<p>Does your daughter want to pursue performing arts in college? Some of the best programs are competitive in terms of auditions, but not in terms of academic criteria. A 3.0 from an elite prep school, with decent test scores, will get her into many respectable liberal arts colleges, furthermore, if she is not seeking financial aid. Has she taken any standardized tests yet?</p>
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<p>For me, it’s less about assigning blame or finding fault and more about seeing why the student suddenly had trouble with three classes at once and felt pressured to drop them. It might be no big deal, or it might indicate stress, a nervous breakdown, or some other issue that the student might need help getting past. It really wouldn’t matter in that context whose fault it was to drop the classes, but more about making sure that the student feels supported in working through whatever it is happened so that it doesn’t hold her back.</p>
<p>@oldermom99,
Hugs to you. I’m not sure why you are focusing so much on the adoption issue. But I can relate to your story.
These threads give you some good options for 4 year colleges.</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/class-20xx-community/1656351-parents-of-the-hs-class-of-2016-3-0-to-3-3-gpa.html#latest”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/class-20xx-community/1656351-parents-of-the-hs-class-of-2016-3-0-to-3-3-gpa.html#latest</a></p>
<p><a href=“Where did your 3.0-3.3 GPA child get in? - #392 by ChrisF - Parents Forum - College Confidential Forums”>Where did your 3.0-3.3 GPA child get in? - #392 by ChrisF - Parents Forum - College Confidential Forums;
<p>While your D has benefited from the private education, I also wonder how it impacts her self esteem? If you were raising your child in a different area in a different school- having a 3.0 average may not have as much of an impact on her self esteem. This is not to say that there are not A students everywhere, but in areas where the students and parents are from more various backgrounds and occupations, there is a range of expectations and achievements. I think it is great that you are aiming for the local public colleges, but if all her peers are set on top privates, they may not consider the public colleges to be “good enough”. I don’t want you to think you have made a mistake sending her to the school. No doubt the pros have exceeded any drawbacks- and you gave her a great education. There may have been different struggles in a different school. The question now is how best to support her where she is. </p>
<p>From reading your post, my concern is how does your D perceive herself? In the grand scheme of thing, she is doing quite well to be keeping a B average, a busy schedule of performance, while also having ADHD, but I wonder what kind of messages she is hearing from others in her world. You mentioned school refusal, and that is one way a teen may cope with fear of failure, or fear of not keeping up. If performing arts is what your D feels gives her self esteem, then don’t have her drop that in order to take more classes. What positive messages can you increase in her world?</p>
<p>As others have said, I don’t think the concern it the GPA per se but the change in the daughter’s functioning. This is an age when that can happen, for a variety of reasons, ranging from the stress of the transition coming up, or the onset of mental health disorders. Older mom is right to be concerned, and seems admirably open to several paths ahead.</p>
<p>Supporting the daughters interests in dance and music seems like a good way to approach whatever is going on, along with appropriate professional help. This could mean a year off to perform and learn, or a focus on conservatories, or colleges with good programs. Colleges that Change Lives is a great book and website with lists of colleges that might fit this daughter. Another book like, that is available online, is entitled “Creative Colleges.”</p>
<p>ADHD becomes more of a challenge as education becomes more challenging. There are schools that focus especially on ADHD and other learning issues. Landmark in Vermont is specifically for this, and also has a program to prepare kids for other colleges (before or during their college years I think). Schools with good advising programs and therapists available can help a lot: some help with time management.</p>
<p>But launching while living at home may help too if leaving home is the issue behind the current problems. I have read that only 1/3 of kids are truly ready to go away to college, intellectually and emotionally.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>I think right now it is more important to focus on D’s mental state, figure out why there is such a big change with her performance at school. </p>
<p>As far as college, D could go to a community college in NY that has an agreement with Cornell for transfer. She could be close to home for few years before she goes off to college.</p>
<p>Rather than focus on what colleges appeal to DD, perhaps help with what field of study. I’ve heard performing arts (dance/music) but also a love of science. Would she like art therapy? Teaching art in a school? Is she sociable, does she desire to work with people? It could help to have her talk and perhaps shadow people in these fields. Then, I’d craft a list of colleges with such programs. State programs may well have better majors in these fields than some of the colleges mentioned. (I’ve found this true for kids wanting nursing, PT, OT, Speech, and teaching.)</p>
<p>Keeping her close to home, with the ADHD and attachment issues, would be a big plus.</p>
<p>I agree that ADHD can play a higher role in academic difficulty as the educational demands get higher. In addition, kids with learning differences can also assume they are less capable because they struggle to keep up while peers don’t seem to.</p>
<p>Some of the college talk I have heard from adults and students can be critical. We can’t protect kids from these comments, but we can help them put them into perspective. How much harder is it for a child who already is struggling and may have low self esteem to hear them?</p>
<p>I just want to weigh in as another adoptive mom. Our older kid is our bio kid but we adopted her sister as a newborn. Younger D is now 13 and has ADHD, depression and anxiety issues. We had big problems last year with school refusal, big drop in grades, etc. Things are a little better now with changes in medication, counseling, changing schools etc but it’s an ongoing struggle. At our first appointment with the child psychiatrist, she said that the absence of a family mental health history was definitely an issue. And younger D herself brings up her adoption in the context of wondering why she has these feelings and issues, when big sister doesn’t. And I definitely agree with previous posters who have adoptive kids or relatives (like @OspreyCV22 and @bajamm who have acknowledged that adopted kids frequently struggle themselves with adoption related issues especially as teens. Adopted kids have all the normal teen issues plus the additional issue of wondering where they came from and why they were placed for adoption. It doesn’t help anybody to sweep that under the rug. I feel for the OP because I have started to wonder about what kind of college environment will be best for D#2. Fortunately she’s only in 8th grade so we have time to wait and see how things develop. If she were 17 like the OP’s kid, I would definitely be anxious about it. So hugs to the OP.</p>
<p>Hugs @oldermom99. It must be very difficult to watch your daughter struggle in the midst of your own health issues.</p>
<p>I really like the idea of a gap year. It will give her a break from any academic pressure and it can be a useful time for her to concentrate on herself. The focus should be on talk therapy and her ADHD issues. And it’s an added bonus if the time allows for quality family togetherness, especially if you are ill.</p>
<p>I found this documentary about transracial adoption to be very moving and insightful. It gave me a better understanding of the struggles of adopted children and how important it is for families to provide unconditional support. I watched it on Netflix but the link below has a trailer.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.somewherebetweenmovie.com/”>http://www.somewherebetweenmovie.com/</a></p>
<p>Best wishes to you and your daughter.</p>
<p>@Corinthian, thanks for sharing. I don’t have any first hand experience with adoption, so am wondering if there are support groups for adopted children. The documentary really highlighted for me the importance of having friends who share the same struggles.</p>
<p>Hugs to you! </p>
<p>The first thing you have to realize here is that you are not alone. These issues are real, and there are some professionals who are more adept at facilitating positive outcomes in the family in situations like yours than others might be.</p>
<p>If it were my daughter, I’d look for someone who has successfully counseled adopted children. This is not your fault, and it is not your daughter’s fault. It just is.</p>
<p>She’s awesome, and she needs to hear that. You love her, and she needs to hear that, too. You’re grateful for her presence in your life. </p>
<p>The here and now of grades doesn’t matter much. It will work itself out. The search for identity masters more. And your mental health matters, too. If you haven’t, please set up some counseling for yourself and your husband, so that you know that some of this is yours to fix, and some of it is (very sadly) beyond your reach. </p>
<p>She will get through this, as all adolescents do eventually. She has a harder road than some, and so do you. My 2 cents.</p>
<p>This has been enlightening for me to read all of this. Best of luck to you, oldermom.</p>
<p>@Oldermom99–I used to be one of those folks who would say that adoption issues aren’t a big deal and adoptive families should acknowledge adoption and not dwell on it. I learned otherwise through my stepdaughter who has two adopted children. Her adoptive son (12 years old)–has been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and also RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). He’s fine when he takes his medication, but when he doesn’t his behavior affects the entire family and anyone he’s around. The poor kid has no friends and seems to alienate all who are around him–he has lots of issues in school and while it’s clear from interacting with him that he is bright, his academic work is far behind where it should be. My stepD and her husband have gone to many therapists/doctors and have finally found therapists who are helping and the entire family is involved in therapy. Much of my grandson’s therapy deals with helping him with his adoptive issues–my stepD recently learned that her son believes that his “real” mother is going to come and get him and he’s angry because he believes his adoptive parents should be giving his “real” mother money to help her out. (My stepD and husband had no information about their adoptive son’s background–they adopted him at 14 months from an orphanage in Russia. The folks there could tell them nothing about their son’s background.) </p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like your D has adoptive issues like my grandson, but you’re wise to keep her in therapy. I like the idea of a gap year where your D can focus on herself and her therapy away from academic pressure. I agree with many above–your D’s grades (especially since they are from an academically select private school) will not put her out of the running for a good college. The question, I think, is to figure what’s changed in the last year to affect your D’s academic performance and how you can help her to go forward in a way that’s good for everyone in the family. It sounds like you and your husband have been having a very difficult time. Given your D’s interest in performing arts–what about taking courses/classes in her area of interest (music, dance, or drama) or participating in community productions during this gap year along with pursuing therapy. If you’re in the NYC area, there are lots of options for classes/coaching in the performing arts.</p>
<p>Whoa. Slow down a minute. . There’s an elephant in the room, and your daughter knows it. In one of your earlier posts upthread, you dropped this bombshell: Your health is not good and you don’t know how much time you have left with her, “but she doesn’t know it.” </p>
<p>I would argue that she DOES know you are hiding something important from her and that that is contributing in a big way to what is going on. Also, your health condition might be contributing to your sense of urgency in getting her on the right track, which, in turn, contributes to her unmooring. You can’t hide a significant health problem without repurcussions for those close to you. I say, get thee all to family therapy to sort this all out at once. </p>
<p>I am just another mom, not someone with any experience in adoption, so I am in no position to judge. The idea of attachment disorder came to my attention when some acquaintances struggled with behavioral issues in their adopted child. They seemed to feel that AD explained the behaviors well.</p>
<p>My concern about the focus on AD is not that it isn’t real, but there seems to be a helplessness associated with it- nobody can do anything about what happened before the child was adopted. Yet the child has been living in a loving home for much longer and it would make sense that this would have a major impact. </p>
<p>Biological children can also be traumatized and abused and respond to therapy, even as adults. If we can say it isn’t too late for an adult, why do we put adopted children and their parents in such a position? I don’t doubt that AD exists and should be addressed, but I also hope therapists focus on the family in the present and what can be done now. </p>
<p>Awareness is a good thing, but there is something disempowering about focusing on something that the parents had no control over. Adoptive parents are the most wonderful thing for a child- a loving family that is as legitimate as any other one. They are the real parents, and the only parents. </p>
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<p>Which of course makes your D’s GPA slide even more of an issue. :(</p>
<p>People have suggested many private colleges here that she would probably like, but are unlikely to be affordable. The colleges on her own list are, in general, going to be major reaches with a 3.0 GPA.</p>
<p>It is extremely lucky that you live in NY, where you have the choice of a number of SUNYs that may be affordable fits.</p>
<p>Is she a boarding student, or is she a day student living at home? You haven’t said anything about her SAT/ACT scores: how do they stack up?</p>
<p>I have great sympathy for your situation. Thanks to all of the adoptive parents and relatives who have shared their experiences on this thread. It is very illuminating, even though I have friends who have struggled with these issues, both as adoptive parents and as adoptive children.</p>
<p>@Oldermom99 - My son has ADHD and takes medication for it. Does your daughter take medication for her ADHD? There are a lot of warnings on the medication my son takes about looking changes in behavior like depression. Is it possible that maybe the cause?</p>
<p>Pennylane2011, I am also a mom by adoption. While I agree that adoption issues can be overemphasized, they are not to be dismissed or ignored entirely. And this statement:
is misguided. Yes, my daughter is my daughter, 100 percent, she is my heart, but it is extremely unwise not to consider the fact that she had another mother and father before me. At the moment, my daughter, a college freshman, is not focussed on her birth parents but during some stages of her childhood, she was interested, perplexed, and sometimes stricken by the loss. Right now she is concerned about having zero medical history, and she is curious about possible siblings. My guess is that if and when she gives birth and gets to see the only biological relative she’s met since infancy, she will think of her first family again.</p>
<p>In my very humble opinion as an adoptive parent.</p>
<p>You’ll also want to consider when and how you’ll be telling your daughter about your own health issues. You’ll want her be somewhere where she’ll get the support she needs at what is sure to be a challenging time.</p>