<p>this is my first time posting here. my oldest child is starting high school senior year, and i am really concerned by the lack of initiative and motivation about college. she was always a really strong straight high honors student, but was diagnosed with a medical condition in middle school and although she has coped really well with it -- i mean really well -- her efforts in school have slacked off and her interest in college is what i consider to be minimal (as in she tells me to leave her alone about it and let her handle it, but then she is sabotaging herself by not preparing for standardized tests, by not prioritizing school work, by not making any effort to explore colleges at all on her own -- i have taken her to visit about ten of her choosing after really pushing). when her social life began to improve in her sophomore year, that took over everything else, and yet she is not a "party girl", just wants to be with her friends.</p>
<p>i am sure it does not help that her dad and i split up about a year ago, and money is a major concern. i try not to mention this, although it is a major concern for pretty much all college-bound kids. she claims this is not an issue for her -- she was relieved by the split.</p>
<p>i think she is just scared, and especially so about being a college student with a medical issue. she will only be 17 when she graduates, and i have suggested a gap year, but she has no interest. </p>
<p>any suggestions from those who have maybe dealt with a reluctant, scared, stressed, and smart kid? she doesn't even seem excited about it -- when i was her age, i couldn't wait to go off to college and get away from home!</p>
<p>Mine was smart, scared, young, and not emotionally ready. I wish I had pushed hard for a gap year, and I mean REALLY hard. That extra year makes all the difference for some kids.</p>
<p>Spending a night in a dorm with a one-year-older friend is a way to get a kid into the spirit of “college will be great!” if you are trying to encourage her to be enthused about going to college.</p>
<p>Sounds like your D probably has a LOT on her mind, and may even be depressed. She is probably worried about herself, and angry about having to deal with a medical issue. She may be worried about the prospect of leaving you to go to college now that you are split from her father, she could be worried that she will have to explain the medical condition to new people in college and that is a lot of work when she already has made good friends and found a way to function socially – who knows? Lots of kids lose focus when parents are going through fighting, etc, : it’s hard to concentrate on school even when life is peachy-keen! She doesn’t have to go to ivy league schools, or high pressure ones to end up being successful, and if she is hesitant about leaving you, she may want to consider community college to start. Let her lead…she’ll get there eventually. Teenage life is hard enough, and she has had some added stresses; as long as she is staying out of trouble, bringing home reasonable grades, and not just sleeping all the time, give her space to figure things out. If she doesn’t have a job, encourage that she get one, or do some volunteering somewhere this year - it can help her focus on other people instead of just herself. </p>
<p>Look at colleges where she can flourish without huge stress, maybe some that have honors programs she can get into as a student even if not immediately qualified freshman year - that way, when she does get really focused, the option will be there for her. Consider some rolling admissions schools; while it helps to apply early when they have more money to award for merit scholarships, etc, it also lessens the stress because you do have more time to apply. The wait for acceptance is often much shorter too, so the stress level for that goes wayyyy down!</p>
<p>well, is there any reason she cant live at home and go to a community college and see if she can handle the college work load? I would be very, very hesitant to be so eager to push her out the door so soon- sound like there are a lot of issues- her youth relative to others in her class, her health, money, divorce and her overall lack of INTEREST - that are being glossed over in an effort to get her into college next year. Maybe she KNOWS she is not ready, but doesn’t to admit it to you, or others, mom? So instead she procrastinates… Sounds like she is not ready to go away to college at this point. So dont force her…</p>
<p>Instead, I would get outside the house with her, take a walk somewhere, and ask her if she has any idea what she thinks does or doesnt want to do next year. Just let her talk…</p>
<p>thanks for all your input… i have tried to be as hands-off as possible. i have told her over and over that these are her choices to make, that i am here to support her in whatever she wants, and that i will be just as proud of her and pleased whether she goes to a public college or an ivy league school, that all i want for her is to be in a place where she is enjoying learning and whatever else college has to offer. i don’t think she quite believes me, and i know she wants to please me. i want her to please herself, and not close doors on herself without taking the time to look behind them.</p>
<p>i know she is afraid to leave me – we bonded very closely over her medical issues, and through this separation (my kids live with me full-time, not even a single overnight with their dad). so she has narrowed her college search to stay close to home. she does not want to live at home while going to college (i suggested maybe a gap year working part-time or doing volunteer work while taking a couple of classes at a community college, and she was horrified).</p>
<p>but i do know that she wants to be like her friends – her medical issues already set her apart enough – and go off to college after graduation. i also know she has to be the one to do all the work to get there.</p>
<p>i feel so helpless to help her. it is a difficult dance…</p>
<p>“i also know she has to be the one to do all the work to get there”
No, she doesn’t have to do ALL the work. YOU can help her narrow down the colleges, set up a spread sheet showing deadlines for the schools she is considering applying to, do research to get an idea of her eligibility for scholarships[ what are her PSAT scores, what state are you from, etc. etc] You CAN offer to help. She may be just may be overwhelmed with her Sr year classes AND what she doesn’t know about which colleges she should apply to-like how much can you afford to pay? Which colleges are likely to accept her? </p>
<p>You mentioned Ivy schools- are her grades tip-top? has she taken the SAT or ACT? If she has the grades/ scores that are good enough for top schools then she could receive major merit scholarships.
And do you both know that most private colleges will let her defer matriculation for at least 1 yr, sometimes 2? So she could do the applications this year, and then decide in April, whether she is ready to go to college next year or the following year</p>
<p>what i meant by all the work was the academic side, and the gathering of stuff for her application - i can’t take her classes for her, nor her tests, and if she wants to go to college, she should be self-motivated. i do remind her of deadlines and have tried to help her narrow her search. then she tells me to back off, and let her do it. typical teenager :)</p>
<p>i forgot about the option of deferral – i’ll have to bring that up.</p>
<p>as far as where her friends are going, it varies widely – most of her friends are serious athletes and are choosing schools based on athletic offerings. this is not her thing, largely due to her medical issues. she is into the arts (she was a former pre-professional dancer) and music, and so is looking for a liberal arts school with arts offerings.</p>
<p>we live in MA, in a pretty standard middle class/upper middle class suburb (i am not crazy about it, but my attempts over the years to move failed) and partly she does not know what to do if she doesn’t go to college the first year after she graduates, because only the “losers” in her school don’t go right to college.</p>
<p>i also know she does not feel like she measures up to her friends – thinks they are smarter, etc., which is not quite true – they are in fact working harder.</p>
<p>she just seems so stuck and sad and scared i just want to be supportive, but she isn’t giving me any hints as to what that might entail.</p>
<p>^^ I agree that a good counsellor would be a benefit to her. She has a lot going on, with the illness, the divorce, and college on the horizon. Any one of these is a stressor; all three may just be too much for her to handle right now.</p>
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<p>Have you given her the option not to go to college at all next year? I really think that she may need that extra year.</p>
<p>i have of course given her the option – she replies that she does not know what else to do for that year if she doesn’t go to college.</p>
<p>she does already see a therapist, which she started to work through her feelings about her medical issues (but which of course, and age-appropriately so, focused on all the social dynamics as well as the family stuff).</p>
<p>she’s an amazing young woman who just is afraid to let me in – i tell her i will support her 1000% no matter what she decides, but she won’t communicate with me. this is a major shift in our relationship. in some ways, despite her protests to the contrary, i think she may want me to tell her what to do.</p>
<p>Can you talk to her therapist or join her at one of her sessions? There appears to be a lot going on with her and getting advice and insight from her therapist might be very helpful. It sounds like she’s experiencing a lot of anxiety. </p>
<p>If it makes you feel any better, it was hard to get my son motivated and overly interested in the college application process at this point in Sr. Year. It doesn’t feel real to them until everyone else starts talking non-stop about the process. He was the master procrastinator and waited until the deadline date on nearly every application but did manage to apply to 12+ colleges and had several good choices. He’s now at the honors college at our flagship, had an awesome freshman year and just started his sophomore year. A lot of his friends were slow to get motivated at this point in the process but they all did fine and all but one did well in their first year of college. Good luck.</p>
<p>For kids with medical issues, often a comfortable choice is to go “away” to a college within an hour or so of home. The student can live on campus and have as normal a college experience as possible while still seeing the same doctors year-round and having family nearby to help with logistics if the illness flares up. </p>
<p>Are there any suitable colleges near your home?</p>
<p>How about a sympathetic college counselor who could help her move the process and help her to understand that she doesn’t have to make the decision today, but to apply so that she has a variety of choices come spring. Students can change (mature) a good deal in their senior year…also they are far more willing to complete tasks relating to the application process for a counselor than they are for their parents…</p>
<p>With serious medical issues and a divorce in the family, your D has been through a lot of stress and transition, maybe more than many high school juniors. She may be craving stability and continuity at this point. College may seem more like yet another dislocation, rather than an exciting challenge. I would understand if she did not have the emotional energy to gear up for another big adjustment right now.</p>
<p>Deferred admission, a gap year, or a start at community college may set her up better for long term success than rushing off to a four-year residential college before she is ready. It is difficult to buck community and peer expectations for high school seniors in affluent Northeast suburbs, but it’s the long run, not the short run, that matters. With the reality of her friends going away and her high school years drawing to a close, she may be more receptive to planning in six months than she is now. It’s too bad that the senior year has become such an afterthought in the college admissions timetable. If she is young for her grade, more time might be all she needs.</p>
<p>Since she has rejected the idea of a gap year for now, I would not push it. It is always an option AFTER she has been accepted somewhere. I have two thoughts about things to do.</p>
<p>One is to select a few schools that seem appropriate for her interests and her stats, and take her to visit them. I use the phrase “take her” deliberately. I don’t mean “offer to take her.” I’m not suggesting that you take her on a lengthy forced march around New England, but a few targeted college visits that she can’t put off or back out of might pique her interest and get her off the proverbial dime. A range of schools that might interest her that would not be too far away from most parts of Massachusetts might include Bard, Bennington, Emerson, Sarah Lawrence, and Skidmore. (More information about her actual stats would help here.) </p>
<p>The second is to engage a private counselor. Most kids of that age will respond to the advice and requests of a non-parent more readily. And in your case, it takes everything to do with your divorce and your involvement with supporting her through her medical condition off the table.</p>
<p>Some kids are ready to take the reins and do it all, and there are those on this forum who will tell you that is the ONLY way to go.</p>
<p>Some kids need guidance and logistical help. (ours, a successful, employed, nice-guy college grad was one of those)</p>
<p>I suspect you have one from the second category. I helped with research and sent URL’s about prospective schools to our student. We visited a wide variety of schools early (my choices because he had NO idea) so he could get a sense of urban/suburban/rural, large/medium/small, tech/ state U/LAC, etc.He had a calendar of due dates, but so did I. I did some checking. A little nagging. A lot of encouraging.</p>
<p>He did not have the same issues that your D faces, but it helped!</p>
<p>thank you to all of you for your suggestions and ideas – and also for sharing your own stories. it is good to hear from those on the other side of this! so many of my friends have kids who are younger, which is not helpful!</p>
<p>today was the first day back to school, and she is excited about that, so maybe that will jumpstart things. she also spent some time with a close friend yesterday who heads off to college as a freshman tomorrow, and that seemed to help a lot. </p>
<p>this will definitely be a year with ups and downs – i am trying to stay focused on the long run.</p>
<p>“she is into the arts (she was a former pre-professional dancer) and music, and so is looking for a liberal arts school with arts offerings.”</p>
<p>It’s not cheap, and the aid often sucks, but Hampshire College is in middle of MA and has some wonderful arts programs and is considered liberal arts.It is really different so if you took her thereand a more traditional school (UMass? Or maybe Middlebury? ) near you, then she could really get a flavor of what she might prefer.</p>
i just want to be supportive, but she isn’t giving me any hints as to what that might entail.</p>