Why do you have to co-sign loans right away? Can she finish the semester, come home for a year to attend the cc and start a new school her junior year?
You make it sound as though the only options are (1) staying where she is or (2) a private college that’s expensive enough so that loans would be needed.
And this may be true. I don’t know where you live or what your daughter is studying, so I don’t know what other options there might be.
But depending on her situation, she might have other choices. For example, if she’s planning to major in a subject that isn’t extremely popular, she might be just fine with doing the rest of her general education requirements at a community college, where she would be in smaller classes, and then going back to the state university for her final two years, when she would also be in smaller classes because there aren’t a lot of people in her major.
Another option might be a smaller college within your state system, where classes would not be so large. Often, it is quite easy to transfer within a state system, especially if you have good grades. She might be able to transfer to the CC now and transfer again to the smaller state college later on.
I think it is a reasonable request to ask her to finish the year. i am assuming you would lose the second semester tuition if she leaves mid term. I mean February is almost upon us and then spring break and then she finishes up in May. From her first semester grades she obviously can handle the work, so if she can hang in there for another few months then she has one full year behind her. But for the remaining 3 years I would let her do the choosing and support whatever decision she makes so long as it is a financial viable one.
How were her grades first semester? Does she have a fear of crowds or claustrophobia? (I totally understand her dislike of packed lecture halls. I have anxiety about going into crowded rooms or being pushed into the middle of a row–claustrophobic feeling. Going into a crowded church, theater, dining hall, etc.–and trying to find a seat while most others are already seated is one of my least favorite things in the world. Under my calm exterior, I’m panicking. Touching strangers? No thank you.) Even if she has this problem, it doesn’t sound like a reason to change colleges immediately. She should be able to tough it out until the end of the semester. Use strategies suggested above–arrive early, try to get seat close to front or at end of the row. Be patient, classes will likely thin out a little as the semester goes on. After she gets past those massive intro/required classes, most of her classes should get a lot smaller. Investigate programs at other schools, plan to transfer next year. OK for her to vent about dislike of massive lecture classes–millions of other students dislike them too. Just part of the reality at any big state u.
You should apologize for the “misery” comment. And she should forgive you. (Parents are only human, after all).
Maybe she just doesn’t like college. You know, community colleges offer some great options. She could go for an AA in ultrasound technology and she’d make more $$ than nurses make. Look it up.
Also, if she does have to stick out UMass, maybe she should arrive early and get an aisle seat in the center front row to help with the panic she feels in the overcrowded room. The touching strangers comment is concerning if she wants to be a nurse? They touch strangers all day long and deal with bodily fluids too!??!
She might be a kid who’d do better getting a job and taking some classes as opposed to the more traditional route.
(I am saying this as another mom of a potential UMass student who does not want to go there for the same reasons (too big, too spread out, too many classes with 200 kids). But it might be the most viable option, I don’t know yet.)
When OP posted about her daughter wanting to transfer in the fall, I read a few of her daughter’s post too (just came across them and could tell it was the daughter here on CC). Although the daughter did express her desire to transfer, she didn’t sound miserable, was active with some friends, was enjoying the classes. She sounded like she knew what she wanted.
Sorry to hear it still isn’t working, but did she try any of the suggestions made, like taking a class at one of the other colleges or taking classes that don’t have 300 kids in them? They exist. If she doesn’t like her big nutrition class, drop it an take another class. Did she figure out what she needs to do to transfer? Minimum number of credits or certain courses? Financial aid? If she did, and she has a plan, let her execute her plan. If she leaves UMass without a plan, she’ll probably be very disappointed when she finds out she can’t transfer or will lose credits or financial aid.
I didn’t know that she was on here, so that’s news to me!
She has to take nutrition for her major, same with anatomy. She’s taking one class at Amherst college, and seemed to like that. She’s in the process of getting her forms filled out and asking for recommendations.
Have to say I am very torn on this one. OTOH, it seems like you aren’t listening to how miserable she is. But, on the other hand, it seems like she is unwilling to accept that she may not be financially able to attend the kind of small, elite college she wants to go to. It also seems like she was not completely miserable, had friends, and did well. She might not be any happier at home going to CC and the courses from the State flagship are more likely to transfer to the new school. Plus, often the parents are the ones that get the misery and the rest of the time the kid is really OK.
However, you do need to be sure she is OK and really does need to leave. She needs to feel supported by you, but also to understand the parameters - you won’t cosign loans for the private unless she finishes up this year at state school.
Edited because I went back and read your other thread. I think you have to be very clear on the finances and what you are willing to pay for and/or sign for. If you cosign you are on the hook for the loans, along with her. You can be supportive, but not willing to do that. I would NOT cosign loans for my child to attend a school we couldn’t afford. You have to make her understand that this has nothing to so with you not supporting her, just with not being willing to go into debt or leave her with a huge amount of debt on graduation. There are smaller OOS publics that, will not cheap, are much less than an elite private (which assumes you don’t get financial aid). There may be smaller schools that will offer her a scholarship even as a transfer student. Many non-partiers end up happy at a big school; it just may take longer.
Good luck to her and to you all.
You are committed to her attending this college. She is NOT.
There is nothing wrong with a semester or two at the local community college. It will give your daughter the chance to gain some perspective on college, college classes and her future.
she needs to find out if it’s too late to enroll in the cc for the current semester. It might be.
In my opinion, holding your finances over her head is not a good idea ( not continuing to take out loans). To be honest, she will be saving you money by attending that CC.
Let her do it.
The state university system isn’t for everyone. I personally did not care much for my state university experience, and it is one of the top state Us in the country. You really can’t force your kids once they are young adults to do what you want them to do, and pushing too hard will only ruin your relationship in the long run (although it sounds like it isn’t so hot at the moment to start with). You seem to have a very black & white view of what can work and what won’t. Our kids often take paths that we would not have picked, though, and it is her life to live. I would encourage her to finish out the semester unless there is a risk to her mental or physical health to do so. Then, within cost parameters that you & her dad can cover, let her decide her move for next fall. It could be a year of CC, it could be a transfer.
I remember this one now. This is the daughter at UMass studying nursing. But the kid really doesn’t want to be at UMass, and really never wanted to be at UMass.
Time to regroup. Look at what your community college has to offer. Can she get a nursing degree there, and then comolete a BSN elsewhere? Does she want to continue to study nursing?
Are there other public universities in MA that offer nursing degrees?
If you have a budget on what you can and will spend per year for college, you need to share that with your daughter NOW.
Then regroup.
From your other threads…this was never your daughter’s top choice…even though it has an excellent nursing program.
She needs to explore transfer options that are within whatever budget you decide to set. That isn’t unreasonable…as long as you have been consistent in this budget talk, and it’s not just a smokescreen to prevent her from leaving a school she has never wanted to attend.
Everyone needs to take a step back and take their hand off the button. You guys seem to have escalated in a nano-second, and I think cooler heads need to weigh in here.
The options are NOT limited to stay at U Mass or co-sign loans you can’t afford. There are lots of other options, and as I remember your last threads, you did not do a very thorough job of exploring what those were because you were hellbent on her attending U Mass. Every state has nursing; there are academic options at a wide range of price points. Yes, some of them may be further from home than you would like, but Greyhound and Bolt bus will make sure you see her more than once a year.
I don’t know the answer here but I can predict the future- your D is not getting a nursing degree from U Mass. So either accept that now- and recognize that a perfectly good coping strategy is to change what isn’t working for you, or accept it later- possibly once her GPA has taken a nose dive which will reduce her affordable transfer options. But she ain’t going to make it through her current program based on the facts on the table, and the sooner you all come together as a family to map out affordable options, the sooner you can reduce the tension and hostility.
I am not surprised the kid is on CC. Per OP, the kid has been proactive through the whole process. Allow your kid to go to where she feels more comfortable as long as it is not detrimental to her safety.
You mentioned you and your husband did not go to college. Do allow your child to live through her experience, not you guys living it through her.
I hope your daughter does not have a strained relationship with her dad, because it sure would be a toxic environment, not to have support at home and having a miserable college experience.
I would hope you both would rather have a kid healthy in mind going to a community college than one who is mentally unstable in a 4 year college?
Use this time to repair what is broken in the relationship with your daughter. Before this can happen, you need to find some middle ground, navigate the gray areas, they are out there.
In your golden years, you want to be able to be in your rocking chair talking to your daughter about these crazy times when you were both so strong headed. Not rocking in your chair all by yourself wishing you had a daughter to talk to.
Good luck to you all.
http://www.free-4u.com/nursing/Massachusetts-Nursing-Schools.cfm
Look at this link. There are a number of public universities in Massachusetts that offer degrees in nursing. There are some community colleges which offer nursing as well.
I was under the impression that OP later in this thread accepted the fact that her D will transfer. I think at this point she just wants her to finish out the year at UMass. I think that is reasonable.
some schools are small but won’t break your pocket. A friend of my D is planning to attend Shepherd University WV for nursing. 16k tuition. I am kinda concerned about the ‘touching’ comment though. I’m in health care and had a schoolmate who had to leave school senior year, not because of academics, but clinical issues; he couldn’t actually “touch” patients. Not sure where he went, but there were at least 3 years of school fees gone to waste
My suggestions, FWTW: Apologize sincerely for what you said to her, and for pushing her into a situation that wasn’t her choice. Call the school tomorrow so you are aware of what all the financial implications of withdrawal are. Get together with her over the weekend, and just listen. Don’t offer opinions. Listen. Then let her withdraw, no questions asked, no demands made.
Most parents want their children to thrive. It is amazing that she did so well first semester under such difficult circumstances. She obviously is enormously talented. She deserves to go where she will thrive, and that may involve a brief stop at cc first, which would be fine.
Her issue was that she’s squished on each side and she doesn’t have enough space to focus
If she can’t focus, she is going to have trouble with the classes…or simply stop,attending them…so she doesn’t get squished.
If this is really an issue, she could have some kind of anxiety or sensory issues. This should be resolved as well.
Do you really want you daughter to continue to attend all of these classes in which she is feeling very uncomfortable, regardless of the reason?
Let her switch schools. A semester at the CC could give her the confidence to continue elsewhere. And it will give her time to get to the bottom of the discomfort she feels in these large classes.
She just doesn’t like it and I don’t think anything you do is going to make her like it. If she wants to come home now, she should. She’s too late for CC this semester, and with just one semester of credits some schools won’t take her in the fall so she’ll need to figure it out.
I think it is the wrong decision, but it should be hers. Let her withdraw, come home and work, and arrange the financial aid for her next step. Set the line on what you sign or won’t sign (don’t agree to sign just because she’s withdrawing). If what you’ll agree to sign is less than what she needs, that’s something she’ll have to figure out.
You know, I’ve been very shocked by how many of my girls’ friends have left school during or after the first semester. I just didn’t think it was such a widespread problem, but it is. DD#2 has had a high school classmate and her best friend already leave during the semester, and before she even got back the boy across the hall. Two she knew from h.s. who went to this school left after 1 year. A friend from grad school didn’t go to her first choice of schools (private, very expensive) but already withdrew from the state school she picked.
Your daughter appears to understand all the ramifications of leaving - money lost, credits lost, friends getting ahead of her in school. Let it be her choice. Your position has to be that you have $x and that’s it. Don’t let her bully you into signing loans, and don’t feel guilty because you can’t pay for that college. You gave her an affordable option, she doesn’t want it, so let her cut her own path.