<p>marijuana rules. WOoo!!!</p>
<p>Hmmm, and I told my dd she would have to save any pot smoking experimenting until college so as not to risk her HS scholarship...mayhaps to rethink this. I'm very surprised any school would take any action over a joint or other 'personal' amount of pot. Although if someone were dealing out of their dorm, I could see they would want to eliminate that action. Now that she knows it is serious there, she needs to act accordingly and not further endanger scholarship. Here in SF, you won't get arrested for smoking a joint even if a police officer saw you, the city simply does not prosecute for possession of pot unless you have very large quantities. So one really has to evaluate the risks of the environment you are in. I'm just very surprised that it's risky at all in college. </p>
<p>And assguy aside, a little pot smoking is no reflection on the kids scolarship.</p>
<p>bettina,</p>
<p>Good point. Maybe they had to take some action because not only was it her 2nd infraction but they kicked the dealer out. </p>
<p>Perhaps another kid buying a joint from a non-dealer would not get the same reaction.</p>
<p>massguy-</p>
<p>Obviously she did do well academically if she was on the deans list. Maybe she is struggling with the new found independence, and perhaps loneliness of college, but the girl is only a freshman-she has 3 years still to "take advantage" of her scholarship. Calling her a failure now seems way premature.</p>
<p>Most students, even the "perfect straight A" ones that I know have gone to college and done at least some drinking and/or smoking. Many have also accomplished a lot within the school and other organizations. Yes, her D had the bad luck and possibly foolishness to get caught, but she is hardly alone. </p>
<p>Certainly there is a problem with her actions, but it seems to me (from a student's perspective) that her problem is more emotional/social than her trying to squander her future. I agree that counseling would be helpful, not because of the drugs necessarily but because, from what Mumbe says, she seems very lonely and out-of-place at school. Perhaps a counselor or mentor could help her find her footing, in a sense, and help her feel more at home on campus. It always helps to have someone available you can talk to.</p>
<p>Good luck-it sounds like you are handling the situation well</p>
<p>I agree that expulsion would be way too harsh a punishment and I imagine and hope that is NOT what the school has in mind. We had a thread just a few days ago from a mom whose son had been unceremoniously kicked out after the first semester of freshman year for bad grades and in that case and this, I agree that a first semester freshman deserves some extra chances. But frankly, it does sound either like this problem is fairly serious, or the school is some kind of very conservative and rigid place. I do wish this student and her family the best and it sounds like the right thing has happened: everyone is paying attention to something before it gets too serious. Sorry if I sounded too harsh above.</p>
<p>I guess it all depends if they want to make an example of her. I think Momsdream 's comment is wise. Have her walk in and volunteer to do community service in a outreach campus program.They may like that.</p>
<p>"Hmmm, and I told my dd she would have to save any pot smoking experimenting until college so as not to risk her HS scholarship."</p>
<p>When I worked in the substance abuse prevention field, I learned that young people really do listen to parents' message and subtext in terms of substance abuse.</p>
<p>If parents wax eloquent about their fun times being drunk in college, students will listen to this and will think that heavy drinking is part of the college experience and they'll make sure that they get that "great" experience. </p>
<p>Parents who say variations of "just don't get caught" teach their kids that it's expected and acceptable to break the law and drink or use drugs.</p>
<p>Certainly, probably the majority of young people do some underage drinking and sample drugs. Still, given the risks -- from alcohol poisoning to date rape to alcohol and drug-caused car accidents -- to being kicked out of school -- my thoughts are that it's wise for parents to give our offspring a clear message that we expect them to follow the law.</p>
<p>As for whether expulsion is too tough a penalty -- I disagree. I anticipate that given the college's actions thus far, suspension is probably the toughest action they are considering. However, this is a second infraction. The college would have had every right to send the student into the community's legal system which, depending on the community's laws, could mean jail time. Students also lose federally funded scholarships/loans for drug convictions. </p>
<p>That many of us went to college during times in which drug use was prevalent doesn't mean that students now shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. Frankly, there should have been more accountability imposed when we were young.</p>
<p>I don't think the D calling her mom to tell of her recent drug incident and then confessing to the past infraction is a sign that the lines of communication are improved. The D told her mom about the alcohol because she had to, as it was going to come out in light of the new episode. I also don't think the D witholding the info from her mom is a sign of a problem. She apparently wasn't placed on formal probation or warning. She was "written up" (event documented - no warning given - I guess). </p>
<p>I don't think it's necessary for parents to hold an overly specific vision of their 18-22 year olds. Teach them values, raise them well and develop their core. Aside from their core, there are surely grey, fuzzy areas on the fringe where they will stray into experimenting so as to develop the real boundaries for themselves, based on their own terms...not ours. If you don't think your kids are doing this, you're fooling yourself. True, this mom didn't know what was going on with her D's fringe areas.....but that's normal. I just think the "accurate picture" is unnecessary. The D is off and living at college - not under mom's roof. Anyway, this is just my view and opinions on this sort of topic will vary wildly. </p>
<p>I also think I know my son at his core (his character and spirit) - but not what goes on all the time. I have been surprised before. But, I never felt like I didn't know him. He innocently got a bunch of his friends into big trouble when he was in attendance at a drinking party at someone's home one night. Rather than drinking himself, he and a couple of others went outside to play basketball at about 10pm. The bouncing ball awoke a neighbor, who dealt with it until about midnight, got mad and called the police. The police busted the party and the kids got into trouble. The police called me at 1am from the home to tell me what happened, after questioning the kids and lecturing them for an hour......and had determined that he wasn't drinking - but he had been there. This was plain old bad judgement on his part - he shouldn't have placed himself in that position. Luckily, there were no drugs. There have been other parties, with pot....and I've heard about them second-hand from other parents.....much after the fact. </p>
<p>I think it's important for parents not to overreact. We could probably debate all day on what is considered overreacting and never reach a concensus. But, im my experience, the parents who overreact are the ones who wind up with the most troubled kids who never tell them anything. I just think the better you know your kid at their core, the less you worry about the fringe stuff.</p>
<p>momsdream, nice post. One of the thoughts your story provokes, though, is this: who the heck are the parents who are (a) allowing drinking at parties at their home or (b) so neglectful as to leave the house and their teens alone to run amuck? (It happens here, too, and in the past two months two separate parents have been very publicly charged by the police for allowing alcoholic parties at their homes for high school students--I say hooray, let's have more of that kind of thing!)</p>
<p>Excellent post, momsdream. I think the most we can do as parents is to try to give our kids the tools to make responsible decisions. The time to do that is when they are living at home. By the time they reach college, that part of the parenting job is largely complete. At that point, they are in charge. As momsdream says, there is plenty of gray area near that outer margin of absolute stupidity. As parents we will not always know nor in my opinion, should we always know exactly what our kids are doing. The best you can reasonably expect is that, if youve done your job decently, they wont stray outside of the gray area. </p>
<p>Mumbe - You've gotten so much excellent advice already and you sound like a terrific mom. I have nothing to add except to offer you and your daughter the best of luck in resolving this situation.</p>
<p>mumbe:</p>
<p>You have a got a lot of advice. But I would say talk to your daughter, If she feel that she made a mistake, you should let her feel responsible. On other hand if she think it is no big deal, then you need her to help soul searching as this may cause serious problem in future. Good luck to you and your daughter.</p>
<p>This forum has been an extraordinary help to me in a situation where I feel very alone and essentially powerless. Rest assured, she does not see this mess as "no big deal" ------ she is terrified. But she is not paralyzed. She is to meet with the chaplain today, and I expect serious counseling to follow. As hard as it is to do, I am essentially stepping back -- but not out. </p>
<p>Seeing as so many of you have done me such a great favor, I now suggest you do one for yourselves and your children: Tell them about this situation, and let them know that is real, not some Reader's Digest parable from a high school health class. In addition, one of the posters here said he/she took the time to look at their child's student handbook online; you might find it to be interesting reading. </p>
<p>I will return with updated news when I have it. Thank you again for caring. College Confidential is the promise of the Internet fulfilled, isn't it? Right now, I'm almost looking forward to reading people's questions about FAFSA...</p>
<p>mumbe, I am wishing you the best. I almost posted yesterday to thank you for sharing what happened and say that I have planned on talking to my son. You and everyone who has posted have helped me gain insight. Thanks!</p>
<p>Mumbe,</p>
<p>I am glad that your daughter is on the road to working this situation out for herself. I also hope that she realizes that she has dodged a bullet by the school handling it thorough their own process rather than turning it over to the authorities.</p>
<p>It is my hope and my wish that the college as part their process along with helping your daughter get counseling encourage your daughter tell her story to high schoolers and to some of her freshman peers - not as a way of ostracizing her, but so that she can say first hand that this situation is no joke, the school will take action and how she is grateful that her while her momentary walk on the wild side has its consequences, she has the chance to turn things around. I do believe that by telling her story your daughter will reflect on her experience and the lessons that she has learned and in the end the result will be some new found wisdom.</p>
<p>all the best to you and your family,</p>
<p>Mumbe, my daughter posts on this forum, and I saw her reading your story yesterday, she is turning it over in her mind, I'm waiting to hear her comments. Thank you for sharing what is a difficult time for your family.</p>
<p>I don't believe you can tell anyone what to do regarding drugs, you can explain the effects and dangers, but in the end, our children have to decide for themselves what risks they are going to take. Alcohol and tobacco are the two most dangerous drugs in this country. They cause greater health, social and economic harm than any of the other "illegal" drugs. I would be more concerned about why my child decided to get stupid at a time when she was supposed to be getting smarter and if she was feeling okay. </p>
<p>Take a lesson from my dog; when ever I come through the door, she is glad to see me, she doesn't judge me, she just is so happy I am home.</p>
<p>You're wonderful, Mumbe! Keep your good humor. This will resolve. Now, about FAFSA....</p>
<p>Patient wrote: "What bothers me is your statement that she went to the head of the disciplinary body and to security, apparently in an attempt to get them to drop the charges. To me, that smacks of a sense of privilege and of failing to accept responsibility for her actions, and basically of trying to talk herself out of a situation that she got herself into."</p>
<p>I don't know the student, of course, but I think Mumbe had it right when she wote that D was terrified. Who knows, maybe goung to the head of security was based on some notion of being privileged; even if so, it was likely based more on a panicky adrenaline rush to try to do something, anything. Most of us probably would have reacted in that way, as well as in several other ways simultaneously, at that age.</p>
<p>And if she did have any idea about special privilege I'm sure that the conversation with the head of security took care of that notion.</p>
<p>The chaplain route sounds like the right way to go, especially when he/she has encountered similar situations. Good luck, Mumbe and D.</p>
<p>patient, in re: the parents leaving kids alone or allowing drinking. My son told me that the student who hosted the party didn't mean to have a party. She invited a vew few select kids over, without the intention of drinking. My son was an early arriver so he witnessed the whole thing. As the evening wore on, word got out and more kids showed up. Eventually, someone brought beer...and then the parent's wine cabinet was compromised....and so on....you know how that goes. I guess nobody had the sense to slam the door on the boozers. This was a year ago. Perhaps they have all matured since.</p>
<p>On the flip side, I have also gone away overnight (in the past few months) on a couple of occasions. I've left him here. He calls and asks if a few friends can come over. No problems. I've said "no parties"...and he gives me the "are you nuts" look...claiming that he's seen kids trash houses where parties are held and he'll be damned if they're going to do that here. But, again, that's because he has had enough experience to know what happens with house parties. They live and learn.</p>
<p>momsdream...you (and I) happen to have very responsible sons--and savvy ones at that. Our very responsible friends once had a party for their daughter, and the same thing happened--but the parents were home and kicked the kids out who brought beer. Another friend did leave town for the weekend, and came home to find that her nice son too had had a party that got crashed--all the laptops were gone and have never been recovered. The parents in our town who have been charged, were actually permitting the drinking and were present at home. That I find mind-boggling. At one, a kid was severely beaten. At another, a kid crashed his car on the way home.</p>
<p>I guess that knowing what can happen (party crashers with alcohol), I would just never leave my teenager alone at night for more than a few hours, period. OTOH, like you, I do know my son. He wouldn't associate with people who drink, and frankly, I don't think he'd invite anyone over to begin with. Honestly though, I do not have the same level of confidence with Other Children Who Reside in My House who shall remain unnamed, and until I see a great deal more assertiveness and maturity shown, I would never leave them alone overnight, or for more than a few hours. But, we have had a few random but very serious crimes in our city in the past year or two, so I wouldn't leave them alone for that reason, either.</p>