<p>Thanks for the feedback, NSM, as I very much appreciate your wisdom re these situations.</p>
<p>And yes, good point – overinvovlement with the parents can be an issue **independent **of whether the *potential *added complication of mates ever comes into play.</p>
<p>S really didn’t like calling much initially. He did get better as he got more comfortable living independently, especially when we learned more to LISTEN rather than pepper the conversation with questions…for us, we found that he disclosed a whole lot when he was ready rather than any prodding by us. We did ask that he try calling at least once/week but things mainly evolved and it has worked out OK.</p>
<p>Both still call if they have Qs they want help with and once and a while just to chat. We shall see how things evolve. I now have text messages for each of them and may try using that to see whether that helps us communicate more regularly. We shall see.</p>
<p>I am the OP. My son called and spoke to my husband this morning (I was out of the house). He is doing great, completely happy, making friends, having the time of his life and said college is exceeding his expectations.</p>
<p>I almost cried when I heard it, because who could ask for more??</p>
<p>I can’t wait to talk to him myself, but I was so happy he called and was doing well.</p>
<p>He is so capable and bright and really doesn’t need anything material from me. Sometimes he needs a sounding board or advice, but that’s it. We are the opposite of helicopter parents (he wouldn’t let us) but the emotional connection is important and real and I want to preserve it. </p>
<p>Hooray. That’s one call. I expect I will get at least one more before Christmas! ;-)</p>
<p>Great, Mom…so glad to hear he is doing well and thanks for the update!!!</p>
<p>THANKS for the update- - much happiness to you, your H, and your son! :)</p>
<p>Yippie!! I actually suspect you’ll probably get more calls as he chooses (at least that was what happened with us). S would call sometimes when he was in line and bored or wanted/needed info from us or of course for us to mail him something.</p>
<p>It is always great to hear wonderful messages that our kids are thriving far from us. :)</p>
<p>S3 called last night. Finally! We had moved him in on August 15, which seems forever ago. We have had one or two short texts, so we knew things were fine, but it was great to hear his voice. He had a lot to say, so it was even better. I wouldn’t be surprised if an older brother had not clued him in to the fact that maybe you don’t need to talk to mom, but she needs to hear from you.</p>
<p>I’m so happy for you OP! Having a non communicator as a son myself, I really sympathize. As he was away for boarding school I was able to establish rules for communication that have been adjusted over the years as he has matured and then gone to college. The only way I could establish the original routine call habit was to say it was for me, not for him. That clicked with him. He is starting his sophomore year and I feel that I no longer need him to make that Sunday afternoon call - so I said nothing when we dropped him off last weekend but he called yesterday to remind me to call him on Sunday afternoon! I have to say though that had he not gone to boarding school first I never would have been able to get my routine call pledge from him and he would probably rarely or never call! Glad your S is doing well!</p>
<p>This thread is awesome! Have a non-communicator here, as well. I’m trying to give space, but 7 year old daughter Skyped him via computer 13 times yesterday (he didn’t pick up). We’ve talked on the computer about 3 times & a few phone calls (drop off was Aug 9). </p>
<p>Lately he’s contacting less and I’m viewing this as a chance to give him the space he needs (and implied confidence that he can do it). Trying to avoid texting him those ideas (lol). </p>
<p>jyber–that letter to your son was really funny and upfront! So glad it worked out, eventually. </p>
<p>I’m trying to talk back rationally to my magnified fears (e.g. “he’s pledging a frat & in some kind of crazy hazing thing…!!”) and assume that he really is handling everything fine.</p>
<p>Glad the other parents have heard, too…!!</p>
<p>This is so funny; I came upon this thread literally within 5 minutes of talking to my son for the first time since we dropped him off. He texted me and I asked if he had time to talk, which he did. I think his text was leading toward a discussion about paying for his books (we are reimbursing him), but once I had him on the phone we covered other subjects. I could tell from his voice that things are fine, which is not something that you can pick up in a text message.</p>
<p>There is an old expression “What you fear, you create.” In my personal experience, my mother was very upset when I left the area I grew up in to move about 150 miles away (one year out of college). She guilted me about it every time I saw her (several times a year), and even in our weekly phone conversations. Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was move back “home” after being treated that way. I resented the guilting, and was afraid that she and my father would try to stifle my independence if I did go back.</p>
<p>So heed those parents in this thread who say the more you push for communication, the less likely you are to get it. </p>
<p>I do agree though that a once-a-week phone call is a reasonable request from any parent – whether they are paying the student’s bills or not. But don’t tie monetary support to communication (although I think some of the funny methods, like “forgetting” to include the check, are fine).</p>
<p>There have been past threads about mothers of sons and the lack of communication et al. </p>
<p>We call our son once a week just to make sure he is okay/still alive (unless he calls first, which is rare). We chose Saturday afternoon as the time he is awake and least likely to be busy- never a weekend evening! The call may last under a minute, or longer if he has something to say. Emails are good for transmitting information but there is something about hearing a voice and all of the nuances in its tone. You may want to establish that once a week hearing his voice routine, even for a minimal time, stating that if he doesn’t call you will. Some may say make it every 2 weeks, but it is easy to forget if you called last weekend or not. This becomes something that happens- if he is busy with friends or on a school project it may only take 5 seconds to know he is alive and well. You can’t insist on being told anything he doesn’t want to tell you, but you will know he is okay.</p>
<p>Entertainer- even though you and your parents don’t get along (my son and I don’t although it is improving) do allow for a brief call as outlined above. You initiate the call each week and just say “I called to let you know I’m fine and nothing exciting is happening, that’s all”, then you can hang up having done your duty (if your parents are Indian that word will resonate with them). When you make the call you can control the time and timing most easily.</p>
<p>Parents- if your son is like mine he may not give any answer if you try to establish a time he or you should call in hopes you just drop the issue. In that case just make the call once a week (as many times as needed to get him to answer- caller ID and voice mail are both good and bad to have on cell phones). He may call you to get it over with eventually.</p>
<p>OP- isn’t it thrilling when your son actually chooses to call home! Absence DOES make the heart fonder. Use email for information transmission (eg local, family news) and save your precious phone time for finding out things about him and just hearing his voice.</p>