<p>OP, this is my last suggestion. Exercise, go running, and do it regularly. </p>
<p>[Phys</a> Ed: Why Exercise Makes You Less Anxious - Well Blog - NYTimes.com](<a href=“Phys Ed: Why Exercise Makes You Less Anxious - The New York Times”>Phys Ed: Why Exercise Makes You Less Anxious - The New York Times)</p>
<p>Best of luck!</p>
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If</a> only colleges understood this regulation better (could have prevented the VT massacre 2-1/2 years ago)!</p>
<p>Unfortunately, colleges “may” provide access to the student’s info. “May” doesn’t equat “must.”</p>
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<p>Absolutely agree! I may have not worded my thoughts properly.
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True, but that also could be part of the problem, as we project our own situations and feelings, instead of examining those of OP.</p>
<p>There were a few points in her original post that gave me a pause:</p>
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Does not sound too unreasonable to me. In fact, many parents consider this necessary. And as a mother of 2 girls, I know that “unlimited” phone time can mean literally hours.
Huh?? I find it hard to believe that anyone would even list it as a “restriction on their freedom”…
Well, we have no locks on any doors in our house, except for the bathrooms. And as for bedtime - was it 9pm? or 11pm? That would make a difference, no?
Not that everyone has to get straight As, but when stated this way, it makes me feel that the academic expectations were not met “automatically”.
So all it took is a month of “begging” to turn an “out of the question” into "first choice OOS school? Does not sound all that “draconian” to me…</p>
<p>So yes, we only hear one side of the story, and from that side the mother sounds controlling, and often unreasonable, but not as big of a monster as some of the posters here make her to be.</p>
<p>I feel it is not productive or helpful to the OP to try to decide whether or not her mom is “normal”–this is the mom OP has.</p>
<p>The OP has this mom for the rest of her life. She may not be able to change the mom, but she can change herself and find the way to carve out her own independence and autonomy in a way that is positive and helpful for her future without riling the mom and making it worse.</p>
<p>The first thing is not to antagonize the mom! This is a “chinese finger trap” situation. If the OP cuts contacts or blocks contacts it will only increase the mom’s anxiety and vigilante behaviors.</p>
<p>An intelligent move is to give the mom the reassurance she needs to calm her anxieties. </p>
<p>The OP sounds very wise in saying at Thanksgiving she will talk with her parents. If in the intervening days she can send regular updates in texts to her mom, and especially say things like, “thank you so much for sending me here, i love it” and “i can’t wait to see you and tell you all about it at Thanksgiving” – the mom will be mollified and more likely to be receptive to establishing of new boundaries and greater independence. Pay into the mom’s “account” and she is more likely to pay out in the terms the OP seeks.</p>
<p>The OP sounds smart and wonderful; she can think of this as applied negotiation skills which will benefit her in the business world or whatever line of work she enters at graduation.</p>
<p>The goal is to find what will work for both (the “win-win”) that will give the OP room to breathe and live her own life more freely, without aggravating the mom’s worst behavior.</p>
<p>I am willing to bet that if the OP tells her mom that she is too busy studying and getting to class and meals to text twice a day, but that she will check in by text once per day (or every other day?) and schedule a phone call once per week on Sundays, that it will be acceptable. </p>
<p>I think also that if the OP presents to her mom her great appreciation for how her mom helped her manage her money so that it was all saved up and ready for her use in college and now she would like to learn to manage it herself, she will also be given more latitude there.</p>
<p>These are suggestions for negotiation tactics that should get the OP what she wants.</p>
<p>^Sure nngmm those things in and of themselves don’t sound THAT unreasonable or medieval, but couple those with the “she goes crazy” if I don’t call her twice a day at the appointed time and starts leaving facebook messages for her friends and calls the school and wants to contact her profs, and threatens her with pulling financial support, etc., then we get into something a bit more controlling and unreasonable and that also seems to be escalating instead of easing up now that the OP is older and out of the house. I don’t think I’m projecting. The OP’s situation is nowhere near as bad as mine was. And I’m not suggesting cutting ties–I’m urging a negotiated peace process for the betterment of both parties. So, I don’t think I am out of line in the least.</p>
<p>nngmm, I have to agree. I didn’t go there in my pp.</p>
<p>We don’t have texting enabled on any of our phones, but who knew that was such a crime. And we don’t let our kids stay up all hours of the night to perfect their homework to some ridiculous degree or to Facebook. I thnk we’re helping them understand how to take care of themselves by getting a good night’s sleep. And here I thought that was a good thing. And we don’t have locks on our bedroom doors either. </p>
<p>The expectation to have a college-age kid call twice a day is over the top, but some of these things listed as hardships and evidence of an over-controlling mother lessened the credibility of OP for me.</p>
<p>ETA: I feel like I’m being harsh on OP and don’t mean to be. We all bring our own baggage to things. I married into a dysfunctional family, and I see dh’s siblings repeating the same behaviors they say they hated in their parents. If you asked one of them, they’d relate stories of how they are the victim or the good guy or whatever in their new family dynamic, and they’re oblivious to how they’ve created these situations. I just don’t want OP to make mom the bogeyman and source of all evil to the exclusion of the role the dad is playing in helping create this dynamic. And OP is old enough to start looking at how she is buying into the situation that is being created. When I met dh in college, he already was seeing a therapist to work out his issues. He and the sibling who did that are much happier/healthier than the two siblings who didn’t. Good luck to OP!</p>
<p>Even though some of things the OP says her mother does seem okay (like setting a bedtime; limited time on the phone in high school), I think it is the other things that are bothering most of us posters; the wanting to have contact with professors is especially strange and NOT okay and contacting the roommates on the computer like it is their job to keep up with her daughter and relay messages to her from her mother.</p>
<p>if you are not familiar with toxic relationships (and thank your lucky stars that you cannot relate to this), I’ll try to give a bit of insight into mom’s mind:</p>
<p>Mom sees her own needs as most important and will stop at nothing to satisfy her needs. If she has not heard from her daughter, she will not think twice about contacting: friends-dorm director-professor or whatever to get the contact. She has no shame, she knows no boundaries.</p>
<p>It’s really hard to explain this type of dysfunctional relationship. And if you need a primer in it, you are truly lucky. Those of us who have been through it understand 100% what the OP is going through.</p>
<p>stringkeymom is making some excellent points. It may be beneficial to the OP and siblings to negotiate through this minefield for the next few years. But please try to understand how mom’s mind works. It really will help you get through the next few years if you understand your mom and her psychological make-up.</p>
<p>again- get counseling and be strong!!</p>
<p>I think the credibility issue is a big part of the problem. </p>
<p>I have 2 kids who are college graduates, and one still in college. One graduated from what is considered one of the most demanding schools in the country academically.
Did they call me twice a day? Sometimes (when they wanted something from me). I certainly did not expect it or ask for it. But were they so busy studuing that they could not find a minute to call if they wanted to? Please!</p>
<p>So yes, I think it is unreasonable to demand from a college student to call twice a day. But it is also ridiculous to say that you don’t have time to do it because you are “too busy studying”.</p>
<p>OP, you have my sympathies. I also have a controlling mother and her controlling nature has permanently damaged our relationship. In some ways, my high school years were pretty relaxed (I had no curfew, bedtime, or tv restrictions), but she also randomly monitored my phone calls, regularly searched my room, and more than once followed me when I was out with my friends. When I went off to college, she really wanted me to live at home and go to a nearby college. I told her that wasn’t going to happen and that I was very interested in two colleges, one several hours away and the other out of state. She told me that wasn’t going to happen, so we compromised and I attended a school an hour away. </p>
<p>Cell phones and internet wasn’t that common, so I didn’t have those issues. However, she would call constantly. If I didn’t answer, she would keep calling until I did answer and, by that time, had worked herself up into hysterics. She would be angry and sobbing and demanding to know where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing. After about a semester of that, I finally told her she needed to back off. That sounds cruel, but she was honestly calling me 10+ times a day and every time I didn’t answer, she would become more and more convinced that I had been murdered (her words). </p>
<p>She calmed down for the next year, but things blew up after my dad died. I was informed that I was going to quit school and come home to be with her because she was now alone. When I told her I wasn’t going to do that, she told me that I would be cut off financially, then and in the future. I called her bluff, things got heated, and we ended up not talking for almost a year. </p>
<p>Once we reconciled, things basically went back to the way they had been with the constant contact and the hysterics. When I hit 23, she managed to get the phone numbers of my friends and my place of employment. If I didn’t answer her phone calls or call her back immediately, she would start calling everyone who knew me, no matter what time of day. It’s incredibly embarrassing to have your friends calling you at 3 am and telling you to call your mom.</p>
<p>The last straw finally came when I was 24. I had the flu and missed her calls. She got so panicked that she called the police, who came knocking on my door. Well, we had it out after that. I told her it was simply not acceptable for her to be calling my friends, calling my employer, or calling the police if I don’t answer her phone calls. Her response was that I was her daughter and it was her right to keep tabs on what I was doing. </p>
<p>I’m now in my late 20’s and it’s only been within the past couple of years that she’s finally backed off, but the damage is done. I dread her phone calls and try to avoid them as much as possible. I try to limit our phone calls to one every 2-4 weeks. I live a couple of hours away and visit about 4 times a year. I love my mom and we get along now, for the most part, but we will never be close like some mothers and daughters are.</p>
<p>I have no advice for you, though. I attempted several times to slowly and gradually reduce her influence and it didn’t work. I attempted talking it out like rational adults and that didn’t work, either. I will say that I would start working on it now, because you really don’t want to be out of college with her thinking she can still have that kind of control over you, because it will only end badly.</p>
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<p>I still think it is common sense if you are letting everyone know that you are going to be at a party then why not people who care for you and will be able to arrange for a back when in need. Not all children parent are 5000 miles away. </p>
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<p>That is the point if you yourself can’t see the benefit of informing govt. of your international travel how can your children will be able to see the benefit of informing you about there whereabouts.</p>
<p>You need to show your children the percieved benefits. You visit a country and there is an earthquake there, US govt. if know you are there will be able to look for you, evacuate you. Trust it, since you can’t trust the govt. that is why your children can’t trust you with the information.</p>
<p>Knowledge is the power, If you don’t know anything about your children, you can’t help them. If you know then you can provide the help but you need to be intelligent enought to not interfere unless required.</p>
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<p>Oh please. I just took what was the hardest midterm in my entire university career. Studying for it LITERALLY and metaphorically consumed my entire life. I didn’t do anything else other than eat, sleep, breathe, and study constitutional law. For like a week. About 18 hours later, I don’t EVER want to hear the word “substantive due process”, “logical nexus”, “commerce clause” or “necessary and proper” again.</p>
<p>It’s perfectly reasonable. University is a lot harder than high school.</p>
<p>While it’s true that the mom’s restrictions on phone use and texting during class time when her D was in high school was totally appropriate, her behavior now is not. The OP may be self-dramatizing somewhat, but if the mom is trying to control her D through Facebook, her friends and maybe even her profs, that is really unacceptable.
I doubt very much that the OP’s mom expects only a 5 minute phone call to tell her sweet nothings. It sounds to me that the OP dreads getting the third degree with every phone call. This–rather than the actual time spent on the call itself–is what I call disruptive.</p>
<p>POIH: My S was attending college a mere 15 minutes walk away from our home. But it never crossed our mind to ask him to tell us when and where he was going to a party. It would have been the same if it had been a D instead of an S. Both H and I attended college in the US, very far from our countries and families. At the time, our dorms had one pay phone per floor, and long-distance calls were prohibitive. We and our parents just communicated by snail mail–which was even slower than it is today. If we wanted news of one another, we had to possess our souls in patience.</p>
<p>hahaha, futurenyustudent,
maybe you should have called your mom in the middle of it. She could put things into perspective and make you feel better ;)!</p>
<p>lol, she would have said, “You know law school’s going to be even harder than that. Study harder!” 
(for the record, she wasn’t so keen on me going to law school but I said “I’m going and you can’t stop me”, now she’s much more keen on it)</p>
<p>I keep using legal words like “logical nexus” and “necessary and proper means” and “arbitrary and capricous” in my day to day conversation. Is that bad?</p>
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<p>The point is to not demand but to have the children understand the value of providing information. If they choose to provide the information then well and good if they don’t then also it is fine.</p>
<p>It is like US govt. travel site, it is there, if you volunteer your information about the travel you will get the benefit, if you don’t then no one cares.</p>
<p>I had lived in dorm 2000 miles away from my home but if I had the access to call, I would have called. Technology adavancement is there for your own good. Use it or loose it.
Texting doesn’t take any time at all. </p>
<p>The concept of ‘Twitter’ is to let the whole world know what are you up to but you are against letting parent know what are you up to.</p>
<p>There is a disconnect, technology advancement is here to keep people in connection. People are flocking to FB, and even CC to make virtual relations. But you are trying to tell OP to cut off real relations. You expect your virtual friends to say hi to you on FB but you don’t want to do that to your mom.</p>
<p>You want people to follow you on ‘Twitter’ but you don’t like your parent following you about your where abouts.</p>
<p>I think people need to grow up. I know not every one is equally intelligent but I never expected so many of such cases on CC.</p>
<p>marite,
I agree that the mother’s behavior now seems unreasonable and controlling. But since the daughter seems to think that the restrictions imposed on her in HS were equally “crazy”, I can’t help but think that the mother may have some reasons for concern. (This does not justify messages on FB, or calls to the RA. But we don’t know everything.)</p>
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Yes, the instant communication, with all its countless benefits, makes us all a little insane. We come to expect to be able to reach everyone instantly, and when we can’t, we assume the worst…</p>
<p>POIH, so what do you think of the idea of implanting a small GPS device in our children that they keep for life? Only parents (and other previously authorized people, like the government, if we so choose) would be able to access the positional information. </p>
<p>Think of the advantages: No kidnap victims, nobody lost in earthquakes, and no need to guess whether your D is attending the class she is supposed to attend, or instead is still sleeping in her dorm room. Maybe she overslept? The alarm clock didn’t work? Hey, why not call her up to remind her?</p>
<p>I don’t see the value of my kids telling me where they are going. If they were traveling, yes, I would want to know. But going to a movie? to a party? Is that the same as going to a foreign country? Maybe it is for the mom, who knows? :)</p>
<p>VP: What a neat idea! The virtual string never that never can be cut!</p>