Hi, thanks in advance for anyone who takes time to read and/or respond to this! Now that I’m done with my college process, my parents have shifted their focus to my brother. He’s a junior (18 months younger than I am) and all of us are a bit worried about him. He’s a B/B+ average student (numerically anyways), has never finished an extracurricular activity to completion, and is not self motivated at all. They tried to get me to talk to him because I seem to have more success than he does, but he blew me off completely (I’m his older sister, I don’t know what they expected…).
They’ve tried everything to get him to shape up: they put him on my science olympiad team (he’s an extra) because I’m an executive officer and my dad donated a HUGE amount of money to the club, they bought gifts for a teacher so that she curved the final in HIS favor (went from a C to a B), they check in on him constantly during the night (so he does his homework), they’ve even literally thrown money at tutors so that he can do well in classes. But all of this is to no avail: he’s still incredibly immature, has a terrible work ethic, and has a video game addiction (my parents took away his laptop for 2 days once, he stayed in his room crying and didn’t even come out to eat or drink anything). My parents are out of ideas, they just don’t know how to deal with him because their method of parenting was successful (well, mostly. I have my own set of quirks) with me. Does anyone have any tips for an unmotivated child?
If your parents are buying gifts for teachers so that they will curve your brother’s grade, they are doing him no favors toward motivation. He doesn’t need to work harder - things are working out just fine for him. Dad pays, he gets good grades and into clubs.
My tip - let him be unmotivated. He’ll survive. He may go to community college, he may not get into a school he thought was a sure thing because he got a C in a class or didn’t study for the SAT. So what if he has to wait a year or two to go to college? It might be time to let him do it his way for a while.
He needs to fail before he can become self-motivated. I agree with twoinanddone. If Mom and Dad are doing everything for him, checking on him etc etc, he doesn’t need to do it himself and he won’t do it himself. They will have to leave him be. He’s an almost-adult. They should treat him as such.
You need to help your parents understand that your brother is NOT you.
They need to BACK OFF.
Boys DO mature more slowly than girls, and it must be MISERABLE for HIM to be constantly reminded that he is not meeting their academic “expectations”, as you did.
No wonder he he blew you off- you giving him advise would of course rub him the wrong way.
It will do them NO GOOD to compare him to you IN ANY WAY, now or later when you are in college, or to think they can MOTIVATE him with money, bribes or threats.
If he is a B/ B+ student he can get into MANY colleges.
They need to RELAX and chill out.
Your brother needs them to love and support him for who he IS, and NOT try to pressure him into becoming someone he is NOT [ i.e. you] .
@twoinanddone he already got 2 C’s in Chem Honors (all the gifts in the world couldn’t save him there)… he got a 2140 on the SAT though, and 720 Bio E and 730 Chem. My parents paid for prep classes so that he could score well on these (we live in a relatively affluent community, money is really not a problem). However, I feel like my dad is deluded because he believes that one test will cover up my brother’s entire high school career. My brother is starting to believe it too… How do my mom and I deal with that?
Also, thanks for those tips. I’ve been railing my dad to get rid of those for a while (he’s a nice guy, just likes to constantly defend his son is all).
@menloparkmom Thanks. But sorry if I conveyed it wrong: they never expressed the fact that they wanted him to be like me (this never existed to be honest) in front of him (I was there as a more reality check person because he doesn’t realize how competitive our school is), it’s more of an internalized fear of “what are we doing wrong, it worked before”, if that makes sense.
“what are we doing wrong, it worked before”, if that makes sense."
on the surface, that makes some sense, BUT the hard reality is- he is not you and “doing the same things” again, will not work on an entirely different person!!
they need to love him for who he is, NOT who they want him to be. He is not a copy of you.
Kids can easily pick up all the subliminal hints of disappointment felt by parents.
That’s why they need to change their attitude entirely.
YOU need to stay out of it. He does not reflect on you. I suspect a B or C average and SAT scores in the 2100’s will get him into plenty of schools.
I have a son in class of '16, daughter class of '17 and younger son in class of '18. They are nothing alike. It’s not fair at all for your parents to compare him to you or others. Bribing and paying off teachers is beyond the pale. If he’s not on drugs and committing crimes let him find his own way.
All you can really do is to try to have your parents allow him to apply to a range of schools that realistically fit his profile when the time comes for college. I know your parents have forced you to attend the one college they preferred. He wouldn’t get in there the way he is going now (if it were an option for his gender). Your dad is probably going to have to deal with the fact that your brother will get rejected from whatever college they pick out for him if they think it is all test scores. Just make sure there is a safety net of CSUs, community college, or lower ranked colleges where his stats will work. That is IF he is motivated enough to go to college. Guessing he might be motivated to get out of the house by then… (You might privately try that argument on him – that focus now leads to more options to get away later… if you think it would work).
Your parents need to recalibrate their definition of “good student”. Your brother is fine academically. He will have options when he looks at colleges next year. They may not be in the top 50. That’s okay. He’ll be fine if he attends an instate directional university or not so prestigious but well-regarded LAC.
The one thing that worries me is the lack of EC, not because it’ll affect his college chances but rather it sounds like he hasn’t been able to choose his own activities. Your dad has determined what he’s going to do - of course, your brother’s not going to thrive!
As a sister, support your brother.
Let him know that your dad is being unreasonable and an *ss. Let him know he’s doing well in school.
Only in the CC world would a B/B+ student (and 2140 SAT) be doomed to attend a community college. Please.
My S, class of 2011, with a mid B average and 2180 SAT got into many schools and got a full tuition ride to the school he ended up at. He flunked out the first year. Without us there to micromanage the HW and assignments he waited til last minute to do it. In hindsight, I wish we had let him fail in HS. He always tested well, had incredible reading comprehension but hated mindless HW or boring assignments. Whatever. Almost 5 years later, he still has not graduated college and is no longer going. Your brother needs to motivate himself, let him take control of the process and see where he ends up.
@basedchem you are obviously a caring sister and daughter, but this is above your pay grade and your parents shouldn’t be involving you. Can you suggest that they go talk to a psychologist about and preferably with your brother? They may be surprised to find out that they aren’t employing the most helpful or healthy parenting strategies.
Family counseling could really help to improve the communication between them and your brother, and it may make them realize the part they are playing in this situation. You cannot fix things.
Here is my two cents worth – he HAS an EC, and it’s called video games! There are billionaires out there who got that way by creating and selling successful video games. Your parents can motivate him by acknowledging that his true interests lie in video games and not in science Olympiad. He is a prime candidate to study gaming in college, and many colleges of all levels of competitiveness offer a variety of majors related to gaming. He will then find “his people” in that type of major, and feel right at home.
He is certainly smart. No amount of tutors can make someone score over 2100 on the SAT if the person doesn’t have the ability and intelligence within already. His so-called lack of motivation seems to be a rebellion because his true interests are not recognized as valid in his own home, and perhaps because he considers the classes boring and the B’s adequate for achieving his own goals. And in fact, he’s right. Many colleges will accept him just the way he is, B’s and all (and even some C’s).
In terms of having a gaming “addiction” – I don’t know if his activities keep him from socializing face to face. I assume he is gaming online with other people remotely. Perhaps he would be very motivated to be a leader of a club at school if the club were about gaming and not science. Why doesn’t he start his own gaming club at school? He could find other people at school who share the same interests, have instant leadership to show on his college applications, and have the satisfaction of leading a club like his older sister did – yet a club that he enjoys, not one that suits you.
He sounds a bit like my son except my son’s grades weren’t even reliably in the B range. My son has ADHD and executive function issues. The school focused his 504 on the ADHD and we didn’t fully understand the impact of executive function disorder so what could have been worked on starting in 8th grade didn’t get addressed until late senior year when we came to terms with the fact that he probably wouldn’t be successful in college. He couldn’t talk to his teachers, couldn’t organize himself, couldn’t see the big picture.
We started him with an executive function coach at the end of senior year. She had an incredible impact in the short time she saw him. The other thing we did was to send him to a boarding school for a PG year. There he works on his time management skills and study skills. So far, he has A’s in all but one class, but he has a high B in that class. Mostly, I’m very happy with how much more mature he seems. He is reapplying to colleges and is much more engaged in the process this year. I have no idea if he will continue to be this successful once he gets to college but I certainly feel better about his chances. My nephew also had executive function issues and benefited from a PG year.
So have your parents look into the possibility that your brother has executive function issues and if he does, sign him up with a coach. If he doesn’t, he may just need to grow up some. With his grades and scores, there are plenty of good colleges that he will get into, even without tons of ecs. Consider a gap year to work, travel or do community service. There are lots of good programs out there if money is no object but even working for a year would help. Many boys need some extra time.
Hiring tutors is one thing but buying better grades and ecs is not doing him any favors. Good luck to your parents and make sure they leave you out of this. Just let your brother know he can talk to you if he wants or needs to.
As a parent, it is in my heart to want to “fix” things, to smooth out the rough patches and keep my child from hurting in any way. That is a noble thought, but it is not always the best course of action. Kids need to experience some discomfort to propel them forward and allow them to blossom into mature, functioning adults.
Comparing children also comes naturally, and it is also a recipe for disaster. Each child is unique, and each child brings their own set of positive attributes to the table. Trying to push a child into a mold that doesn’t fit their personality and learning style is not going to birth a mature, capable college student.
For your part, just look for ways to love your sibling and encourage any positive traits you see in him. I agree to lay off any attempts to help him in this situation. Finding ways to boost his self-confidence could be of long-term help to him.
The OP’s parents forced her to apply ED to a college that wasn’t her first choice (which she has admirably embraced after admission and I am sure she will do well there). But they aren’t going to get counseling to change their ways. They are set in their views and (sorry, OP) kinda jerks.
My older child’s school held a TedX event. I was very moved by this talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3P1pultaI8. It touches on parental expectations and child performance.
(You might privately try that argument on him – that focus now leads to more options to get away later… if you think it would work).