<p>Good intro.</p>
<p>Body 1: Fine. Use a transition at the end.</p>
<p>Body 2: Emphasize the change: what was the change, again? It's a bit confusing. Use transition.</p>
<p>Body 3: Good.</p>
<p>Conclusion: Grammar mistake in second sentnece. Good.</p>
<p>This gets an 11. It's on track, though you may want to chance your first sentence in your intro. I think it's fine overall.</p>