<p>Well, my second child just left for college about 9 days ago. The day before he was to leave I had a severe allergic reaction to medication and had to be hospitalized, the timing was horrible. My husband, my daughter and my parents accompanied my son for his college movein. It really killed me to not be there, but I had to remain in the hospital until everything stabilized. Thankfully the next day I was fine.
He is a great kid, not much of a communicator, however. He can be a hard read and is on the shy side, so if he is in front of others he is even more close mouthed. I have gotten mixed signals about his liking college so far, some days he sounds thrilled, others he sounds indifferent. He is very much a kid who loves home, his family and the comforts of the familiar. He is not terribly independent and frankly is a little immature for his age. Very capable, very intelligent and can be highly driven when he wants to be.
Now being the very overly sensitive mom that I am (the one character flaw I despise about myself) I find myself losing sleep, waking up in the middle of the night, worrying like crazy. Is he happy? Does he feel like he is fitting in? I guess the normal questions most parents ask but probably not many fixate on the the way I am. He said he wants to come home today, we are about a 3 hour train ride away, because he forgot things in the hasty way he had to leave, and needs to get his haircut, needs to get "organized" as he said.....didn't say it is because he misses home, but my hunch is that, that has to be a part of it. So....how do I react? My husband is on an extended business trip and I am doing this solo......I already have stomach problems and this does not help.
My first child was his polar opposite, very independent, not sensitive, adjusted from the getgo, etc....I never really had these feelings about his adjustment, and that is surprising given that he was my first!
Sorry this is so long..........I am brand new to this site and my friend swears by this website, so thought I could get some feedback from other parents out there...thanks.</p>
<p>Yalemom, this isn't unusual. Lots of kids go through this for a variety of reasons, even the social types.</p>
<p>My advice is to let him come home, greet him warmly and give him the chance to do stuff he wants to do plus to enjoy the familiarity of home for a couple of days. </p>
<p>Then give him a huge hug and kiss (if he'll let you, lol) and enthusiastically put him on the train back to school. Odds are overwhelming that he'll adjust just fine to college and in no time it'll be YOU that's encouraging him to come home for the weekend, not the other way around.</p>
<p>Perhaps he didn't feel like he was able to properly separate from you because you were hospitalized? Not having had to say goodbye to my son yet, I'm no expert, but if he asked to come home and it was simply a train ride, I'd follow his desires. He'll no doubt do fine, but may need a more gradual separation. </p>
<p>Good luck, and try not to worry!</p>
<p>I think katliamom's suggestion is fine, but, if you are indeed a Yale mom, I have one other suggestion for you: put a phone call in to the Dean or Master of his residential college and just ask them to have his freshman counselor pay him a visit and see how he's doing. You want to be discreet, but yet make sure he isn't struggling too much. Yale is a fantastic place, but the first few days can be a little overwhelming with all the excitement, opportunity fairs, shopping period, etc.</p>
<p>Actually there are millions of kids who go home all the time. I know your son is at Yale but a lot of other universities start in late August and most everyone goes home for Labor Day weekend so I don't see where this is bad. It will give your son a chance to take back anything he needs or wants.</p>
<p>My freshman son's personality sounds like your son in some ways. He is on the younger/immature side, shy around people he doesn't know, motivated when he chooses to be--etc. He however is quite outgoing once he gets to know and like people.
He went to schoo on Aug 18th. His school is about and hour away. He came home for 2 nights last weekend, we had planned that because of a labor day event, and I think it was very good for him. We had a great time together and although he did say he was a little homesick he also said that he was very much enjoying the dorm experience, meeting new people and being on his own. Since his return to school I have heard from him only once and that was at my initiation on IM. I believe the weekend at home helped him see that home is still here and that all is good.</p>
<p>With your son leaving when you were ill I am sure he feels even a little more uneasy than the usual kid. I definately would let him come home for the weekend and I bet it all works itself out.</p>
<p>I see no problem with letting him come home. It may help him to "touch base" at home to get his bearings at Yale. Son did the same thing 2 weeks after leaving for college his freshman year. He came home for the labor Day weekend and it helped both him AND me get used to the transition.</p>
<p>Let him come home and see that you are okay. I read a post in the College Life forum from a kid who had a fear of his relatives dying before he could see them again. He probably wants to see for himself that you are healthy. FWIW: my son, who is happy at his school, came home for a weekend and was bored. I do not expect to see him soon.</p>
<p>The first son might be the one at Yale.</p>
<p>My nephew has been home 3 times already, but mainly because his grandfather became critically ill and passed away (my father). However, he is home again this weekend, and I am concerned that he isn't making enough of an effort to integrate on the weekends. My sister seems to think it's fine due to all the trauma we have all been through, and I can certainly accept that approach. He is also a kid who likes being at home and is close to his family. His college is only about 80 minutes away from home. Time will tell.</p>
<p>I don't think him wanting to come home for a weekend this soon signals any major crisis. If he wanted to come home every weekend, maybe I would take pause and wonder if he is assimilating.</p>
<p>Son 2 went to college on August 19th, and came home for 1 day on the first weekend (family gathering), and then another day the next weekend for Labor Day weekend. We are much closer to campus (40 minutes or so, no traffic) and he has a car. </p>
<p>Your son may want to pick up a few things and reassure himself (and you) that he is still part of the family dynamic. Don't underestimate the power of their own bed and maybe a hot meal made at home, either!</p>
<p>I would also let him come home. Since he isn't your Great Communicator, and you don't have a strong feeling about how he's really doing, the feeling may be mutual. It may be worth some face time for both of you.</p>
<p>If it turns out to be a frequent request, you might want to think ahead about some limits, or compromises. In fact, since you didn't get to help him move in, how about a family trip to the school for a weekend - catch a football game, or concert, or something.</p>
<p>Perhaps your son is anxious about your health and just wants to see for himself that you are truly okay. I think that would be quite normal. He wasn't there for you in the hospital, did not get a true sense of the problem, and might just want to make sure that you are well now.</p>
<p>Northeastmom has a point; while he has spoken with you and you have assured him that you are fine, his last memory of seeing you before he went off to college was you in a hospital bed (as well as your last memory seeing him off to college). It would do you both good to create a new memory. You will also give him the opportunity to articulate how he feels about going off to school and reassure him that this is a wonderful new journey that he has a head of him. Allowing him to come home would accomplish this.</p>
<p>
[quote]
He said he wants to come home today, we are about a 3 hour train ride away, because he forgot things in the hasty way he had to leave, and needs to get his haircut, needs to get "organized" as he said.....
[/quote]
</p>
<p>It's very possible that he does feel like he forgot some things and would like to make a swing back to see you as well as pick things up. Now that he's in his dorm, maybe he realizes he left things at home that would be useful--certain books, a favorite wall hanging, raingear--who knows. </p>
<p>I wouldn't worry about it at all. Actually, I'd welcome the chance to visit and see how things are going with him.</p>
<p>Yalemom, did he come home? Is all well?</p>
<p>Have you thought about heading there to visit him instead? Since you weren't able to be there for the move-in you could head up there, check out his place, buy him lunch somewhere, and let him show you around in his context as a new student.</p>
<p>Gosh....I knew I came to the right place! Well the Amtrak ticket is bought and he will be here in just a few hours....I am so happy to see him, but needed reassurance that it was OK to let him come, as my husband texted me and felt it was a mistake (but then again many men are not as sensitive to such matters-no offense to any man who might be reading this, I am speaking more to my own husband) He doesnt' have classes on Monday, so he gets tonight, Sunday and Monday home.....I can understand that he needs to get himself together and feel more organized than he did when he left, things were a bit haphazard. I just hope that is all it is, and not more. Although even if he confesses to feeling homesick, I am sure it's quite normal and I guess I have to be the voice of reason and be there to provide some gentle encouragement and support....it also makes me feel better to know there are lots of other kids going through the same things...........you all really helped me to feel much more comfortable about this, and I want to thank you. Will follow up with how things go once he is home.:)</p>
<p>I found this in a letter I wrote to S when he went away to camp 12 years ago, and it still makes sense to me:</p>
<p>"It's OK to miss the people we love when we are away from them. It is part of loving them."</p>
<p>Enjoy his time with you at home, while he re-visits his "roots" and gets what he needs to feel organized as well. I think you can handle any worries you have about whether there is anything amiss... by remembering that the roots you have given him are important, but so are the "wings." </p>
<p>If, by chance, he does seem anxious about settling in at school, do all you can to be calm about it, let him know that such feelings are completely normal and that he will be fine and will adjust with just a little time. A close friend of mine had a son who was stressed after just a week or so at school and wanted to come home. She told him that his job was to return to his dorm room and successfully get through that one night and the next day. And then the following night would be easier. And the next one easier still.</p>
<p>And, it was. I think she was a wise mom.</p>
<p>I remember when I first was married and moved halfway across the country. The first days were amazingly stressful. So many changes. I remember thinking I wanted to be home more than anything. </p>
<p>After a few weeks, I got my bearings. Still homesick, but made my way.</p>