My Teacher says my Common App Essay is Cliché... How do I Improve it?

College Essays
1

My English teacher read my essay and in simplest terms told me my essay was cliché. He said that it would get me in, but there are ways I could reword it to make it the best possible.

He told me that from an admissions standpoint, there will always be cliché essays and none will come off as 100% unique. However, there are categories: essays that 10,000 have written about, essays that 1,000 have written about, and essays that 100s have written about. He said it is ideal that I am in the last category of only 100 kids have written about it.

What are ways to make my essay less cliche and more unique in terms of the main message? He thinks there is another way to look at what I wrote (but won’t tell me what, of course, because he is playing devil’s advocate as a prospective admissions officer.)

Additionally, he says the way I described myself, he doesn’t see me in that way at all. I had never carried myself in the way (at least) he had seen me. He almost said it seemed as if I was lying, although he knew I wasn’t. This perception of myself was more an internal battle and I didn’t show it on the outside. It was a negative thing I thought about myself (but then it turned out to be something I embraced.)

Regarding this, would it be better to think about my essay in a different light? Based off what my teacher said, not only the way I described myself, but also the overall message?

2

He is challenging you in a very creative way. The answer to your final question is yes. He plainly thinks you are capable of it.

3

You’re really lucky to have a teacher like him…he must really believe in you…was there a secondary topic you had thought of? you might try a new direction with it.

4

Tough to tell whether you are receiving good or bad advice from your teacher without reading your essay.

5

@Publisher I do not think it is a good idea to put my essay through PM or directly on a thread.

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@AboutTheSame I didn’t think about it that way. However, my main concern is based off his advice, do I restructure my essay to look at it from a different perspective? He seems to think one of the qualities I described myself as just wasn’t correct.

Additionally about my thesis and main points of my essay, he said not to change it too much. At the same time, there is a way to make it come off better, or look at it in a different way.

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@SouthernHope Unfortunately, this is my best idea I could come up with. There is a second way I think I can restructure my topic still based off the same events that comes off in a more positive light overall. However, I don’t know if that’s what he was exactly getting at. Like I said, he was trying to take the position of an admissions officer, while at the same time not explicitly telling me what to fix or improve.

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@equationlover got it…well, if you need/want any of us to read over future drafts, PM it over.

9

I think you should show it to another English teacher.

First, I’ve found teachers know very little about the college admission process unless they’ve gone through it with their own child. This includes essays and what AO are looking for. Secondly, yes it’s a great teaching method to challenge you and not directly tell you his thoughts about your essay but it would be more helpful to be direct with you. If you know what he meant you wouldn’t be here.

Good luck.

10

Did he mean that the topic was cliche? If so, rewording won’t help.

If your structure is cliche, it may mean that you are telling instead of showing or maybe need a better intro sentence/paragraph.

I know that my son’s English teacher told him he needed a better start to draw in the reader - he was telling the story in order with too much background introduction but by moving the action from paragraph 3 to the top, it made for a more interesting essay.

Good luck!

11

It sounds as though you chose an extremely common topic to write about. I agree that your teacher is challenging you. If you feel strongly about the topic, keep it. But change the approach, or take the essay in an unexpected direction. I work with kids on essays professionally, and often, I can’t tell them they need a new topic. So instead I ask them to find a new approach or find a way to improve the opening.

I agree with @Momma2018 that it is entirely possible that you are doing too much telling and not enough showing.

12

A cliche topic where you reveal something negative about yourself, but then embrace it. Even without reading the essay, it doesn’t sound like a winner to me. Have you read the tips at the top of the forum?

http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/2003258-essay-tips-to-consider-p1.html

Or this post, which I think is helpful?

http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/2107072-essay-tips-from-college-admission-officers.html#latest

I think you need to back up and brainstorm more topics.

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OP: Just ask another trusted teacher for an opinion on your essay.

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This is a toughie. Teachers who know you well and have experience with admissions essays are probably the best third party source to review and critique essays. They both have an idea of what is going to resonate with an AO and know who you are. Sometimes teachers, especially English teachers, who do not have admissions essay experience, treat the essay as an English assignment. It is hard to tell what the situation is here, but check out the various links in this thread on successful essays.

Perhaps the more problematic feedback is the teacher’s opinion that at least part of the essay did not accurately portray you. Sometimes we see ourselves in way that few or any others do. Sometimes it is a product of wishful thinking on our part; sometimes it is a true internal struggle. Perhaps you can ask the teacher why he/she feels your current essay is not true to you. Also ask a close friend(s) and parents how they feel.The teacher is not always right. Whether you change your essay because of this or do not, have someone read your other essays/short answers to see if it all adds up to make a compelling picture of 1 person.

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Do you understand what your college targets look for? It’s not a high school essay. In general, no thesis or “main points” are needed. These are not graded. This is just a friendly piece, a narrative where you show your attributes the targets want to see, wrapped in a tale.

The essay does not need to be “unique.” C’mon, thousands of kids applying, all over the country, do folks really think all the good essays are so different from each other? The difference is in the delivery. It does need to offer insight, the right insights, and be relevant.

I think by cliche, he means not striking. Not so interesting, in itself. Maybe that those insights are missing. (But remember, show, not just tell. Let them see, by example, those traits they want.) Beyond that, without even a vague idea what yours is about, we can’t comment.

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@SouthernHope @Publisher @AboutTheSame @Empireapple @Momma2018 @Lindagaf @intparent @BKSquared @lookingforward
Okay, I’m going to add a bit more background to this. Unfortunately, I do not have another English teacher to show it to (the other one I had does not know me well, and my English professor does not know me well either). He’s had me for two years and I figured he’d be the best person to ask, since he apparently thinks very highly of me based off of parent teacher conferences. He offered to write me a letter of recommendation (did not tell me this directly, but instead told my grandmother TWICE), and additionally said that he cannot believe everything that I have accomplished based off what has gone on in my life. If he thinks my essay doesn’t really show who I am, then I should revise it. He clearly thinks that it doesn’t do justice based off of what he thinks of me.

He’s very hard to read on the outside. I had no idea he thought so highly of me until he told my grandmother all of these things.

I wrote about my disability and how after doing a project to help people with the same disability, was able to accept it. Simplifying that down, it seems way too cliché. He is right.

The thing I felt about myself that I didn’t show on the outside was not only my lack of confidence, but I thought something was wrong with me (referring to my disability). He’s never seen that lack of confidence or thought about myself- I participated in class a lot, frequently challenged ideas he’s thrown out in class, and always pushed myself past what was required of assignments. Additionally, I think he sees the confidence by my ability to reach out to people and start different types of projects/innovations that I make.

This thinking that I thought of myself was extremely personal, and I never showed it on the outside. To him, he sees it as almost a lie, although he knows it isn’t because I wouldn’t lie. It’s… really hard and I actually almost started crying during the conversation because well, I’ve never told anyone that. Bottom line is family life has a lot to do with that thought process of myself before I did this project, which he doesn’t know about.

Either way, there needs to be revisions done because he said it seem like I was moping around and unconfident, which totally wasn’t true. Additionally, it kind of paints myself in a bad light.

I think what he is trying to do is show me that I should talk about my drive, pushing myself past limits, and the innovation peice of it. I don’t know, though. Any thoughts/advice on my essay or what I should do is appreciated.

17

Based on your most recent post, your English teacher’s criticism of your essay is wrong & misguided. In fact, he seems to be pushing you to make it more cliché & commonplace than your current insightful, revealing version. (I will send you a PM.)

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This theme sounds good, to me. Not cliche, not overdone. But bear in mind, this essay is not about your confidence issues. (That should never be in the forefront for a college app.) You can make a matter-of-fact point about the challenges, then swing into the project purpose and just enough detail or an anecdote, then end with the lesson learned, the positive impact on your self view and actions toward others. “Show, not just tell” means: not ‘and then I became more confident’ or whatever. It means giving examples, so a reader can see it. How you push past prior limits. Now, you volunteer more or joined/participate in more or whatever actually shows the change.

Go for it.

adding: let the adcoms smile when they read it. That’s not jokey or too nicey-nicey, but let them enjoy how you came to this transition. The insights need to be in the positive.

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Just think about this. Do you want the shorthand used to discuss you for admissions to be “the kid with that disability”? Being practical, I would not. You say you’ve accomplished a lot. What makes you excited? What revs you up, sparks your interest, that maybe isn’t exactly what everyone else likes?

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@Publisher I see what you are saying. But unfortunately, with accepting my disability, I also become more confident in myself and who I was (I mentioned that in my essay.) I’m not sure adcoms would like that. Or I should say, think that’s a good quality to have.

@lookingforward you are right about that. It is my change in my perception of myself that ultimately should be the forefront. I however did say it also made me more confident in who I was. I think that’s why I might need to change it?

@intparent I think you are right. Ultimately, I think I should focus on how I always push myself past my limits. Or try to see things in a different way. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s a good idea to stray away from the topic of my project, that was by far the most defining part of me in HS. However, maybe I should do something different? Compare myself to an object and say how I have certain qualities it does? I don’t know…