<p>I want some critical feedback on my UC personal statement. Its only my rough draft. Does anyone know if I should focus more on somthing, elaborate more, or anything else?
Thanks!</p>
<p>Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>
<p>Prompt #1
Located in the beautiful, agricultural enriched lands of the Salinas Valley, I am fortunate to have been raised in the small city of Greenfield California. Greenfield has been understated to be an academically low-performing community; however, with its resources, I have become an extremely fortunate, well-rounded young adult. Extending from the kitchen in my house, to the classroom of my school, to the homes of my communitys members, and, to the outskirts of the city, I have been engulfing myself with vast supplements of information that have sculpted my character, abilities, ideas, and goals.
I became the first child to my parents. I grew to have two younger brothers and one little sister. Being the eldest has allowed me to experience first-hand circumstances, such as being the first to go to school, the first to think of college, and the first to write a personal statement. These experiences have allowed me to teach my three younger siblings the right and better paths throughout life; by teaching, I am allowed to learn twice, thus is why I am grateful for being given the responsibility to be first of my family. Having the feeling of being watched and noted carefully by three younger siblings who also want to succeed in life is one of motivations I use to accomplish the feats I have in life and to continue my education at the university level.<br>
As a child I have always been recognized as a hard worker. I demonstrated active participation in my classroom and my outstanding grades reflected my hard work. I supplemented my academic devotion with rigorous work around the house. Alongside my father, I put together numerous porches, applied stucco around both my houses, built strong steel gates, dug and filled countless squared feet with neat layers of concrete, replaced our homes traditional wooden fence with a strong durable concrete block fence, and many more diverse house maintaining tasks. As neighbors saw the little Sosa children working, some would comment on our familys hard work, while others denounced my father of taking advantage of his children. However, my father argued that he only worked his kids hard to teach us the value of hard work and to better prepare his children for life. My father suggested that he had nothing to gain, but a lot for us to receive. My close relation with hands on work and experience with the diverse tasks I undertook is a reason why I hope to continue Civil Engineering at the university level. To his day I continue to help my father, but also reflect hard work in my classroom where I will truly be challenged.
Extending into the community, there have been numerous people who have shaped my character. My school teachers have taught me the importance of hard work, while my karate instructor emphasized the spiritual development of humbleness and devotion to the responsibilities I have. Leaders of my 4H Club have given me the qualities of public speaking and leadership responsibilities that I will carry for the rest of my life.<br>
My small community has a large Hispanic population, and unfortunately, I have heard some comments from my community suggesting that they believe that having a Mexican ancestry and coming from the city of Greenfield is a disadvantage. The state of mind people have in my community is another strong motivation of mine. My parents and others have consistently told me that anyone can accomplish anything with hard work and ambition. Having that in mind, my goal is to alter the state of mind that my community has, to change allow Greenfield to see that I too who have a Mexican background and was born and raised from a low-performing school in the Central Coast of California can graduate from high school and contribute my hard working, ambitious character to the University of California.</p>