I have 17 year old twins that will be going to college in the Fall. My son is beyond excited and cannot wait. My daughter however, is the exact opposite. She finally found a small school that she really liked and after I paid the deposit she had a complete meltdown. She is afraid to go to college. This school is 6 hour away and my husband works in that state all the time. We have reassured her that we will be there if she needs us. I feel that the worse thing for her would to stay close. I am taking her for counselling next week. Anyone else going through this?
A meltdown isn’t too unusual over this. Does the school have accepted student days? Take her to those if at all possible – getting more comfortable on campus can help.
Can she do an overnight stay to see how she likes it? If so, it seems like a way to “compromise” to make sure it’s a fit and once she’s “put her toes in the water” she might be fine.
See what her counselors says. That person should be able to help your daughter formulate a plan as to how to be successful away from from home. Or it might be decided your daughter isn’t ready to go away yet.
I WOULD listen to her. I have a 17-year-old daughter who expressed concerns about her anxiety, and it turns out she DOES have issues. If we had ignored her and sent her off to college without counseling, it would have been a disaster. At this point, we’re not sure where she will go to school next year.
I’d keep it low-key…if she says anything, I’d say “who can blame you for being nervous? I would be too! My suggestion is go that one night for the accepted student thing…if you don’t like, we’ll make other plans.” Then you take the pressure off.
I just have to ask why you feel that “the worse thing for her would be to stay close”?
The majority of college aged kids in the US go to college pretty close to home. In other words, staying close is perfectly normal. While both my husband and I (many years ago) really wanted to go far away to college and have an adventure, and we both just assumed our son would want the same thing, he insisted he wanted to stay in state and not more than a few hours from home. So that’s what he did, and he is very, very happy (he is a freshman). I have no idea whether his happiness is remotely connected to his having stayed close to home, but I do think that feeling like he had some ownership of the college decision was crucial. We just followed his lead. So I don’t really see why it would be a problem to let your daughter decide what distance she is comfortable with, whether it stems from anxiety or maturity or just wanting to be able to come home on some weekends and do her laundry and chill out. Is there some other issue you are worrying about?
P.S. I do understand, BTW, that this may just be a passing worry and that the decision has already been made. But I still think that letting her make her own choice (even if that means deferring for a year, losing the deposit to go to a school that is closer, or making some extra preliminary visits to get her used to the campus) would be wise.
Kids are different. One of my sisters went to college an hour away and still lives just minutes from our hometown. Another sister went to college 2,000 miles away and still lives there. They’re very different people with very different personalities and yet both a successful in life.
Listen to your D-take her for counseling, see if she’ll stay on an overnight, but LISTEN to her. I feel that one of the worst things a parent can do is to force their kid into some mold they think is “necessary”. It almost never works out well.
My oldest D was extremely homesick the first year, and a little bit the second. I think the counselor idea is a good start. My D was halfway across the country. We solved the problem by my going out to spend Thanksgiving with her as she was so far she couldn’t come home since the travel is eight or nine hours. I had a more flexible schedule. I’ve done that since, actually. Maybe putting a plan in place where she could expect visits on a regular basis, at least the first year?
I’ve noticed that there are kids who know they want to stay close to home. I think that is also a perfectly acceptable option. We might be ready for them to branch out, but each kid has their own timeline.
I like Southern Hope’s advice. I would let her feel control. It IS scary. I sort of melted down at the prospect at her age and made some very poor choices. I agree the best way to take pressure off from you. I don’t have any other advice but just to say it sounds like you are doing the right things. Keep letting her know how your are still there. home is there, etc. I think being anxious is a pretty sane response really!
We talked about Plans B and C if my child didn’t like being so far from home after choosing a college 1000 miles away. Plan B was to transfer to a school still out of state but closer - say, within 5 hours driving distance. Plan C was to transfer to an instate school. I just wanted my child to know that this was an experiment (experience?) and it was okay if things didn’t quite go as expected. There was always a way out - at any time. I really needed my child to know she was never out of options.
I agree that if the child wants to stay close to home, that is acceptable. So is getting cold feet about going far away. Counseling is a good start.
Be sure to thank your daughter for expressing her feelings!! It is hugely important that she’s doing that. Not all kids do. I have personal experience with that, too. 
Does she tell you exactly what she is afraid of? Sometimes being able to identify the source of the fear is the first step to working on overcoming it.
If it were my kid I’d tell her that being afraid is legit- your parent telling you that your feeling is important can help give her courage to tackle all the change and the unknown (two things I don’t like, either).
It certainly was for my son. He specifically wanted a school close to home and chose one that was very well-suited for him.
Four years later, staying close to home no longer had any appeal. He moved to the opposite side of the country right after graduation and has been there ever since (almost 8 years now).
At 22, he was ready for a degree of independence and geographic separation that he wouldn’t have been comfortable with at 18. And that’s OK.
MaineLonghorn is right, sometimes our kids tell us what they think we want to hear. College is not a race. It may be that a deferral for a year is the right thing to do, or it may be that this is just a temporary panic. By all means she should visit the campus again and see what she thinks, but I really don’t think it will hurt her to stay closer to home if she’s feeling uncomfortable. Good luck in figuring out what she needs to do.
Has she always been this way or is this a new development?
The hardest thing is change and college is a big one!–her reaction might not have anything to do with worries about the school or the decision to go there. She may be excited to go (in her head) but the adrenaline kicks in.
EVERY time I’ve ever started something new-- college, an internship, a great job, a club (as a hobby for goodness sake! I mean I signed up for it!) I always get nervous. It’s just a physical reaction that I’ve learned to ignore. I know that if I keep going the nerves will fade as I get familiar with my environment. I’ve just learned to give myself some breathing room to adjust to new surroundings.
I agree with the majority here–it sometimes isn’t the best thing for a student to go away, especially reluctantly. Maybe she should explore the options for staying closer–often admissions are rolling at instate schools and she can probably still apply. Just considering doing so (or not) might help her get her feelings untangled, one way or the another.
I think putting things in perspective would help–6 hours away is doable despite what some think.
No, you don’t do it on a daily basis BUT…
“Honey, you can get up at 7 and be home for lunch.”
“You can leave at lunchtime and be home for dinner”.
“We can meet you half way and go shopping”.
Just sayin…it’s a mindset.
Does her school allow her to delay enrollment for a year? At least knowing that that is an option might relieve some of her immediate anxiety.
Thank you for all of your responses. She visited the school last week and loved it. I purposely didn’t go because I idn’t want her to feel pressure. She is so afraid of leaving me and I don’t want her to not go somewhere she really loves out of fear. Six hours is no big deal for me to bring her home or go see her. The airport is 6 miles from school. I agree that some kids need to be close but my instincts tell me she wants to not feel scared to go to this school. Her older sister is at a school 8 hours away and she sees that we let her come home when she wants. At the end of the day I guess it’s just hard to see my daughter so scared because in my heart I know she will be fine. Thanks again!