<p>When a Vietnamese child is brought into this world, it is a glorious day for the parents. In the Vietnamese culture, your [ELIMINATE YOUR---THIS IS UNCLEAR. THE ADCOMS ARE PROBABLY NOT VIETNAMESE. SO SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "THE" INSTEAD OF YOUR] children are looked [CHANGE TO 'ARE SEEN AS', OR 'ARE' GET RID OF 'UPON'] upon as bearers of wealth and good fortune, possessing the gift in becoming an engineer, a doctor, or the most renowned-linguist in the near future. [TRY 'POSSESSING THE POSSIBILITIES,' I DON'T LIKE 'THE GIFT IN BECOMING,' SOUNDS AWKWARD] Yet for this Vietnamese child, I am looked down upon for trying to pursue the impossible
being creative. [CAN YOU MAKE THIS MORE UPBEAT? FOR THE UC'S, A PITY PARTY MIGHT BE OKAY--THEY LIKE HARDSHIP STORIES--BUT I THINK YOU WANT TO COME ACROSS AS SOMEONE WHO OVERCAME THE OBSTACLE OF PARENTAL AND CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS. YOU COULD EVEN GET CREATIVE HERE, LIKE, "MY PARENTS DON'T EXPECT ME TO BRING HOME A DIPOLMA PROUDLY STATING MY M.D. I WON'T EVER OPEN AN OFFICE OF INTERNAL MEDICINE, NOR WILL I WORK AT A FORTUNE 500 COMPANY. I AM THE UNORTHODOX VIETNAMESE CHILD."]</p>
<p>I was motivated in the summer of 05, to become a screenwriter, after watching films such as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind [I'M SURE YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THIS, BUT DON'T FORGET TO ITALICIZE THIS--I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW MOVIES ARE CITED] and imagining myself winning Academy Awards like Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Charlie Kaufman. [CAN YOU USE AN EXAMPLE? "IMAGINE THE RUSH OF HEARING MY NAME CALLED FOR 'BEST SCREENPLAY' OR 'BEST DIRECTOR.' YOU COULD EVEN WORK IN THANKING YOUR PARENTS, AND HOW THEY WOULD REACT.] It was not uncommon to enter a classroom, and see me expressing my joy for a movie, [WHO SEES YOU? THIS IMAGINARY PERSON IS UNCLEAR] or even creating a top ten list [OF WHAT? TRY EXAMPLES, CATEGORIES. 'KATE HUDSON'S TOP TEN' OR 'DRAMA--TOP TEN' OR 'HISTORICAL FILMS--TOP TEN'] th a group of my classmates on a dull Wednesday afternoon [INSTEAD OF DOING CLASSWORK? MMM.]. What was even less uncommon were seeing ['WERE SEEING'? YOU HAVE YOUR INVISIBLE PERSON THERE--S/HE DOESN'T EXIST, MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO REFERENCES TO THIS PERSON] the movie reviews I exchanged with my English professor, and me bragging [I DON'T LIKE 'ME BRAGGING,' SOUNDS AWKWARD'] about how great of a movie taste I had in comparison to his. Come on, [THIS IS A LITTLE TOO INFORMAL] who in the right mind ranks Cool Hand Luke as their number one movie. [IS THIS A JOKE? IT SOUNDS CONDESCENDING. YOU ARE ONLY 17, 18. WRITE LIKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU STILL HAVE MUCH TO EXPERIENCE IN THE WORLD, STILL HAVE MANY PEOPLE AND EXPERIENCES TO LEARN FROM AND INCORPORATE IN YOUR MASTERPIECE SCREENPLAY/FILM] </p>
<p>Yet with all these movies, there was one that stood out in my mind, because of one phrase. Dead Poets Society made me realized how true of a phrase Carpe Diem really was. [TRY 'MADE ME REALIZE THE TRUTH OF THE PHRASE.' ALSO TRY AN EXAMPLE. I CAN'T REMEMBER MUCH OF 'DEAD POETS' BUT TRY, 'WITH CHARACTER 1, I LEARNED THE TRUTH OF THE PHRASE'] It means to seize the day and not waste a minute of your life [AGAIN, TOO INFORMAL. ALSO, I CAN PRESENT AN ARGUMENT AGAINST YOU ON THIS---WHY DO YOU THINK SOME VIETNAMESE CHILDREN ARE WASTING THEIR LIVES LIVING FOR PARENTAL/CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS? PERHAPS THAT SATISFIES THEM, AND IF IT DOES, IT ISN'T CONSIDERED A 'WASTE.' WHAT MAKES YOU DIFFERENT? THINK ABOUT THE ANSWERS AND HOW YOU CAN PRESENT THEM IN YOUR ESSAY.] All through my childhood, I have been following the Vietnamese way, choosing the paths that would lead me to riches and support for the family [TRY, 'SELECTING THE PATHS THAT WOULD ENABLE MY FUTURE FAMILY TO BE FINANCIALLY COMFORTABLE.'] As desirable as it may be, I dont want to be rich or have the burden of family on myself; I simply want to live my life, doing what I will be comfortable doing in the near future. My parents, the people [UNNECESSARY, WE KNOW THEY'RE NOT DONKEYS] who I love deeply, are afraid of me failing, but I constantly tell [REMIND] them, If I fail, at least Im failing at what I love to do. [WHAT'S THEIR RESPONSE?]</p>
<p>I have failed many times before and never once regretted it. I failed when I couldnt capture the number one spot in a Cross-Country race. Ive failed when I earned a 3 instead of a 4 on my AP History test [WHY IS YOUR HISTORY TEST DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER AP'S? OR IS THIS JUST AN EXAMPLE?]. Ive failed when I forget to say Have a Great Night to a Sams Club Member on their way out of the store. [I LIKE THIS EXAMPLE! MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A REAL KID WHO HAS JOB, ETC.] After failing countless times, I fail [TRY ANOTHER WORD] to comprehend how much more of a failure I could become in pursuing a screenwriting career. </p>
<p>Creativity is a crime in the eyes of my parents [AND YOUR PARENTS ARE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY YOUR CULTURE. THEY HAVEN'T ADAPTED TO THE AMERICAN/WESTERN IDEA OF 'LET YOUR CHILDREN DO WHAT MAKES THEM HAPPY' OR ANY OTHER OF THE MORE UNORTHODOX IDEAS ABOUT CAREERS IN OUR CULTURE]. It should be locked up [BOXED AWAY? CONTINUE THE ANALOGY, LIKE THEY WANT TO TAPE THE PACKAGE UP AND MAIL IT AWAY TO BALI] and sent to a destination, where Vietnamese minds like myself [UNNECESARY] will not be wasted. [LIKE THAT!] But I hold the key to my own life and I will follow the guideline of Carpe Diem and failing, without regretting one minute of it. There will be a day, whether I am in my dormitory writing the treatment of my first screenplay, [IS THIS AN INTENTIONAL REFERENCE TO MATT DAMON WRITING 'GOOD WILL HUNTING' AT HARVARD?] or in the retirement home awaiting the nominations for the 125th Academy awards, when I can finally teach [SHOW] my parents if you believe in Carpe Diem, anything is possible. </p>
<p>I like your essay, it has a good central idea. It seems to be, though, to be a bit whiny. Don't show your whiny side. Whiny sides are always weaknesses, and this essay needs to make you stronger. Also, I don't see any examples of your movie knowledge. You say that you're well-versed in movies, but do mention some more obscure movies. What are you interested in? Oliver Stone? You could always mention something like, "My parents were deeply disappointed when I spent afternoons scouring baskets of old movies for one copy of Sean Penn's 'The Indian Runner' instead of exerting my eyes trying to find that cancerous cell under the microscope." Just an example.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>