<p>Please recognize that you are HOME-FREE. You’ve crossed the line - you are in a college in another state. This is HUGE. The other obnoxious stuff: Facebook, calling your RA can be shut down so easily. When you got that agreement to go to college in another state, you won. Now, hang onto your winnings. I suspect that your grief/anguish comes from other things: a review of the relationship, from a realization of what could have been, not from a true recogniation of where you are and the actual freedome you now enjoy.</p>
<p>frazzled1- paranoid??? I assume you have no idea what our year was like when daughter went away to school.</p>
<p>I really think that you discuss this with your pastor. I would ask him to make this confidential. If he agrees with the majority of this, I would ask for an intervention. I fear that your mother is going to alienate the entire family. It sounds like she has quit her job to control the actions of the entire family and this will not end well. It sounds as if she has some OCD or anxiety disorder.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>No, 18-21’s away at college do NOT let their parents know about the parties they attend, because they are supposed to be running that aspect of their own lives at that point. You can’t seriously say you expect your D to let you know whether she’s going to Sigma Chi at 10 pm, and that she needs to text or call you if the party is lame and they decide to hit Phi Psi instead. That’s way beyond a text-a-day “hey, just checking in, love ya, talk to you later.”
What kind of “backup plan” can you provide your D in Massachusetts when you live in California? None. Sorry, POIH, you’ve posted about your wife’s situation before – and it’s outside the bounds of normal parental behavior.</p>
<p>And as for international travel? I don’t “inform the government” (unless I were to go to, oh, I don’t know, Iraq or North Korea).</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Ahem - older people? Those of us who have children in college (or approaching) might be in our late forties and early fifties. We didn’t grow up with computers, but we’ve been using cell phones and computers for years. I’m a little insulted to be grouped with “older people” and to have it insinuated that people of that age group wouldn’t know what a text message is. How did we communicate with our kids all through middle and junior high when it came to picking them up after soccer practice? LOL.</p>
<p>^^Compass has put it perfectly ^^ </p>
<p>I had a situation in some ways similar and I did not put it to rest until long after I was married. I agree that you should get a job at school, so you’ll have your own money, and I also think you might take advantage of counseling services at school-- counseling helped me a lot, to realize that just because I loved my mother I didn’t have to put up with her constant intrusion. Once I truly understood that, I was able to gently distance myself. All the best to you, it’s a tough, tough situation.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, I hear you , but be careful not to make implicit generalizations about people you and I (and most others) would call ‘definitely old’. My 80 year old dad cannot get off the internet and gets more texts from friends than I do. (Dad, if you’re reading this, get off already. Did you do your exercises yet?). My D’s 90 year old music teacher is most easily contacted by email and has a facebook account.</p>
<p>My 85 year old MIL is known to send email to her grandchildren on a regular basis. In fact, since her health is not robust and she spends a lot of her time at home, she is in front of her computer every day for quite a bit of time. She is not so great with a cell phone, however.</p>
<p>gotta admit- I haven’t been reading the last few pages as intently as I should- but is it also possible your mom is on a passive-aggressive behavior kick too? Yes, she allowed you to go to school OOS, but her behavior is so over the top by contacting roommates, dorm director maybe professors too; that she thinks you’ll be so embarrased by her behavior, you’ll just wave the white flag and return home??
Just wanted to throw that idea out for your consideration. </p>
<p>If you can tolerate her behavior for the next few years or so, have enough contact on her terms to keep her satisfied (but that might be a losing battle anyway cause you will never be able to please your mom sufficiently)–it may be beneficial for you to get the college degree and then look for a job in another state and get away from mom. If you understand your mother’s behavior- get some counseling-and be strong you might be able to survive the next few years. </p>
<p>In the meantime, definitely get your roommates to “deface” your mom. I don’t do facebook- so I don’t know the proper terminology to close an account . And talk to the dorm director- see if she is willing to refer your mom to couseling center if she calls again and seems irrational. Bullies like your mom often avoid dealing with authority when their behavior is brought into question. She will like to tell you what to do, but she will not listen to other authority figures and will intentionally avoid contact with them.
Bottom line- she is the one who wants to be in control of the situation. </p>
<p>and I’m a bit tired of hearing how mom’s just want the best for their kids and wouldn’t cause any harm to their children. There are alot of sicko’s out there who are incapable of caring a hoot about their kids. Their own needs will always come first. I absolutely agree with some of the other posters- if this was a husband- boyfriend relationship, we’d be saying Run Away as fast as you can. Just because it’s her mom, her response shouldn’t be that much different. It just is a lot sadder and harder to do.</p>
<p>stay strong and good luck!!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Sure, it’s an option. But first maybe read the thread “Need help finding work” on this forum. This, by the way, is a kid who’s situation was 100 fold worse family-wise, and he took out loans and graduated from the best business school in the country.</p>
<p>OP, I’m rooting for you.</p>
<p>Your mom may focus more on your younger sibs in the coming months. Stay strong for them. My sis and bro and I all get along quite well, even though we’ve had some real stressors w/our problematic mom. It’s like we have all survived the same war. Though as the oldest, I think I got the worst of it, and my younger sibs didn’t have quite the scrutiny that I did. You may be in the same boat.</p>
<p>When I was young, I always wondered why I read so many stories about kids who left home really early - 16, even 14 - working, leaving town, etc. I know that in the old days, my grandma and her brother were not allowed to attend HS - they had to work (illegally) to support their drunken, mean dad. My aunt’s husband was forced to quit HS senior year to support his mom, who already had a decent job but wanted more. Those people were a bit young to defy their folks. You have a great advantage being away at school. I agree with what Compass said above. HANG IN THERE!</p>
<p>just a (probably too simple) idea -
OP’s Mom likely uses the rationale that she wants to make sure OP is safe, ie. not kidnapped etc. She uses the excuse to get into lenghty conversations about how she’s spending her $, how to behave etc. Perhaps OP can agree to post daily to Mom’s facebook, text or email just saying “I’m safe, love you.” (or whatever)… 15 sec. effort for the price of tuition, pays much better than any job she could find.
If she initiates the contact she can control how much of it and the content. That removes Mom’s excuse for the constant need for contact/control, and might give OP a feeling of control over the issue. Face it, it’s not the issue of time spent during the constant demands for her attention, it’s the lack of control OP has over the process.</p>
<p>Better yet, OP can agree to contact Dad with the info… removing Mom from the process for now or until things cool down a bit.</p>
<p>and not that it is OPs role to pave the way, but this will help set a precedent about how Mom can expect things to play out should she take this route with the other siblings.</p>
<p>My mom - who is 82 and has had 3 MAJOR strokes - uses her computer daily, has a Facebook page, and Twitters (I guess she “tweets”!) LOL No one better call my mom “old” ;)</p>
<p>it’s funny though…her grandkids all have their grammy as a FB friend and grammy is allowed to post stuff on their “walls,” but the parents better not try!!! LOL</p>
<p>Al’s suggestion might work for a while. Contact mom on her terms. Make it brief but sufficient enough so mom can’t go hunting you down and involve all your friends and dorm director</p>
<p>this way- you are actually controlling the situation. Hopefully mom doesn’t realize that for another year or two and by then you’ll be closer to graduation.</p>
<p>I am trouble with this because only one side of the story is being told. Assumptions are being made about the mother, solutions are being offered, but we are only hearing 1 perspective.</p>
<p>We have become judge and jury without hearing the entire story.</p>
<p>That’s because the story rings true for those of us who had problem moms. And hearing mom’s side of the story might not give us any more true info - some people can self-delude to an unbelievable degree. It’s like hearing about someone else’s life to hear my mom talk about how things were!</p>
<p>Do you like the college that you have chosen? This is an important factor. Time will continue to march on and you will continue to grow and get older. Her grip will start to fade. But, that does not help you at this moment.</p>
<p>I agree with the others on here. Get a part time job so you have some spending money. Perhaps get the pay as you go phone. Have your friends remove her from their friend list on FB. Start there. One step at a time. Try not to take the threats to heart. She can’t barely let you go, let alone watch you flounder. That will not happen.</p>
<p>Your class schedule will change for next semester soon. Take that as an opportunity to try to get the phone calls and texts down by citing classes/work as the reason. By then she may be more used to you being away.</p>
<p>Above all…realize that you control your destiny. It’s easy for everyone else to see that but you feel trapped and unable to get out of your situation. Take a stand, perhaps in a kind way at first but be firm. Good Luck!</p>
<p>I haven’t read all of the posts, but the thing that bugged me from the OP is how the dad seems to get a pass. I know families where the dad puts the mom in the position of the heavy, so that he gets to be Mr. Nice Guy/doesn’t have to deal. (I think there’s some of that in Jon and Kate +8, where she overcompensated for passive-aggressive, do-nothing dad). </p>
<p>Anyway, I tend to think there are three sides to a story – the two sides and the truth somewhere in between. Certainly, if the truth is as presented by OP, the mom is over the top, but I react to the fact that it’s all about mom and dad is just a bystander here. Makes me think there’s more going on. My mom used to pin stuff all the time on dad that, as I grew up, I learned was really her issue. The truth is, we really don’t know what’s going on here.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>OMG. I thought I was the only one in that situation! My D won’t even friend me. I guess she knows I’d stalk her constantly (though hopefully not like OP’s mom).</p>
<p>Agree with Treetopleaf (#176.) Unless you’ve lived it, it is very hard to comprehend. My mother will never acknowledge anything she did wrong. She says I’m crazy, and if I foolishly bring up an incident from the past she will insist that it never happened. She becomes belligerent and indignant about it too. I try to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace as she is incapacitated now, and I have come to realize that denial is her only coping mechanism. I have tried to forgive, but there are some things I can never forget, though, believe me, I wish I could. Luckily, I have younger siblings to back me up otherwise I might actually believe that I was making things up and losing my grip on reality.</p>
<p>Since I have lived this and probably to a greater degree, I am trying to encourage the OP to negotiate a peace before it is too late. It will be better that way for all concerned. These situations have a way of staying with you and the OP must address this now for her own present and future peace of mind as well as her mom’s.</p>
<p>Her dad supports her mom. It’s a co-dependent relationship. He doesn’t get a pass necessarily–it’s just that he is not the agressor with the OP and would probably never stand up to his wife even if he disagreed with her. My dad never stood up to my mom even when she whacked him with a frying pan or took a hammer to his prized possessions. My mom was a type-A tyrant and my dad was a passive-aggressive dreamer–not a great combination.</p>
<p>So I feel for the OP, as do others who know what it’s like to live with this type of oppression. Oppression leads to revolution. And revolution leads to the guillotine. (Metaphorically speaking.) And that is why we urge caution and negotiation alongside the OP’s quest for liberation.</p>