<p>My son who was so looking forward to his college experience but isn't having a good time and seems very depressed. He texted his older sister and what he said was sad. I am really upset. He seems lonely. I don't want to be a helicopter parent, and he isn't the type of kid to tell us his issues, but I know he needs help. He comes from a smaller school K-12 where he knew everyone & had the same friends all of his life, so meeting new people was never an issue. I think he is overwhelmed. Any suggestions? Anyone in same boat?</p>
<p>It’s going to take time, as he hasn’t had to make new friends for years it sounds like.
Playing sports even if it is just a pick up game is a good way to meet people.
My daughter organized flag football games, at her school and she is far from outgoing.</p>
<p>If he is shy and has trouble striking up conversations with strangers (or rather potential friends) maybe he could try Leil Lowdnes “How to Talk to Anyone–92 tricks” I bought one for my D and then one for myself because it is so good. Just a few things can really help break the ice.</p>
<p>He is not alone. Even kids who looked forward to college and going away get homesick and have adjustment problems. </p>
<p>If it were my son, I would touch base a little more often, but be casual about it. Send a care package. If you are planning on visiting, talk about that----six weeks out from the start of school is often a good time to drop by. At that point some of the shiny newness has worn off and kids are ready to see a familiar face. Then they can make it to Xmas break. </p>
<p>I’d offer up or have sister offer up some ideas for meeting people: do stuff organized by the RA or drop in on the RA and ask about what is happening on campus; go to church/synagogue; if not religious, maybe an ethnic organization, like Asian engineers; go to the gym both alone and then to take a group class; keep an eye out for club meetings and mixers to attend;volunteer. It is still early enough in the year that there should be some activities starting up and looking for members. Even just study in the room with the door open!</p>
<p>He will have to put himself out there more. He grew up in a comfortable place and knew everyone. Now he is in a new place and he doesn’t remember how to get out there and meet people. Sometimes we get lucky and people just cross our paths, but not always. </p>
<p>Reassure him these things take time, and you are sure he will make friends if he joins a couple groups and is patient. And college friends are different than K-12 friends anyway. Don’t radiate anxiety about it, or he will feel like you also feel he’s doomed. Send him care packages with lots of food to share, and coach him what to say “Hey, my mom went overboard, can you help me out?” Send him postcardsregularly just so he sees something friendly. Encourage him (don’t schedule things, make sure you are flexible, etc.) to connect with his old friends over breaks, or skype. (Sometimes we all need to be reminded that we are likeable and valued!) And when you see him, make sure to hug him. We forget that too many people go through a day with no physical contact! They need to store up some Mom for later, as it were :)</p>
<p>A lot of kids feel this way freshman year, even the outgoing ones. They are accustomed to having old friends around, but now everyone is new. </p>
<p>He needs to develop some social skills, shy or not. <em>Everyone</em> is vulnerable when they make overtures to new people, and <em>everyone</em> risks the pain of rejection. Maybe it would help him if he realizes that everyone else is trying to find their feet, too. “Assume good intentions” is, IMHO, a good way to approach other people.</p>
<p>Baby steps? Try to talk with kids on his hall? Do they have ice-breaker events in his dorm? In my experience, most kids are pretty inclusive at this stage. (Admittedly, I don’t have experience with the kind of place where everyone seems to know each other from HS…is that an issue for him?) gouf78’s book sounds helpful.</p>
<p>I agree that it takes time. My kids’ college friends fell into 2 groups - friends from clubs and activities, and friends from their dorms. He should look out for activities that interest him, and he will find people with similar interests there. </p>
<p>I was very pleased that my younger D’s school formed the freshmen into small groups living in the same hall, with a couple of sophomores leading them in group activities throughout the year. It helped her to bond with her dorm neighbors and those continue to be her best friends. My older D’s friends were mostly from her club sport team and a professional sorority. My son’s friends all had an interest in video games.</p>
<p>If he’s going to a larger school, there may be too many opportunities and he just can’t figure out how to get started. He needs to just pick one - an art museum tour, a club sport, a zumba class at the gym (and don’t think those boys in a mostly female class aren’t popular!), a dinner at a religious club. Just one. Sometimes there are weekend escapes for hiking, camping, or in depth study that might get him a small group to get started.</p>
<p>One of my kids is going to a flagship and she’s trying to do everything - no way! There is so much to do, so many different opportunities. She happens to like the big sorority social scene, the football games, swing dancing, but there are tons of other things she’s not doing. The Facebook feed is constantly announcing small lectures on everything from why the leaves are changing to Indian art to comic book drawing. She wishes she could do it all.</p>
<p>My other daughter is at a much smaller school, but activities are almost required. Each freshman has to take a ‘freshman experience’ course, and a certain number of ‘experiences’ are required, attendance taken by swiping the ID card. They must try out different things like shows at the auditorium, alcohol education, athletic events. My daughter has trouble fitting these things in because she has a full schedule of athletic training, classes, labs, and mandatory study tables (NCAA requirement). She told me she feels like she knows everyone on campus already, and when she’s talking to me on the phone, she’s always saying ‘hi’ to someone as they walk by (a habit I find very annoying, but she is happy). These are not lifelong friends, but it is nice to see friendly faces as she goes through her day.</p>
<p>If you look in the College Life Subform (<a href=“College Life - College Confidential Forums”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/</a>) You will see many similar inquiries. Look at the responses. Basically all saying to initiate social contacts by attending dorm activities, freshman activities, going to clubs, asking people in your dorm to go to the dining hall, joining an intramural team, etc.</p>
<p>avalonk - as I have stated on this board in other posts, my D is exactly like this. She went to the same small independent high school since kindergarten (Class of 2014=125), and she has had the same friends for 13 years. She is having good days and bad days at school, mostly good ones now. She talks to her friends via Skype or whatever means they use. She is very introverted, does not like to go to the library or dining hall alone because it is “awkward” to walk in and find somewhere to sit. Just found out she eats lunch in her room most days though she does eat dinner most nights with her suitemates. </p>
<p>I feel your pain. We want to help them, but cannot from afar. One of her friends came home this weekend, but of course there was no one here, so she spent some much needed family time. I am going up to the school this weekend for an alumni function with the added bonus that I will see her!! That is getting her through the bad times.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your baby.</p>
<p>There have been other threads regarding outgoing children who are also having the same transition shock.
When you have had the same group of friends for years, you probably don’t even think about the effort involved in making new ones.
( and for those whose friends are from elementary school, much of the effort was probably expended by the patents initially)
Encourage him to find at least one club, team or study group, and to be patient.</p>
<p>It’s so hard when your kids are struggling - and there’s really nothing you can do about it. If you have a chance to talk to him, you can mention some of the suggestions above. But, of course, you can’t make him take the suggestion. </p>
<p>You can, however, send a big care package with plenty of food to share. Encourage him to take the food out to the lounge or common space and share. A PlayStation also helped my son make friends. </p>
<p>Gosh, I really miss the “good old days” with only one communal TV in the lounge (and no laptops). I met everyone on my floor around the TV including my 2 best friends to this day. We bonded over Remington Steele. :)</p>
<p>My S was also very quiet/shy when he started college and it took a while to get his feet under him. I’d recommend that he seek out a club or two that he finds interesting, that he goes to any activities in his dorm, etc.</p>
<p>megpmom - loved Remington Steele 
I also met one of best friends in common room watching TV. </p>
<p>OP, just be sure to tell S that college friendships may be different than lifelong friends and are based more on common interests. He will likely find different types of friends in different places…D has her suitemates and close friend group, then she has a group of friends from religious group she participates with, several decent friends from her major that end up in most of her classes, some from participation in leadership group for honors program, some from club sports, etc. plus a few from HS that are at same school. Remind him that others are feeling same way, but won’t show it for feel of being not cool. Sending cookies for hall is great suggestion. Maybe there is a class where he could suggest a study group. Join an interest group for his major if he has one. Listen for TVs - there was group in Ds freshman dorm that always watched Castle together and some that watched Walking Dead (D is in both groups)</p>
<p>I know that it was almost the end of first semester when I went to college before I didn’t want to go home every weekend. Then it clicked and I never went home! Encourage him to not expect to make best friends right away. And encourage him to go to planned dorm activities even he would consider them lame. </p>
<p>Intramural sports are great for socializing. If he’s not into sports, perhaps music groups or clubs would be helpful. As the course progress, there may also be group projects that help. </p>
<p>Here’s another idea… if there are tutoring sessions, maybe he could drop by to possibly stumble into study buddy groups. </p>