<p>After just a couple of months in college, my son personality has undergone some great changes. He used to be very close to me, and he has a very mature and stable personality. But when he came home for the holiday, he was a little distant and argued with me when I just gave him some parental advice. He thought he knew everything and I didn't. He even started yelling for no reason. I feel really really hurt. I read some books and find that this kind of behavior is normal for kids who just enter college because they are discovering new freedom and are trying to assert their independence. But still, I find myself hard to accept the fact that my son is not the same person I raised him up to be.</p>
<p>Give it some time. Our kids do need to “spread their wings” a bit. It doesn’t sound like he’s RADICALLY different in a dangerous way. We found our S needed some separation when we went off to college. He was bad about keeping in touch and also more distant than he used to be. Fast forward to his senior year, he’s now taking his sister (who transferred to hsi U) under his wing and helping her as needed. He is once more being more like the kid we had raised, even asking our advice about career options.</p>
<p>If it is any consolation, chances are that his behavior is far worse at home than what he is like in public, at school, etc. For example, that kind of attitude wouldn’t fly with a professor and he likely knows it. </p>
<p>Even though it is “normal” to assert independence, it doesn’t make you a floor mat. Some basic respect can still be expected. You can also decide to tell your son that he needs to bunk down in his own apartment this summer if his behavior doesn’t improve. You have options, you just have to decide which ones you wish to implement. Best of luck.</p>
<p>Is there any chance that this might be the result of stress and anxiety related to adjusting to college life and workload? Has be had any trouble with his grades? The same thing happened with my nephew and it ended up he was struggling at college and he snapped at the people closest to him.</p>
<p>Mine was the opposite. He left home a complete pain in the ass, and returned a rather pleasant young man. Yours will probably change again before he comes home next time.</p>
<p>(((HUGS))) to you. I’m sure he still is the wonderful person you raised; he’s just trying on the new-found freedom. As long as he remains respectful, I think you just have to chalk it up to doing a good job raising an independent young man.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your comments! I want to believe that he will eventually bounce back to be the same wonderful son that he used to be. I am trying very hard not to judge him. I think I should have trust in myself that I have raised a good son.</p>
<p>It sounds like he might be attending one of those “Colleges that Change Lives”.</p>
<p>A friend of mine with 5 older adult children once advised me on raising young adults.</p>
<p>He stated between the ages of 15 and 25 try very hard not to take anything they say to heart. There is a great deal of spouting off and trying on different ideas and personas. By the time they are 25 they will begin to realize how helpful you can be in their lives and they will come back to you hoping/asking for advice. </p>
<p>Demand respectful tones when dealing with him and just sit back and take it all in. We all went through it. It’s just another “phase”. There is a great deal of additional maturing in these college years. </p>
<p>He is still the great kid you raised. Don’t worry. Especially do not worry about the small stuff.</p>
<p>Don’t be discouraged. It’s very normal for kids to behave this way their first time back after a semester. Try to remember that while for you, he has been frozen in time since he left for school, in his life there has been a major upheaval and a rush of new experiences. So while you’re expecting the same person, and you may even be looking at someone who looks like the same person, he has changed significantly. </p>
<p>It’s unfortunate though that his changes are manifesting in ways that are hurtful to you. While you try to make allowances for his new self, remember that just because he went to college is no excuse for being rude or disrespectful, yelling or blowing up at you.</p>
<p>For some odd reason, I think its those kids who were closest to us parents who really feel the need to try to put some distance between us & them. My kids call a few times/month (we are extremely close). My sister’s kids call her a few times/day! It is healthy for our kids to try to work things out for themselves rather than using us for all of their support and problem solving. I think it’s GOOD that my kids are engaged where they are instead of constantly checking in with us thousands of miles away. Give it time for your kid to find his balance. Hang in there–better days are ahead! </p>
<p>My friend’s S (only child) was also rather distant as an undergrad but since then (in both grad school & since he’s begun his career), he’s become much more communicative! My kids are contacting us more now that they’ve found their balance (D has been away now for just over a year & S for 3+).</p>
<p>i have no idea about the years 15-25, but I will agree that my daughter turned 25 in November and while we used to not talk very often and I had gotten used to it, now she calls ALL the time. It’s almost weird.</p>
<p>LOL sherpa</p>
<p>Hugs to givingtree. This transition is really hard for our kids and they all react differently. The boy you know will be back.</p>
<p>Sounds like he is growing up. You may consider yourself lucky he was so nice up until he left home- many teenagers become unbearable, especially during their senior year of HS, while still living at home full time. He needs to become his own person. It will take years for that. He needs to learn to let your advice be just that- not commands to be obeyed by an obedient child. He IS the person you raised him to be, he is not your clone. The fact that he has a mind of his own shows that you did your job well. I read somewhere how adult children revert to old roles when returning home no matter how old they are. The old unequal parent-child relationship surfaces- think about how you react when you visit your own parents. Do not worry, as he becomes more secure in who he is he will be able to feel less threatened by you and treat you better. You are going through the necessary shift to an adult-adult relationship with him. Both of you are learning how to treat/react to each other. He probably overreacts in his attempts to show you he, not you, is in charge of his life. Think back to the “terrible twos” who become sweet preschoolers once they have asserted their independence and learn they can still need mom and be their own person. This is the teenage version.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear that. Did he enjoy being home? My winter break wasn’t long enough haha and school puts a lot of pressure on kids, especially at very work-heavy schools. He may, like some people said, have some slight sadness and be afraid to talk about it for whatever reason. I know myself, I’m not extremely happy at my school but I really haven’t told my parents that I want to transfer. Maybe just make him no you’re always supportive of him and that he doesn’t have to hesitate when talking about issues with you.</p>
<p>Count your blessings–he could have changed into a much more problematic person than what you’ve described.</p>
<p>OP I was just this side of brain dead during Christmas break. DD did not yell but argued was sarcastic (sar-caustic) and actually quite obnoxious for the first two weeks. By the third week she resembled more closely the girl I said goodbye to in Aug. but it took many gentle reminders and a couple of not so gentle ones. </p>
<p>On my end, I tried to stop starting questions with “Did you…?” or Have you…?" When I avoid nagging she avoids being a snot and once I was able to figure that out it helped a lot.</p>
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<p>To me, the trigger was when you “just gave him some parental advice.” There are ways to rephrase how you give advice so you get your point across for him to consider.</p>
<p>I’ll give you two examples from our home – one academic, the other social. </p>
<p>Academic~~ In h.s. I was directive about coursework. “You should really take that Government elective. It will help you learn about participating in your community as an adult. Check with your GC and ask the other kids at school if the teacher is good. Anyway, I’m for it.” </p>
<p>In college, I wouldn’t dream of suggesting courses that strongly. I’ve said things like this, “I loved Art History; I always wished I’d taken an Econ course…” or “You know, Grandfather taught Political Science in college. It was always fun and fascinating to talk with my dad about the news. Anyway, just think about it. It’s up to you. You might like it.” (Key: no matter what he signs up for, do not take credit for the suggestion! If he doesn’t take your advice, you still planted a seed in his mind that might take root sometime in the future.) </p>
<p>Social~~ In high school I’d say: “Y’know, just because this girl is chasing you doesn’t mean you have to take her to the prom.”</p>
<p>In college, I’d say, “Pass the potatoes, son.” In other words, NO advice unless specifically asked.</p>
<p>The master of giving advice-without-advice is my H. He says what he thinks, then ends it with: Anyway, think about it… Those are magic words. They really do think about it, but in the end, the decision is theirs (with benefit of parental wisdom).</p>
<p>I actually had to learn, consciously, how to speak differently when advising my kids once they hit college age. I had to work on it; wasn’t easy for me. Now that two of them bracket the 25th birthday (developmental milestone called the “Quarter-Century Birthday”) I absolutely see how they have returned, as fellow adults, to confidently return filial love and care. We never lost them in their early 20’s but I did re-teach myself how to offer advice. </p>
<p>In college, our kids really bridled at being micromanaged. They still asked for advice on “the big things” (which apartment to rent; how to buy a car) but not the small stuff they needed as high schoolers. If they bring up a topic, listen for whether or not they’re really asking your advice, or just want to talk about it and show that they are on a decision-course already.</p>
<p>With our kids, we find that when we let them take the lead in conversations and how much they want to share, they’re MUCH more talkative than if we ask questions. When we ask, we’re “prying” and they suddenly have urgent things they have to do. If they want to chat, we just listen and enjoy. It has taken some time to figure this out, from our side, but we’re glad we finally have. D is better about answering a few questions than S, but both rather take the conversational lead, especially during phone calls.</p>
<p>We try to provide as little direction as possible and wait for them to ask. They DO ask but often have ideas they are hoping we’ll confirm or support. It’s a different relationship but we’re enjoying it (tho I admit S was pretty difficult to be with for his 1st 3 semesters away; has mellowed into a very pleasant young man).</p>
<p>Paying3tuitions said it so well…HImom too. When D1 (now freshman across the country) was a senior she explained to me (as kindly as she could, I will admit) that she no longer really wanted my advice, particularly unsolicited. She’d be leaving for college soon and would ask when she needed it. Honestly, it was just my parenting style and I was unaware I even fell into that advising role all that often but, whether it was often or not, she was trying to tell me that she wanted greater independence. I have done my best to honor her request and realized that, developmentally, it’s very appropriate. D2 is a junior in high school currently and I’ve backed off a bit from the unsolicited advising role there too. Now, with greater perspective, I think my daughter was right. So, back to OP, you said the issues arose when you were advising your son…could be his way of saying 'I feel like an adult and I don’t want my mother advising me or (from his perspective) telling me what to do?" It can be hard to make the change but I do think it’s a healthy one as our kids, well, move into adulthood!</p>