My daughter's life is imploding...

Parents Forum
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<p>My two younger children were adopted as infants. I’m here to defend oldermom’s inclusion of the important fact about her daughter’s origins. I was taught that kids with insecure attachment might hijack their own futures when it means they must leave home. She isn’t doing it consciously. My daughter is a sophomore and never misses an opportunity to remind me I’m not her “real” mother. Yes she’s in therapy. She has ADHD and a mood disorder. Once kids learn where babies come from a lot of adopted children begin having terrible abandonment issues. I’ve heard it’s worse for girls. My younger son seems to not have many issues with adoption.</p>

<p>I WISH my daughter had a 3.0 average. That’s a “B” average. It’s average. Most of the world is run by average people. I’ve identified several in state colleges (cheaper) that generally admit students with 2.6 to 2.8 high school GPA’s. So far we’ve only visited one and my daughter fell in love with it. We also have a junior college that has dorms that is only about thirty miles from our home. My hope is that she attends college for a couple of years and matures. There is some indication that living away from her parental units will take an emotional burden from her and she will focus better on school. If she had a particular vocational interest a vo-tech type school would probably serve her better but she seems to have no interests or goals. </p>

<p>@Oldermom99, find some schools that will admit her. If she drops out after age eighteen, it’s her choice. You and your husband should not worry yourselves in to an early grave over her choice to bomb in school. You need to try to take the emotions out of it. This is her life. Most kids eventually find a way to live close to the comfort level they were raised with. </p>

<p>I’d not suggest the gap year idea. She does not sound self motivated enough to make good use of it. Your goal should be to get her out of the house in an atmosphere that feeds and shelters her (college) while she learns how to be an adult. Good luck to all of you. I know I’ll be struggling with the same issues in a couple of years.</p>

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<p>Hi 2prepMom, at the end of last year, I was told that my daughter was in the bottom 30% of her class. I don’t know how much she has fallen from that standing. Some schools that she is interested in are Vassar, Wesleyan, University of Chicago, Skidmore, New School and Bard. She has also show some interest in McGill, Middlebury, University of Rochester and Sarah Lawrence.</p>

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<p>One issue you may be facing is the peer pressure she’s probably feeling at school. Kids in intensely academic environments often have a warped sense of which schools are “good.” If she has classmates who are all chatting about their visits to reach-for-everyone schools and bemoaning the fact that their parents made them look at what they see as safety schools (wonderful schools which may be a great match for your daughter at this juncture) she may be stressed out over the fact that she’s no longer a contender for the kinds of schools her friends are applying to. I’d also take a look at your school’s Naviance pages. A 3.0 average from a very rigorous prep school may not be the same as a 3.0 from the average high school. But of course that’s not your most pressing issue at this point.</p>

<p>I wonder if she’d do well with some time off. If that’s the case she may need you to take the decision out of her hands. She may be too immersed in the senior year application environment to see that she could use a breather. I’d see if you can get some advice from her therapist. Colleges will definitely want to see that she’s emotionally and psychologically stable before admitting her, so the first priority should be to get her on more solid ground. Is there a way for her to live at home and do something non-academic for a while? Perhaps an out-of-the-box option might help her to get her mojo back.</p>

<p>As an adoptive parent I understand how it’s hard not to have a medical history for your daughter. Knowing the family history might give you some clues as to a diagnosis if there’s one to be made. On the other hand, these kinds of issues pop up out of the blue in bio-families as well, so as others upthread have said, sometimes you’ve just got to love (and live with) the kid on the couch. Good luck. </p>

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<p>I can understand why the OP is worried about her daughter. A B average is fine, but the fact that she’s not turning in work and her GPA is falling dramatically are warning signs. It may be that it’s an executive functioning issue or it may be that she’s battling depression or an anxiety disorder, but whatever’s going on the OP is smart to be trying to get a handle on it before the child goes off to a school where she’ll be on her own with less support than she’s currently receiving.</p>

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<p>My son’s grades slipped, not much we could do about it except try to convince him to do better. He has perfect math SAT scores, great at calculus but is finishing with a C despite those facts.</p>

<p>If indeed you know something she doesn’t, that your time on this Earth is limited, IMHO as a person with a life-threatening illness and kids myself, you owe it to her to push her to spread her wings and fly.</p>

<p>The most important thing I would like to stress is that some kids do better in college when they can focus on classes they like and cut down on things they don’t, and have more control over their time.</p>

<p>Sounds to me that her growing up process is going to be happening quickly soon enough :frowning: so ease her out of the nest before she is plummeting due to things other than grades…</p>

<p>PS - though my son has had signs of depression and even suicidal ideations, we have not gotten pasych intervention beyond neuropsych testing to find his learning and cognitive strengths and weaknesses. More psych intervention is not necessarily better. Also, we are multiracial with one dark child and two light ones, and though (apparent) race does affect how others treat us, we try to make it a source of pride that we are all humans not different races. </p>

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<p>Hard to understand how a 3.2/4 would land you in the lowest 30% of the grade, but your child’s boarding school may well be that way (our daughter’s is most definitely is not, the average is a B/B-). But I still don’t understand why a .2 drop in GPA is termed “imploding”? Does your daughter feel things have gotten out of control? How are her standardized test scores? </p>

<p>There are also still many fine choices for students in the lower reaches of their boarding school classes, and I would rely heavily on the suggestions of her college counselor and maybe also look at more “match” schools, maybe Muhlenburg, Juniata, NYU, Carnegie Mellon (performing arts), SUNY Binghampton. It’s about where she’ll be comfortable, be able to get good support, and thrive. </p>

<p>It may be a good idea to take a gap year once she has an admission in hand, but going from a top boarding school to a community college and then applying as a transfer may not be satisfying to her, and may lessen her chances of admission to some schools she is interested in. </p>

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<p>Maybe you & she should be looking for schools that are not too challenging academically and have a good support system and structure, as well as flexibility - so that she is less likely to be overwhelmed at college. Part of the problems you are now seeing may be that she reached a breaking point with the demands of her rigorous school – I know that my daughter felt overwhelmed at around this time of the year at a regular public high school, and my daughter was anything but ADHD. But there’s a lot of pressure on seniors who are taking a full schedule of AP classes (or AP-equivalents).</p>

<p>She may function very differently in a college environment with less intense pressures or demands. What about Skidmore? </p>

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<p>Oh, and my son is barely in the top 4th decile of his class with a 3.7 weighted due to grade inflation for non-honors classes (4.3 is a regular class A, even for remedial classes. 5.0 for both honors and AP A’s). It does happen when the school focuses on sending 95%+ of their graduates to college.</p>

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<p>I would recommend a college within commuting distance that you can afford without merit aid. Kids with issues may have to come back home and commute, may lose merit, may have to continue part-time, may have to combine classes with internships or work, etc. You need to allow for maximum flexibility if possible.</p>

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<p>If can get some of these issues under control, then college could work. However, I would try to keep her within a couple of hours from home. What smaller privates are within that distance from your home?</p>

<p>Do you have a college budget? </p>

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<p>Because that translates to a C+ average for her senior year. It also sounds like the 3.2 was a slip from her previous two years.</p>

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<p>OP, I have people close to me who are adoptive parents, some of them inter racial adoptions. I have seen some of the anger, withdrawal, and abandonment issues these teens exhibit. I understand why the adoption is a part of your puzzle with your daughter.</p>

<p>My sister is an adoptive parent and an attorney. She adopted her daughter as an infant, the daughter is now a 23 year old college graduate teaching 4th grade. My sister just recently told me about a class she attended, I am not sure if she was a participant or a co-leader as an attorney. Anyway, the other leader made the statement that all teens will lash out at their parents, whether the parents are bio or adoptive. The adoptive kids just use different words, like you aren’t my REAL mom. Bio kids will lash out in the same tone/way at the same issues but can use that phrase, so come up with something different. Her point was that all teens are basically alike and will say and do things to hurt their parents. Adoptive kids have different words or tools to do the hurting with.</p>

<p>All of that to say, your daughter sounds like a normal child with ADHD and some depression going on. She will be fine with some help, which you are getting her.</p>

<p>One other thing I have learned in the past year. It is important for kids to grow up around others that look like them. If your daughter looks different from you, then make sure there are people that look like her at school, work, church, somewhere that she is on a consistent basis. She needs to know that she doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb. She probably already thinks she has a scarlet A for adoption on her forehead. It may fade to pink in her mind of there are others like her in her neighborhood.</p>

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<p>I, too, can understand your concern. Some kids (and adults) go through a stage (or multiple stages) where they seem to self-destruct. My 40-year-old bio son continues to struggle like this, probably due to untreated depression. He first had these issues his senior year in high school, though they were mild then. They recurred 4 years later, more seriously, as a college senior. Almost all of my kids (3 adult bio, 4 at home, adopted internationally - 2 Asian, 2 African) have had and some continue to have certain issues that have impacted their academics. It sounds like your daughter is getting good mental health treatment. Hopefully, more than one medication has been tried. My current high school senior had no friends and didn’t even want to leave the house four years ago and is now is a social, happy kid, thanks to the 3rd medication his psychiatrist prescribed after 2 others failed. I do worry about him going away to college next year, but he wants to go, so I just have to hope he makes good choices away from home.</p>

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<p>It sounds like your husband is stressed and that you are as well. This is understandable. Worrying about our kids is stressful. You also mentioned some health problems that your D is not quite aware of? </p>

<p>As much as parents want to spare children stresses, if there is a serious health issue, your D is old enough to be picking up on it. Is it possible that she is concerned about your health? This isn’t your fault by any means, but it would be natural for her to be worried.</p>

<p>She’s in counseling but who is supporting you and your H? If you and your H are not in counseling, getting help for your stresses would help you, and her, indirectly. </p>

<p>I think the expectations of students at a top private school are high. In the grand scheme of things, your D’s grades are not so bad, but in context of competitive students, your D may feel that she has failed- but she has not by a long shot. Does she know this?</p>

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<p>I agree with bajamm, in that my dark kid aligns more with kids who look like him (like literally they have a darker-skinned team when he plays sports with friends) and his light siblings don’t. Growing up the darkest child of a very fair mother, to be honest I would look at her and wonder if she was really my mother. And I was a bit shocked when I myself had a pale blond-haired blue-eyed child.</p>

<p>I don’t think it is the root of her issues, but it could have a role. I’m sure Barack Obama had quite a time with being multiracial and raised by whites, even though they were his mom and grandparents. He’s “free” to identify as black now that they passed away, but that is confusing to those of us who are multiracial - isn’t it okay to be multiracial?</p>

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<p>The actual GPA isn’t bad but I think the problem is that the student basically gave up on school during the semester and had to drop 3 classes. The only reason that it wasn’t worse was because the average grade was already so high, but I would have serious concerns about sending someone off to college if they shut down like that for an entire year. It’s not necessarily a huge deal, but it’s certainly worth exploring just to see what caused that and how best to resolve it. A 3.0 is hardly a disaster (except I guess by the insane environment of CC chance threads!) but the issue isn’t the students numerical grades but the stresses and problems that they have been having and I would focus more on helping her through them than stressing about the GPA which really isn’t that low.</p>

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<p>FWIW, some private schools seem to have no issue with encouraging kids to drop classes. This is not the child’s fault.</p>

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<p>Take a look at Denison University in Granville, OH. A few years back friends of ours had a very similar situation although with their D it was a break-up that started the GPA spiraling downward. At app time I think her GPA was about a 3.1. She is very happy at Denison and I hear it is a really beautiful campus. It gets its fair share of higher SES students so your D will feel at home.</p>

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<p>My sister adopted two children as infants and is now a therapist in the adoption field. Can you find a therapist with that specialty? A child adopted from an orphanage at 16 months had a rough start in terms of attachment, and those experiences must have affected her sense of security and trust, I would think. Some of those issues might very well get triggered by a transition that involves leaving home and pressure to grow up. I don’t know a lot about adoption and its ramifications but feel that some posters here may have responded to you without knowing much about it either, to be frank. I think you must be a wonderful, caring and insightful parent to be wondering about all this at this time.</p>

<p>I agree that senior year can be so stressful that many of us see anxiety reactions that we are not used to seeing in our kids. Many of them come out of it and move on successfully. One of mine did not: she also has ADHD, and some other issues. She was home one year, then went to college for a year, and is now home again, doing wonderfully. </p>

<p>We have found that forging a path based on strengths works best. It sounds like dance/choreography and music are important to her. You can go to the dance or music forums on here for advice on how to maximize those interests as she moves forward. Schools like Sarah Lawrence, Bennington, Vassar, and Skidmore can be wonderful for those interests. Bennington dance, we happen to know, focuses o choreography. Goucher is another school for dance. Or she could think about conservatory, depending on her talent and experience: Purchase is a really good one.</p>

<p>There is no healthy way to rush things when kids start to develop problems. It is hard to have faith that things will work out, but important to convey that to your daughter. Therapy and medications can be key, but also developing an attitude of self-acceptance and resilience. It is absolutely fine to take time off from school if needed. She could live at home, work in a restaurant, take a few classes, dance or play music in the community, take yoga classes, volunteer with children, whatever life she can put together.</p>

<p>Applying to schools regardless will give her options, if that is what she wants to do now, but that can wait. Sometimes it just helps to know there are choices about timing, especially the choice about whether to be home. For some, having the home base really enables them to move forward as an adult. For others, the bumps in senior year are just that and leaving is the best way to develop. </p>

<p>You know her best.</p>

<p>One other thing: it is my personal opinion that late high school is a time when kids switch from external motivation (grades, parental wishes, teacher opinion and so on) to a need for more internal motivation (especially interest). It is a hard transition. But along with the possibility that your daughter might be developing depression are other more positive possibilities, such as questioning priorities and goals, which can seem negative at the time but have positive effects over the long run.</p>

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<p>By Grade 13 program, I meant a fifth year of high school. This is more common for athletes, especially athletic boys, who hope to get bigger and better at their sport in order to get recruited, but it can also be for students who need some more help to prepare for college.</p>