<p>Can’t really add anything to this thread but my support. So sorry for your unhappy relationship, miloukate. Your mom sounds as if she has a personality disorder or possibly a mental illness. It’s a tough cross for kids to bear when their parents have either condition. I give you much credit for maturity and emotional strength in being able to say that you still love your mom, and for recognizing that she loves you, in her way.</p>
<p>I’m wondering - how do you envision your future relationship with your parents once you’ve graduated and are self-supporting? What kind of (realistically possible) relationship would you like to have with them as an adult?</p>
<p>Are you eligible for federal work study? If so, many colleges have a program that pays college students to tutor elementary school kids. If pressed, you could tell your mom that it’s a once or twice a week community service project, and not mention the getting paid part.</p>
<p>Another vote for staying in school and let your parents pay for it. I would get a part time job, open a separate bank acct, get your own cell phone, and get a summer job away from home. I would also continue to call her, she seem like the kind of person who would try to tighten hold the more you try to fight her. I would ask all of your friends to de-friend her, she wouldn’t get notified when that happens. When she asks you about it, just play stupid. </p>
<p>Over the break, maybe get an adult to have a conversation with her about it. It could be at a holiday get together. </p>
<p>Aunt Susan, “How do you like school? Do you get a chance to speak with your parents often, I know your mom misses you a lot?”
You, “Yes, we still speak often, I call my mom 2 times a day.”
Aunt Susan, “2 times a day! How do you find time to do that? Your cousin barely has time to call me a few times a week.”</p>
<p>Aunt Susan could continue to make a big deal about it in front of other friends and relatives about how often you call home, and how abnormal it is. At least your mother would get the point that SHE is being unreasonable.</p>
<p>I also agree with suggestion about going for counseloring for yourself. You are not weird for feeling the way you do. It must have been difficult growing up like that.</p>
<p>Sounds like your mom loves you…
and you have been a responsible, respectful daughter who loves her mom.</p>
<p>Perhaps either your dad or a counselor could help with an intervention…</p>
<p>You haven’t given reason to be so heavily monitored (like recovering from drug abuse etc) so yes, get someone to help you discuss this…explaining how your track record has been great, and you are ready for more freedom…</p>
<p>Once a week is more than enough to talk with mom unless you need to call for something…
and
Since your parents are paying the tab–at least getting info on your grades at the end of the semester is a thoughtful thing to do–</p>
<p>I think if you handle it with love, and an adult counselor to help her see the light…it will go fine. There are so many dangers in the world and she obviously worked hard to protect you and help you be successful… I don’t think she ever meant to be so controlling, but she probably needs a little help letting you go and finding ways to hande her anxiety/issues in a healthy way …does that make sense? She needs to see how she is pushing you away now because she isn’t letting go.</p>
<p>I think you need to exercise some “tough love” and do whatever you can to remove yourself from your mother’s sphere of influence. Think of it this way: parents use tough love on children whose behavior is damaging to themselves and their families, by separating them from the family home, by whatever means they think is appropriate.</p>
<p>If you really want to maintain the love you have for your family, then for the time being, I think you need to separate yourself from them, establish your independence financially and live on your own terms for a while. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of corrosive patterns of family interaction.</p>
<p>I just want to add one or two things that I don’t think have been said. First my DD is a college freshman. I have asked her to call everyday if possible. I have told her that I realize some days she is just too busy. But she initiates our daily phone call. If I miss her call, I will return her call but I don’t want to interrupt studying, meals etc. just to check-in. Somedays we only talk for 2-3 minutes other days we talk for 30-45 minutes.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone who says you need some outside support. Personally I think you need a “team”. I would include counselling people to your school, a clergyperson if you are church goers and a medical doctor. Could mom have a medical problem…depression, menopause come immediately to mind. What about your parents marriage? Are they happy? Do you have siblings? Does she work/volunteer/have hobbies? I’m not trying to make it sound like she is your problem but she needs to find something to fill her time.</p>
<p>Also definitely have your rommates de-friend her. That is anything boundary DD and I have. I am her friend. But I never post on her wall.</p>
<p>I don’t think monitoring your text phone call minutes is necessarily controlling. Is she somehow reading the texts? Thats a little different than just looking at the bills. We always looked at our child’s phone bills for clues about behaviours, and to see if there were any signs of self-restraint. :).</p>
<p>If the objective of her intrusiveness is to control you academically, then maybe you can “negotiate” your way out by agreeing to “acheivement” benchmarks…e.g. GPA. If you make the cutoff, you don’t have to call (so often). This only works if what she is worried about is academic performance. If shes worried that you’ve been smoking dope during lunch, or sleeping with your boyfriend, then your negotiating ability is probably nil. </p>
<p>I’ve known some people who behave a little like what you’re describing. They can be very different from one another. Some are complete bullies and will “run over” you if you dare to try to stand up to them. Others are simply needy themselves and may be suffering from GAD (general anxiety disorder) and worry about everything all the time. (Frazzled above has a possibly accurate point–really.) In either case, they usually can’t “help” themselves, and you’ll have to figure out how to negotiate your way out of this.</p>
<p>Hit youtube and watch Trace Adkins “You’re gonna miss this”. Your situation might be an extreme one, but it is part of something that all kids and parents experience. I know that his sentiment doesn’t apply to all situations (I’m well aware of one where it doesn,t), but I liked the song and the video that went with it. It more for parents than for kids. </p>
<p>I agree - Please stay in college and let your parents pay for it. Or join the service and go to school later via the GI Bill. Anything else is risky, IMO.</p>
<p>She threatened to take away your tuition. Ask your dad if that would really happen. Part of what keeps your controlling mom ‘in control’ is the secrecy. (My mom threatened not to buy school supplies when I was little; I told Dad and he had it out with her. He made the money, after all.)</p>
<p>Can you reassure her occasionally about what she’s really worried about - sex, drinking, whatever - let her know you are focused on serious study, not going to H in a hand basket? Otherwise, I really don’t think you can change her. Focus on yourself. Get your education. Toe her line for a few more years, then you will be self supporting and she’ll have to recognize that you are independent and I suspect she won’t intrude - or if she tries, she won’t succeed because you won’t be supported by her at that point.</p>
<p>I had a problem mom and I sympathize, but please try to recognize that you could have worse problems. Your folks are giving you tens of thousands for school, and one can’t really expect that to come w/o some expectations, however absurd, embarrassing, even humiliating. Good Luck!</p>
<p>It seems like your mom does have some personality issues that are not going to change. I’m not here to play psychiatrist, but seeing that very rigid controlling manner makes me believe that your mother is just unable to change her ways.<br>
The only thing you can control is how you respond to her. I strongly suggest you read Toxic Parents (I sometimes need to deal with my toxic sibling)- so I realize that there are just some situations where YOU CANNOT CHANGE the person you are dealing with- but you can set up boundaries and take control over how you relate to your mom.<br>
I hate to tell you this, but with some people- they are incapable of changing. Unfortunately, I think your mom may be one of those people.
And just on a practical matter, I think it is wise to get a campus job- make some extra money- get you own phone and be a bit more independent. But just realize that your parents may receive your 1099 tax form at home and will realize that you have a campus job. Just be able to show them where the money is going. Your mom may not want to know that you have your own phone and you are trying to be on your own. She may see this as an act of defiance. When dealing with toxic relationships, you need to be 3 steps ahead cause the behavior patterns become extremely predictable and often lead to confrontation when you challenge your mom.
When dealing with toxic relationships just remember–
your mom is not going to change. You can only control how you respond to her.
stay strong- get counselling- and learn as much as you can about toxic relationships. The more info you have, the better off you’ll be able to handle yourself.
stay strong - stay strong- stay strong and don’t let mom destroy you. </p>
<p>I don’t want to sound melodramatic, but they use the term “TOXIC” relationships for a reason.
marny</p>
<p>So many great ideas here. Oldfort focused on what practical items need to be taken care: get a part time job, open another bank account, start making plans NOW for the summer. I know lots of kids who have been camp counselors and LOVE it. But PLEASE go talk to a counselor today. You will feel much better when you realize that you do not have to handle this alone. Good luck!</p>
<p>Re: post #49: A couple of ideas about receiving your cell phone bill and 1099s/
w2s:</p>
<p>1) You might be able to opt to receive your
w2 or 1099 on line instead of in the mail; my employer offers that option.</p>
<p>2) file a change of address for yourself with the post office (it’s easily done on line, and you can indicate that the change is for your mail alone, so your family’s mail will not be affected). You can always send your family anything they need to see; for example, if the tuition bill comes to you at school, you can tell them that it’s standard operating procedure, etc.</p>
<p>boysx- receiving info on line may be helpful, but if mom reads her e-mails than she will have access to 1099 info. Also Post office verifies info with customer via letter. So if mail is still directed to her permanent residence (parents home) that info will be known to mom too. Only reason I know about PO address verification is that my mom is a snowbird and we constantly have to have her mail re-routed from NY to Florida and back. Nothing is as simple as it sounds.</p>
<p>I barely talk to my mom maybe twice a month. That’s if I’m lucky. I don’t care how you do it, it needs to stop. And on second thought, don’t threaten suicide. People in prison have more privacy than you.</p>
<p>I did not even read any of the other posts but I can only say that although your mom “seems” to be a bit much I will assume she has her reasons. You must have given her some reason to feel that she needs to be this much involved in your college life. If you start not taking the phone calls and digging your heels in you may end up in the same spot my daughter is in. I pulled my daughter out of school because her behavior and grades were not what we expected from her when we sent her to school.
Just give some real honest consideration as to what you might do to ease your mothers fears. I would bet that if she shes you doing well in both your academics and your personal life she will begin to let go.</p>
<p>The OP says she could not see friends on Sunday because she had to go to church. Is the pastor of the family’s congregation a reasonable human being? If so, I’d suggest contacting him/her, explaining the situation and asking for advice.In most faiths, there’s a degree of confidentiality involved in any communications with clergy, so it’s unlikely that your pastor will feel free to call mom without the OP’s consent.Just say up front that you want your call to be confidential. </p>
<p>But do say that your mom is so controlling that you are seriously considering quitting college, getting a job, and cutting off all contact with your family. You do know it’s a drastic step and one you are reluctant to take. </p>
<p>It may not work, but…it might. Just based on what the OP has said here, I think it’s more likely her mom will listen to her pastor than it is she will agree to family therapy or pay attention to what the OP tells her is the normal amount of contact between college kids and parents. </p>
<p>Then go rent some DVDs of the Gilmore Girls. Rory has a good friend named Lane Kim. Mrs. Kim is much like the OP’s mom. She’s willing to let Lane go to college–as long as it’s a Bible College. She doesn’t like the fact that Lane plays in a rock band. She doesn’t want Lane to date. There are bumpy patches, but they end up over the course of several years working out a compromise. Sometimes it helps to be able to see the humor in your situation.</p>
<p>I don’t think I have too much to add to what the other posters have said, but I do feel strongly that you are too important to your mother. Does she have any interest of her own? Does she work outside the home? If not, she’s really afraid of losing you, so the more you try to move away, the tighter she holds on to you.</p>
<p>Another consideration – especially since you mentioned church every Sunday – is that she’s concerned about your “virtue” and therefore wants to keep a tight rein on you so she can “protect” you from the evils in the world. Of course we all know that the best “protection” you can have is to encounter issues and deal with them yourself, but Mom might not realize that.</p>
<p>I agree with this. Make plans in case she ISN’T bluffing, of course. Scholarships, the army, anything. College without parental money would be tough, but you sound stressed out and miserable; I think it would be worth it to do it on your own, if it came to that.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>There is absolutely no reason to assume that the OP “must have given her mother reason” to worry. Just because most parents are reasonable human beings with their kids’ best interests at heart does not mean all parents are.</p>
<p>I totally disagree with momma-three; there are no “reasons” for her to treat another adult she loves in such a way. I also agree with another poster, that the limits set in high school, while strict, were not invasive or disrespectful. However, the demands of checking in at certain times and the involvement in your coursework shows that your physical distance has set off some kind of strange reaction in her. You really should ask your Dad if her behavior at home has changed also. </p>
<p>I will confess to something I did as a mother…my son in HS went to a summer program at a Univesity for 4 weeks and did not write/call/text/email for 12 days! There was no cellphone reception so I hacked into his email account and saw that he was emailing friends so I knew he had access. I sent a “reply all” to one of his messages saying “Your Mom has Hacked your account… email her immediately or you will regret the consequences”… </p>
<p>He was justifiably outraged and embarrassed. However, he has agreed to contact me on Sundays or at least email to say he can’t talk on Sunday when he is at college…that is all I am asking after 18 years of love and caring. But I did snap when he went AWOL and I couldn’t physically see him…it just seemed scary and it was wrong of me to hack his account…I was hurt, angry and worried and my behavior showed it. Perhaps your mom has “snapped” in a more significant and sustained way. I felt better when my son pointed out that I had gone tooo far but that he would try to allay my fears when he was “out of sight”. The calll has to be a real effort to describe what I can’t see because I really miss him.</p>
<p>Start with a once a day call–but make it more than just a check in–tell her about your day, describe your roomates, share your good and bad moments. Don’t resent the call…think of it as a way to put her fears to rest…the more you share the less she will demand. Just try it but also check in with Dad to see if everything is ok at home.</p>
<p>miloukate:
You are also being uterly harsh to your mom. This is what I’ve told my DD who’s mom is equally paranoid like your mom.
Cell phone is there to let people, who care about you, aware of your location. It doesn’t take long to type ‘ily’ to acknowledge any message.
I’ve told DW to give DD 30 mins window to return messages.
Make it a habit to send a message when you get up and go to sleep, it should not take long typing ‘ily’.</p>
<p>Don’t make it sound that your mom is unreasonable or an evil. She is doing this out of her love for you. You are blowing this out of proportion. If you cannot handle your loving mom it will be impossible for you to handle any one else in the world.</p>
<p>Grow up, don’t run from it. Think through it and you will be able to find a balance. Your mom is no where as paranoid as DW used to be. But with the help of a mature DD and some wisdom on my part we were able to find a balance. DD is happy, DW is happy and so I’m happy too.</p>
<p>Talk to your dad and try to find a balance between your and your mom expectations.</p>
<p>Make her understand that no news is good news. Calling her and asking her for more money every time should do it. Make her dread answering your phone calls. She’ll stop eventually. After a while my mom got that point.</p>