My father passed away years ago, I never really knew him. My siblings never got along with with me and I didn’t find them to be important to the overall issue. I want help convincing her because she’s my mother. I don’t want to regret us not talking 20 years later when I’m married or whatever. I want to leave on good terms with everyone. The only family I really have don’t live in the U.S., most of my dads familt lives in Europe and I barely know them. I was raised by my grandfather and grandmother, but my grandmother suffers from dementia now.
Is your mother currently claiming you as a dependent?
If the answer to that is no…and assuming that your mother is not going to be contributing anything financially to your college education, then you should do what you think is best for you in your situation regardless of your mother’s opinions.
Usually if an adult is a fit parent, the adult’s child is not raised by other relatives.
I would concentrate on building/maintaining a good relationship with your mother, while making clear that your college plans are set. You were already entering that period of life when the power in relationships shift from the parent to the child. Usually parents retain a great deal of power because they are paying (or helping to pay) for college or graduate school, and because as far as the children are concerned they have always had the power and that’s the natural order in the world. But as children become financially independent, and have children of their own, they acquire a lot of emotional leverage, too, and ultimately they wind up calling the shots in their relationships with their parents. Even in societies that privilege filial piety. If your mother values a relationship with you, eventually she will have to have the relationship on your terms.
It seems like in your case, the process has been accelerated by your success at obtaining a scholarship, your grandfather’s provision for you, and the fact that your mother hasn’t always controlled you, so it doesn’t simply seem like the natural order of the world. That doesn’t mean you should be mean to her, or not listen to her advice, or disrespect her in little ways. Be your idea of a good daughter, and stick to your guns on things that are important to you like going to college,
Surprisingly, in my extended family this has not always been true. I have a number of cousins and other relatives who spent meaningful time living with relatives other than their parents, without severing their relationships with their parents at all. My mother actually did that for a while in high school, living with an aunt and uncle. It helped that she was next door to her mother. Her mother – my grandmother – was a lovely, intelligent person who was saddened, but hardly disabled, by her husband’s death. She and my mother were very close after my mother got married and had children, but there was a long period of difficulty before that.
My mother even did more or less what I am suggesting the OP do: she defied her mother and grandfather’s college choice for her, and got herself a full ride to a “dream college” no one understood on the other side of the country. (And that was when the other side of the country meant days on the train, or sharing week-long drives with virtual strangers, not a few hours on a plane.) It all worked out fine, though I know there was some shouting along the way.
@BMtheAlien: I am so sorry for your losses and your situation.
It sounds like your mother is trying to assert authority over something she can’t control.
Do you live with her right now?
Can you try and reconnect with your father’s family? They may be happy to hear from you and having more family, even if you’re estranged right now, may help.
Just try writing a letter to their address (there are whitepages in Europe too)
“My name is … and WZ was my father. He talked about you fondly but as a child I never knew you
nor would I have thought of contacting you. I’m about to be an adult (I turn 18 soon) and I’d like to reconnect. My Facebook is… If you prefer writing, this is my postal address: … Enclosed is a photocopy of pictures of me with my father when I was little as well as of me now. Sincerely, … …”
Check with the lawyer asap and if s/he knows you well, see if you can go over your Financial Aid package with him/her.
Email coaches at Tiffin.
If you don’t like Tiffin, you can always transfer to any MN university after your freshman year, since your mother will have established residency.
It’ll be easier than the reverse (transfers get the instate rebate and may qualify for instate transfer scholarships, whereas transfers don’t get scholarships at private or OOS universities.)
Still, before you try to convince your mother… can you convince us? What exactly do you like at Tiffin?
Do some research (a friendly feeling is valid but won’t hold water. There are lots of friendly colleges in MN, from Concordia Moorhead to St Olaf to UMN-Morris to Gustavus Adolphus…)
@BMtheAlien thank you so much for opening up and sharing your unique situation. It really helps us strangers have a better understanding of how to speak into your life with some wisdom.
Would you say that your post title of “My mom won’t LET me go to college out of state” could more accurately be described as “My mom does not agree with my college decision?” If you have been raised by your grandparents for so many years, with mom not being a part of your daily life, it must seem weird to have her step in at this point and try to be in charge of you. The reality sounds like you don’t have a normal parent/child relationship, and that she really is not in CONTROL of you and your decisions.
You want a relationship with her, but is she even capable of a normal parent/child relationship? Or would it be more realistic for you to aim for a friend to friend, or a aunt/niece relationship? It might be helpful to find a therapist or counselor you can talk about this struggle in detail with. We posters mean well, but obviously we are not trained professionals.
There have been, and continue to be changes for both of you, and not everyone handles change and transition well. A trained professional can guide you as you attempt to have honest conversations and find common ground to base a future relationship on.
The OP’s mother may want her D to stay at home to contribute to the household expenditures.
Is your mother expecting you to pay room and board to her while you attend CC?
Would your mom agre to talking this over with a third party such as your school counselor or a teacher she knows or a therapist? She might be happier if an adult who she trusts backs your plan.
So if you have control of the college money:
My advice would be:
Talk to some other adult about Tiffin. Your “dream school” could be somebody else’s commuter school.
Figure out what you like about Tiffin. See if there are other colleges that are compatible with your GPA/SAT that may also be appropriate. ’
’
I see an 18-1 student faculty ratio that is very high.
I see a 76% acceptance rate which is also very high. You would not be with strong academic peers.
The 4 year graduation rate is 28%.
The average SAT score is 949.
To be blunt, this is not a good school. So it is not one I would go 500 miles for if I had other options.
Where do you want to end up living/working in the future? Tiffin won’t have an outstanding reputation even if you get all A’s.
My advise to OP at this point is making a decision that would be best for herself and repair whatever damage on parent-child relationship later.
On the other hand based on OP’s writing skill shown in this thread and @bopper, I cast a doubt on the actual choice of college. OP could be better off at her state university (not CC).
@bopper we have no idea what this students stats are (I haven’t seen them in this thread so far) and how far the $$ will go at a place with less merit opportunity. Sometimes I find the snobby attitudes on this forum about “non-elite schools” “reputations” and graduation rates etc. annoying.
My very talented daughter goes to Tiffin as do a whole bunch of her talented teammates who are also very good students from their high schools (and athletes). I only put so much stock in all those graduation rates and the like – a good student can be a good student adn finish wherever they go and after ones first job other than a few very select careers, most people don’t give a rats hiney where your undergraduate degree is from.
And by the way despite the ‘less than stellar’ student to faculty ratio - her classes are smaller and her professors at least if not more accessible than high school.
Not everyone can pay for the “name” schools
Well, Tiffin is cheap and offering a substantial scholarship on top of that to OP. For $15,000 /yr including dorm, it is a good deal. And Tiffin is OP’s dream school. Online survey says “Great professors that care about the education” as the #1 descriptions. I will take my doubt back.
@toomanyteens Good point…but would you choose a far away school like this? or one closer to home if that met your needs?
@bopper maybe not – with my D that goes to Tiffin we considered both far away and closer schools. I will agree that lacrosse was the driving force in even looking at Tiffin – then it came down to offers (sports), travel and finances and majors not necessarily in that order. Tiffin has a large number of athletes, many are even international. I am not clear if the OPer is an athlete or not.
Just because it’s a dream school, it still doesn’t make the choice cheaper or more practical. Out of state colleges are double or triple the cost of going in state. Getting a bachelors from a different state doesn’t make your education worth more either. It’s a bachelors. All you’re doing is paying triple for the exact same education. Sounds like your parents are being wise and saying no. Too many parents don’t have that kind of wisdom. They’re paying for your education. I would listen if I were you. Unless you get a full scholarship at your dream school, you won’t be able to pay for it anyway.
@coolguy40 whether in state options are cheaper totally depends on the state and the other options available. I assure you that in NJ our students found many less expensive options out of state - some private and some public
Agreed - in state vs OOS value is very situation specific. Our in-state flagship was the most expensive option for my daughters, and OOS private was the least expensive by far. My niece is attending an OOS public for what seems like pennies to me because of a reciprocal agreement. Your mileage may vary, of course! And I agree with @coolguy40 that something being a dream school doesn’t make it intrinsically more valuable. Qualities you find in that school can also be found elsewhere.