My boyfriend and I have been best friends since 8th grade and we started dating my freshman year. He will do anything and everything for me, and I am the same for him. We are determined to go to the same college and we want to have an apartment together. My mom thinks I am throwing my life away because I want to make my boyfriend a part of my next journey in life. We both have want to be successful and we can stay focused. I am involved in so many clubs and play sports, plus I make straight A’s. I feel confident that us living toget her will not get in the way of our success in college. What do yall think? Do you have any suggestions on how we should go about it?
Many colleges require freshmen to live on campus and they will not allow couples together (roommates must be of the same sex). You should not make your college choice based on where your boyfriend gets in. I agree with your mother. This is your journey in life, not the two of yours.
I’m not going to tell you how to live your personal life, but if your mom is paying for it, it’s her choice.
Why do you think it’s important to live with him right away? You can certainly go to the same college and stay together without living in the same apartment.
Well, you are going to get some disappointed answers here and I guess everywhere you ask because this is the kind of topic that one should keep it between family and you.
IMO, while I consider that during your age one may think that relationships from high school will be like the Disney movies. I believe that you should be mature enough to realize that college is a different journey than high school is.
Also, if your mom is paying for college tuition and expenses, then you are still living under her choices until you start to living by you own and earning your own earnings.
Furthermore, most, if not all, colleges require that freshmen live on campus.
Are you a rising senior now? I’d say apply to the colleges that really appeal to you…the places that you believe are the right path…and let your boyfriend explore those choices as well…it could be that you both apply to only the same places…or maybe you apply but only one of you gets in…but let this be a time when you think solely about your next steps. That doesn’t mean that your boyfriend won’t still be your boyfriend. But that is your time. Use it well!
And as many have noted, most require freshmen to live on campus so this is likely non-issue even if you and your boyfriend attend the same place.
I think it is advisable to dorm in the first year because that’s a good time to get to know people and develop close friendships that can last in college and beyond. You should have your own network of people not just a network as a unit with the BF, imo. I would reconsider for later years. No one wants to think their child can’t function except as a unit without the BF. And most parents are reluctant to pay for something they don’t think is a good idea for you. It doesn’t mean your BF can’t be still a close confident. There is something to be said for waiting for things and not having to have everything you want now. And something to be said for having your own set of experiences, it doesn’t take away but enriches a relationship.
Most freshmen are commuters.
Only because you asked for our opinions… I personally would not encourage it if you were my daughter. If the school does allow you to live off-campus freshman year and you live with him, you will not be able to participate in all of the activities that take place in dorms to encourage freshman to meet other new students and to explore campus life. You would most likely hang around with your boyfriend much of the time and that is not a good way to meet new and interesting people. You will miss so much- you would be playing it safe by always having your BF to fall back on. You have only dated one person since freshman year in high school- since you were around 14! Take it from those of us who have been around a long time that this is the time of your life when you will both change a huge amount. It is the first time away from your parents and the first time you will be somewhat independent (probably not financially). By living with and hanging out with your boyfriend, you will severely limit your chance to form relationships with a very diverse group of people. You have the rest of your lives to spend together- take this time to explore new friendships! Pick your college based on your interests and don’t assume that the same college is the best fit for both of you. If you do end up at the same school, that’s fine, but give both of yourselves a chance to develop your own friendships independently of each other.
Parents carry the wisdom of life experiences that you can not yet tap into. It is like trying to say you know you will be a good mother years before you ever have a child. You think you are wise, and you quote often “I will NEVER do this or that when I am a parent”. And then you have kids, and you realize how little you know.
So you are looking at the college experience as though you know exactly how it’s all going to play out. Except that you have zero experience in attending college, meeting new people and making friends, exploring new adventures and taking classes you thought you would love and realizing you might want to change your major, etc.
Your mother, whether or not she attended college, has a completely different perspective on your upcoming college experience. She has that life wisdom that you don’t. Is she always right? Of course not. But there is value in listening and trusting this person who has loved you well up to this point, and wants only the best for your future.
The best time for meeting people, establishing friendships, trying new clubs and hobbies…it all starts with college orientation and freshman week. A lot of spontaneity happens in the dorm rooms, late night pizza runs, gab fests in your pjs, things that you can’t make happen, but that truly enrich your freshman experience. And if you are tied at the hip to another person, you won’t be as free to take advantage of these opportunities.
It’s another reason people say not to room with your best friend in college. You want to connect with others, and if your best friend is out making friends too, you will know twice as many folks when you do hang out with your friend. Same goes for your boyfriend. You don’t have to ditch him, but you do want him to have the chance to meet people that share his own interests. What if he likes to rock climb but you don’t? What if you love to go hang out at coffee shops but he thinks that is boring? Having been married for over 30 years, I can tell you it is important to establish your own identity and interests in a relationship. It is healthy to not be together 24/7.
Your college experience needs to stand on its own. Meaning, you want to be at XYZ college because it is the best place for you to engage in your intended major, the best fit for your personality, and the best financial fit for your family. And because you care about your boyfriend, you should want the same for him. You don’t want to compromise on the only college that the both of you get accepted to.
And I am sure you don’t want to hear this last thought. You may or may not still be dating/living with/married to your boyfriend when you graduate from college. Imagine you are tied to the hip to this person for a year and a half, and then he runs out of money and has to drop out, or he breaks up with you, or whatever. You want to have some established friendships and connections if/when that happens. There is more to college life than just your boyfriend, and I encourage you to think about the bigger picture for your future life.
I agree with other posters who have said you should not limit yourself to schools that admit both you and your boyfriend, but here are my thoughts if you do end up at the same school.
I lived with my BF my senior year in college. We’ve now been married for over 25 years. I don’t regret cohabitating before marriage at all.
That said, I’m really glad I had the chance to make friends my freshman year as an individual, not part of a couple. Freshman year is an exciting and busy time. You’ll have an opportunity to meet a ton of people and it’s likely you’ll both go through some minor changes as you figure out what you want out of college and adult life.
Aside from the issue that if you have a fight, or god forbid break up, you’ll have to go home to that person, being in a dorm where all your basic needs are taken care of is pretty nice. Not having to worry about paying utilities or cook and clean for yourself is freeing, and having a built-in social group to hang out with is nice as well.
Here’s what I’d suggest; ask your mom if she’d agree to a compromise. You both live in the dorms (or wherever most first year students live at your college) freshman year, then if you and your boyfriend are still going strong and you both still want to live together you get an apartment together sophomore year. My guess is that that will be enough to satisfy your mom for now.
I notice that you say that you get straight As, but you don’t say anything about his grades. This makes me suspect that you are a better student than he is, and that this is not just about living together, but also choosing a weaker college for you so he can get in there as well.
Letting you go to the best college for you, and letting you live in the dorm so you can meet new people, is the best possible test of his love for you. Put him to this test.
A close friend of mine started dating her now-ex boyfriend at the beginning of sophomore year. They were together through all of high school but did not go to the same college. A few weeks ago, after over four years of dating and a lot of talk of getting married, he broke up with her. She was devastated, but luckily she had not based her entire life around him. If they had been living together and at the same college, it would be a lot harder for her, both emotionally and logistically. The thing about dating is that you either break up or get married, and even then you could break up (ie get a divorce). Even if you think you and your boyfriend will be together forever, that could change. Stay in the dorms freshman year. If you are still together, get an apartment together, but make sure that you would have somewhere to live if you broke up and he kept the apartment.
I am paying for college. My mom lives paycheck to paycheck, so I will pay for everything. And I am realistic with myself, I certainly am not being naive with the fact that we may or may not break up. But I come from a broken family, and he is the only person that trust with everything. He is the light in my darkness.
That’s great that you are stepping up to fund your college education. How much money will you have saved up by the time you enroll as a freshman? Do you know you can only borrow $5500 in student loans as a freshman? Are you planning on getting a merit scholarship to pay for your tuition?
It is important for you to know the costs of the different schools you are looking at. And your mom will still have to fill out and sign the FAFSA forms for you to be eligible for any financial aid. If your mom doesn’t want you to live with your boyfriend in college, she doesn’t have to fill out the FAFSA on your behalf. This would make you ineligible to receive any financial aid from any college. Is your mom married to your dad? Or remarried to step-father? Your father’s income, step-father, step-mother (if applicable) will have to submit all their income information also. Even if your father is no longer in your life, you may need to produce his financial information to colleges before they will give you financial aid.
I won’t say that this is a red flag, but it is at the very least a wildly waving yellow flag.
Seriously, even if you both end up at the same college, live in the dorms. Even assuming things work out happily ever after with your boyfriend, it’s incredibly worthwhile having some experience living on your own, and seeing how you work things out on your own terms.
I think I agree with your mom. Living with your boyfriend in college is not a good idea. Time to do things for you first, find out what your strength and weakness, enjoy college. There’s plenty of time the living with boyfriend stuff later on.
I’ll just add that since you’ll be at the same college, there will be plenty of time for you two to hang out. I know a couple who has been together for years and will likely get married after college, but they still live separately. It’s nice to have your own space.
Ok, I’ll level with you. I get where you’re coming from. My backstory: I was with my ex from freshman year of high school until sophomore year of college. We were engaged when I went off to college. I thought he was the only person I could ever love. When I was looking for colleges, I was looking for places where we could live together and just realized it was not feasible unless we got married and that wasn’t something we were entirely ready for (despite the engagement). To his credit, he encouraged me to pick a college that was best for ME and not best for US so I went to a state U about an hour and a half away. It was one of the best decisions I made and had absolutely nothing to do with why we eventually broke up.
Colleges is only 4 years. That is so, so short in the grand scheme of things. If you both care about each other, then you’ll encourage each other to go to the best school for each of you, not the best for you as a couple.
For the first year at least, it is really important to stay in the dorms if financially possible. It is easier to form friendships that way, get involved, and honestly commuting even from an apartment sucks and is a discouragement from getting involved in the campus community.
After the first year, I don’t see anything wrong with living with a BF but you can expect to do it on your dime- and if mom subsidizes, that’s just a bonus.
What do you notice about all the advice you have received so far?