A few moths ago I moved on res and I share a room and bathroom with this girl. We are competently different schedule. I tend to have a consistent early wake up (7:30am) and early bed time (11:30pm). She doesn’t come home until around midnight whether she works (3 times per week) or not. She usually sleeps until around noon. I’m a deep sleeper so I don’t hear her come home unless I’m awake already.
During the first month and a half I would have my alarm (which I admit it was loud and I really should have done something earlier) set and turn it off really quickly. Then I would would carefully make my way to the bathroom to shower. Last week she came in in the evening in a pretty bad mood and started listening to music loudly for 20 minutes and then left by slamming the door. I then saw she pasted a note asking to keep the noise down in the morning because she works and that she would do the same at night. I thought that was fair.
I then figured out how to set my alarm to vibrate and went to shower at the gym twice a week instead of our room. I also set my clothing out ready to go and my backpack out in the living room so she doesn’t hear the zippers. I generally don’t enter the room until after 2pm whether I’m home early just so I can make sure she isn’t sleeping. Today I didn’t shower fearing it would wake her up. I didn’t have anything to do today so I stayed in bed until around 10. I then did my weekly laundry (which is on the 1st floor of the residence, we are on the 3rd). I came back at around 12:30 and began putting away my clothes. I also took my clean bed sheets and started to make the bed. I tried to be as quiet as I could ,I really did, but the covers on the beds make a bit of noise. I figured since it was around 1pm she would be awake and wouldn’t mind some noise. I’m pretty sure she was angry because after a few minutes she got up and went into the bathroom (slamming the door behind her).
I don’t know what to do. Am I a bad roommate? I swear she hates my guts. I don’t want to be friends with her but I don’t want her to hate me. I don’t want her slamming doors and huffing. I pay my rent on time, I never leave any dishes in the sink (I wash them shortly after eating) and I don’t eat anyone’s food other than my own. I am try to limit my contact with her and try not to be in the same room as her. I fear my mere presence is annoying for her. I’m only living here until August so I don’t mind being extra careful but one of my bowls also mysteriously went missing this morning. What do I do?
You and your roommate both have equal rights to enjoy your room and your schedules the way you want. You’re both due reasonable accommodations for each other’s sleep schedules and activities. It is reasonable, for example, for her to expect you to be as quiet as possible when you rise at 7:30 in the morning if she’s still sleeping, and it sounds like you’ve made a number of accommodations to try to be quiet when you wake up so you don’t wake her.
IMO, it’s not reasonable for her to expect you to
- be completely silent when you get up;
- alter your own sleep/wake schedule to accommodate her needs;
- try to tiptoe around once you get past about 11 am.
Expecting you to be quiet in your own room so she can sleep in past 1 pm is ridiculous. That’s the afternoon! It is, of course, her prerogative to try to sleep in that late if she wants - but that’s pushing the boundaries of what one should expect a roommate to accommodate. Part of living with other people is learning to deal, and that goes both ways. You showering in the gym and exiling yourself until until 2 pm are also unreasonable expectations.
Leaving notes is passive-aggressive. What you and your roommate need to do is have a sit-down, face-to-face conversation about your needs and expectations, particularly with sleep and entry schedules. One of those, for example, may be setting a concept of quiet hours - so maybe the hours that you are expected to respect sleep time are between 11 pm and 9 am. Maybe you are willing to get dressed in the living room but not willing to shower in the gym.
Another thing that took me a long time to realize - you are not responsible for other people’s moodiness because of their unreasonable expectations. You can’t help or control the fact that she’s angry because she’s expecting you to tiptoe around the dorm room at 1 pm; she can be angry and slam doors if she wants to. Again, having that sit down conversation to establish some agreements between the two of you may reduce the amount of time she’s angry, but if she’s upset because you’re not going to shower in the gym every morning so she can hear a pin drop while she sleeps well into the afternoon…well, she’s going to have to deal with it.
And ask her about the bowl!
This ^^^ especially the next-to-last last paragraph. As someone who was brought up to dread disappointing others, it’s something I struggled with for years and occasionally have difficulty doing as an adult, and it’s hard. The fact that someone is angry with you does NOT mean that it’s necessarily your fault. The fact that you question yourself so much about this situation speaks to your desire to be reasonable. Her actions do not.
I have a feeling that the more you tiptoe (actually and figuratively) the more she will heap scorn on you, because she can, and maybe she likes pushing your buttons. Or maybe she’s frustrated and doesn’t have the maturity to work it out directly and slamming around and pouting is the only way she has to send a message.
Have that direct talk with her. Hold your ground, while listening and being respectful (but not submissive.) Remind yourself that you have the right to make a little necessary noise while getting dressed (while trying to be considerate. Zipping your bag in the living room is VERY considerate and she should appreciate it…) I agree that after about 9AM (that’s eight hours of sleep for her if she goes to bed at 1 AM) you should be able to make any kind of normal living noise you want most days. If she were actually considerate and respectful toward you as well, you might want to extend that quiet time until later on certain days if she happens to have a good reason for a very late night here and there…but not as a general rule…and not for a person who would take that courtesy on your part as an entitlement to abuse.