My Son Blindsided Me and DW Saying that he Wants to Join a Frat

Parents Forum
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<p>So, I first want to say that I am not ignorant of the fact that a lot of socialization in college revolves around alcohol. I am a college professor myself, and while we do not approve of alcohol in large quantities (I have maybe a few beers every couple of months while my wife has never drank in her life), we are not so blind to think that our DS does not at least dabble in it. We have a fairly good relationship with DS, and do know he has messed around with weed here and there, and he has said that he has at least had alcohol. We both try to stay out of his life, as we know that he is a smart kid that knows the danger involved (my wife is a social worker that works with a certain demographic that is likely to abuse alcohol, and both of us have talked about the dangers with him.</p>

<p>So, this weekend, on his weekly call he mentions that he is seriously considering rushing a frat next semester. We were pretty much blindsided by this, he has never expressed any interest in this before and he does not go to a very greek-heavy school. Apparently his friend is currently pledging (whatever that means) at this frat, and through this friend DS apparently has met a lot of the brothers and other pledges. </p>

<p>I guess I was just looking for some advice from parents who might have a bit more experience with frats. I never had any interest in frats when I went to school (way back when), but my experiences I did have (parties, just meeting people) were mostly negative- a bunch of overly social exclusive rich kids- and I just don't think that is my son at all. He is a quiet, smart kid who grew up in a rougher part of town, we are not poor (we are actually fairly well off), but that is not because of us being privileged, but rather because we have always been frugal and hardworking. </p>

<p>So, what were your experiences with fraternities? Any advice you can give us as parents? Should we encourage DS to not rush and possibly lose that opportunity (according to him, since he is a sophomore now it would be hard for him to rush next year)?</p>

<p>Some other info that might be useful:</p>

<p>-He has a 3.4 GPA, which has risen each semester so far</p>

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<p>lol @ username.</p>

<p>I think the best you can do is have a sense of humor about it.</p>

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<p>I was very surprised when DS joined a fraternity at a very non-Greek oriented college. He had never expressed an interest in this previously. I did not feel it was my position to opine on this, although I did advise him that all related fees would be his responsibility. He joined the fraternity, and, through it, gained leadership experience, friendships and connections, and had a lot of fun. If your sophomore is electing to join a fraternity, there clearly must be something he hopes to gain from the experience. I would not assume that substance abuse is that thing. You could ask him why he has made this choice, just to understand him better.</p>

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<p>Our son - a quiet, socially awkward young man - did the same thing the second semester of his freshman year. We were torn between being pleased that he’d found a social group, and being terrified. We opted to let go and let him do whatever exploring he needed to do, while keeping the relationship with him open and asking strategic, non-judgmental questions designed to draw out his thoughts while being supportive and conveying our confidence in him. We never confronted him with direct questions, such as how much he drinks.</p>

<p>The one line we did draw was telling him we wanted him to stay in the dorm through his sophomore year before moving into “the house” his junior year. This gave him a bit more maturity before he moved in. Though we hadn’t realized it beforehand, it also had the added bonus of him outgrowing some of those frosh/soph behaviors, so that he was actually turned off more than energized by the more excessive carousing. His senior year, he moved out of the fraternity house into an apartment.</p>

<p>On the whole, I think the fraternity was a good thing for him. It gave him a social group and a sense of belonging on a large campus. He had a lot of fun. It also made our 3.1 GPA son look and feel smart in comparison to others! ;)</p>

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<p>Thanks for the replies! My main worry is he is doing it for the wrong reasons. We didn’t get to talk much, I was running out of the house when he called. I’m just worried that he is doing this because he doesn’t want to lose his friend or he is being pushed to do so. I probably just need to get out of my helicopter now, haha.</p>

<p>But the housing issue is not a problem. He does not want to live in the house, as, according to him it is too loud and would be hard to study there.</p>

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<p>What is the reputation of the fraternity house of interest at the school he attends?</p>

<p>When I went to college, the different fraternities did have different reputations with respect to alcohol consumption (ranging from stereotypical “animal houses” to those which drank relatively little alcohol). There were likely also difference in how close, or over, the line their initiation rites came to hazing.</p>

<p>Since then, some schools have required fraternities to go dry, or otherwise imposed tighter restrictions on alcohol. You may want to check what your son’s school’s policy is on that front.</p>

<p>Note that there are a number of characteristics of the student and school associated with higher and lower drinking tendencies:
[High-Risk</a> Drinking in College: Understanding College Drinking From a Multidimensional Perspective](<a href=“College Drinking, Changing the Culture”>http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/niaaacollegematerials/panel01/highrisk_05.aspx)
[Frequently</a> Asked Questions](<a href=“Archive-It - Center for the History of Medicine”>Archive-It - Center for the History of Medicine)
[Drinking</a> patterns due to gender, age, race, frats, religion, etc. with ‘high’(binge) and ‘low’ risk students](<a href=“Indiana University Bloomington”>Indiana University Bloomington)</p>

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<p>You won’t get any useful advice on this unless you tell us the name of the school. Greek life differs so much from campus to campus. Otherwise, it’s like saying, “my son wants to go to a college, what do you think?”</p>

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<p>My son, a very studious and introverted young man, also joined a fraternity. We were very surprised when he said he wanted to pledge. As others here have said you need to talk to your son and find out a bit more about the organization and its reputation. My son drinks but he is not a big partier. He prefers smaller, more intimate social gatherings. </p>

<p>It turns out that the fraternity he joined is a “dry” fraternity. I used quotes when I said dry because although no alcohol is permitted in the house, or at official fraternity events that does not mean none of the brothers drink. It just means that the bonds build within the fraternity need to be built on something other than being drinking buddies. </p>

<p>Does your son’s school publish any data on the academic progress of Greek students vs the general population? My son’s school publishes quite a bit of data which reports GPA, by organization for men and women’s Greek organizations at the school. That data shows that at his school students in Greek organizations have GPAs slightly higher than the general population.</p>

<p>We have also been surprised by the costs. He pays his own dues but the costs for housing and meal plan are significantly lower now that he is living in the house. Plus-he says the food is better than the dining hall. Overall lower costs for what he considers better accommodations and better food is a bonus for us.</p>

<p>My son got a 4.0 the semester he pledged. I really think that the experience of pledging is different at every school. I know at my son’s school the chapters care about the published data so the brothers make sure the pledges do well in school. I am sure that there are schools where that does not happen. I think you need to speak to your son about his expectations.</p>

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<p>He must of seen Animal House, no going back now.</p>

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<p>Sounds like he wants to follow his friend. maybe he’s attended some parties at the House that his friend pledged and thinks pledging would be good for him.</p>

<p>What about the costs? Some Greek Houses have costly fees and obligations (formal dances, trips, etc).</p>

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<p>Our daughter was interested at one point as well. We were in full agreement that she could do this, if she wanted to…but we asked that she pay ALL costs associated with sorority membership (we were paying the full cost of her attendance in college, and had made it clear that all discretionary spending money had to come from our kids…we viewed sorority membership as discretionary).</p>

<p>She reviewed those costs (she thought we would pay) and decided not to rush.</p>

<p>That being said, her school was less than 3% Greek. If the school had been 98% Greek, we might have thought differently. Also, so many fraternities and sororities do wonderful community service and outreach, and they can be a social bonus for students. </p>

<p>YMMV depending on the school, and even the fraternity.</p>

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<p>Not necessarily a disaster. I admit I would be worried if my sons wanted to join a frat, but they aren’t all awful beer swilling places. Find out more and be ready to trust your son.</p>

<p>My brother went to a big STEM school. He was quiet and introverted, very studious, made fantastic grades…and he joined a frat. We were all floored when he did it, but for him it ended up being a great choice. His frat was as nerdy as he was, and he made some great friends there. He lived in the house, and my folks were horrified at the living conditions there every time they visited. They figured the social benefits outweighed the public health risks.</p>

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<p>You need to acknowledge that it’s his lifestyle and preferences at hand, not yours. He will discover himself, his assets and his flaws, by venturing on his own. We would all, at least some of us, would love to be there on campus watching over the shoulders of our children. But that’s neither wise nor beneficial in the long run.</p>

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<p>Offering another perspective: As parents who were Greeks in college, we <em>encouraged</em> all of our kids to go Greek (and paid for it) and they all did. No “terrifying” consequences to report. Lol</p>

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<p>We have been there! We both come from LACs with either no greek life or really strong, obnoxious greek life, so were opposed to it when our son started college. Our slightly quirky but ever-ready-to-party son mentioned he was interested in rushing this year, as a sophomore at big state school with smaller greek life. We threw a fit, I yelled a lot, our relationships spiraled downward, it was a mess. We finally said if he did, the costs were his responsibility. </p>

<p>Well, he is half way through pledging a fraternity that seems to be a good fit for him. I can see the upside, though I have to be in a pretty good mood to admit it. For someone like him, with alot of energy but not a lot of focus, this gives him a pre-selected range of activities and commitments. He is not a joiner on his own so would not find service projects or rec league sports now that he is out of the dorm. However, the structure of his fraternity life requires that he be involved in service, in campus activities etc. The accountability is good discipline for him. The first several weeks of rush and then pledging, he seemed to struggle academically – way too much partying. But it seems to have settled down and he says he only goes out on weekends now, there is just too much else he has to do. He says his fraternity does not rage hard (ugh) and the only “hazing” consists of cleaning up the house after parties – gross, but not dangerous. He has friends with much different experiences in other fraternities. </p>

<p>Sounds like your son has the opportunity to see how his roommate’s experience goes. If he is serious about it, it would be worthwhile to get to know the brothers in his friend’s fraternity. </p>

<p>The vocabulary, from me, a total novice in this world: rushing is the few weeks at the beginning of the semester when fraternities host events to get to know prospective members. As rush progresses, many (I think) fraternities tend to weed out students by having invitation-only events, so students start to get a feel for whether they will get a bid. (I hated that part, as it epitomizes the random power of teenagers to make your child’s life a living hell). At the end of rush, students get a bid (or not) and then accept the bid, or not. If they accept it, they are now pledges, and go through pledging – a period in which they learn about the fraternity and bond with the other pledges. This is when parents worry about hazing. At the end of pledging (and this is a mystery still to us, since our son is still in the pledge process), you become a member. </p>

<p>As we have watched our son move through this, it is not, as I would have said 6 months ago, an awful choice. There seems to be a lot of variation across fraternities so perhaps encourage your son to learn about the personality of this one as well as others on campus. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>I am against Greek life because it excludes many who want to join when they are at a vulnerable point in their lives. It also puts a lot of social pressure on college students which many cannot take and they do foolish things. It’s really joing a high society gang, IMO. </p>

<p>I refused to pay for two of mine who joined frats and refused to support them on it and made it very clear that I had no tolerance for the high jinks that go on with fraternities. </p>

<p>My neighbor’s daughter was home last weekend, hurting because she did not get selected by a sorority and all of her friends did. Real nice, isn’t it.</p>

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<p>I’m not a big fan of frats myself but somehow I think you know your son better than anyone and are in the best position to judge whether this is OK or not. Do you think he is too impressionable and therefore might end up engaging in risky behaviors that he would otherwise avoid? Otherwise, perhaps you should just be honest with him about your general concerns about frats but trust him to be true to himself and his own values. Make sure the lines of communication are open so he can talk to you if this turns out not to be such a great adventure.
My son was totally anti-frat when he was looking at colleges and applying. But once he was in college, he got a more realistic and nuanced view of them. Some frats drink/party a lot, some a little, and a few are truly dry. He ended up joining one of the dry ones and seems to be enjoying the friendships as well as the leadership training he has had.
I agree with the advice to check out as much as you can the reputation of the particular frat he is joining and the chapter of it that is on his campus. A good fraternal organization will shut down or put on probation chapters that are not following the principals of the organization.</p>

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<p>I suggest that, if he joins, you’ll want to practice saying the entire word, “fraternity.” The use of the word, “frat,” is typically a dead giveaway that you don’t have any firsthand experience about the subject.</p>

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<p>Depends. It seems that the southern schools are more particular about the use of the word fraternity (you’ve heard the saying, you don’t call your country a … so why call your fraternity a frat) but in the northern schools, it doesn’t seem to be a big deal one way or the other. S and his friends refer to it as a frat. He’s living in the frat house this year and that’s how he says it. We called them frats, too.</p>

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<p>Many years ago I shocked my parents when I told them I was joining a sorority sophomore year at my directional state U. I was not in the popular crowds in HS and had a few good friends, but I wasn’t what you would call a social butterfly or “sorority material”.</p>

<p>I can tell you that joining a sorority was the best decision for me. I bonded with a great group of girls who became lifelong friends, was encouraged by my sorority to do well in school, and was happy. As a result, I had an awesome experience at my college (my mother and MIL were also sorority girls) and will encourage my D to check out Greek life next year when she heads off to college and see if it’s right for her too.</p>

<p>YMMV.</p>