My daughter's life is imploding...

Parents Forum
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<p>You note that your daughter doesn’t know your medical situation, which you imply is terminal. Do not bet that she doesn’t know- or (worse) has filled in the blanks between the pieces that she does know. Seriously. If there is a big something out there and you are trying to keep it from her that is more than enough to send any kid into a tailspin, regardless of all the many other issues out there. When life is as messy as it seems to be for you & yours, go back to first principles. In a family that means circling the wagons and coming clean and figuring out what the most important variables are. The rest of the decisions will follow from that. </p>

<p>Really, how can she possibly decide where to go / how far to go if she is scared about what is happening / will happen at home- especially if she knows that she can’t trust you to tell her what’s going on. How strongly does that say ‘you are not on the inside in this family’? </p>

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<p>It sounds like she’s not doing what she really wants. She may be in the wrong school. You mentioned performing arts. If that’s her passion, then a high pressure private school is not a match for her temperament, no matter how caring and nurturing it is. She may have held it together until now, which is why you’re seeing the drop in GPA. </p>

<p>One way you may be able to tell if this is the case is to watch her mood over the holidays. If it seems to improve, there’s something more than depression going on. I know from my experience with my daughter that depressed students stay depressed even when they’re not in school. If your daughter feels better when she’s not in school, then I would strongly suggest pulling her out of the expensive prep school and sending her to a public school or even a parochial school that’s more low key. Getting her healthy now is so much more important than getting her into college. There will be time for that later, but if she’s not well, she will never benefit from her education.</p>

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<p>Oldmom, I agree with you, and I certainly didn’t want to minimize the effect of adoption. </p>

<p>I really just want to give credit where it is due. I don’t intend to not include adoption, or the fact that the child is born to another mother, but I personally think very highly of adoptive parents. </p>

<p>Like all parents, none of us is perfect. We make mistakes. We love our kids. </p>

<p>I know I see it from the outside, but it hope it is OK to give an affirmation. </p>

<p>I realize that adopted children, like all children, are not aware of all the efforts of their parents. Some perhaps realize this when they become parents and feel the love and responsibility for their children.</p>

<p>Oldmom, my wish for you is that when your D becomes a parent, if she so chooses, and meets that wonderful baby she has, that although she thinks about her own first family, she recognizes that the love she feels for that infant is also the kind of love you feel for her- too big to measure or describe.</p>

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<p>First - you posters are pretty awesome in general.</p>

<p>I am struck by the comment about how she likes performing arts. Some people are just made that way. Is your daughter a natural-born performer, entertainer? Does she come alive in a play or other circumstance?</p>

<p>If that’s the case, it makes me wonder whether a private school that has a high-intensity academic focus AND a highly-competitive student body might not be the best fit. Is there a performing arts-focused school around you that might be worth investigating? Or involvement with a local theatre troupe, stand-up troupe, etc.?</p>

<p>Sometimes you just have to accept that some people are cut out for different things other than academics.</p>

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<p>OP, I hope you’re still reading. I have some experience with pieces of your situation so I wanted to speak up. First, I am the white parent of a biracial child. It is possible, maybe even likely, that despite her school being one of the best in the country, that your D does not actually feel comfortable there, maybe not even accepted. My husband and I made the mistake of enrolling our D in our school district’s flagship gifted program-considered by many to be even better than private school when she was in elementary school. While she made friends and loved the academics offered, she was the only black child in her class and one of only a handful in the school. She was both bullied and ignored for it and it took a toll on her. She is so much happier in a much more diverse school and plans to go to college only where there is a very high population of students of color. This may be something your D is struggling with, but doesn’t know how to tell you. As my own D put it, “No offense Mom, but you’re white!” I an empathize all I want, but I cannot, will never, experience what she did.</p>

<p>I also have a (now grown) child who went through a similar drop in grades in a similar way. She still had a lot going for her and got into the colleges she was aiming for (not the elites, but not lower-tier either). She went off to college and was miserable, rootless and ended up coming back home. In retrospect, she did what she thought WE wanted of her (her dad, steparents and I) and floundering those last months in HS was really her way of trying to get out of a path she didn’t want to be on. She really wasn’t able to articulate that until years later. She decided on a specialized community college program based on a job she’d had and liked, and is very successful in her field now. Since she’s already in therapy, exploring the why behind her sudden failures is very important, IMO.</p>

<p>I also agree with those who have said that your D mostly likely suspects something is wrong with you healthwise. Kids don’t have the filters we adults do and they see things we don’t realize they see. Since she doesn’t actually KNOW what’s wrong, she’s likely Googling all sorts of scenarios and suspects the worst. Think back-did she start going downhill when your symptoms first started? I wouldn’t be surprised. PLEASE be honest with her. As one who’s lost both parents far too young, it did none of us any good that they hid from us their health issues. Give your D the truth and time to process things and to say goodbye (if it’s that dire). She will be very grateful rather than resentful that you never told her.</p>

<p>Also, about boarding school. I’m not clear if your D is at a boarding school or just an exclusive one. My oldest was a bit of a headache to my ex, and his wife suggested boarding school for this kid, who was smart yet unhappy and unchallenged. It lasted exactly 2 months, because the message my S got was “I don’t want you around her. Someone else can deal with you and your problems”. He was even more miserable and more trouble after that. After that he came to live with me, went to an alternative HS for creative kids and completely changed his attitude. I don’t know if that’s what your D is thinking, but maybe she’d really rather be home, with you, despite the schools not being as perfect.</p>

<p>I wanted to say something about the grades-a B average really isn’t the end of the world, as many have already said. It’s entirely possible to go on and have a very successful life with a B average, CC not withstanding. The same goes for college options. There are nearly 4,000 colleges in the US. Your D will find one, even if it’s not on some list as the best ever, and become a functioning, self-supporting adult. Please let go of that stress. I wonder if your D is picking up on your thoughts on college/career success and is dropping her work simply to get away from those expectations?</p>

<p>I do agree with you about the adoption being integral to the situation. My younger D’s BFF is a transracial adoptee in a wealthy family and she too, is dealing with attachment issues. That, and the racial divide HAVE to be addressed, I think, in any therapy going forward. I hope you get this sorted out, and you become well. Teens can be a challenge even under the best circumstances. You have several challenges and I hope they work out.</p>