My daughter is a senior in H.S. She is extremely bright and motivated and has worked so hard in school from day one. She applied for colleges and has been accepted to all that she applied to including her dream school that she has been talking about since her freshman year. All of a sudden, 2 weeks ago she had a complete meltdown and now doesn’t know what she wants to do, where she wants to go or if she wants to stay close to home. She has less than a week to make a decision, and all she’s doing is lying in her bed or crying all day. We’ve talked endlessly over the last 2 weeks and she has even gone to visit the “dream school”.
I am so afraid she’s about to make the biggest mistake of her life and not making a choice at all. I feel she has worked way to hard to give up the opportunity to experience college and all it has to offer.
I’ve told her that she does not have to go away if she really doesn’t want to, but I think that would be a huge mistake (didn’t tell her that part). I don’t want to force her to choose, but time is running out.
Tell her she can change her mind over the summer, and she should accept now even if it is tentative. I have been present on move in day when a kid with depression or anxiety said they could not do it, and the school let them come the next year. She can also try it and take a leave or transfer. In other words, make it clear that this can be tentative.
I think college should not be such a cliff to fall off of. It should be a gentle slope. Anything you can do to help make it so, is important, including more visits now and over the summer.
Hugs to you and your daughter! I think it is an overwhelming time for both parents and students. Honestly there is some positive that she opened up about her fears and anxiety so you can talk about it with her. For most students, choosing a college is the most important decision to date. When she’s in a calmer place, maybe start talking about what she’s worried about. I bet it’s what 99% of other seniors are worried about - will she be homesick? fit in? be able to keep up with work load? what if she wants to transfer majors? These are all easily addressable if she can verbalize what is on her mind. If it’s homesickness - set up FaceTime dates, go through the school calendar and see when she has breast, commit to going to parents’ weekend, etc… Fit? Everyone worries about that but that’s what freshman orientation is for! Workload? Remind her of all the resources available for help and tutoring each school has now. Schools want kids to succeed too! Changing majors? Happens to like 1/2 of students (don’t know the real stat but it’s high) and that you’ll support her. Most importantly, remind her that she will be successful wherever she goes to school and there is no wrong decision. Where she feels the most comfortable is where she will shine.
As an aside my daughter had a bit of a breakdown last week, well after committing. She admitted to me how happy that her school is going to be within an easy drive of our new home (under 3 hours). Originally it was going to be 11 hours away but we are moving (unrelated to her schooling). My daughter is usually a super stoic, very analytical type kid who doesn’t get frazzled by much. She totally took me by surprise.
As much as this is a big adjustment for kids, it’s a big adjustment for them too, no matter how excited they are about starting the next chapter.
Sounds like she may be having a sudden crash of confidence now that she is faced with the reality of making the final choice. Once she makes the choice, all of the other realities come into play, including a big one, actually having a timeline for leaving home. This choice is overwhelming her.
Her reaction is pretty strong. You might want to consider taking her for a mental health screening/safety evaluation, to make sure that she isn’t having a mental health crisis that just happens to coincide with this big decision.
She is obviously under a lot of stress. In an ideal world there would be no time constraints…but in reality there is a week, and the time crunch may be what is setting off a panic mode.
You have been supporting her all along and it sounds like you have a close relationship. But at this time of transition, is there someone else she trusts who can help (relative, family friend, etc) to help? Has she ever seen a counselor who could now be called upon?
Sometimes embracing the dream brings anxiety…because we know that it can’t possibly live up to all we have built it up to be in our minds. Or maybe she is afraid to disappoint you if she wants to change her decision and go somewhere less challenging? Is she simply not ready, and would rather take a bit of time (gap year, summer plan, etc)? I guess this all boild down to the same question: Can someone help her to verbalize what she is feeling?
My eldest deals with anxiety. She gets afraid and it’s debilitating. Her fear is always over perceived potential failure and somehow letting everyone down (and we’ve been work in this since toddlerhood.) I discovered early that a firm figurative hand on her back not allowing her to go backwards is necessary and if we help her push through the fear that she will then thrive and be happy for it. Sometimes, she just needs someone to narrow the choices or force a decision. The college admissions process was a nightmare for her and I felt like we dragged her through it. However, she graduates college in a couple weeks and doing fantastic. She’s had a few meltdowns in college but she sought help on her own and has overcome. She hasn’t had a melt at all the last year (study abroad and meeting amazing kids who aren’t hung up on what is “supposed to be” was a game changer for her.)
Long way of saying, you might consider taking charge a bit. Sit down, announce that you guys are going to sit at the table for 1 hour and whittle down to two schools. Once they are cut they are cut. The next day You will make pro and con lists for the last two. If a decision can’t be made she will flip a coin and that is that. Yes, this is her decision but it’s likely a decision between a bunch of good choices and that she’s going to thrive at any of them. If it’s really bad and she can’t go in fall, you are out a deposit but she can take a gap year and work on the anxiety.
I know not everyone would go for a more forceful approach but it’s what worked for my eldest. She just needed someone to help her break through the anxiety loop.
If you haven’t already done so, try a series (maybe 5) “what if” questions. As soon as she sees that there are acceptable answers to the questions, it may help her think more rationally and less emotionally. And have her breathe. Literally. A little yoga would do her some good too.
Things to think about:
Has she had signs of anxiety before? Or is this just a deciding crisis?
Should she be evaluated for anxiety by a doctor? It will only get worse in college as everything is new.
Trouble making decisions is definitely a sign of anxiety… when my DD who has anxiety had an affordable, clear favorite I suggested she apply ED so she wouldn’t have to make a decision. She did and that was great and she is a junior now.
If you read CC, you will read stories about people with anxiety who ended up dropping out. I would set her up for success. With my DD we (her and us parents) thought her being 1-2 hours from home would be ideal as we could support her as necessary. Her independent sister was 4 hours away because that was what she wanted.
Ask her “What would you do if you weren’t afraid”
Help her eliminate some of the choices…use distance or cost or something so she has less to choose from.
Let her know that prestige is not the most important factor…her feeling comfortable and being able to get through college is.
^^^This.
She’s very bright and motivated, as you said. She belongs in the college she worked so hard for. This is a major life inflection point. It’s normal for anyone to feel anxiety, and especially expected for someone prone to it.
I am not a big fan of saying “Try it, and you can come home if you don’t like it.” That gives her license to not jump in with both feet. It leaves her to constantly evaluate, “Should I stay or should I go” instead of embracing it. It also signals that you think she might not be able to hack it. Instead, encourage her. Let her know that you have full confidence in her, that she can do it.
Clearly, if college is not working out, the student comes home. That is true for anyone and doesn’t even need to be stated. But to start out with that attitude that “I’m just here to see if I want to stay or go” does not foster success.
I’d do a few things: Tell her it’s normal to feel this way and there’s nothing wrong with her feelings. Tell her that even though it seems that others are excitedly getting ready to leave home and go off to college, you don’t see them behind closed doors – plenty of students she knows are feeling the same way. Be calm and gentle, but firm. Put down the deposit on the dream school. Get her into therapy with a good cognitive behavioral therapist.
And look into counseling for her at whatever school she chooses. My daughter with anxiety talks to someone every week and it helps her greatly. I think it reduces the number of distressed calls to me, too!
Maybe deep inside she knows that a school she fixated on freshman year isn’t really what she wants as a senior. That is one of problems with “dream schools”. Has she visited her 2nd & 3rd choices among her acceptances?
Does her top choice allow her to defer? There is no harm in asking. Then she can accept, and decide if she wants to go next fall or take a year off. A gap year is a drop in the bucket timewise in life.
I’d try to get her into a counselor or therapist asap. She may need the assistance of an adult outside of her parents for honest conversation. She is possibly also worried about letting parents down. Good to allow a professional to get to the bottom of this AND to see if its more than just the end of a very stressful process and the beginning of another journey. College is very important but mental health is more important.
If she’s like my D, she’s freaking out right now over the fact that she’s freaking out more than anything else. Counseling, yes, but in the meantime be as reassuring as you can that anxiety is common and manageable. It may always be part of her life, but it’s not going to take over her life. I shared with my D Hillary Clinton’s story about how she panicked her first few days at Wellesley and wanted to come home. Her mother said no, and now of course Clinton is incredibly grateful that she did (another vote in favor of showing your daughter you have faith she can work through this). If one of the most accomplished and admired women in the world struggled with that kind of self-doubt, then it’s not so strange an experience for the rest of us to have.
Not to discount the need for support for mental illness, but her anxiousness and reaction is not that far from what a lot of seniors are feeling. Leaving home and moving forward towards an independent, adult life is a very big deal. Lots of students are probably feeling the same way your D is, but not articulating it. Many act out. Just wait until summertime when the just graduated seniors become truly terrible to live with. It seems that it is easier to leave home when you hate your parents and they are beginning to hate you back a bit.
Many kids will be unsure of their decision and this will continue into the first months of freshman year. Many freshman will feel friendless and many will feel that their new college “friendships” are empty and fake.
I would put down the deposit on the dream school and talk frankly about how she is not alone in having a difficult time. The both of you should sit with a calendar and look at how frequently she will actually be at home, despite her going off to college. Also explain that luckily she is living in an age when she can closely communicate with her family and friends from home once she is at college. I’m sure you might get lots of texts at first, but over time they will become less frequent.
If this is her first experience with anxiety, it does not mean she has an anxiety issue. Life is full of peaks and valleys. She is normal to feel apprehension now. I would not rush to label it a problem. However, I would monitor her to see how she is coping and if it she has difficulty coping as time goes on, get her support.
@mrsdipi ^^ One thing I’d ask you though, when you say she is moping in bed and and crying all day–is that all she is doing–or is she making it through a day at school? If she cannot function enough to go to school, I would speak to her pediatrician to get guidance and more support.
Definitely you have to figure out if this is “normal” anxiety or the first sign of actual clinical, chronic anxiety. Around this age is unfortunately when it starts to really hit, and it can be easy to confuse with run of the mill stress in a kid that’s never really shown signs of anxiety before.
Get the help of a professional if you suspect it’s might be serious clinical anxiety. The approaches are very different. For a “normal” kid I’d typically agree on “pushing” them through it. For real diagnosed anxiety, you very likely may need a different approach depending on the severity.
“…I discovered early that a firm figurative hand on her back not allowing her to go backwards is necessary and if we help her push through the fear that she will then thrive and be happy for it…”
I love this advice. For the times when we suddenly are needed as parents, when maybe we haven’t been needed as intensively for a while.
She has a lot of good choices she has worked hard for, maybe it’s overwhelming. But this is so personal to your family, what do you think? Maybe she’ll want to know.
You might try either getting her to, or the two of you, sitting down and doing a pro con list for her dream school and her next two choices. Then she can compare the lists and decide which items are the most important to her. My youngest got down to two schools that weighted in equally. One close to home and the other close to family. Cost was the same. One was stronger in part of her major and the other stronger in the other part of her major. She couldn’t decide. I suggested that she look at the cafeteria menu at each school. One served more traditional food (burgers, pizza, roasts, chicken) while the other served more ethnic food which she couldn’t or wouldn’t eat. She loved her final choice.
If your school or school district employees a therapist (an area that is growing in a lot of districts), you might consider having her talk to the therapist. The therapist would know if this is a typical reaction at this point of senior year or if additional help is needed. Her guidance counselor could help arrange an appointment.
On top of all the great advice ppl have given on a practical level if she does attend a school this Fall you might want to look to get Tuition Insurance before she starts if it’s appropriate for your pay situation. I did not get this for my child but I know it exist and I believe it would fit the situation where a child leaves a school voluntarily.
I have a child with diagnosed anxiety. I agree with the idea listed of sitting down with a pencil and paper and making pros and cons lists for each option available including not leaving home. For my child I do the bulk of the writing while she does the talking, this lets me clarify things and simplify things. Sometimes she’ll disagree with my wording and that usually helps both of us understand and clarify things. I’ll ask leading questions if necessary to make sure she is thinking about all angles. Then I remind my child that no choice is perfect. Take away the pressure to make the “right” choice. Make your list and eliminate any glaringly “wrong” choice and then embrace any one of the good choices left. We don’t get up from the table until that choice is made. It is critically important however that she own the choice. Many times she makes a different choice than I would. I also have to recognize that we have already eliminated the wrong choices and as long as you to that all of you can live with any choice that remains.
This works for us. Your situation may vary. Good luck.