<p>I hope the OP will update us today. I’m going to hazard a guess that the OP will never be allowed to have the amazing opportunity to study abroad, because the mother will never allow the OP to even move 2 states over.</p>
<p>^^^^</p>
<p>another reason to consider ROTC…the military will certainly send her abroad at some point. ;)</p>
<p>
That’s true that the family is not healthy whether it is mom or daughter that is another case. My concern is that OP is taking a very narrow view of her being individual. As a greater member of a law abiding society she consciously or unconsciously do a lot of things like going to classes, doing her home work/project or the paper she mentioned. But when it comes to calling mom it becomes invasion of privacy. </p>
<p>She need to think through what is she complaining about. There a lots of people who look for someone to talk to or some one who care about them. She is trying to get rid of people who cared about her so much that she is able to attend a university.</p>
<p>As when you live in a society you agree to follow certain norms then why when you are part of a family that you refuse to follow norms.</p>
<p>During these college years she need to find the right balance between her parent norms and her own norms till she makes her own family and propagate her own norms. </p>
<p>People who are able to understand and balance their lives live happily ever after.</p>
<p>Once again, thank you to all of your replies. I am reading them, and I have been thinking writing down some options. Thanksgiving break is approaching, so I think that will give me the opportunity of talking to my parents about my expectations of college vs. their expectations, that way we can come to some sort of agreement. I’m willing to compromise; it’s just that, I have been very stressed out for the past few months, and I am just ready to do this so I can put it behind me.</p>
<p>Parent of Ivy Hope- I understand what you mean. But at the same time, it’s not JUST about the phone calls, or her style of parenting. Yes, it may seem not too bad, but to me, it has been. It’s gotten so terrible, as you know, I’ve considered giving up my college education in order just to get away from it all. But thank you so much for putting it in a different light.</p>
<p>I’d like to answer a few questions that I saw throughout the posts: I’m from a christian household, but it’s not overly-religious. I’m expected to have some of the “core” values, but other than that, my parents weren’t too strict about that. However, they are very “moral” people, especially my mother. Both my parents came from strict parents, and both my parents are college educated (my mother teaches french, my father is now retired). My mother’s parenting style + her adapting those rules to my college lifestyle, is because “she knows what’s best for me” and “knows what it takes to be successful at college”. My mother is a very business-like person. She likes things taken care of, and likes to leave emotion out of the equation. Her and my father both keep themselves reasonable busy: My father gardens and plays golf. My mother, on the other hand, has quit teaching french so she can now start to concentrate on myself, my fifteen year old sister (currently a high school freshman) and my sixteen year old brother, currently in high school as well. She uses the same parental style with them. Both are a bit bitter with me because I did not “pave the way” for them and now they have to live under my mother’s conditions. However, I have hope for my younger brother because unlike me, he is rebellious and outspoken. I’m hoping, maybe, he can break my mom down a little bit so she can be more lenient with my sister. Only time will tell.
As for my mom’s behavior…I honestly don’t know. She’s not physically abusive, and she never screamed at any of us. Just raised her voice and asserted her authority as a parent. My father is strict, like I said before, just quieter. He mostly left the raising up to my mom, and if she needed a back up, he served that role. But overall, over the years, she has had some “wacky behavior”. I could sit here and tell you stories that you would literally not believe. From tracking me down at school, reading my diary, and once, I was at a sleepover at a friend’s house, she called me at 12:30 at night, telling me she was parked outside and that I was coming home. So of course, after years of this, you can understand my frustration.
Sorry for the long post, just trying to give you all a bit more insight.</p>
<p>bluealien01- It’s so weird that you mention that… in high school my mother had a list of all my teachers, their extension numbers and emails. She also kept a list of my assignments and such, and often talked to them to see about my participation/ progress in the classroom. And as I thought I escaped this kind of behavior in college, my mom has tried to get ahold of a schedule. She has told me numerous times that she “wants contact with my professors.”… this was something else she kept bringing up, but I have ignored her on it. But she is starting to get suspicious.
I think I’m going to talk to the school about it, like people are are suggesting. I could warn my professors of it, maybe someone within the school could explain to her that that kind of behavior is not appropriate. I’ll try to look into that tomorrow.</p>
<p>I wonder if the mom would allow the OP to sign up for the military. And even if she did, wouldn’t the mother just call the OP’s drill sergeant everyday to see what the OP is doing?</p>
<p>^^^^
Someone who’s over 18 doesn’t need parents’ permission to join. And, there’s no way the mom can find out who her drill sergeant is w/o OP telling her.</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>Hopefully, the OP has her schedule on a password, so her mom doesn’t even know the names of her profs.</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>Get your DW to a therapist. You don’t seem to understand that this is not normal.</p>
<p>POIH–I am assuming from your post that you may be Chinese. Your way of thinking is very typical of the respect that Chinese parents expect of their children and I might add the respect that the children give to their parents. Unfortunately what many of us American parents have tolerated can certainly be viewed as being too permissable. I do not think there is anything wrong with this young lady calling her mother twice a day if that is what the mother wants. I to see this young lady as very foolish and lacking the growth to deal with her mother effectively. She is still a child and the mother must see this. I personally feel that with all of the parents bashing the “nutty” mom this kids behavior is being fueled and she believes she is 100% right in her view. Part of growing up means learning how to deal with everyone including the most important people in your life and right now those people are her parents.
I do think the mom is a bit overbearing with contacting the friends but this just leads me to believe there may be more to this story then this young lady is letting on. We are all moms (and dads) here so I think we should all be a little smarter when these kids post only their side to the story. It would be interesting to hear what the mom had to say.</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>Do not, under any circumstances, give your mom your class schedule or the password to your college online account.</p>
<p>Calmly and happily start dropping hints that you’re looking into ROTC. (You don’t have to be serious about it). Let her “think” that you might go that route and completely cut her off. Believe me, she knows that if you went that route, she would be cut out.</p>
<p>Your siblings are being set up for complete rebellion. your dad - at least - needs to be told and warned about that. Seriously, your brother is on the verge of some serious rebellion - boys are more likely to rebel over this than girls because of how they’re wired.</p>
<p>Let me just say that is extremely counterproductive to parent using fear and threats to control your children. It disheartens me to hear any parent condoning this type of behavior.</p>
<p>I know about this firsthand. My own mother was extremely controlling. This, of course, was only one of her dysfunctions–(and I won’t elaborate on the others.) She had a pretty rough childhood–very strict/borderline abusive immigrant parents. She married my father to get out of her house–from the frying pan into the fire. She thought she was a terrific mother just because she didn’t bang my head against the wall. To her that was all the progress she needed to justify her other actions.</p>
<p>As a result, when I graduated from HS I was practically incompetent at everything. I had never even made my own bed–she would run into my room and make it while I was in the bathroom getting ready for school. Why? Because she did it the “right” way. I would not. Whenever I attempted to do anything in the house she would mock me and then take over. I had never even boiled water–I was not allowed in the kitchen and could only eat what was put in front of me. I could not date or have a boyfriend because boys were only interested in one thing. My mother picked out my less than stylish clothes for me and made sure my hair was cut short like a boy. It was mortifying. No make up allowed either. I had a lip gloss a friend gave me and I used to tape it under my desk to hide it from her because she would go through my purse and schoolbag. I was not allowed to get an after school job because a job at a supermarket, or the like, was “beneath” me, according to her. Consequently, she held the purse strings and I was powerless to do anything. </p>
<p>My father worked a lot, traveled a lot, and was generally absent and loath to contradict her for several reasons–also won’t elaborate here. I stopped even asking to bring friends home by the time I got to HS, because she criticized all my childhood friends and deemed them unworthy of my friendship among other things. I was not allowed to go to other people’s houses that she did not know. When people called the house looking for me my mother would say I wasn’t home and would never give me messages. She paid my youngest sister to spy on me and report back to her about what I was doing in my room, the den, the backyard, etc. The fact is I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but after years of this I did finally snap. She did everything she could to keep me in a bubble out of her fear and she tried to make me fear everything. She nearly destroyed my identity in the process. Nothing I did was good enough even though I was one of the top students at my HS. A 98? Why didn’t you get a 100? She wanted to choose everything for me and I think in some odd way she wanted to be me. Everything she did was “perfection” and I couldn’t live up to the standard. This is an extremely unhealthy way to raise a child.</p>
<p>In my HS yearbook, a friend expressed in writing his sorrow that we didn’t get to hang out too much…and finished with too bad your mother ruined your life." Of course, I tried and failed to hide that from her and well she blamed me for that, too, and just imagine what the explosion was like…</p>
<p>It took some rebellion (which I won’t describe because it wasn’t pretty and had some unpleasant consequences for me), some therapy, and my moving 3000 miles away (at the suggestion of my therapist) for me to straighten myself out. My mother cried and did a lot of handwringing when I moved. She called me an ingrate and told me I’d be sorry. Her favorite thing to say was always “the only thing you have in life is your family and the money in your pocket.” I thought this to be just about the worst philosophy you could have. I heard this countless times a day for many years–she still says it. She’s well into her 80’s and is in ill health. I take care of her. She hasn’t changed much and our relationship is thorny at best. She can still make me feel like that sad child I was all those years ago. I wish I would have stood up to her sooner rather than taking it and remaining paralyzed.</p>
<p>I swore that when I became a mother I wouldn’t do to my kids what she did to me. I still have vestigial fears from my upbringing and occasionally have knee-jerk reactions to situations with my D. But I am able to get a hold of myself and have reasoned discussions with my D. I never wanted my D to have to live the life I did. I always told her to make her own choices. I never call her at school. She initiates all contact which is frequent. I try to respect her privacy. She tells me almost everything. Our relationship is pretty healthy and she trusts me as a result. And yes there are times when I question her choices but ultimately I don’t want to control her–I only want her to be healthy, safe and happy. When I find myself questioning what to do I think “what would my mother do?” and do the opposite–not joking–it’s my litmus test. And by the way, my mother is pathologically jealous of my relationship with my daughter. Though, I didn’t keep my daughter away from her, I did make sure she was never in a position to influence her. My D often wonders “what is wrong” with her grandparents.</p>
<p>I’m not perfect–no parent is. I disappoint–we all do. But to suggest to the OP to just suck it up is wrong-headed. The OP needs to advocate for herself and to try to salvage her relationship with her mother at the same time. Take it from someone who has been there–it is unwise to simply continue to suck it up–it will eventually suck the life out of you. And it is just as unwise to simply break from a parent and give them the finger as you’re walking out the door–it is not the path to peace and happiness.</p>
<p>OP, I don’t think your professors are legally allowed to give your mother information about your grades without your signed consent. At any rate, they will probably be annoyed that a parent called their offices.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I just wanted to provide a different solution to your problem. It is very easy to break relations but it takes lot of work to make or keep them.
I don’t think your problem is unsurmountable. With some good thinking and judgement on your part the problem can be solved.
You need to understand couple of things:
- Your parent life is done, it is your life we are talking about.
- You will benefited by college education, a good career and a good set of releations.
- Play to make all situations your strengths not weakness.</p>
<p>Here is my take on your visit ove thanksgiving.
- Make budget of your expenses, the more details you will have the less bothering questions you mom will have.
- Make a schedule for call/texts, the more upfront you will be with this the less anxiety your mother will show. Make the calls as sin/cosine functions for the week. 3 calls monday/tuesday, 2 calls wednessday, 1 call thursday, no call friday, 1 call Saturday, 2 calls sunday and so on.
- Talk about opening a checking accont. putting the money corresponding to semester expenditure there and assure them you won’t be back for more during the semester. If you run out you will find a job to supplement it.
- Don’t frustrate over the high school sleep over. Your friends might had different experiences. Try to make most of your own situation.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids:
</p>
<p>That is un called for and diagnosing the problem on the issue of calling home twice a day is a bit too much. Either you have never studied psychology or are not aware of human emotions.</p>
<p>Wow–I missed a lot while I was composing my previous post…including the OP’s last post. Your mother wants to contact your professors? Oh my. I’m speechless. You must nip this in the bud.</p>
<p>Hey, wait a minute there, momma-three. I think you are being unfair about this young lady. I don’t care what the actual situation is with the mom, there is no way that is a normal expectation to have a college freshman call her mother twice a day “if that is what the mother wants.” NO, NO, NO. It is controlling, unhealthy, and indicative of enmeshment and lack of boundaries on the mother’s part, particularly when added to the mom facebooking roomies and wanting the D’s class schedule so the mom can contact professors.</p>
<p>This young lady is not foolish, and it is both inaccurate and unkind to call her that. And the young lady is also NOT"still a child." She is at least 18 and living on her own at college; she is an adult. Yes, she is “lacking the growth to deal with her mother effectively.” That is why she is attending an out-of-state college, discussing these issues here, and why she needs to go to her college counseling center to have professional help to learn to deal with her mother, which she will have to do for the rest of the mom’s life.</p>
<p>The OP is doing well to be articulating her concerns here (and not acting out in some inappropriate college-student manner to establish her independence). It’s hard for most college freshmen to move away and get established in college, but it’s much harder when the mom is fighting every attempt of the (almost-grown) baby bird to fly away from the nest. It is this young lady’s job in her personal growth to learn to be her own person. It’s her mom’s job as a parent to let her daughter develop into a healthy adult woman. </p>
<p>Here’s a pat on the back and a virtual hug to the OP.</p>
<p>
No, I’m not. I’m a very liberal individual but I do understand people. I can distinguish between the different people based on their emotional need and try to handle accordingly.
In my view a similar set of values can’t be applied to all household and so each need a different solution.</p>
<p>
Maybe you should adopt her style instead of trying to fight with her. She wants 2 phone calls a day in return for your tuition? Call her twice a day. You can make it short calls on your way to and from class. If you take the emotions out of it, you will find this much less overbearing.
You can’t change your mother. And quiting college over this is plain stupid.</p>
<p>You are right that your mother’s behavior is not “mainstream”. So what? You got to go to your first choice school. Make the most of it.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t necessarily say ParentofIvy is Chinese, but definitely foreign based on the grammar of his posts.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>How many years has this been going on? All your life?</p>
<p>nngmm: well said! a text even takes less than a minute and if it can keep a relation healthy then it is worth all the letters texted.</p>
<p>OP need to understand it is her life, so make the most of the collge experience.</p>
<p>Also from “The Big Bang Theory” Leanord says to Penny about Sheldon, they are not encouraging his behavior just knuckling under.</p>