My over-controlling mother is out of control

Parents Forum
1

<p>Having trouble with my mother- I need a parent's perspective.</p>

<p>I've never actually had an account on here, but I browse around on here occasionally, & a lot of the parents have always given a lot of great advice I hope this time is no exception.</p>

<p>My mother is out of control, and I'm just tired of it. I'm in a very difficult situation, and I have no idea what to do about her "behavior". So I'm hoping another parent can give me some perspective, and tell me if she's being ridiculous or if I am.
During junior high and high school, I had basically "limited freedom". I studied, worked a part time job, came home, ate dinner, and that's it. I got a cell phone and I was allowed to talk to friends, but for a very limited time, same with TV and internet privileges. I was not allowed to text during class, and I could only see friends/peers if it were a.) on a Saturday (Not Sunday due to church) or b.) For a project. And if there was a project, all studying/work was to be conducted at our house. There was no dating. I did not have a lock on my door, and yes, I even had a "bedtime" in which I was expected to be in bed or at most, reading a book.
I don't need to go into further detail- I'm sure you can already image.
Even though I studied a lot, I have never been a "straight A" type of person, but I did pretty will in high school. So, of course, I was excited about the prospect of going away to college, not just because of the learning aspect, but honestly: I was actually excited about the opportunity to get away from my household, and to finally have FRIENDS for a change, to dictate my own life, etc.</p>

<p>Little did I know, my mom had made other plans; her, my dad and I sat down one day to have a talk about colleges (I'd rather not disclose where I live because I'm trying to be discreet) and I brought up some ones out of state that I had been looking up, brought up good points, had already started to fill out some of the applications. Of course, I was quickly shot down. My mom basically said that "an out of state school is OUT of the question." So over the next month or so, I BEGGED her to reconsider. Finally, she relented. And I would attend a school just one state over, my first choice.
I started college this semester. And this is where the real story begins. And although I am hours away, in another state, it's like I haven't left home really. My text messages/phone minutes are still monitered, to an even more obsessive degree. My funds are also limited to, and although I do not have a job up here, the money she is lending out to me is technically "mine", seeing how I worked two years at a job to save it. (I was not allowed to spend it). I have to call to check in with her two times a day; once before noon, and then once after. And if I don't call, she goes crazy. I had a paper I had to write a few weeks ago, and I holed myself up in my room in order to get it done. Well, I knew I was supposed to call her, but I blew it off. Then one of the women in charge of my dorm comes knocking on my door, and tells me I have a phone call waiting for me in her office. Three guesses who.
Not only that, but my roommates (I have three) each showed me messages left for them on facebook FROM my mom, because she was wondering where I was. She is constantly everywhere, wanting to talk to me, wanting to show her my grades, what I'm working on.</p>

<p>So, after all of this, I just cannot take it anymore. I'm nearly nineteen years old, and yet I'm still being controlled by my parents because "they pay my tuition". So, I've been looking at some other schools who would be willing to give me some scholarships, only because I know that my parents will not pay my tuition if I cut bot of them off completely.And if not, I can always do loans; I've found someone in the family who is willing to cosign for me in this is what I really want to do.</p>

<p>I'm just so torn. I love my mother. I love both my parents. But she's controlling, and I think it's ridiculous. Honestly, I no longer want to communicate with her, that's how much she has invaded my privacy. I was so depressed and mute during HS, and I was really looking forward to my way out. It's actually a good thing I didn't have a boyfriend: I probably would have married whoever came along, just to get out of my house.</p>

<p>Am I being unreasonable? Is she? Should I try to transfer next Fall, or should I not? I'm just so confused. Would love some help.</p>

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<p>WOW. Your mom is out there.</p>

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<p>First…your friends do NOT have to have YOUR MOM as their friends on Facebook. </p>

<p>Second…it sounds like your mom is having a little trouble letting go. She compromised with you by allowing you to go to school one state away. Is there anyway you could make a compromise on the phone calls (maybe once a day for a month, then once every two days for the next couple of months)? </p>

<p>Perhaps once she feels you are happy and successful in college, she will let up a bit. </p>

<p>Parents can be sort of funny sometimes (I’m a parent). The hardest thing to do is to try an view this from your mom’s perspective. There is something about her expectations for communication that is helping her.</p>

<p>RE: your text messages…sorry…but if your parents are paying for your phone, they probably are also looking at the bill. </p>

<p>Re: transferring…I’m not sure I understand how you will pay ALL of your college bills. Will these schools you are considering give you a full free ride…no tuition/room/board? If you “cut your self off from your family” who will pay your health insurance (if they won’t), car insurance, expenses like books and clothing, cell phone bills? </p>

<p>Try to look at the “big picture”. Is there some trusted family member who might be able to talk to your mom and you together? What about your dad? You don’t mention his stand on this situation.</p>

4

<p>Transferring will not stop your mom from trying to control you long distance.
You can ask your roommates and other friends/acquaintances to inform your mom that they are not willing to act as a go-between for her or to provide her with information about your activities and whereabouts. They can be curt, even rude, in a way that you could not be.</p>

<p>You should also tell your mom that much as you love her, talking to her twice a day is excessive and very disruptive of your studies. I should know. I tried to phone my S one evening, thinking he should be back in his apartment as it was rather late. And, lo and behold, he was still doing homework with his classmates. Disruptive and embarrassing!</p>

5

<p>Can your dad be of some help here? If even half of what you have related here is true, your mother is far out of the normal range. Is the relative who is willing to co-sign your loans willing to step in and speak with your mother? Are any other relatives or adults who are close to your mom willing to help counsel her about giving you your independence?</p>

<p>What kind of schools are willing to give you scholarships that will allow you to escape the need for parental contribution? I’m all for scholarships, but there are limits to trade-offs, IMO. While that might be an option, depending on the schools and your goals, it seems to me a better solution is to establish some personal independence from your mom–as you already know, of course.</p>

<p>For starters, how about getting a part-time job at school now, so you don’t have to account for every penny of the money your parents are providing (your money, it seems)?</p>

<p>I hope someone else has some concrete ideas for you.</p>

6

<p>What a situation to be in. :frowning: The first thing I’d do is ask your friends to un-friend your mom and not respond to her, ever, at all.</p>

<p>Also, is there someone on campus that might help talk to your mom and explain that her behavior is disruptive? She might listen to someone “in authority.” You might ask around in the counseling wing or student services.</p>

7

<p>Some of the parents on here can tell you what to do financially. Since I’m a little inept at that aspect, I’ll have to give you some other advice.</p>

<p>You are very right. And your mother is far too overprotective. </p>

<p>You are an adult, and though many college students tend to bend to their parents’ will because of the money issue, you should not have to face what your mother is doing to you.</p>

<p>She should not have the right to monitor your phone in any way. I’m sorry; for a person 19 years old, that is an invasion of privacy. If indeed you have never done anything to break her trust, then she is completely unreasonable in every degree.</p>

<p>You are involved in an very destructive relationship with your mother. Obviously, she has severely hindered your social development for many years.</p>

<p>You’re right. You need to become independent from her. </p>

<p>I know you love her and everything, but you’re not some ignorant child anymore. You’re an adult, and you mother needs to realize that. </p>

<p>The very fact that she is completely controlling you by hanging the money issue over your head shows that she needs to be stopped.</p>

<p>You need to get out of it. As soon as possible. </p>

<p>If you have options, then take them.</p>

<p>At your age your mother has no right to treat you this way. </p>

<p>You need to assert your adulthood and your freedom. </p>

<p>Personally, I think being freed from the oppression of your mother is worth some debt. If you do nothing, this will continue. </p>

<p>You were smart enough to raise this question in the first place, so I know you have it in you to change your situation. </p>

<p>You have it in your power to resolve this issue. Will it have consequences? Yes. But will you end up better off in the end? Definitely. </p>

<p>Go for it. </p>

<p>I wish you the best of luck.</p>

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<p>For the people who were asking about my dad: he pretty much goes along with whatever my mom says. He’s just as strict as her, but quieter. My mom is just more vocal and hands on about the things she does.</p>

<p>as for the scholarship situation- I’m looking into and I could get a decent amount. And I could get loans to take care of the rest. I could get a job- it wouldn’t be impossible. And if it weren’t, I’m honestly willing to get an apartment somewhere, get a job, and maybe just go to community college. I know it sounds silly and childish, but the things I posted are just a sneak preview of the bizarre, unreasonable things she does. I’ve told her to back off before. I tried to do it as respectfully as possible. But she used the whole, “Our rules don’t change just because you’re eighteen and not living in our house. You have to respect me, I’m your mother.” Not to mention, she has threatened to take away my tuition this year.</p>

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<p>I don’t think you are being unreasonable. However, before you transfer I think you need to try another approach.</p>

<p>You go into great detail about your Mom, but what is your relationship with your Dad? You need a negotiator between your Mom & you. You need to understand she cares about you and wants the best for you. She needs to understand her methods of communicating with you are distracting you from your studies. She probably doesn’t need to hear how you think her behavior impacts your social life.</p>

<p>I suggest you write a “compromise plan.” It obviously must include “check-in” times with Mom. As a Mom I’d be happy with 2x a week. Try writing a very conservative albeit not smothering plan. I suggest the check-ins be time limited (10-15 minutes) and you catch her up on more than just a syllabus. Tell her how many opportunities you are finding that you want to explore. You need to eleborate in such a manner she understands you are maturing.</p>

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<p>Hmmm. Yikes. I do have a couple of questions, though. I do know a couple of moms that communicate this much with their daughters at school, but when the moms talk about it they clearly think their daughters enjoy this much contact. But do they? Maybe not. So have you made it clear to your mom that this is disruptive? Could you make the argument that all this constant contact is getting in the way of your studying?</p>

<p>Maybe if you preemptively send her an email twice a day rather than calling (which you have less control over) she could ease up on the calls. You got your way with the college you attend, and I’ll bet if you work at negotiating this with your mom you could come to a better equilibrium. </p>

<p>The financial independence route is rather drastic. Take my word for it. I did that at 19 and it is a LOT of work, and unless you are on all scholarship your grades will probably suffer. So, I know it is painful to tell your mom the truth but I would still try to nudge her toward a lighter relationship. I doubt she wants to make you miserable.</p>

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<p>The geeky side of me is thinking, would text messages make her happy? and could you write a script that would email a text message to her phone every day at 10 and 2, a randomly chosen message from among a list you have pre-specified? “Hi Mom! I’m fine! Love you!!!” “Studying hard - All is well here!” “I’m having a good day - Hope you are too!” Just a thought…</p>

<p>Seriously though, you could use some help with that phone call expectation. If not your dad , does your mom have a brother or sister who is “reasonable”? a trusted friend or neighbor who has sent a daughter off to college and been sensible about phone calls? or how about a home town priest/minister/rabbi? It is not reasonable for your mother to expect you to phone her twice a day. Perhaps she would listen to reason if it came from a fellow adult.</p>

<p>You’re 18; could you close your h.s. bank account and open a new one in your name only if you are not happy with your access to your h.s. savings? HOWEVER, I think if your parents are paying for tuition, room, board and are having you use your h.s. summer job earnings for fun extra spending money, they might reasonably be unhappy if you appeared to be going through those summer job earnings too quickly. A job on campus would help with this.</p>

<p>Don’t forget to be thankful for the financial help they are giving you. Your parents are paying for you to go to college out of state. They could be refusing to pay at all, or only willing to pay if you lived at home and went to community college.</p>

<p>Good luck! Thinking of you and hoping this all works out well. It can be hard for a mom to adjust to “losing” her “little girl.”</p>

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<p>Forget the money that you earned that they are now giving to you - consider it your contribution to tuition. Get an on-campus job and buy yourself a phone with “pay as you go” so that no bills go to momma. Tell her you will text her once a day to say hello, and will be available to talk with her once a week on sunday afternoon. Do not sever ties with your parents, though. You will end up having a tough time of it, and you’ll all end up suffering.
edit: I was writing my post while the above poster was writing. sorry for the duplication - obviously great minds think alike! ;)</p>

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<p>Let’s look at your situation from a practical viewpoint.
If you call in twice a day, she will leave you alone the other 23 hours and 30 minutes.
You have limited access to money you earned, but you get your tuition, room, board, textbooks covered by your parents. We’re talking about 50 bucks a week, right?
Your phone time, # of texts are monitored, but they pay for your phone service.
She invades your privacy, but you have the control what she is privy to, what spin you put on information about your life.
Let’s be realistic- you have much more freedom that when you lived at home.
You can pretty much can have an independent life if you stop focusing on your mom’s controlling behaviors and start enjoying yourself.
Your mom’s world revolves around the 2 calls /day. Her whole mood is dictated on how the calls went- your poor dad.
Aren’t you acting like your mom, overreacting and whining about petty things?
Your mother cares deeply about you but cannot express it without it sounding like a lecture or admonishment.
Hopefully it will get better, hang in there.</p>

14

<p>You need to realize that you can control the situation. The first item is to acknowledge that your mom has the problem, not you. Her faulty brain chemistry compels a need to be in control. I’d say do what you need to while seeming to comply with her demands, creating an illusion of control. It’s the polite freeze-out. Call her on your way to class, and then say you have to hang up because the professor walked in, or you don’t get good reception in a certain building. When you do talk to her, use non-committal answers and change the subject rather than getting drawn into her drama. Ask your roommates to be polite but not give out any real information.
You don’t want to cut them off - there are much worse parents, and paying your own way through school is a lot worse than having to call your mom twice a day. You just need some distance.</p>

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<p>I agree you should try to negotiate for a bit less required contact. One call a day should be plenty in the short term, less of course as time goes on. Also, yes, your friends should unfriend her on Facebook.</p>

<p>Also, keep in mind this is your first semester away. I am not a controlling mom, nor do I communicate with my kids away at college every day, however the impulse to connect with them more frequently was stronger at first. It’s kind of an adjustment, getting used to them being away. I, of course, was trying to make that adjustment and it sounds like your mother is not… unfortunatey. However, it’s pretty likely that by next year she’ll have let up a good bit. Try to be patient, but still draw some lines about what it too much.</p>

<p>Since she relented and let you go away to college it shows there’s at least some willingness to bend there, but it will truly test your patience for a good long while.</p>

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<p>I suggest you get a part-time job so that you will be less dependent on your parents for money. Maybe you’ll even make enough to pay for your own phone so that your mom won’t be able to monitor your calls. I’m sure you can handle up to 10 hours a week. Think about it. </p>

<p>You can easily block your mom from your FB (or let her have access to only a limited amount of your FB info), and ask your friends to do the same. </p>

<p>I don’t recommend that you cut all ties with your parents - you truly might regret that. Instead, either continue to make those two phone calls a day (or emails or texts if that’s acceptable). Perhaps you can negotiate one call and one text/email per day. and then slowly wean her away from so much contact.</p>

<p>Good luck, miloukate.</p>

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<p>I don’t think you’re unreasonable in your conclusions that she’s too ‘invasive’. As Marite says though, that’s unlikely to stop just because you go to another school and you should avoid allowing a wedge to be driven between you and your family. </p>

<p>But you can be tactical as well -

First, get a job on-campus or near campus to get some money flowing in that you have control over. Establish your own bank account in your own name to deposit the money into. The typical campus job of < 20 hours/wk can amount to enough money that you could get your own cell phone that your mother can’t monitor. You could keep the ‘family phone’ as well but use your personal one for communicating with your friends. These funds could also easily finance your recreation - restaurants, movies, etc. and reduce your dependency on (and therefore control by) her.</p>

<p>Your mother ‘facebooking’ your roomies to find out where you are for any reason other than an emergency is downright weird. I hope your roomies ignore her. Can’t they block her? It sounds extreme but it’s bad enough for you to put up with your mom’s invasiveness - your roomies shouldn’t have to put up with it too. </p>

<p>You can also quit calling her twice a day. Just quit doing that and if she calls you don’t answer. When you finally do talk to her tell her you were busy and you can’t be calling her twice a day as if you were in 5th grade. Don’t let her intimidate you or push you around on this calling point.</p>

<p>I’m sure you can come up with other tactical approaches as well but I think the drastic move of cutting yourself off from your parents and somehow finding another college is perhaps going overboard and probably won’t be as simple as you think - especially if you plan to depend on another relative.</p>

<p>Are there cultural reasons for your mother and apparently father to be this controlling?</p>

<p>Edit - cross-posted with ‘anxiousmom’ but as you can see, many of us have some of the same thoughts and approaches.</p>

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<p>OP: I feel so bad for you. Just so you understand, she’s really only acting out what many of us moms feel when our kids leave home. We want to keep helping, guiding and protecting you; it’s pretty hard to see you growing up and not needing us so much any more. Sometimes a child being far away could make us want to hold on even tighter, as your mom seems to be doing. Fortunately, most of us also understand that as hard as it is, we HAVE to begin letting go, for your sanity, and frankly, for ours. </p>

<p>I’m going to agree with what Naturally said about getting someone on campus involved. You are too young and too involved in this to really understand the dynamics and how to deal with them. Go talk to the counseling office and/or your advisor and/or a private therapist and/or a pastor/priest/rabbi. Keep looking until you find a professional (not just your older buddy) someone who you “click” with, and who is willing to help you. There are alot of complicated emotional issues that both of you need to deal with, and you need a pro to help you with it. Plus, as Naturally noted, if your mom begins to hear “back off” from someone else, a fellow adult with authority, she’s more likely to pay attention.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your quit responses. it’s really appreciated.</p>

<p>No, there are no cultural reasons for it really. She’s just like this. She’s always been strict, kind of mean. I love her, but I never can get anny “slack” from her, and our relationship is kind of…strange. I feel like more of an employee when she addresses me than her own daughter. It’s just her manner. She loves me, I know. She just doesn’t express it and she’s not a very “warm” person.
I’m just in a point in my life where I feel like I should be happy, the whole “coming of age” type of thing. But instead I feel trapped. I get sad and I’ve cried about it. I just feel like I’ll never get away from her. I’ve considered just packing up and going, you know? Just taking off, dropping out of school. Maybe not the wisest decision but right now, I’m willing to sacrifice anything for my sanity.
Maybe I would understand her more if I thought she was doing this “for my own good”. But I just can’t see it that way due to the fact that she’s…mean. That’s the only way to describe it.</p>

<p>It means a lot to me, all of your advice. Thank thank you thank you. I’m going to try to gain a little more independence, bank account, get another phone, and try to get a job around here. I will work on it. But if it does get even more, to where I can’t handle it anymore, I will consider my other plan again. Just for my sanity’s sake.</p>

<p>As for the FB thing, my mom pushed for it with my roommates, and they awkwardly accepted. In high school, she had passwords to all my accounts, and she STILL did until I changed them a few weeks ago (following that there was a hue fight, in which she threatened the “tuition” thing.) But I did not remove her from my FB account. Just changed my pw.</p>

20

<p>I don’t think your mom sounds too controlling during your high school days (okay, only seeing friends on Saturdays is controlling, but otherwise). BUT her behavior while you’re in college is atrocious. </p>

<p>While the advice to get your own money and phone sound kind of good, don’t think that will get you out of this. Your mom may just threaten to withdraw tuition support if you get a job and claim its because she wants you to focus on your school work. What you have to do is confront your mom and start taking back a little control. This will mean big-time confrontation, and I suggest trying to get your dad involved as much as possible. Be clear about your thoughts about getting an apartment and going to community college to make your own way if they’re going to hold the tuition payments over your head. And be clear that you’ll get this apartment in the out of state town where you go to school now. You need to make the obvious obvious to them, that if they don’t lighten up a little, they’re going to lose you. </p>

<p>That doesn’t mean you have to be rude to your parents or that you plan to go wild or cut off all contact. But one phone call a day and the right to control your own money I think is pretty fair. And your parents need to be coming to you, not your roommates, if they need you for something. After years of being a dutiful daughter with good grades, you’ve earned a little respect and freedom, and if they can’t see that, well, then that means your relationship with them will rupture and no one wants that.</p>