So my friend admitted to UW a few weeks ago and has been asking me ever since to room together and because I didn’t really know what else to say, I said “yeah we should if I go there too!!” and other things like that. I just admitted to UW a and haven’t told her yet but I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think I’d want to be roommates with her… I mean yes she is my friend but I think we clash a lot and I think I’d end up hating her to be honest if I lived with her. However, it would be nice if I had a familiar face with me during my first year of college. What do you think? And if I choose not to be roommates, how do I tell her? She’s the type of person that would take it personally and be like “ok…?” Lol. Help!
Say that you value your friendship so much you don’t want to endanger it by rooming together. She can still be a familiar face by being your friend while not living together. Put the “blame” on yourself, that you’re difficult to live with if you’re expecting her to take it personally.
Agree with elliebham, you might offer to try to get in the same dorm, but that you think your friendship will be stronger if you do not room together.
You could also say that you want to expand your horizons and make new friends and would prefer to push beyond your comfort zone. Are you also concerned that if you room with her, you might make less of an effort to meet new people. Or that she might be too clingy?
I would tell her that you want to be in the same dorm, if possible, but that you both should room with new people so you have a better chance of widening your friendship group.
Freshman year is a very precious time when everything is new, and people are open to new friendships. I would want to maximize that.
That being said, my niece roomed with a friend from home and they seemed to do fine, notwithstanding some tension every so often (which could happen with someone you don’t know too).
I’m still friends with my freshman year roommate 25+ years later, and we came from two completely different parts of the country. I still remember the summer before we met - writing letters to each other!
Good luck. Just keep it positive with your friend, but don’t cave in if you really want to meet some new people.
To quote Nancy Reagan “Just say no!”.
Ok, so the onus is on you here because you agreed to it. I’m not saying this in a mean way, I’m saying in like it’s an “it’s on you to fix it” way to keep it from all going horribly wrong and you either hating her, her hating you, you living together, or a mix of the above.
Meet with her for coffee and have a frank discussion that doesn’t involve her shortcomings. Say something along the lines of “I"m excited that we’re both going to UW, but I’d like to challenge myself with regards to making friends in college, and I think it would be best for both of us if we roomed with new people so we can expand our friend circle.”
I know this sounds “mom-like”, but as I advise my kids, just strip off the momspeak and use the idea in your own words. It is a valid thing to want to expand your circle of friends in college-if you use words like “our circle” it won’t make her feel excluded.
On the other hand (just to play devil’s advocate) you may get a TOTALLY crappy roommate who eats crackers all night long and thinks you suck. There is that to consider, as well.
we spent a weekend randomly with the head of housing from U of Oklahoma last summer. Fabulous guy! His thoughts as a director: don’t room with good friends.
- you’ll have some one to turn to when you have roomate problems
- your friend group will spread; your unknown roomate will meet friends and you’ll be able to share friends; your HS friend will meet people and you can double friends.
- you can always try to live on the same floor or in the same dorm
I think you’re in an OK situation here so long as you’re totally straight with her (while remaining kind) and handle it promptly. You said you’d room with her IF you got into/went to UW, but since you hadn’t yet, it’s not as if she’s been COUNTING on it (or shouldn’t have been). Just don’t drag it out. You can say you have good news and complicated news or something like that. (It’s not necessarily BAD news that you’re not rooming together.)
Just tell her you’ve been thinking a lot about the question of whether it’s best (generally) to room with a friend as a freshman or to try to broaden horizons, and that the advice you’ve received is that it’s wiser to take a chance on someone new, because that way you’ll both broaden your horizons AND still have each other to fall back on. Make sure it’s clear that it’s not about a problem with your friendship, but just wanting to have the best of both worlds – a really good friend with you at UW, but also finding a way to engage with your new community. Same dorm is a great idea if feasible – it makes her still feel welcome.
I had a similar situation when I started college – a long time ago – but fortunately both my close friend and I were on the same page. It was great that we could meet up and share experiences with our respective roommates.
Oh, and also, if she’s “the type of person who would take it personally” that does make it more complicated – but also all the more important. You don’t need that kind of dynamic guaranteed for your freshman year roommate. Just read up a bit and feel confident in your opinion that it’s a good GENERAL practice, not just about her.
Tell her no. If you are not yet comfortable doing so, tell you that your parents are footing the bill, they like her and are glad you are friends (if true) but prefer that you spread your wings and room with someone else. I would only do this if you just can’t come out and say no.
"You know at first I really wanted to …but the more I read, the more I hear horror stories about how it ruins friendships and that is the last thing I want to do! "
Or the other thing you do is not request her as a roommate…they will not place you together if you both don’t request.
Yes, definitely don’t request her … but you also have to tell her first. Not a nice surprise.
Say – “I’ve thought a lot about it, and decided that what I really want is a traditional college experience, which includes living with, and getting to know, totally new people. We can still see each other, and do stuff together.”