My over-controlling mother is out of control

Parents Forum
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<p>ParentofIvyHope: the OP <em>is</em> trying to grow up and not run from it. And I wouldn’t necessarily assume that everything a parent does is automatically “out of love” for their child. Toxic behavior stems from a person’s own dysfunction. </p>

<p>miloukate:</p>

<p>1) I agree heartily that it’s time to get a college counselor involved, for parental and academic advice and support. You don’t need to grapple with this by yourself, and I imagine that all college counselors have heard of situations like yours, and much worse. </p>

<p>2) I was self-supporting all through college, as hundreds of thousands of students are. It’s really not the end of the world, and the freedom from interference? Priceless. That said, I agree that the cutting-off-tuition threat may be hollow. But what a terrible threat!</p>

<p>3) I applaud you for trying to change the situation, instead of running away from it by getting into self-destructive behavior, as so many people do. You have a lot of courage.</p>

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<p>You should get her to post in the parents forum and vent her anxieties. We all are nervous and anxious about our kids at school. We just check CC twice a day instead of bugging our students twice a day.</p>

<p>And I too applaud the way you are coping with this mess.</p>

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<p>I like liemane’s idea of putting your thoughts in a letter with careful thought.
There needs to be a middle-ground that you should come to and I am hopeful that is possible with a bit of patience. Please be up-front, rather than taking a phone sneakily, or filing taxes from a different address etc… Just be humble and put your thoughts carefully on paper.</p>

<p>Please do not try to abandon your parents. You might regret later on.
Be happy that they are paying your tuition and want to know your welfare.
Would you rather have a mom who doesn’t care?
You can come to a compromise on the length/frequency of calls. It might be just for her to reassure that you are safe. She for some reason, is afraid that you are not ready for the real world all by yourself!</p>

<p>After all, the mom is probably just ‘trying’ to do her job right. She probably hasn’t developed enough trust to let go her daughter. The daughter needs to put in the effort to let her develop that confidence. Please consider that angle, and put your thoughts together, reassuring her that you can handle well. Prove that and she might be willing to leave you alone. </p>

<p>Poor mom is not able to let her daughter go, for she is just afraid! So, please build her confidence in you!</p>

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<p>I haven’t even read the whole thread. Your mom is psychiatrically ill. I would talk to someone in the counseling department, and see if anyone can intervene with your mother. She needs help.</p>

<p>My mother had psych. issues (this was 30 years ago) and I did not go to college then at all, to get away from her. That was not a good solution! </p>

<p>Enlist the help of someone on campus to figure out how you can get the educational experience you deserve, but you should be able to go at least a week without talking with your parents, and you deserve privacy in every aspect of your personal life.</p>

<p>If you are over 18, it is not even legal for your mom to be involved in your life, and the college cannot talk to her without your permission.</p>

<p>If they can’t do that, they need to change, not you.</p>

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<p>Your mother probably learned how to be a parent from her parents. Maybe she thinks this is the way to be a parent? She is probably afraid for you in some way and it comes out in this controlling manner. If you listened to every “horror” story about what can potentially happen to your child at college (in particular) it would drive you a bit crazy. She may be very susceptible to the “worst case scenario.” </p>

<p>Since there is a religious component to how you were raised, I too, would suggest seeking some guidance there unless, of course, the church culture is so extreme that it could be influencing some of your mother’s fears and behaviors. I would also agree that you should seek some advice and direction from your college’s counseling services.</p>

<p>I know that you feel that you are on a short leash, but maybe there are ways to wean your mother off of some of her behaviors. Try turning a phone call into a text, for example. Instead of her calling you, send her a message saying that you are ok and add a smiley face and tell her you will call her at another time! Keep your conversations short and positive–say you have to go work on a project or something like that to end the conversation. Seriously, you have to diffuse some of her anger and anxiety and in order to do that you have to anticipate what she needs and deliver it before she gets crazy. If you feel more in control it will be easier for you to cope.</p>

<p>I understand the feeling of wanting to be free, as well. Start by getting a job. You don’t need anyone’s permission to get a job, do you? There are pay as you go phone plans that are very inexpensive and you could use this as a way to text your friends and maintain some privacy. How obsessive is her monitoring of your phone? When you are home does she take your phone and read the texts? You should delete all of your messages on your phone to prevent that. </p>

<p>I think the worst of this is her calling/facebooking of your friends. This is unacceptable. I would never FB my D. My D’s former roommate’s mother friended my D and does write on her wall and I find it weird and uncomfortable. My D says she likes her ex-roommate’s mom and doesn’t care because there isn’t anything on her FB that she wouldn’t want anyone to see–even me. My D’s ex-roommate has had some issues with depression and her mother has also called my D and asked her for help which I also am a bit unhappy about. Her mother told her D last year to find a new roommate for this year because she wasn’t making any friends other than my D. And this year my D is still somehow her only lifeline and her mother stills contacts my D so I don’t know what she was thinking. Honestly, I would never impose myself on someone else’s child like this. You need to explain to your mother as calmly as you can that this is an intrusion on your friends and she has to stop. She may get angry but I think if you find other ways to appease her it will work out. Your friends should “unfriend” your mom and you should tell her upfront that they don’t want her on their FB’s because it is an invasion of their privacy and they are not responsible for telling her your whereabouts. Also she should not be calling your college. Colleges don’t want parents calling about nonsense and she should understand that this is not acceptable unless it is an emergency–like a death in the family. </p>

<p>I think that since Thanksgiving is next week that you should plan to sit down with your mom and renegotiate the terms of your relationship. You need to have a list and reasons for what you want. For example, mom I am very busy at school, and I would like to send you a text once a day to let you know that I am ok, and I will call you twice a week and pick the 2 days that work best for you. You have to explain that you are not doing anything wrong and that she has to trust you because she has no reason not to–if that is, in fact, the case. Explain that college is a time to grow and gain some independence and that she has to have some faith that she raised you correctly. Don’t be antagonistic about it even though you are feeling badly and even if she baits you don’t give in. Explain to her that you cannot grow into adulthood and be responsible and successful if you are not allowed some breathing room to make your own decisions and live your life on your own terms. Tell her you understand her fears but that she has no good reason to worry so much. Make sure you gently let her know that she is driving you away with her behavior and you don’t want that.</p>

<p>Make sure you express your gratitude (even if it pains you) for everything she has done for you and for paying your tuition and allowing you to go to school. Kill her with kindness and maybe she will begin to move an inch or two here or there. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face–it’s tough out there and your years at college will fly by. Better that you are free and clear when you graduate so that you can move out and support yourself more readily without loans hanging over your head.</p>

<p>Your mother may not know any other way to be and sometimes a parent can learn a valuable lesson from a child. If your mother really loves you (and she probably does) she would likely prefer to have a loving relationship with you rather than merely to serve as your prison warden. If you approach this with an open heart and hug her and tell her that you love her I don’t see how she could not melt just a little. Hopefully, if you are smart and patient you can help her to see the light. </p>

<p>Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes.</p>

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<p>Assuming the situation is as OP described – no big drug/alcohol/behavioral/academic problems in the student’s past – OP is justified in wanting less parental oversight.</p>

<p>If you are at the point of wanting to sever ties with your parents and pay for college yourself anyway, it would be worth it first to try to negotiate some changes. (You said she eventually changed her mind and let you go to your out-of-state first choice college, right?)

  1. Tell your mother that for the rest of the semester you will call her once a day for an extremely brief conversation since her two-a-day requirements are disrupting your studying. (You can renogotiate to fewer calls for next semester.) Tell her your Sunday call will be a longer conversation.
  2. Ask your roommates/friends to “defriend” your mother on Facebook. She will not be notified. They are under no obligation to allow her harassing behavior since she cannot threaten to cut off their tuition payments.
  3. Change your passwords so she does not have access to your personal email, and only allow limited access to her to your Facebook page.
  4. Get an appointment with a counselor at the student counseling center to help you deal with this issue.</p>

<p>At worst, your parents get ticked off and cut off your school financing. Since you are ready to go it alone anyway, you should at least try politely asserting your independence first, in hope of being successful in changing/salvaging the relationship – and financial assistance for college.</p>

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<p>I’m thinking that the OP should ask the Resident Director to tell the mom this; it may make the mother more aware that this has become a serious problem if the RD tells her that college officials don’t have time to answer phone calls all the time from parents.</p>

<p>But seriously, the OP should have the roommates remove the mom from their list. If the mom ends up objecting, maybe the roomates’ parents can contact her and tell her to leave their children alone and that she is disrupting THEIR studies with this nonsense on the computer.</p>

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<p>Get yourself over to the ROTC office at your school to find out if the military is a possible option for you (don’t join yet). Or find another school that is FAR AWAY that will accept you into ROTC. Then, when your mom makes her next threat, call her bluff, refuse to do what she’s demanding, and tell her that you’ve looked into ROTC to pay for your education to stop this controlling behavior. Tell her that the ROTC school will be at another school - that is much further away. Calmly explain that she has given you no choice but to pursue this route. Explain that once you’re in the military, she won’t be able to demand ANYTHING - not phone calls, not emails, not home visits, ANYTHING.</p>

<p>She may not “roll over” at that point, but she will. She’ll get off the phone and contemplate that if you go into the military, she’ll have NO SAY about any aspect of your life - where you go - what you do - ANYTHING. She’ll cry “uncle” then. (and, maybe at that point, your dad will stand up to her.)</p>

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<p>Uncle Sam, that is. ^^^</p>

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<p>Are you an only child? Did something traumatic happen to your mom when she was young that she constantly wants to check if you are OK? Where is your dad–can he get on your side on this issue?</p>

<p>I agree that you are TOO important in your mom’s life. If she not already working–she should get a job, or find a group that needs volunteers, or to go back to school herself–even if it is just for a “fun” class or two. She needs other interests besides YOU. It is normal and healthy for her to do these things. This is what most middle-aged moms of college students are doing, and she will enjoy life more if she gets involved in something else. Tell her this. </p>

<p>You have to let her know that it is NOT normal for parents to contact their kid’s friends on facebook, ask for twice a day phone calls, etc. Survey your friends, and report to her in a matter-of-fact way, “Students talk to their parents 2 or 3 times a week, on average.” Try to cut it down to once a day at least. Your friends should feel free to de-friend her on FB.</p>

<p>Stay in college, and let parents pay. Your life will be much much harder without their financial help. Thank them for it. But get control of your own spending $ with your own account. </p>

<p>Get her a puppy or kitten for Christmas? That will cheer her up and keep her busy!</p>

<p>Definitely find work away from home for the summer–camps, college campus, amusement park, etc.</p>

<p>Good luck. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Sounds like your mom has a personality disorder and she may never change. A school counselor might help you with strategies.</p>

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<p>Great post by Kantianethicist. I like the idea of taking it in stages and not escalating the drama. This is not the time to throw down ultimatums - whose behavior does that sound like? </p>

<p>Learning to be a skilled negotiator takes a lot of effort and supreme patience, but it is very rewarding; it will benefit you for your entire life, including a relationship with mom that is going to last beyond this semester.</p>

<p>Use the Thanksgiving holiday to talk about the situation, but be aware of her triggers and walk away if the conversation is taking a bad turn. If she does change, it will be in tiny, baby steps. She has to want to change and to see the need for change, then to look at herself and see what needs changing. It’s not going to happen overnight, or even over a year’s time.</p>

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<p>Just wanted to add to my above post…</p>

<p>I’ve already seen this kind of stuff “play out”. </p>

<p>A friend of mine’s son is going to a very pricey school (parents paying full-freight). He’s a freshman. She was mentioning arranging all of his flights home for various school breaks. I mentioned that she better wait because her son may not want to come home for EVERY little break because he and his pals may make plans of their own. </p>

<p>Well, this friend got “huffy” and declared, “He better come home for every break otherwise I’ll stop paying for his tuition.” Since I’m not one to “mince words” (it’s the Italian in me), I kind of let her have it. LOL </p>

<p>I told her that if she plays that game she will not win. Kids will quit school, lie or whatever to get around parents that are too controlling. I told her that by being too bossy, she’ll only encourage her son to “make up” reasons why he can’t come home - “Uh, I can’t come home for President’s Weekend, because my engineering group is working on a project that’s due on Tuesday.” When in reality, he and his pals will be going skiing or whatever. LOL</p>

<p>Parents like that like to throw the threat around, but in reality, they’re just blowing smoke.</p>

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<p>I don’t think anyone has mentioned this but the similar threads post on top is “strict, controlling,overprotective immigrant parents” and because ParentofIvyHope didn’t think that this manner of behavior is unusual, I am wondering if there is a cultural aspect to this.</p>

<p>My D calls or texts me every day and I pray for the day that she doesn’t contact me! lol! She’s having a rough semester and I am her sounding board. I wish it wasn’t so.</p>

<p>This is unusual behavior and the child and the parent need to set boundaries. I think that someone needs to intervene, another adult or religious figure. Best of luck to you and I hope that you and your mother can come to some kind of understanding. As usual, you have received great advice.</p>

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<p>If parent doesn’t do it out of love then what will be the reason anyone else will help her.
There are no free lunches in the world. OP need to distinguish between the anxiety a person has out of love and dysfunction. </p>

<p>Please list the behavior out of OPs original post that constitute dysfunction.</p>

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<p>If OP is getting by recieving calls twice or thrice a day. How OP will handle the call volume while working? Some client can be calling every other minutes.</p>

<p>OP just need organization skills. This is a myth that if a parent call you twice a day then they are invading your privacy. No one object to a client calling 10 times a day because there is money involve. </p>

<p>If OP is so de-attached to the parent then at least think of paying parent as revenue producing clients who will be demanding every hour report before investing the money in OPs company.</p>

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<p>POIH— a 30 minute window to return Mom’s call?!? Please tell me and OP that you are being sarcastic! My son is in the shower for at least that long? And if he is with GF?!? I can only imagine him turning to her and saying “got to call mom, my 30 minute window will be up soon”…still, it could be an effective strategy to keep my darling boy from ever getting married…</p>

<p>I thought I had snapped by getting upset about zero contact with a 16 year old for 12 days…I really negotiated badly with the once a week call from college student! Tell me what brain wash tecnique to use to get him to check in daily with the thirty minute response time to calls from home… Currently, only my 14 year old D has to call when she gets home from school…mainly to tell me if the cat has been fed…</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t suggest getting the mom a pet; a lot of “present pets” end up in the pound. :frowning: Also, the person living with a dog for the next fourteen or fifteen years should really be the one who decides what kind of pup to get.</p>

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<p>I think the OP said somewhere that it wasn’t cultural, it was just the way the mom “is.”</p>

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<p>Let’s analyze Ops original post</p>

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No relevance to the topic at hand.

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<p>This is a very well documented case of authoritative parenting skill. There is nothing in here that indicate dysfunction on the part of the parent. </p>

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<p>This indicate OP being a little out of line as trying to choose a college for wrong reasons.</p>

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Again lot of parent for the reason of money, attachment and other valid reasons ask children to curtail their search for colleges or keep it within a fixed distance. Still not a case of dysfunctional parent.

Let us bring OP to reality. If OP wants to be practical then let be that way. Any VC who invests money in a company will make sure that a report is shown daily/weekly/monthly on how the money is being spent. Otherwise OP should take loan. Texting cost money and money can be limited to parent.
How can returning calls twice is a lot? If she is regular there might not be any need for the mom to be paranoid. She need to draw mom calls/texts as a function of her total calls/texts. Is it more than 5%, 10%? I can bet OP’s calls to mom is less than 1% of her time spent on Cell Phone.</p>

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Organizational skills come handy in this case. Have an alarm setup for you to remind yourself to call/text mom. You can do this on the cell phone too. </p>

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Yes, you are being unreasonable. Try to organize yourself. There are no free lunches in this world. Anyone tells you they will help you without any string attached are lying. Trust your parent. Parent can only be the one (Not all parent same) that can do things for you without any string attached.
Outside in real world you will be exploited the very moment you remove yourself from your parent. Try to learn to use them as your strength and not make it your weakness.</p>

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<p>I don’t call my DD unless she calls me but that doesn’t mean that she is allowed to do the same to her mom’s calls. Being organized doesn’t mean your privacy is being compromised. </p>

<p>You can take 1 hr is shower and still know if some have called you. What will your son do when a 30 min window actually will result in reducing the value of the stock by half. The point is to understand the situation and handle it.</p>

<p>You can’t treat all people with one stick. If you can’t understand people and deal with them you will never become a good manager. Just by sending a text after getting up in the morning and before going to bed in the evening she has cut down mom anxiety by 80%. </p>

<p>OP need to learn to live with mom and not run from it. There is no better security than parent if that is available. Noone else is going to provide free lunches to OP and she doesn’t seem to get it. I won’t like that she learns this the hard way.</p>

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<p>Sorry POIH I disagree, there really isn’t a need to talk to your mother twice a day when you are in college and the mom “tracking” the kid down through the RA and through the roommates is very “over the top.” The roommates need to immediately “defriend” the mother and the RA needs to “handle” the mom if the mom calls the RA again. A simple “Your daughter is fine, I’ll be happy to relay the message that you want/need to talk to her but there is nothing you need to be concerned about” is plenty adequate." They both, daughter and mother, need to set boundaries that are acceptable to both.</p>