My extracurricular paragraph!

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
1

<p>During my sophomore year, I decided to help the Marching Band by joining the Prop Crew. The big prop for that year was called a pull-over. It was a forty yard long banner that was pulled over the band by several people carrying long poles that clipped onto the edges of the banner. That year was also the first year that the band director decided to take the band to the Band's of America National Marching Band Competition, the country's largest marching band competition. As we were walking down the ramp to the field, I rehearsed how we were going to set up. We waited at the sideline until the official gave us the O.K. and we sprinted to pull in across the front sideline. During the climax of the music we pulled up on the poles and ran for the other sideline. SNAP! I looked up and saw my pole unconnected. The pull-over crashed down on a stationary prop, almost covering some band members. We laugh about it now, but it was easily the most embarrassing moment in my life.</p>

<p>I'm basically at 1000 characters, but I'm not sure if it is too simple of a paragraph. I couldn't fit in that I said that I would be the captain of the pull-over crew.</p>

2

<p>dont write a story and how it was embarassing, instead write about how the EC helped you and made you better</p>

3

<p>Ok, I thought it was ok to do a funny story. Thanks! … bump</p>

4

<p>I don’t think the intent is to show how an EC “made you better”…it’s for the school to get to know you better. I like your paragraph. Change the last sentence to “We laugh about it now, but it did not stop me from being named Captain” or “We laugh about it now, but guess who is the new Captain of the XYZ?” or something like that.</p>

5

<p>Two other quick suggestions:</p>

<p>During my sophomore year, I joined the Prop Crew of the Marching Band. </p>

<p>We waited at the sideline until the official gave us the “go ahead”, then we sprinted to pull in across the front sideline. </p>

<p>We laugh about it now, but …new line about being captain.</p>

6

<p>I think it’s good! Your syntax is a little repetitive, but other than that it’s definitely a keeper.</p>

7

<p>I’ll see what I can do and soon re-post another thread on it. Watch for it to let me know if I improved. Thanks so much!</p>

8

<p>I used my space to clarify one of my ECs. I do theater at my school, and so I took the opportunity to mention that I tend to fill the role thats needed, having done stage crew, administrative work, acting, and writing.</p>

9

<p>So should I change the whole flow of the essay and focus more on how it’s made me better or just clean what I have written? bump</p>

10

<p>Well, the prompt on the Common App doesn’t ask how it made you better; it just says “elaborate.” I think you’ve done a fine job!</p>

11

<p>Thank you! Well, one more bump ought to do it!</p>