My Personal Statement Essay - for 2006 NYU, UCLA, Emerson

Applying to College
1

Many of you have already told me that it is very unlikely with my SAT scores that I can make it into the schools I am vying for. One of my hope is that my essay is strong enough and so I like to hear the opinions of everyone, good or bad, but more preferably bad things about my essay. I did this in the spur of things.

My Sat: 1680/2400

SAT English: 490
Math: 580
Writing: 560

GPA: 4.5/4.0 Scale

AP History 3
AP World History 3
AP English 3

Essay :

<pre><code> **I’ll teach “Carpe Diem” to my Parents One Day **

When a Vietnamese child is brought into this world, it is a glorious day for the parents. In the Vietnamese culture, your children are looked upon as bearers of wealth and good fortune, possessing the gift in becoming an engineer, a doctor, or the most renowned-linguist in the near future. Yet for this Vietnamese child, I am looked down upon for trying to pursue the impossible…being creative.

I was motivated in the summer of 05, to become a screenwriter, after watching films such as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and imagining myself winning Academy Awards like Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Charlie Kaufman. It was not uncommon to enter a classroom, and see me expressing my joy for a movie, or even creating a top ten list with a group of my classmates on a dull Wednesday afternoon. What was even less uncommon were seeing the movie reviews I exchanged with my English professor, and me bragging about how great of a movie taste I had in comparison to his. Come on, who in the right mind ranks Cool Hand Luke as their number one movie.

Yet with all these movies, there was one that stood out in my mind, because of one phrase. Dead Poet’s Society made me realized how true of a phrase “Carpe Diem” really was. It means to “seize the day” and not waste a minute of your life. All through my childhood, I have been following the Vietnamese way, choosing the paths that would lead me to riches and support for the family. As desirable as it may be, I don’t want to be rich or have the burden of family on myself; I simply want to live my life, doing what I will be comfortable doing in the near future. My parents, the people who I love deeply, are afraid of me failing, but I constantly tell them, “If I fail, at least I’m failing at what I love to do.”

I have failed many times before and never once regretted it. I failed when I couldn’t capture the number one spot in a Cross-Country race. I’ve failed when I earned a 3 instead of a 4 on my AP History test. I’ve failed when I forget to say “Have a Great Night” to a Sams Club Member on their way out of the store. After failing countless times, I fail to comprehend how much more of a failure I could become in pursuing a screenwriting career.

Creativity is a crime in the eyes of my parents. It should be locked up and sent to a destination, where Vietnamese minds like myself will not be wasted. But I hold the key to my own life and I will follow the guideline of “Carpe Diem” and failing, without regretting one minute of it. There will be a day, whether I am in my dormitory writing the treatment of my first screenplay, or in the retirement home awaiting the nominations for the 125th Academy awards, when I can finally teach my parents “if you believe in Carpe Diem, anything is possible.”
</code></pre>

<li>Is this statement too cliche </li>
<li>Is it too short? It’s about 520 in word length</li>
<li>Is it boring, unoriginal.</li>
<li>Any criticism is valued. Thanks :-)</li>

~Anh

2

<p>Quite good essay =p Mine was full of grammer mistakes...(Did it in 30 minutes), a wonder that I got into any college...</p>

3

<h2>FYI in case u havent read this post</h2>

<p>Posting Essays and other Sensitive Information
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Last edited by sheeprun : 10-18-2004 at 09:25 AM.
sheeprun is offline</p>

4

<p>yes i read the thing before posting but after rereading it a second time, I guess I may as well adhere to the rules lol.</p>

5

<p>good essay. i'm not sure about this but i think the UC's (including UCLA) would like the essay to be as close to 600 words as possible (something like 599-605). i'm not sure though so i suggest reading through the paper application packet "introduction to the university of california"... all california high schools should carry a version of this around october (if you live in CA). the UC application also has a word counter. just fyi.</p>

6

<p>It's a pretty good essay, but an essay alone will not get you into a college, no matter how exquisitely it's written.</p>

7

<p>amen.....................</p>

8

<p>i know i know. Im hoping my GPA, extracurricular activities, essay, will outweigh SAT. Plus with the new Princeton SAT average, NYU was around 1980. thats 300 more but hopefully it wont make that huge of a difference. I still need financial aid as well ugh.</p>

9

<p>Being Vietnamese myself, I think your essay is awesome! I'm taking the "burden of family" way, though. But that's mostly by choice so I am seizing the day!</p>

<p>There are some minor details -- I think there should be a question mark at the end of the Cool Hand Luke sentence, some words that are not pro-nouns are capitalized, and "their way out of the store" should be "his way." Do you work at Sam's Club? Actually, I'm not a big fan of the paragraph about you failing. Is there a less denigrating way of putting that in?</p>

<p>Good job :)</p>

10

<p>yeah i do work at Sam's Club. I wanted to incorporate my job instead of blatantly saying i work there. and yes there are grammar mistakes. this is a first draft</p>

11

<p>donkeyz12212 ...your essay says something wonderful but the tone is all the same...You seem to love movies, treat your essay like a one minute screenplay. You know how a movie opens BAM right in a scene for a few minutes then the scene comes to a resolution and then the opening credits start rolling? Do that with your essay. Dive right in with a real life example of you and your family dynamics...a scene that makes the point by showing it, not talking about it....You could start by describing yourself huffing and puffing across the finish line in cross country....or lumbering out the door of Sams club with a brimming shopping cart and forgetting to acknowledge the greeter....then pull back and generalize....explain what was going on and how you are learning from these experiences. You only have one minute to put the reader right in your shoes. good luck.</p>

12

<p>I think your essay is very, very good.</p>

<p>btw, I like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind too!!! It's such an awesome movie w/ a very unique plot.</p>

13

<p>The essay's content is good, although not outstanding. Just make sure somebody proofreads it for your grammar.</p>

<p>Is English your second language? (I only mention this because you mentioned you are Vietnamese.) If so, why don't you take the TOEFL?</p>

14

<p>bbbbboooooorrrrriiiiinnnnggggg.....</p>

15

<p>i sent you a private msg.</p>

16

<p>hey oedipus...c'mon dont be mean ...the current draft is boring but the central idea is really personal and powerful. donkeyz12212 , treat this like a one minute film and you've got a winning essay. this is the immigrant story. your parents or grandparents siezed the day by moving here but can't express it, or that terrifying adventure is only remembered as painful, not inspiring. Explress your difference with your parents but maybe there is a connection too.</p>

17

<p>1680 is definitely way too low for UCLA. Are you a first generation American? If so, this might help, but realistically, probably not enough to gain admission. You need to, at the very least, break 600 on each of the SAT sections to have a viable chance IMO. You need to take the SATs again. SAT scores will always carry more clout than your best personal statement.</p>

18

<p>Let's be realistic, you will not get into UCLA or NYU with a 1680, no matter what. You have to retake them and do better. Essay wise, it's very impressive but this sentence seems odd " as bearers of wealth and good fortune, possessing the gift in becoming an engineer, a doctor, or the most renowned-linguist in the near future."</p>

19

<p>And by the way, being Vietnamese will not help you in the UC system. There is a high percentage of Vietnamese people who reside here.</p>

20

<p>If you really want to go any of these schools then you need to improve your essay. I would also suggest looking at smaller Liberal Arts schools that place more emphasis on character and GPA than SAT scores. Also, you may also want to take the ACT. I managed a measly 1180 on the old SAT but scored a solid 31 on the ACT.</p>