It’s really not unusual for her to feel this way. Most of D’s friends older friends were unhappy 1st semester but by end of second semester,quite happy and looking forward to fall. This break, most of D’s high school friends were also unhappy. These were kids who had already spent 2 years of high school attending mostly community college classes. Certainly well prepared for college but having a difficult time finding their niche in the large state schools they are attending. These schools do get better. Class sizes do shrink once you get into your major. Most kids find their place.
If she really can’t handle the idea of returning after this semester, well, then local community college is a good option as it’ll be difficult to transfer as a Sophomore to most campuses… particularly another state school. There are a few liberal arts schools that actually prefer Sophomore transfers but you guys will need to do a lot of research on which schools allow it and which rather you be a junior with all your GE’s done.
Since she is such a good student, could she take honors sections of some of those classes?
Does she just not like the school at all?
If she is transferring for next year to a private school and you have to cosign loans, I would make sure that the school is truly a better fit for her, not just a perceived “better” because it’s not the current school.
Maybe she is thinking she could take her gen eds at a CC and have smaller classes and be closer to home?
Sounds like you both could use some TLC - these kind of decisions are so stressful. Is she copping out and being entitled? It this just normal first year adjustment drama? Is this really just a bad fit and the sooner she moves on, the better for her? Has she really done her best (talked to a counselor, her advisor, others in her major who are farther advanced) to make it work for her? Without a ‘control kid,’ you will never know if you did the right thing. Be kind to yourself, first of all. It’s not so horrible to say ‘you are destined for misery.’ It’s not hugely kind and compassionate - but it’s not psychologically damaging if you otherwise have a close and healthy relationship for the most part. Its just the kind of thing that a frustrated parent at the end of her tether says. Apology and more on.
Our tactic was to tell our kids that if they stuck it out for a full year, we would fully support a decision to transfer. That would entail them taking time off, but we think a Gap Year to detox after a bad year is a good idea. They would then have plenty of time to think through what went wrong and why the next school is going to be different. For one, the complaints at winter break had disappeared by spring bread. Not so for everyone’s kid - I believe in our neighborhood the statistic is around 20% who transfer.
She wants to take her gen eds at the local CC, because the classes will be smaller and she’ll be able to escape the throngs of people everywhere she looks. She feels that it’s too big.
Also, we’re not that close, so the fact that she’s talking to me over her father means that she’s probably seriously considering it.
Going to a private high school, I expected her to go to a four year university. A community college does not provide a degree, is not as academically rigorous, and won’t provide the same transfer options.
As I stated earlier, a community college is a great option for a lot of people, including ivy grads at times. There are some who feel going to a private high school means not going to ANY state school, and i can see you disagree with drawing the line there.
If your daughter is truly have emotional issues that could affect her direly, it might be a good idea to take a deep breath and let her take a mental health break. There are many paths to getting to the same place. Time with the children, family becomes precious. Take it from one who has gone through college and growing up with a number of kids. Things like this that seem so earth shattering are not such a big deal. Hugs to you, as I know you are upset now, but do try to look at in perspective.
Most ccs do provide an AA degree, and I’ve never heard of people having trouble transferring from a cc. I did and have, really, never heard of someone wanting to transfer who couldn’t. I feel like it would be best to try to separate your disappointment from your dd’s needs.
On the other hand, sometimes it makes sense to change your mind and change your plans. Continuing to do something that isn’t working well for you just because you’re “committed” to it isn’t necessarily a good idea.
If your daughter became engaged to a young man and discovered later that he was irresponsible or unkind, would you want her to continue the relationship and marry him? Or would you want her to break her commitment and find a path in life that would be better for her?
The situation she’s in right now may not be so different from an unfortunate engagement.
I’d pull the opposite reaction on this…i think she’s so busy telling you how unhappy she is that she’s likely not sure of her true feelings. I’d embrace what she’s saying…i’d really listen and tell her that the transferring may well be a great idea…you will start looking at it now…and then start sending her materials from the CCs…sometimes, when resistance is gone, she can figure out how she really feels.
Right now, i think she feels without options…if you can embrace a possible change, i believe she will give the current university a second look…
I really don’t see the down side of letting your daughter go to a community college if she is miserable and planning to transfer anyway. Her mental health is worth more than anything else.
@Ellen94, it is hard to wrap our minds around our kids not following the path we expected, but it is critical for our well-being and theirs. Your daughter is clearly a smart, hard-working kid who has high standards for herself. For her to be considering a CC as a reasonable option, imagine how unhappy she must be.
You say you are not close, and you are saying things you regret. It sounds like she may be perceiving you as her opponent rather than a supporter. I often have to remind my kid that I am on her team, even when I am saying things she doesn’t want to hear. Perhaps a third party can help you and your daughter and your husband communicate around this issue. I would certainly encourage her to access mental health services on her campus. There probably are ways she can make her current school work for herself but if she is experiencing anxiety or depression it will be hard for her to take those steps.
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. I know that it’s disappointing for a parent when their children do not follow the path she expected them to follow. However, if you have been following the Parents forum for CC for the past few years, you know that things can be much worse than having an unhappy child leave a university and spend a semester at a CC.
Your D sounds like a very bright, hard-working young lady. If my daughter were this miserable after sticking it out for the first semester, I’d welcome her back home and support her plan to go to the CC for a semester and then transfer. From a practical point of view, you have a better chance of recouping this semester’s tuition if she leaves now. She can still achieve all of her goals, but the path might be different than the one you envisioned.
I think that if I paid for it, I should be able to tell her what to do for this semester. If someone had paid for my college, I certainly would have done whatever it toke to make it work. High school is over and she needs to grow up and learn to deal with it when things don’t go her way.
I completely agree with your view on this OP. She is in state, at the flagship, is doing fine academically and has had funds taken out on this. I think she may be isolated a little bit. What is her living situation? Her roommates like her? Does she have any friends in the area? A lot of this stuff stems from the above. Coming from a private high school, she may have been a little sheltered-(that is in no way a bad thing) and not used to some of the behavior that college students exhibit, I would really push her to get involved on campus or get more active in the dorms and try to put herself out there to meet people, is there anything Greek on campus?
She is involved in activities and has a group of five close friends that do everything together. She and her roommate get along well and go out together from time to time. Her school is very large-roughly twenty five thousand students-and she doesn’t like how crowded it feels at all times.
She does not want to get involved in Greek life, and from what I understand it isn’t necessarily that large on her campus anyway.
My friend’s daughter wanted to leave her OOS uni as soon as she got to orientation. Her parents convinced her to stick it out. She did not enjoy her first year but she did as her parents asked. By the end of the year, she had made two close friends that made a so-so situation bearable. Her sophomore year, she returned to find both of them had transferred to other schools.
She transferred to her in-state flagship junior year. She has friends from high school that attend, so the social life is great. But the classes are harder and it’s been a tough adjustment academically. In hindsight, she should have left ASAP when she knew her original choice was a mistake. At the time, her parents gave her the best advice they could for a daughter they loved, but it was the wrong advice.
You think she “needs to grow up and learn to deal with it when things don’t go her way.” You invested in private high school and now things aren’t going YOUR way. The most loving and close parents can’t always make the right call. I’m glad you’re listening to her, even though this isn’t easy.
How long have classes started, and when is the last date she can withdraw for a refund (or partial refund)? If there’s some wiggle room these first few days, you don’t want to be struggling if she’s mentally unable to handle it mid-way through. Being a college student who also suffers from anxiety issues, please listen to her and what she’s saying. Please, please, please.
One of the ways in which adults deal with things that don’t go their way is to learn to tolerate the situation, and this seems to be the option that you expect your daughter to choose.
But another way that adults deal with things that don’t go their way is to make changes in their lives so that they don’t have to tolerate a situation that they don’t like.
Four years ago, I was unhappy at my job, and I had been there long enough that I realized that the things I disliked about the job weren’t going to change. I looked around, and I found a different job that’s much more pleasant.
I get the idea that you would have preferred that I stay in my old job and learn to tolerate it. But why? Why would that be the better choice?
We’re just asking her to stay the year, we don’t want her coming home and having trouble transferring. Honestly, I’m hoping she starts to like it so I don’t have to cosign loans