ND ESSAY + chances read and comment pleaseeeeeee

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Notre Dame
1

<p>so i decided to apply EA... i have a 31 on my act (still waiting last results) varsity football captain, varsity basketball captain 3.99 GPA (ONE B) (18 out of 650) weighted: 4.7 GPA (3 out of 650) some other ECs not worth mentioning... 9 total ap classes by graduation... all 4's and 5's on tests...</p>

<p>my essay is kind of dramatic and im afraid that it sounds kind of made up cuz its so dramatic but it really is exactly how it happened so i dont wanna change it... what i DO need to do is shorten it by about 1/3 even a little more!! (do they get ****ed if you exceed their "400 to 500" words they tell you to give???)</p>

<p>essay:</p>

<pre><code>The bell rings to end the school day, and I quickly strut to my car with my mind in a frenzy. “It’s finally here,” I tell myself, “the night you’ve been waiting your whole life for.” I walk in the door and my mom nods at me knowing I’m not in the mood to talk. She has my traditional two turkey sandwiches ready for me as I bring them into my room. As always, I play my NFL Madden 2007 video game to calm my nerves, and I go over the formation checks in my head.
</code></pre>

<p>I walk into the school, headphones wrapped around my ears, with the swagger of a 5-0 football player. As I blast “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor,” I nod my head at the freshmen football players waiting for their rides, wishing me good luck. I find my way to towards the locker room passing the weight room and picturing every hour I spent in there with my teammates—before school, after school, summer, winter, spring. I vividly remember the day the stress fracture in my back occurred; I arch my back sharply to see how it feels— “yup the pain feels stronger than ever,” I tell myself. Warm-ups will be painful, but I know once that first snap of the ball comes around the pain instantly ceases to exist.
As I continue on, I peer down the hallway to see the student council decorations covering every inch— it’s homecoming week and I couldn’t ask for a better scenario. We stand 5-0 looking for our 6th win to clinch our first playoff birth in six years against our greatest rivals from right across town, the Conant Cougars.
I walk into the locker room, playbook in hand, and confidently review the coverage checks for our defense with our two safeties. After our best week of practice of the year, we are ready.
After correctly testing myself on every formation check and reviewing player tendencies, it is time to get mentally prepared for battle. I pull my headphones over my ears and slip into the world of football. Nothing else matters, nothing else even exists except my teammates and the task at hand. I close my eyes and visualize the game seeing myself low in my linebacker stance and flying at the snap of the ball into the opposing team’s quarterback whom I happened to grow up with and have developed a blood-thirsty rivalry with. I watch my teammates around me lying about getting focused and realize this is what I live for; this is what my older brother was talking about when he told me “no matter how much fun you have every Friday night in college, you’ll always be wishing, dreaming even, that you were back on football field under the lights.”
After finishing my traditional two bottled waters, one red bull, and one Gatorade, I silently walk to the trainer focused as ever. He tapes both my ankles which I have recently sprained, and I take my customary two Aleve pain relievers to subside the increasing pain from the stress fracture in my back.
After stretching, breakdown, and warm-ups we gather as a team. “Don’t focus on winning the game, focus on doing your job and trust your teammates to do there’s. If we pound them every play and perfect our technique to the best of our ability the winning will take care of itself,” bellows coach Stilling followed by an uproar from the team.
We line up to take the field behind the drum line and wait for the sophomore game to end. It feels like forever as we anxiously stay loose on the pavement shouting random words of motivation. I know it’s going to be packed, but I am too far away to tell. Rain mist casts over the lights of the stadium, and I turn to my fellow captain, “This is what I live for.”
Finally, the drums begin! All 55 players roar together as we walk from the side of the school towards the stadium. This is what I’ll always remember about football—the sound of our cleats striking the pavement as we walk towards our stadium, the way nothing else in the world matters. “Here come your Schaumburg Saxons,” screeches the announcer, and the team marches onto the field in a circle. The other 3 captains and I jog into the middle as the crowd breaks into a frenzy. I look around in awe at the size of the crowd; this is what I live for.
The captains’ meeting has an unusual feel to it. I stand across from our greatest rivals—the very team that ruined our undefeated season freshman year—many of whom are my former best friends. We shake hands, calling each other by first names, as we win the coin toss.
As we warm up on the game field we do some light hitting and I wince with every point of contact as pain shoots through my lower back. The buzzer sounds, and it’s time to begin. I hit the field and make the huddle call “tight cover check, tight cover check. Ready? Run, run, hit!” We break the huddle and the pain is gone. The fans aren’t there, there is no noise—All I hear are my teammates. The icy weather feels perfectly normal, and I smile because this is one I’ll never forget; this is what I live for.
We lineup to shake hands as the game ends. My eyes stare down at the grass in shame. We fell short for our first loss of the season. After talking to the coaches on the field, I couldn’t comprehend much as I was still in the game in my head thinking about all my errors, how the game could have gone differently. All I could hear were the chants and screams of the opposing fans, and I sunk in shame as we lost to them for the fourth straight time in my high school career. How could we let this happen? They ruined our undefeated season AGAIN!
As I walk off the field the tears flood my eyes, and I lose control of my emotions. In the locker room, I can’t take off my equipment. I sit there curled up against my locker switching off between outrageous bursts of sobbing and violent rages that causing my knuckles to bleed. I sit there for an hour, at least, in full pads and my helmet, comprehending the magnitude of the situation. This is the game I have waited my whole life for, and, so simply, it was taken away from me. I sit side by side with my 3 captains as Toresso, our 300 pound lineman, weeps on my shoulder and whispers between sobs “we’ll never have a shot at these guys again.” I wipe my tears, and I say, “Playoffs.” He nods at me and releases me from his grip because we both know with complete certainty and trust that we’ll bounce back stronger than ever.</p>

2

<p>I didn't get a sense of who you were by reading that essay.</p>

<p>I got the fact that you were a footballer player.</p>

<p>However, your personality didn't show up.</p>

3

<p>As long as you have a good essay and have taken the hardest course load available, I think your chances are pretty good. However, I agree on ManUtd20Ole's comments. The essay really needs to speak about you and why you fit at ND and I am not seeing it, but it is up to you.</p>

4

<p>I do think that the essay is full of emotion...but all of the emotion is directed towards football....... ...But it is a great piece of writing</p>

5

<p>I know what your feeling
because I have the same emotions for football
however I dont believe that it shows me distinctively enough to use it for a college essay
do you have anything else youre passionate about?</p>

6

<p>I agree with previous posters--you have written it like a story, full of emotion. However, maybe try to have it focus more on you-what have you specifically learned from these experiences. How might these experiences help you at Notre Dame and what will you contribute to the campus because of these experiences. You might take out some of the specific detail of the game and focus some on these aspects so ad counselors can see your growth from your passion. I hope this makes sense. As someone who really does not know football however, I enjoyed reading your essay!</p>

7

<p>I agree with the other posters. The essay is not a quality of writing competition but an opportunity for an applicant to convey those aspects of themselves that can't be readily seen from the application materials. The vast majority of Notre Dame students played at least one varsity sport in high school, so that experience in itself does not set any applicant apart. That being said, if there is some part of the football experience that gives insight into what makes you tick as a person, then it can be a great metaphor. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

8

<p>here's another essay i wrote-- which one do you like better!? </p>

<p>Prompt: Write a personal statement with content of your own choosing.</p>

<pre><code>Growing up, I always heard the phrase “learn from your mistakes” but never really thought too much of it. “Anyone willing to make the mistake the first time is going to make the same mistake again,” I told myself. I just looked at it as another cliché until I stumbled upon a learning experience that taught me a great deal about myself and my abilities as a person; it created a leader in me that I never knew I had.
At the end of my sophomore year of high school, the world was mine. I was soon to be a varsity basketball and football player, I had my perfect GPA that I would stress myself out over constantly, and I had an excellent reputation in the school with all my teachers. In a series of careless, selfish acts, I got caught drinking alcohol. Not only did I let my parents down, I let my coaches and my teachers down. I was suspended from ¼ of my athletic season junior year meaning I would have to sit out one football game and three basketball games. Several other kids got caught in the same act and it ruined our football season as we finished with a 2-7 record. After seeing the disappointment in the eyes of Coach Stilling, my head football coach, I decided that I could use the cliché that I so nonchalantly looked past; I could learn, and I could make a difference.
I went through a basketball season in which I was forced to sit out the first three games with several other kids. Our basketball team decided to stay away from drugs and alcohol for the season and we ended up going down-state finishing in the elite eight of the entire state. It was a powerful experience that only motivated me further to influence the football team.
After several talks with Coach Stilling he taught me to use my leadership skills to help the team. He was not naïve to the fact that most of his football players were “partiers,” but we talked at great lengths about changing this image that was created in our community. At first, I felt alone as I was a great minority in choosing not to drink with the football guys; I was too scared to put them down for it as it was completely normal and a routine activity, but I quietly led by example.
In doing this, I earned respect from my teammates, even those who did choose to drink; this, along with the hard work I displayed on the football field my junior year (despite little playing time) caused my teammates to vote me as one of four captains to lead our team in the next season. I knew I had to gain support if I was going to be able to get everyone on board to stay away from drugs and alcohol so I started with the captains. They all agreed that the drinking had to stop if we wanted to bring our football team to the state playoffs for the first time in six years so we told our teammates how we felt. The response was mixed; it was difficult to keep 50 guys under surveillance but slowly more and more people jumped on board.
I faced several difficult situations where my friends would purposely avoid me so they could have their fun, and this was the time where I was needed most, according to coach. The most difficult time to lead is when the numbers are against you but “a good leader is willing to take a risk and put themselves on the line,” preached coach. I strutted into the party not knowing what to expect. Upon entering, I simply looked at each football player and companion in the eyes and that was enough. It is remarkable how much power a look can possess. We talked as a team the next day soon before the season was to begin and reminisced of how long we’ve been waiting for a senior year of football. Everyone promised me they would quit the alcohol and drugs for our team.
As I reflect now, I am proud to be the captain of a playoff bound 5-0 football team, and wonder if I had anything to do with it. Could we still be 5-0 with a football team of partiers and drug abusers? Probably, but I still feel a sense of self-accomplishment knowing I helped make things right. I also gained some powerful insight as to my decisions and the effects they have on other people. As coach always says, “when things are going wrong, you have the ability to respond and make them right.” With the help of those around me, I responded, and, so far, it’s paying off.
</code></pre>

9

<p>Your first essay is REALLY long and I don't really know if you want the adcoms to feel sorry for you. Plus I think its kind of cliche to talk about football especially for a school like Notre Dame with one of the best programs in the country.</p>

10

<p>well the essay asks to describe your greatest passion and my greatest passion is by far football...</p>

11

<p>Personally, I think all of the colleges, especially Notre Dame, receive too many essays on the "Big Game". Unless your essay is beyond amazing and flawless, you should not submit those "Big Game" essays. Also, why would you include the fact that you drank alcohol? Although you say you learned from the mistake, it doesn't help you in any way. I strongly suggest another topic.</p>

12

<p>I love the second essay. The first one was a good story but as the others said spoke of your passion but not of you. The second speaks to both. Congrats on your winning football season. Send in your App and enjoy basketball!</p>

13

<p>jovenes-- they aren't naive-- ive asked for several peoples opinions and they know people drink obviously so i dont think they would appreciate me taking a chance and them reading something different</p>

14

<p>jovenes-- they aren't naive-- ive asked for several peoples opinions and they know people drink obviously so i dont think they would appreciate me taking a chance and them reading something different</p>

15

<p>The "they" you refer to, however may not be the "they" that reads your essays. Your application is looked at by Holy Cross priests as well as other members of admissions, this isn't residence life. That being said, while they know it goes on, it may not be your best foot forward.</p>

<p>This is your essay, it is up to you. We are just here to help you get into Notre Dame, no other reason, and our advice is given with that honest intent. The essay is about putting your best foot forward and showing them who you are. All I am making sure is be sure that you do that.</p>

16

<p>jvon-- whatever rocks your boat...and don't assume your essay is so "different" either. There are about 3 milion students applying for college...there are bound to be repeats, especially in the competitive colleges. But it's what you want to tell them. Sure, learning from a bad experience is always nice, but can you truly convey that message to the admissions officers?</p>

17

<p>just got off the admission live chat they said no Holy Cross priests review applications</p>

18

<p>mine has told me that he does??? Maybe he exagerrated?</p>

19

<p>I wish they were on the review committee</p>