SO my daughter decided she wanted to go to college 3 hours away. She is an only child but had always said as long as I can remember that she wanted to go away to school. She is a very smart child, great student, received great scholarships and is a hard worker in school and out. Overall good kid but reality is hitting her hard right now and she is freaking out. She had a bad start as her roommate literally lasted less than 24 hrs and now she feels alone in her room, her suite mates aren’t clicking with her, she’s regretting her decision and has called me a few times now and is an emotional wreck!! We have put so much time, energy and preparation into this that I just can’t tell her to give up even though I have given her several options to choose from and I’ve suggested clubs, social events etc but she has a negative outlook on anything I suggest!!
Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated as I am a complete mess with this situation!
Big hug.
Step away from the phone. You and your D need to figure out the right level of communication (clearly, what you’ve got now is way too frequent and way too intense) and then you need to stick to it. A kid who is calling her parents for support is a kid who is NOT in the dorm lounge sharing popcorn with her dorm mates, and is NOT wandering the aisles of the activities fair looking for cool stuff to do and is NOT standing on line to get in to the lunchtime jazz concert.
The message to her is: Beginnings are rough and we know you can do this! If you’re feeling blue, reach out to the RA, go make an appointment at the counseling center. You will feel so much better in a few weeks. Can’t wait to talk on Friday- bye! Love you!
We all went to college when long distance calls were expensive, when we all shared a phone in the dorm, and most of my friends spoke with their parents once a week. I think it was WAY better than the current system. I’ve got friends who insist that their kid call once a day- and then they are a wreck because (choose one) the kid has no friends, the kid got a D on a quiz, the kids boots came from Amazon and they are the wrong size and cold weather is coming in 10 weeks, OMG, how is she going to get boots in 10 weeks?
It will get better. Set up a regular check in call a few times a week and remind her of her terrific coping skills. She will figure it out.
Don’t let her give up so quickly!! Ask her to visit the school’s advisors or whatever other resources are offered. It is a HUGE adjustment. It can take weeks or even a few months for everything to click. Your advice to her about clubs and social events is right on, and hopefully it will sink in to her soon. Reassure her that you know that, while it is a difficult adjustment, you think she can handle this, that she shouldn’t give up too easily. This is part of life, and it does go smoother for some than others, but we all get there sooner or later, right?
It happens a lot. Not mine. They never looked back. But I saw a lot of bawling, clinging, red eyed women there at the schools. Most of the time it works out over time.
Thanks so much blossom, it really helps hearing from someone else that what you’ve been thinking is ok. I appreciate the feedback!
Everything that Blossom said!
The transition can be hard for many many students. Your D is not alone but she needs to find her people, which takes time.
I would also back off from calls where she is able to wallow and ruminate. She needs to get out of her comfort zone and go to the lounge, join clubs, etc… The message should be “it takes time and you’ve got this!”.
I will also add, do not go visit and do not let her come home for at least a few weeks.
Don’t think I can post the link but google “Cornell freshman’s video on loneliness of college”.
OP- I’ve got a kid who hates transitions. Always has. The toddler who was bawling the last day of nursery school because moving two classrooms down the hall for the next year was too stressful- that sort of thing.
Freshman year of HS- ugh. Freshman year of college- OMG, it was the toddler years all over again. Everything was bad, everyone was either stuck up or mean, when I’d ask “maybe just go get a cup of coffee to clear your head” I’d hear about how awful the coffee in the cafeteria was. Or that the line for Starbucks was way too long.
So we rationed the calls. Did not want to hear the updates in real time. Made bland and encouraging comments like “gee that sounds challenging, I’ll bet you’ll figure it out” or “wow, that must have been really aggravating but I’m sure you’ve got a plan to fix it”.
Guess what? The calls stopped. We had to actually set up a “call at this time so we know you’re alive” which for many weeks ended up as a quick email instead. Somehow the stuck up kids were just shy before you got to know them. Somehow the mean kids weren’t mean- English just wasn’t their first language so their use of idioms wasn’t 100%. The scary professor turned into an inspiring mentor, and the nasty clerk in the registrars office became the ally who back-dated some important paperwork just to be kind.
Truly- colleges are filled with adults who really love to teach and inspire young people-- and she is going to meet them. Colleges are filled with young people who are curious and out of their comfort zone but are eager to meet people from down the hall or halfway around the world. And colleges have really cool stuff to do on weekends and at night- concerts and poetry readings and exhibits and athletic competitions and fundraisers for kids in need and debates between visiting scholars and political rallies.
She’ll get there. It is SO HARD listening to the sadness and the negative thinking- and then it turns around!!!
Thanks to all of you for the advice. I have pretty much told her all of the above but she of course doesn’t want to reason right now andt thinks she’s the only one to ever go thru this. She also has brought up possibly needing anxiety meds but we’ll make that a last resort hopefully. But yes, I know I need to leave the phone alone. She has everything she needs there…food , water, bed and bath so it’s not like she’s thrown out into the wild! Hopefully this too shall pass! momofsenior1, I will def check out that video! Thanks to all! It’s been a tough few days!
Thanks again blossom, def makes me feel better and hopefully her too eventually. Hopefully she’ll get a new roommate after the 2 week freeze that will click with her.
Agree 100% with Blossom. The fact that your D doesn’t have a roommate right now actually gives her more privacy to call you…she wouldn’t be doing that if someone was in the room! So try to limit that phone time. ( I know my D was using me as a “crutch” to walk to class…she would call me so that she wouldn’t have to smile or say hi to people.) Also, it sounds a little bit like a pattern…D vents, you give solutions, she turns them all down…so just break the cycle by changing your responses and being less available. She could invite the suitemates over if they ever need a little space, since she has some now. Hang in there !
Thank you TSO104. Just had short texts yesterday initiated by her and no phone call. She did tell me she talked to a girl who had gone thru the same roommate experience her freshmen year so I was glad to hear that. Her classes start this morning so I hope that will help. Right now her thing is she can’t eat. I tried to explain it’s just nerves but nope, she has the attitude of she’s the only person that this has ever happened to…please keep us in your prayers!!
One really helpful tip we got right at the beginning of having collegekids: you will hear all about the Bad Thing- right now it’s adjusting to college, but later it can be things like anxiety about school work, roommate or new friend issues, an ‘unfair’ teacher- whatever. And after the call you will fret about it for days, b/c there won’t be follow up and you don’t know that 15 minutes / 3 hours / the next morning it all resolved itself. Then, when you do finally talk again, and you ask about whatever the Bad Thing was, it is dismissed as being such a non-issue that it is barely remembered, and why are you making a big deal about it?!
So, the suggestion is that (once she is settled and there is sunshine in the world again), find a time to say that while you are always happy to be there for the rainy days, you also need to hear from her on the sunny ones for balance. That can be ‘hey, here’s the resolution’ or it can be ‘guess what! this small Good Thing happened’! It is really great to get that small Good Thing call 
Thanks so much collegemom3717!! Update…today she likes her 2 classes she went to and the professors and she had lunch with some girls she met…PROGRESS!!
Don’t worry. More than likely its going to get resolved on its own. Give her time and positive support.
Thanks Riversider! Trying to stay positive!
It’s tough when your baby is trying to make it on her own but you gotta be strong for her.
My daughter, a college senior, has been diagnosed with anxiety. But even with her, a week after she’s mentioned some crisis and I ask her about it, she always replies, “Oh, it turned out fine.” I’ve finally learned not to stress out when she calls to vent.
Thanks MaineLonghorn! I’m so glad I found this forum! Has eased my mind a lot!
I feel for you! S17 had a smooth transition, but I remember his best friend’s mom calling me in tears. He was miserable! He’s in Boston - it was hot, too loud, roommate wasn’t clicking. She would wake up in the morning to 3am texts asking to come home!! Fast forward 2 years…he didn’t even come home this summer! Loves it, great friends with roommate from freshman year. Sometimes it takes awhile!! Hang in there! Sounds like she’s already adjusting!