<p>My son got into a bunch of schools (all small liberal arts colleges), several of which gave him scholarships (up to $20,000). Please do not think I'm not bragging - I am just setting up the situation. </p>
<p>I'm pulling my hair out because now he doesn't want to attend any of those. He is drawn to Kenyon and he is going to visit it this week. I have a feeling he will love it and want to go there but they did not offer any merit award. </p>
<p>If we "made" him go to a school he didn't want, he'd be miserable. He did point out that we never discussed the money factor - mostly because I didn't know he would be getting any money from these places. I just wanted him to get in. But saving money on tuition is so appealing to me!</p>
<p>We are not poor, but we are not rich either and he is the first of 2 we are putting through college. </p>
<p>I would put together a budget for how much you are willing and able to spend for college costs, considering future costs for your other child, and lay out to your son how much you can afford to pay vs. how much the various colleges cost.</p>
<p>Have a realistic, frank discussion. If the lack of merit money means your family simply can’t afford Kenyon - then tell him that.</p>
<p>He can’t borrow enough money to cover the cost of Kenyon on his own and you are under no obligation to give him more money than you feel comfortable with. If the amount you can contribute plus a $5,500 Stafford loan is less than the cost of Kenyon, then he can’t go there no matter how much he wants to - it’s simply not an option to attend a college you can’t pay for.</p>
<p>I would let my son know what I was able and/or willing to spend per year. I would base this number on a realistic assessment of what I’d need on hand to pay for the second child’s education. From there, I’d launch the conversation about what I expected him to contribute, either through earnings from work or loans. </p>
<p>If you got to this point with your son thinking money was not a concern, you may have a harder time now making him understand that it is a factor. I hope you are able to work something out that balances his desires with your reasonable concerns about your out-of-pocket costs.</p>
<p>Please don’t send him to Kenyon for a visit UNTIL you get the financial situation reconciled. </p>
<p>We had a kiddo who got accepted with a huge merit award when she applied also. HOWEVER, we had discussed finances with her prior to the applications being sent. We were fortunate that the finances didn’t HAVE to factor into the decision. It sure would have been nice if she had taken that merit award, but since we had not put any financial restrictions on BEFORE she sent the applications, we were prepared to pay the full price of her attending her school of choice.</p>
<p>If you really cannot afford this school, you should have a heart to heart talk with your son. See what characteristics he likes in Kenyon, and see which of the other schools meet most of those criteria. He must have applied to them for SOME reason…with an intention to attend if accepted.</p>
<p>Sending him to Kenyon for the visit would indicate (to me anyway) that you will send him there if that is his choice. If Kenyon cannot be the choice for financial reasons, perhaps the money would better be spent visiting a couple of those other schools.</p>
<p>It sounds like you want to take Kenyon off the table without your son getting mad at you. I don’t believe that can be done but you can take steps to avoid making this situation worse.</p>
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<p>Exactly right.</p>
<p>You need to decide your bottom line now. It would have been ideal to have done it a year ago, before the application process. I would apologize to my son for not having been clear about what is afforable and what is not, then I would lay out the figures for him. </p>
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<p>That’s his choice. You are not making him go anywhere, you are clarifying where he cannot attend due to finances. I would tell him that if he’s that upset about it, then he can attend community college or take a gap year, then repeat the application process now that he understands the financial reality.</p>
<p>Let him go to Kenyon if he can figure out where to come up with the money to pay for it. Tell him how much you are willing to help and let him come to the decision himself that he can’t afford to go there.</p>
<p>It’s too bad you didn’t have the money talk before applications. Water over the dam.</p>
<p>Can you afford Kenyon (and simply would prefer not to?) Would going to Kenyon mean he has to carry more than $23k in loans himself? If you (and he) can’t afford it, then what’s the sense in visiting?</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for your feedback. The fact is, we could afford to send him to Kenyon full fare. But the merit awards would really come in handy if he ever wanted to go to grad school. After paying for college for 2 kids, we’ll be out of money.</p>
<p>The school I’m mostly referring to is Oberlin. He got a nice award there. He visited in the Fall after applying but he felt it was not mainstream enough for him. I know plenty of people that are mainstream that went there that loved it. I’m feeling like I cannot force him to go, but I would love the extra money.</p>
<p>My DS had 12 schools that accepted him. Once the FA awards started coming in, I was surprised at the wide difference in COA for each of the colleges. Although we had never set a exact amount that we can contribute, we had no problem with telling DS that some of the school’s were just not doable.</p>
<p>One school, in particular, he wanted to visit, and I considered letting him, thinking he may decide it’s not for him. But, then I realized that he could very well fall in love with that school. (It supposedly has wonderful facilities, particularly for athletics.) That’s when I told him, it just wasn’t going to work financially, and a visit was not going to be helpful.</p>
<p>I’m sharing this with you because it sounds like you are worried about disappointing your son. But, the financial aspect is not something most 17/18 year-olds can really grasp. If your son has a few options that he applied to and you can afford, then you should not feel any guilt in restricting his choices to them.</p>
<p>I would recommend Oberlin over Kenyon, though they are both very good schools. He may not think Oberlin is mainstream, but it is, in fact, extremely well known and well respected. Kids think they know everything, but they are just starting to learn about stuff outside their own world. Especially with this wonderful of an award, he’s in a very, very good position. Congratulations-- Oberlin with this award is fabulous!</p>
<p>So - you can tell him the truth. You CAN afford it, without going into hock, and without putting him into hock. However, it will mean that money for grad school (from you) would most definitely be scarce, 'cause you’ll be flat. Most 17-18 year olds CAN grasp that. And then you can decide together. </p>
<p>(Me? I’d be an Oberlin guy even if the money was the same, but different strokes for different folks…)</p>
<p>We had the same situation. My son was offered huge merit scholarships at some terrific schools but my son had his heart set on Cornell. Of course they didn’t offer us any financial aid at all. After much deliberation and belt tightening we decided we could afford to let him go to Cornell. But I have to be honest, if it meant taking out big loans, we wouldn’t have agreed to such an expensive school.</p>
<p>Keep an eye on deadlines for the other schools - especially housing priorities.</p>
<p>You have to be frank with him. Tell him that regardless of what school he chooses, you can only contribute X$$, subtract his max loan amount of $5500, merit money and his summer job income. Lay this out on a spread sheet highlighting any deficit. Showing him in black and white might take some of the emotion out of the situation.</p>
<p>Tuition has been rising a most schools 3-5% each year - and merit $$$ does not increase to cover the difference. </p>
<p>Also, make sure your son understands the conditions, if any exist, for receiving the annual merit money. </p>
<p>Well, hmm. My D did an overnight at Oberlin and found it to be the opposite of mainstream. She has a lot of respect for the school, but ended up not applying because she did not think it was for her and didn’t want to write a disingenuous “why Oberlin?” essay. I guess I feel the choice between Oberlin and Kenyon could be a significant one for a particular kind of kid. Of course, it’s not my money or my kid. Oberlin, from everything I know about it, is not a school I’d want my kid to go to unless he or she were enthusiastic about the culture. What if the OP’s son goes and is really miserable? And wants to leave? That also has costs associated with it. </p>
<p>Now, who knows how strong the OP’s son’s objections are … My strong sense, though, is that if fit is any kind of a concern, Oberlin is a place where fit could be a factor.</p>
<p>I must say, my D would also choose Kenyon over Oberlin. I would NOT send a kid to either of those schools if they did not genuinely want to attend. While ideally we all want our kids to be equally happy with any school on their application list, sometimes that is not the case. Or they learn more or change what they want between application and acceptance time.</p>
<p>Does he have other merit offers besides Oberlin?</p>
<p>Also… you can be very blunt with him about the grad school finances. Tell him you can offer him X for grad school if he takes the merit aid at one of the other schools, but nothing if he wants you to pay full freight at Kenyon. It puts some financial skin in the game for him, and might change his opinion.</p>
<p>What does your son want to major in? For liberal arts it is pretty much a toss-up between Oberlin and Kenyon, but for sciences I think Oberlin is much better.</p>
<p>I would lay it all out on a spreadsheet for him. </p>
<p>Kenyon is going to cost x. Other school is going to cost y. X-Y is a substantial number. </p>
<p>It could fund … grad school, new car at graduation, summer abroad experience, launch money after graduation. That substantial number is equal to – a year’s salary at your first job, a nice downpayment on your first home, etc etc etc. It is sometimes even fun and silly to include however many lattes it would buy per year, how many pizza and beer nights at college etc.</p>
<p>I will say this didn’t work for me – my son needed a first year school prior to an expected (and guaranteed) transfer – and the difference between the merit money school and the second choice (first choice after dream transfer school) was $15000. But it was still an interesting exercise. It has to be approached as something to think about, not a “we’re forcing you” intervention. </p>
<p>Now that the OP has shared more information (affordablity is not a problem, the schools involved) I feel somewhat differently. I have visited neither school, but from what I’ve heard, although Kenyon and Oberlin are both LACs, their vibe sounds quite different. I now think that OP’s son should probably do the Kenyon visit, if possible. Campus culture, particularly at the smaller colleges should feel comfortable to the student. Maybe he won’t like the feel of Kenyon, who knows? This visit could be what seals the deal for Oberlin.</p>
<p>Were you planning to take out Stafford loans in his name? What about offering to decline the loans, and letting him graduate truly debt free, if he goes to Oberlin (or any other of his merit award schools where the merit award is more than the amount of the Stafford) and maintains the scholarship each year?</p>