<p>I agree. Too many people couch their language. It does not need to be confrontational language and it should not be had when the BF is present…but it needs to be direct. Just about everything in life is about compromise and to be uncompromising is vastly harder than being direct and working out a solution. The OP’s D can take any position she wants from “you can’t have males in our room hardline approach” to “we need to work on a compromise” but the outcome is within her control. I do agree that every day is too often for the roommate to have her friend over - he must have a room somewhere I would guess but I also feel that “never” is not a good solution.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Not always depending on the time. Most college libraries with a few exceptions in NYC tend to close around 11 pm-midnight unless it’s a week before midterms/finals. Moreover, in small towns like the one my LAC is located, only 1-2 places would be open past 9 pm…and those aren’t places most would find suitable for studying due to lighting/noise issues. </p>
<p>Not good if one has a large semester-long research project or doesn’t have a quiet study space due to jerky inconsiderate roommates like the OP’s roommate is being. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>There’s nothing wrong with being uncompromising in situations when one has been extremely accommodating and the other party has been excessively taking advantage and being rude/presumptuous about it. </p>
<p>And if an 17-18+ year old needs to be told they are disturbing someone by having a SO over everyday to watch TV when the roommate is clearly trying to study…that young adult and the SO needs a remedial course in basic common sense & courtesy. </p>
<p>That’s a separate issue, of course, from whether the OP is prepared for the consequences of being so uncompromising.</p>
<p>cobrat-sorry, but many people can study just fine with a tv on. Maybe the roommate doesn’t know that she is disturbing this girl because she can study with the tv on. This situation wouldn’t bother our S at all. He can tune this stuff out when he is studying, our D, it would bother a lot, but after the second night of him coming over she would have asked her roommate to make other arrangements on weeknights or whatever seemed reasonable and would not have let it continue…which is the real issue. The OP’s D has let this behavior go on for over a month now…again, the point you are missing is that it’s the roommates’s room too…</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Completely disagree. The key is moderation and compromise. While the OP’s D is allowed to study in her room, the RM is also allowed to socialize. It’s all about compromise as BOTH live in the room.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>And IME, most people can’t and when push comes to shove, it’s the person who’s making excess noise who usually looks like an oblivious/rude jerk at best and wrong/suspected of violating noise ordinances in college roommate situations and post-college residential situations…especially if they obliviously choose neighborhoods/areas where excess noise from TV/stereos/etc isn’t tolerated. </p>
<p>It also becomes more apparent after college, especially when one happens to live in apartments with thin walls and in residential areas where noise ordinances are strictly enforced…especially upon college undergrads and young professionals. Lots of fights, cops getting called, suits filed in court, eviction proceedings, etc.</p>
<p>I hope your daughter takes this as a growth opportunity to learn to speak up for herself, calmly and directly. Hinting around is not a useful strategy for this kind of a situation – and won’t be a useful strategy for her in future jobs either. Those who wait for other to pick up cues about what is really wanted had better bring along a good book, because they’ll be waiting a long time. (They also make lousy managers – all too often being disappointed in a behavior or work product without ever having given enough clear feedback to the person doing the work.)</p>
<p>Sorry, socializing does not need to occur in the room. Any roommate would have the right to object to friends constantly in the room. There’s a lounge - use it.</p>
<p>Bottom line, though, is that this is the first of many such situations that the OP’s daughter will have to deal with - inconsiderate roommates, inconsiderate housemates, inconsiderate coworkers . . . and inconsiderate bosses. This is a fine opportunity for her to learn how to speak up for herself.</p>
<p>And, yes, she may not get it quite right - she may end up offending the roommate and losing a friend (?) . . . but dealing with this kind of situation takes practice. And it won’t be the end of the world if the outcome isn’t ideal. She’ll learn . . . and do better the next time.</p>
<p>If the RM and boyfriend are watching movies on a laptop, they can be the ones who use headphones. They can get a Y shaped connector so they can use two pairs of headphones on one laptop. And, they can watch in a lounge or common area and not always in the shared room. </p>
<p>There’s nothing worse than not being able to have your room be your room.</p>
<p>Things must have changed quite a bit since I was in college. There have been more than a few of these threads seeking advice on the inconsiderate roommate. I just don’t remember spending all that much time in my room. Certainly it was the last place I would go with my boyfriends unless we were looking for a “romantic encounter” for lack of a better word. In that case we would make sure it was at a time when it would just be the two of us. Hanging out in a dorm room was something we might do on a rainy day. We were always at some sort of sporting event, in town or in one of the student lounges or cafeterias socializing with our group of friends. We studied in the library or in a common room in the dorm.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Indeed. First that people who can withstand noise like TV/stereos in the background don’t know any better and that should be honored. </p>
<p>That’s not what happened when I had a hallmate who said he needed to blast his stereo to study. Unfortunately for him, most in our dorm didn’t agree and even in the daytime…when they did complain, he was the one who had to turn the stereo down or risk getting sanctioned by the RA/housing. It also didn’t help in the long term as he ended up having issues in actual testing environments where no loud noises were permitted and he didn’t come back the following semester. </p>
<p>Moreover, this is probably just me…but I can’t think of a more boring activity in college than to sit in a dormroom watching TV/movies. Most people I know would rather hang out outside in the quad, walk around the town, share a meal in the dining hall/coop/restaurants, hang out in the student center, etc. </p>
<p>Any “Romantic time” would be arranged so it wouldn’t impact the roommate as being considerate and holding to basic courtesies was big at my LAC and those who were inconsiderate to roommates or hallmates like that weren’t tolerated very well by the dorm/campus community. </p>
<p>It’s a factor why I was able to ask a roommate to take his computer out of our room and play his MUD games after 12 am because I had early morning classes and while not going to his was his business…he had no right to negative impact my ability to make mine…especially considering I was partially paying for my own classes.</p>
<p>I disagree that it’s not for socializing, too. It’s your living quarters. It’s there for studying AND living as long as both are in moderation. If you need to CONSTANTLY study or do work then there are study rooms. If you need to CONSTANTLY socialize, there are lounges. However, neither should have a monopoly on the living quarters. </p>
<p>If the RM is paying for half the room, she should definitely get say in what happens. As should the OP’s D.</p>
<p>"yeah, this is bothering me so much when I see her stressed out over this and she needs space to study for her tests/projects. She can’t just leave the room all the time. This is affecting her grades and emotional wellness.</p>
<p>This is what happens when you share a bedroom with someone else (people want to do different things). Alot of campuses and dorms have 24 hour library’s, lounges, study areas…etc. </p>
<p>“DD gave many hints to her roommate and her boy friend about needing space to study, they just don’t seem care, and the boy said “just do whatever you want, we don’t kick you out”, how inconsiderate and immature. My dd is planning to move out to another dorm after this semester…Sigh…”</p>
<p>Her roommate needs a space to watch a movie with her friend on her laptop. I’d say its harder to find a space for that than it is to find a place to study. And it would be inconsiderate to kick her roomate and her boyfriend out because they were watching a movie.</p>
<p>Lounge would be a very nice place to watch a late movie.</p>
<p>OP, hinting is not enough. She really has to tell her roommate, explicitly, that this is a problem and she needs a solution.</p>
<p>People take advantage of other people who hint that they don’t like what’s going on.</p>
<p>It’s also conceivable that the OP’s daughter is always in the room and driving the roommate crazy, by never allowing them any alone time. I think the roommates need to have a conversation - not hints.</p>
<p>Ah, this brings back memories of sophomore year. My RM had her BF over a lot. At first she did not realize it bothered me (I go to bed early). But somehow we got into the good humored tradition that he’d leave when I started whacking him, gently, with our dorm room broom. The couple has been happily married for almost 30 years. </p>
<p>The BF’s roommate and one of my suitemates bonded so much discussing the issue that they paired up themselves. They too have been happily married for almost 30 years. </p>
<p>Few sophomore romances end up being permanent. But it was fun reminiscing over this lighthearted story.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Agreed. Many dorms I’ve lived in/been to had TV/gathering rooms on multiple floors for leisure activities…including watching movies. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Considering how often they are in the room according to the OP…they probably feel the OP being in the room at all is a major bother. </p>
<p>Hence, my discussion of how shared dorm rooms were historically not designed for that type of socializing and why the roommate and BF would be better off getting a single dorm room or getting an off-campus apartment. </p>
<p>In fact, this was a common refrain my fellow male friends would toss at each other when their roommates attempted to bring in girlfriends into their shared dormrooms or sexiling without talking about it beforehand: “Yo! Get your own f&^&&n’ apartment!!” While this may sound harsh to many ears and did cause a few fights, it was a clear shot across the bow that such behavior wasn’t acceptable and they either started negotiating a workable compromise or the roommate in love found more suitable accommodations. </p>
<p>Agree the roommates need to have a conversation…but there’s a distinct possibility they are just incompatible due to differing perspectives on issues such as frequency of bringing friends/SOs over and the like.</p>
<p>Fwiw, my dorm did not have a lounge. We had a common area in the basement with only 4 TVs for hundreds of residents. </p>
<p>We did have 10 or so study lounges.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My last dorm didn’t have study lounges, but had two gathering spaces. A small first floor lounge for folks to hang out in and a larger second floor lounge, meeting room, kitchen, and TV room. Total number of students numbered only 4 dozen or so. </p>
<p>Granted, there weren’t very many people who watched TV in my dorm/college. Just didn’t seem a popular thing for most of us. A reason why despite the fact the TV lounge had to be reserved and unlocked by the RA on duty…there was never an issue getting a reservation/place. </p>
<p>It was mostly used by the dorm for special movie nights sponsored by the dorm, some student organizations, and some academic departments. </p>
<p>At my college, there was the common expectation that when the libraries were closed, the studying would continue in the dorm rooms or if one needed to be around others and can tolerate some noise…doing so in the lounges alongside folks discussing politics, philosophy, neuroscience, psych, etc.</p>
<p>"the roommate and BF would be better off getting a single dorm room or getting an off-campus apartment. " - Maybe. But it’s not an answer for a midyear problem.</p>