My parents think no non-Ivy school is worth going

Parents Forum
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<p>I don't even know what's going on exactly, but I'll try to explain. I don't understand what my parents are thinking. I'm looking for advice. Sorry if this post is too long.</p>

<p>So I got rejected from Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and Columbia (after getting deferred ED). I got into Georgia Tech, St Andrews, American (20k scholarship), UVA (Echols), NYU (Stern), Davidson, and Boston College. I'm waitlisted at UChicago.</p>

<p>I am an international student. My parents have not been telling me anything about finances beyond "apply wherever you want and don't worry about the COA." I assumed we had enough saved up for me and my brother to receive a college education, especially with my dad constantly talking about investing 500k+ in a public project to get a green card in America. I thought I might as well shoot for an average admission chance and not apply for financial aid.</p>

<p>Since I got rejected from the three Ivies, my parents have been very disappointed. I understand, because I'm disappointed too. They would not acknowledge that it isn't really my fault that I got rejected. I come from a terribly overrepresented country (South Korea), and my stats were in range for most of the schools I applied to (4.0UW, 34 ACT). It's still understandable that they don't understand college admission logistics.</p>

<p>Until last weekend, they have been pushing for NYU, while I was hesitant about the investment-return ratio. I visited UVA last weekend and did not like it. I don't think I would be happy in a traditional college environment (I won't go too deep on why I don't like UVA, it is still a great school). I told them I would like to go to NYU, and they went ballistic. "Do you realize NYU easily equates to 100k a year? How would you get a job out of NYU? NYU is ranked lower than UVA on US News. Everyone who pays full freight gets in, you didn't get in for your own merit." I got confused and told them I would go to UVA or American if we don't have enough money. They started bashing UVA for the same reason. "How would you get an internship in Charlottesville? You're not guaranteed admission to McIntire. What if you don't get in?" Then I was really confused.</p>

<p>The most unreasonable thing they are doing is, though, telling me that I should have applied to other schools. This list includes Emory (the biggest one since I'm in Georgia), UPenn, Cornell, UCLA, UC Berkeley, Rice, Duke, Michigan, and many more. It's not like I would have gotten into any of these except Emory. When they started mentioning Carnegie Mellon, I got mad at them because Stern would probably be better for my career than Tepper. They have also encouraged me to apply to Korea University, where I will have to enter March next year and be a year too old (due to the social structure, I do not want to be too old if I go back to Korea).</p>

<p>My teacher told me not to talk to them for three days and think about my choices, so I'm in that refractory period for now. Do CC parents have some advice for me? Just explaining what the hell my parents are thinking would actually be helpful. Thank you!</p>

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<p>Sorry about your situation. It sounds like your parents are acting like they are the ones going to college and they are remorseful over the application results.</p>

<p>Ask them point blank where they would like you to go, and if you are comfortable with the choice, make it. Then make a clean break from your parents’ emotional manipulations. You are an adult now and it is time to live your own life. Good luck.</p>

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<p>You know your parents better than we do so if you don’t know what they’re thinking then we certainly don’t.</p>

<p>Many foreign born parents don’t understand the college system or opportunities in America. Your story is repeated time and time again on CC by the kids of Asian foreign born parents. </p>

<p>All I can say is to try educating them about these particular colleges and the opportunities they provide. Find some statistics and facts to provide to them - you can often find these facts on the college’s website - employment statistics, companies who recruit at the college, internships, acceptance rates, cost of attendance, etc. This may or may not help them see the light.</p>

<p>I don’t understand the point you stated that they’ve been pushing NYU and then suddenly were against it. What changed their minds (although I assume it’s just one of your parents coming through with this attitude)? Focus on what changed them on this and set them straight.</p>

<p>If your parents are going to start throwing around numbers, such as the cost, then ask them what they’re willing to pay. It could well be that they’re willing to pay different amounts for different schools but find out what they’re willing to pay for the ones you’re interested in and have been accepted to. Don’t accept them throwing out numbers like “$100K” - counter that with the fact of the COA for the particular school. They might have the same attitude about the actual number but at least you’ll all be discussing something factual rather than an exaggeration.</p>

<p>You have some excellent opportunities, ones many other students would love to have, it’d be a shame if you weren’t able to take advantage of them because of ignorance of the facts on the part of your parents.</p>

<p>In the end, it’s their money so they can decide what they’re willing to spend on what whether it’s a logical or fact based decision or not.</p>

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<p>In your shoes I’d marshal up as many facts about the places you like as you can. (Where graduates go, internships that students have, average salaries of graduates, whatever you can dig up.) I’d also try to get them to be clearer about what they can afford and what they think is worth it. Try to stay calm and stick to I statements. “I get upset when I don’t understand what your reasoning is.” “I need to know what you are willing to pay for.” “I am sorry I didn’t apply to more places too, but these are my choices.” You really do have some excellent choices.</p>

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<p>So when you do sit down with your parents, a few things:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>The ivies are water under the bridge, and really not a topic of discussion. Done deal, set them aside.</p></li>
<li><p>You like NYU, they think it is too expensive. They prefer UVA, you didn’t care for the campus. Maybe those two should be set aside now if possible. You “agree to disagree” about those two…</p></li>
<li><p>So focus in on your remaining 5 choices where you have acceptances. What are the pros/cons of each? Which ones have you visited? What is your intended major, and what is the strength of each of them in that area?</p></li>
<li><p>I suppose you have the choice of applying to some of those other schools they wish you had applied to next year after either taking a gap year OR enrolling at one of the “other 5”/transferring.</p></li>
<li><p>If you think you could happily go to one of the “other 5”, I would suggest that to them. Tell them you will give it a try for the first year, and if it does not seem like a good fit TO YOU (not them) you will put in some transfer applications to other schools. Not sure I would emphasize that “to you” part too much, but don’t let them force you into transferring if you are happy…</p></li>
<li><p>They might back down and say, “go for NYU” once they realize you really are considering one of the “other 5”. If you really want NYU, that is good… but don’t count on it.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>I realize, though, that your parents do not seem to be behaving very rationally. So… you should do your best to remain rational and calm. Someone has to be the grownup in the discussion… maybe it needs to be you if you can. :slight_smile: Good luck to you, and congratulations, the parents out here know that you have a nice list of acceptances to consider.</p>

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<p>You have such a great list of choices!<br>
I think you should pick the school you like best and take your parents with you to visit again, sit in on classes and visit the career center. It sounds like they are worried, and need more information.</p>

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<p>Ugh, it sound as if your parents are choosing all the high numbers directly from the USNWR rankings. US Stern is probably a much better choice for you than UVa, financial aid not involved.</p>

<p>But I think you really need to talk to your parents to make this decision. I understand that they’re super unreasonable, but they’re the ones paying for your education. Make sure that you get a sure number on how much they are willing to spend for you, and from that, choose which colleges are viable.</p>

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<p>The OP would need to explain the concept of a “gap year” to his parents. That will not be easy, because Asian parents are so caught up in the idea that you are either going to school, or studying for exams to attend a prestigious school. My own parents are first generation Chinese immigrant parents as well. They could not conceive of me working at the age of 18. </p>

<p>OP - did you receive any other source of merit aid, or was American the only school to offer merit aid?</p>

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<p>If the OP has very conservative Asian parents, the individual happiness of the child is not going the primary concern. Bringing honor/prestige to the family name is going to be the primary concern. Sometimes this obsession with brand names is very unhealthy for the child.</p>

<p>I chose to attend graduate school at a lower ranked school than my undergraduate alma mater, and I have never regretted my decision, although some FOB Chinese graduate students and my own parents thought I was crazy.</p>

<p>OP - do you know what you are going to major?
I hope you get to visit all the places you were accepted in and decide which campus you feel most at home. </p>

<p>If you are going major in the sciences or engineering, I suggest that you look closely at Georgia Tech. There is a large Korean population there, and Georgia Tech is very well known in the United States.</p>

<p>Good luck and please keep us posted.</p>

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<p>What does everyone think of American? Being able to list a 20k scholarship is prestigious, too.</p>

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<p>lullinatalk - your situation happen alot with Asian parents. UVA and NYU are very good schools. UVA is considered public ivy and rank 2nd in the country amount public universities. Many in-state students chooses to go to UVA over ivies due to cost. Why did you not like UVA? PM me if you like I have a 1st year and 4th year at UVA and they like it a lot. Maybe I can give more info. As far as McIntire goes, if you can maintain gpa above 3.5 and active in some organization, you are very likely accepted. Students get intership in DC area and NYC. I know students who were offered full time positions after their summer internship at major companies, conditioned on graduation. </p>

<p>Maybe you should choose of one the accepted schools and then transfer later.</p>

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<p>My son, who attended an Ivy, now works in investment banking. If you are interested in a career in finance, you should know that NYU Stern has excellent placement in the field. My son said that if he had to do apply to college all over again, he would have put NYU high on his list. Show your parents rankings for business programs. You are not comparing NYU in general with other schools in general, you’re comparing their business program to other business programs. NYU students manage to work at part-time internships during the school year at New York financial companies.</p>

<p>NYU is very expensive, and of course living in the city is expensive. But I do think a very smart kid like you would get a good return on your investment from NYU Stern if your parents can afford it. You could easily find a job in the city to help with costs. Neither Washington DC nor Boston are cheap places to live either. My son’s high school friend who went to Univ. of Chicago for economics, did very well in the job market, so if you get in there, that would be a good choice too. Another possibilty is to go to American, work really hard, and try to transfer to somewhere else.</p>

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<p>^^^
Apologies to the OP - I didn’t realize that he was interested in business and attending Stern. (In that case, disregard my previous post about Georgia Tech.) NYU Stern would be best to go for business, especially with its Wall Street connections. Perhaps it would help if the OP’s parents could meet Korean speaking professors or students at NYU Stern and talk with them.</p>

<p>I just found the following quote at my daughter’s school:</p>

<p>“College is not a prize to be won, it is a match to be made”. You might want to keep this saying in mind as you make a decision.</p>

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<p>Thank you for all the answers!</p>

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<p>American was the only school to offer merit aid. It’s the second cheapest next to St Andrews, and it adds up to about 33k.</p>

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<p>Most likely finance, but nuclear engineering or computer science at Georgia Tech is an option too. I know those are two very different majors. My dad has been showing me all these WSJ articles about how much money successful investment bankers make and trying to push me into finance. I am pretty unfamiliar with finance though. I realize it sounds like going into computer science/engineering sounds like a better choice to me, but it all comes back to the question of “will my parents pay for my college education?”</p>

<p>The biggest reason they don’t like UVA - I suspect - is that it’s virtually unknown should I go back to South Korea. They are big on alumni connections.</p>

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<p>I think it might be helpful to emphasize that NYU stern should not be judged by the overall prestige of NYU (although that’s very high, also).</p>

<p>I will add, though, that being an Echols Scholar at U.Va. provides a lot of benefits. Make sure you read about the perks of that before you turn it down.</p>

<p>But from what you say, I have to wonder whether you’d really be happiest at Georgia Tech. While your parents might be interested in having you pursue finance, if you are more interested in computer science/engineering, perhaps they will agree, since that is also a career with lots of opportunities. (Indeed, we’re more used to seeing threads in which kids like you are being pushed into engineering even though they’d prefer to do something else).</p>

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<p>I’m confused. </p>

<p>I know that they now are saying that you should have applied to X,Y,Z…but that’s woulda, coulda, shoulda.</p>

<p>WHERE do they want you to go to school this next fall? </p>

<p>Have they said anything specific about how much you can spend each year on college?</p>

<p>Do they think you’re only choice at this point is to apply to go to school in your home country next spring?</p>

<p>Can you take them to visit American U? At least with the scholarship, that school sounds like a good deal.</p>

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<p>Are your parents in the US with an investor visa, or are they in Korea and planning to apply for an investor visa? Where are you?</p>

<p>If your parents don’t have the investor visa yet, they may not have the money available right now to pay for NYU because they need it to complete the application.</p>

<p>If they do have the investor visa, their money may be tied up in that investment, and they may not have enough spare cash for NYU.</p>

<p>What is your own visa status? Will you study with an F-1, or on an extension of your parents’ investor visa? It is my understanding that the investor visa doesn’t allow you to work, but the F-1 does, and that you would “age out” of an investor visa at 21 and need to convert to an F-1. In either case, as you well know, getting a degree from a college or university in the US does not guarantee that you will find a sponsor for an H-1B (work) visa. Where ever you study, you need to be prepared to return to your home country at the end of your program.</p>

<p>You need to sit down with your parents, and get some clarity about the financial aspects of your situation. You may need to move down the scale a bit, in order to find an affordable college or university in the US. You also need to find out whether the real truth is that they want you to complete your undergraduate degree in Korea.</p>

<p>Wishing you all the best!</p>

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<p>Well, if they decide they don’t want to pay, that’s their decision. I agree that it is poor that they let you go this far and then changed their minds, but it happens all of the time with all sorts of things. When it comes down to making the commitment and laying out money, people back out. It’s their money, their decision. Ask them what they want you to do for the next year? And start putting together a list on what YOU can do for next year.</p>

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<p>I am surprised that UVA is not well known in Korea. Northern Virginia has a large Korean population and many attends UVA. S1’s roomate was Korean.</p>

<p>Maybe the reason your parent want to you to study back in Korea now is becaase they do think the other schools you were accepted was worth the money. Here is the current ranking per Busniess Week. May be you can share with your parents. You need to look at the program and not the university as a whole.</p>

<p>UVA is #2 and all ivies are below UVA. NYU is #15.</p>

<p>Top 15
1 University of Notre Dame (Mendoza)
2 University of Virginia (McIntire)
3 Emory University (Goizueta)
4 University of Pennsylvania (Wharton)
5 Cornell University (Dyson)
6 University of Michigan - Ann Arbor (Ross)
7 Villanova University
8 University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill (Kenan Flagler)
9 Massachusetts Institute of Technology (Sloan)
10 Georgetown University (McDonough)
11 Brigham Young University (Marriott)
12 University of Richmond (Robins)
13 University of California - Berkeley (Haas)
14 Washington University - St. Louis (Olin)
15 New York University (Stern)</p>

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<p>I’m somewhat confused as well. You said they prefer UVa over NYU because it’s ranked higher in USNWR, but then you said they don’t like it. (???) </p>

<p>Back in the day, my parents forced me to go to a specific college because I received a full ride there for academics. I NEVER wanted to go there. I wound up convincing them to allow me to transfer to a much lower ranked school after my first year (my first choice). I had to work to help pay, but I was happy. In fairness, though, I went into college feeling resentful and did not really give my first college a fair chance. I do feel that attitude plays an important role – if you think, “Okay, this may not be what I want, but I’m going to see the positive and make the best of this,” then chances are you’ll be fine. That being said, I did allow my D to choose a lesser ranked school last year because it seemed to be the best fit, and I was determined not to have a repeat of my own experience. FWIW, she’s been very happy and successful and is almost done with her first year at…UVA. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Ask your folks to pick two schools from your list of acceptances that they would be okay with, and then you choose from those two. If they’ll be footing the bill, they should have a say because they know what they can/cannot afford. You, however, are the one going to college so you should also have a say. You must like something about each one, or you wouldn’t have applied, right? This seems to me to be a fair compromise. Whatever the result, remember attitude is everything!</p>

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<p>Location, location, location. If you want to be in business, there is no place like NYU. Go for it.</p>