My personal statement: Feedback pls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chance Me / Match Me!
1

<p>Hey..............Can I PLEASE HAVE SOME FEED BACK ON THIS???????????</p>

<p>"I was never one of those students who spent all their time with textbooks. While many students began their work early in the year, I divided my time freely between the various extracurricular activities, just studying enough to somehow keep my grades above average. My extracurricular activities included singing, dancing, actively participating as a contributing reporter for the school newsletter, while doing Publishing Club; I took part in community service, relishing the feeling of satisfaction when bringing even an afternoon of love and joy to orphaned and handicapped children. When I volunteered to work at my college’s ‘Book Fair’ for 2 years, I was chosen to work on the Accounts team for one year, and was selected as Head of the Senior Sales team for another year.</p>

<p>My love for writing enabled me to be chosen as one of the selected few to report for Rising Stars and Lifestyle, Supplements of the Daily Star (National newspaper). My work has been published in 3 international publications up to date, and I also received an Editor’s Award from one of those. All in all, I decided my life wasn’t too bad, even though I failed to excel academically, although my grades were always above average.</p>

<p>I guess what I lacked was motivation. My parents were forever pressuring me to study medicine, as they wanted a doctor in the family, and I was an only child. No amount of cajoling would change their minds. Resigned to having a career I never wanted made me grow careless about studies, as reflected by my poor A Level grades. Yet, one day something happened that changed my whole view of life. I came across corruption.</p>

<p>I read about a poor girl, of working parents, being raped brutally and left for dead. I read about another poor child being beaten, abused and starved to death by employers. Once one was aware, such cases were easy to spot, but it was their increasing frequency and extent of injustice that shocked me. It was then that I decided to take up Law, at least in attempt to make a difference in the lives of these deprived people. In today’s world, corruption seems to be a common feature, which people have almost gotten used to and many even chose to ignore. If I were given a chance I would endeavor to bring about a change in society, since I believe strongly it justice being served.</p>

<p>Since I have always been good at debating, I believe Law is a profession I will excel in. People have also told me that when I speak during discussions, my points are very orderly arranged and strongly supported. When performing on stage, or speaking in front of an audience, I relish the feeling, instead of getting nervous as many others do. My work during the Book fairs and as Assistant Teacher has provided me with experience in dealing with different people, and this should help in the career path of Law that I shall follow."</p>

2

<p>what's the prompt and for which schools? </p>

<p>i dunno, your essay's okay, i was kind of falling asleep. see, i can't concentrate for too long and when i see an essay with a bunch of activities and awards, i feel like reaching for your resume instead ('coz i like the list format). since i'm pretty sure you will get the chance to list your activities in the activities list, cut down on the temptation to repeat your resume. it hurts you.</p>

<p>also, this essay is not compelling at all. you spend less than half of your essay talking about the very thing that "changed your whole view of life." you're not offering anything fresh in your epiphany. and yeah, try not to use the same word twice ("relish" really sticks out, and not in a good way).</p>

3

<p>On the whole you write fairly well, but for a published writer, it needs to be better. Tighten it up, it's too wordy. You also misuse some words and phrases..."up to date" where you need to date, corruption which doesn't work with the examples you use.</p>

<p>It also sounds defensive, like a long way of explaining and making excuses for your grades. There is nothing special in the content, you're not displaying any interesting thoughts, humor or anything unique about yourself.</p>

4

<p>Your essay would be a lot better if you:
1. Didn't focus on making excuses for your grades
2. Provided some evidence about what actions you have taken that support your interest in law and presumably in advocating for abused kids. Thus far, all you've talked about is wanting to be a lawyer, but you haven't described taking any specific actions that demonstrate your concern about abused kids or your interest in law. If you haven't done any such things, then it will be hard for the college to believe that you are serious about your interest in law or abused kids. Anyone can have big dreams. Relatively few people, though, take actions to support their dreams.</p>

<p>In the absense of strong grades, you need to have done something that shows your passion for your law/child advocacy interests since that's where you say your heart now is.</p>

5

<p>Your first sentence has to grab the reader. Maybe consider changing the word 'with' to something more dramatic. Also 'work' in the next sentence seems undefined. I know you mean school work, but......
The sentence staring with 'My extra'... seems run on 'Singing etc'... seems as a different thought than community service. I would break that up into two sentences. Head, National, Law and some others capitalized? Hmmm.
The 'All in all' sentence seems run on also.
Oops have to go.... anyway I'm going to engineering school, so what do I know he-he</p>

6

<p>Tell it like a story, not like a regurgitation of your transcript. "While many students began their work early in the year, I divided my time freely between the various extracurricular activities, just studying enough to somehow keep my grades above average" <---classic example of what colleges DON'T want to see.</p>

7

<p>the first 2 paragraphs are nongermaine....Unless your extracurriculars have something to do with your desire to go into law, then it serves no purpose to list them off.
It took over half the essay for you to make your point. The main "thesis" (it's in quotes because it's not really a thesis, but you know, the main idea, the purpose) should be somewhere in your first paragraph. Especially when it's supposed to be a rather short essay, yours seems very long-winded.</p>

8

<p>can you please look at my personal statement.
it’s on my thread.
please and thank you!
:)</p>

9

<p>can you please give me feedback on my personal statement.
please and thank you.
:)</p>