think the transfer between the two schools would be easier and very comparatively priced. On another note, UML paid co-op opportunities have doubled my son’s academic scholarship as a 1st semester sophomore - hard to find at most other public or private institutions. </p>